My marraige is slipping away

[ibdamamma]

I am having such a tough time with my daughters illness and my husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye because of it. Ever since she was diagnosed its been a downhill battle. We have had such an outpouring of gifts from our community and friends that he seems too good for their acceptance. We are very active in the community and have such a great support group. Also, our insurance is great there is very little out of pocket expenses except for gas, food etc during my daughters treatment. My mothers company offered to cover our trip to disney this year and he is having none of it. It came to blows the other night that we just had the biggest arguement that I didn't see comming. It went as far as him accusing me of wanting all this stuff for myself, not our daughter. According to him I am greedy and selfish. I had snapped back and said all of her monetary gifts are accounted for and have not been used (she now has her own bank account). He said I would find someway to use her funds for my own personal gain etc. I am at a loss here. I am so hurt that he would think that. Everything any more has been a fight. I can't go on like this any more. How can I cope with this and make my life a little easier? I don't know what to do but cry any more.

 

[bookwormde]

You are going through a tough time and that is never easy even with the best marriage. I would certainly suggest some professional marriage counseling. It does not sound like your husbands reactions are completely rational so I would guess that it is related to the stress from your child’s illness. Individual counseling would also be beneficial for each member of the family.

bookwormde

 

[KirstenB]

I agree with everything Bookwormde said. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

[eyeore]

i can not imagine the stress and worry you two must be going through. could it be your husband is finding it hard to accept your daughters illness and is lashing out at you because your closest to him. could it be hes finding it hard accepting all the kind gifts and donations that people are sending because its out of his control. can you arrange family to look after your children a night and have some time together? it sounds like you both are very very tired. i dont know what else to say except good luck and lots of by the way your daughter is a beautiful little girl

 

[ireland_nicole]

Everyone deals with the stress grief and powerlessness of an illness differently. I agree w pp's, but also can tell you from experience that it is important to give each other the gift of time and emotional space right now, because this too shall pass. He may not support you the way you want/need, you may not understand each other, but you're still in the game, and right now day by day may be the best you can have. But, this intensity will change, and if you give it time, you can find each other again. Have faith in each other and in what you have built together.

 

[Val]

If you can step into his shoes for just a moment you might be able to understand his reaction- not accept it or use it as justification for his behavior, but it might help you deal with it and him a little better. Perhaps, from his point of view, he has been robbed. He has been robbed of the life he dreamed of with his daughter, he has been robbed of the life he dreamed of with his wife- it is almost like you've taken on a "mistress" called "disease".....his family is not the dream picture in his head. He is embarrassed that he can't make things better (men often want to "fix" everything), that he is a "rotten" provider and "outsiders" have to bail his behind out because he is such a bad father/husband......he is angry with "disease" and "fate". He has every right to feel angry and hurt and disappointed. You probably feel the same way. But you step in and take action, go the the doctors' appointments, your daughter turns to you- and he is helpless (or so he thinks). He needs to understand that he is NOT a failure- and that he (and you) are holding up pretty darn well in very, very difficult times! (and....it is okay to receive offers of help from others- after all that is why we are SOCIAL animals!).

He may not like it- but ask/tell him how he might be feeling. Tell him it is okay, that you understand because you are feeling much the same way. But, also let him know that, while it is okay to feel sad and angry, it is NOT okay to hurt those people you dearly love rather than directing the anger at the disease- where it appropriately belongs.

I don't know if either of you would be receptive to counseling- if you are, ask the doctors/nurses or the hospital for a referral to a counselor who deals with families facing the kinds of crisis you are facing.....you want someone who understands the issues of having a critically/chronically ill child, not a generic type.

Remember the serenity prayer-(badly paraphrased): Lord, help me change the things I can change, accept the things I cannot change, and give me the knowledge to know the difference-even if I have to be beaten over the head to do so!

Been there, done that.....God bless you. My family will keep you, your daughter and especially your DH in our prayers and send a ton of cyber pixie dust your way.

 

[alizesmom]

If you can step into his shoes for just a moment you might be able to understand his reaction- not accept it or use it as justification for his behavior, but it might help you deal with it and him a little better. Perhaps, from his point of view, he has been robbed. He has been robbed of the life he dreamed of with his daughter, he has been robbed of the life he dreamed of with his wife- it is almost like you've taken on a "mistress" called "disease".....his family is not the dream picture in his head. He is embarrassed that he can't make things better (men often want to "fix" everything), that he is a "rotten" provider and "outsiders" have to bail his behind out because he is such a bad father/husband......he is angry with "disease" and "fate". He has every right to feel angry and hurt and disappointed. You probably feel the same way. But you step in and take action, go the the doctors' appointments, your daughter turns to you- and he is helpless (or so he thinks). He needs to understand that he is NOT a failure- and that he (and you) are holding up pretty darn well in very, very difficult times! (and....it is okay to receive offers of help from others- after all that is why we are SOCIAL animals!).

He may not like it- but ask/tell him how he might be feeling. Tell him it is okay, that you understand because you are feeling much the same way. But, also let him know that, while it is okay to feel sad and angry, it is NOT okay to hurt those people you dearly love rather than directing the anger at the disease- where it appropriately belongs.

I don't know if either of you would be receptive to counseling- if you are, ask the doctors/nurses or the hospital for a referral to a counselor who deals with families facing the kinds of crisis you are facing.....you want someone who understands the issues of having a critically/chronically ill child, not a generic type.

Remember the serenity prayer-(badly paraphrased): Lord, help me change the things I can change, accept the things I cannot change, and give me the knowledge to know the difference-even if I have to be beaten over the head to do so!

Been there, done that.....God bless you. My family will keep you, your daughter and especially your DH in our prayers and send a ton of cyber pixie dust your way.

You said it so well. We all grieve differently and at different rates. Please try counseling for the sake of your family. Karen

 

[ibdamamma]

Thank you all for your advice. I am at such a crossroads anymore. I am digging down deep to understand DH. I am totally hurt that he would say such hateful things to me that I just cry. We tried talking yesterday and got somewhere but not too far. I have a call into the social worker in the pediatric oncologists office so we can try to do some counseling. I just hope it doesn't slip past my reach. I know it stems from my daughters illness but i just cant bear it if she were to feel that she is causing this rift.