My Little Sister is Marrying a Man She Barely Knows

[Kim&Chris]

and I'm really scared for her.

I don't think he's a psycho or anything like that, but they've only been dating since mid-October. She was "fixed up" with him, and she didn't even like him initially. In fact, she continued to date other people up until he started saying things about marriage. Suddenly, without warning, she was engaged around Thanksgiving.

Now, I have to tell you - - she is 34 years old, lives at home, and has almost no savings. She is pretty deep in credit card debt, so she is kinda 'stuck' living at my mom's. I know she really wants to move out, and I believe in my heart that she is marrying this guy for that very reason. I'm not trying to make her sound selfish, but I do believe she sees this marriage as the only chance she has for independence.

My mom, myself, and all my sisters have talked to her. We have all suggested postponing the wedding until she gets to know him better. However, she insists she loves him, but I know (woman's intuition) that she does not really love him (I think it may be more of a physical attraction).

In addition to all of this, the guy seems to be getting 'controlling' now. For instance, he has talked my sister into NOT having a wedding song. Can you believe that? From the time she was a teen, she always said she wanted "Follow You, Follow Me" by Genesis as her wedding song. Until now, that is. There are other things as well. He's like some sort of Svengali or something. The wedding is in May, and I'm dreading it. They will be married without even knowing each other for a year.

There's alot more to this story, but I don't want to type a super-long, boring post.

SO, my question is: Have any of you had a child or sibling that married a person that was, essentially, a stranger? How did you handle it? Did you get involved, or did you simply let the parties involved do what they wanted? Did it work out?

Just a note: I'm not trying to say that the relationship should be based on the time they've known each other. I know that there are just times when you know you're with "the one", no matter how long you've been together. However, I don't believe she thinks he's the one, but instead thinks he's the "chance to leave". He's considerably older than her, and I think he sees her as a "chance" as well.

 

[Aimeedyan]

Yes, my SIL married a man 3 months to the day that she met him. He proposed with a monsterous diamond ring after 2 weeks, promised her big houses and luxury cars, and she married him. Brought a child into the relationship with her, as well. For our family, we just had to support her because we loved her. DH and I were dating at the time, so I wasn't too involved, but I know my MIL and FIL offered to host the wedding, and tried to welcome him. They really didn't have a choice, she had made up her mind, didn't care what they said, and they wanted to keep her and their granddaughter in their life so they accepted the marriage.

I won't tell you how the marriage worked out

 

[danacara]

Wow. I have no idea how I'd handle that. I might be tempted to take a tranquilizer for the reception. I do think that a lot can happen in three months - this might just be called off - who knows?

Best of luck to your family ...

 

[BrinxFam]

Well, my DH and I met at the end of January, engaged March 4th the same year, married August 5th the same year and we've never looked back. I didn't know him before then either. Have been married for 16 years and have two beautiful DD's.

People said then that it would never last but it has and will. We are best friends. We went through alot but it has only made us stronger.

You really can't judge a relationship just by it's length.

 

[Jasminesmommy]

I met my Dh in August got engaged in Oct and Married May and we have been together for 9 years so far. Let her be before you lose her. Only she knows what is right in her heart.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Another short timer here. We knew each other only 5 months when we were formally engaged but within just a couple of weeks we knew it was going to happen and considered ourselves engaged. We are still ecstatically happy after almost 5 years. When it's right you just know and as my dh not so eloquently put it, why delay the inevitible? My life was highly unstable at the time we met and I was living with my DSis. I didn't marry him to get away from anything. The bottom line here is, it really doesn't matter what you feel or the rest of your family. She's 34 years old and an adult. All you can do is support her in this decision. If you don't you may wind up being estranged from her and if this isn't the right thing for her she's going to need you. And who knows, you may be wrong, he may be the very best thing that's every happened to her.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My brother met my SIL and they were engaged within 6 months, married in under a year and now having a baby before their first wedding anniversary. They are also very young, very deep in debt etc. and rely on my parents for a lot.

But they seem happy. She's not crazy or anything. IMO, they did this way too fast. But I don't think for the wrong reasons. They do seem genuinely happy. So I think it's true that you can't judge a relationship by it's legnth, but something else you said, I just had to comment on.

It sounds like your DS is marrying this guy to get independence like you said. I have a friend who did that and regrets it now because the guy she married is ...well let's just say

Marriage does not grant you independence.

Independence means no one depends on you or counts on you and you can come and go as you please and do whatever you want, spend your money on whatever you want and not have to consider how what you do will affect your spouse. I tried to explain this to my friend when she was getting married (she had no debt but she was sick of living with her mother and wanted to be a grown up , she's as much as told me that herself).

I really do think a lot of women wind up marrying men because they want to feel like an adult, or want to have that sense of being on their own. Then they wind up with a shock when they realize marriage is not being on your own and become miserable.

True independence comes from being able to say I can pay my own bills, maintain my own living space/car and do it without the aid of my parents or anyone else. If you need another person to split your rent, get a roommate, but don't get married if that is the primary reason why you are.

There are a lot of good reasons to get married, but independence from having to live with your mom is not one of them.

I hope your sister figures this out before the wedding, and not after.

I know it's hard to watch someone you love make a bad choice.

 

[catherine]

I'm British, and DH is American. I met hin in CA at the end of Sept. '87. We got engaged in March '88 and got married June 11 '88. People said that the marriage would never last. Some people even told DH that I was just marrying him so that I could stay in the US! There were several things that I said I wanted to do when I got married, but when the time came to actually get married, I discovered that these things were not nearly as important to me as I had once thought. Perhaps your sister has discovered the same thing.

We'll have been married for 17 years in June We are the best of friends. We have two beautiful DD's

I wish you all the best of luck. Hopefully things will work out well for all of you!

 

[CrazedDisFan]

Dh went on our first date the end of August. (We did not know each other and were 'set up.' We were engaged on Oct. 17 and married Feb. 20.

We will be married 12 years on Sunday and have 2 beautiful daughters (10 & 7).

I would not be so concerned with the amount of time they have been dating. However, I certainly would be concerned that he is controlling. Things like that only get worse after marriage.

 

[Disney Doll]

She's 34 and an adult, and able to make, and be responsible for, her own decisions.

If the man is controlling, she is going to need her family to get out of it in a year or two, so don't become estranged from her. That is exactly what controlling, abusive men want to do....estrange their wife from her family so that he can completely dominate, control, and abuse her, because she feels she has no one else.

I'd kill them with kindness. I'd never give him any reason to say "see why I don't like being around your family" and start turning your sister's thinking into his...that she should stay away from her family because they don't "support" her.

You may have to grin, bear, and swallow a lot, but if he is truly a controlling man, in the end you'll need to be there for your sister.

As far as the wedding song...OK, so it's a song she's always wanted. What if the guy hates the song? What if the song reminds him of a past relationship and he doesn't want to associate it with his new love? It is his wedding too. Your sister sounds a tad immature...living with her parents, in huge CC debt at the age of 34 is a bit odd. This guy may turn out to be great. Either way, if you want to be around to support her if she needs you later, you need to keep the lines of communication open, you need to accept the man into your family.

 

[boucheresq]

my younger sis met a guy in October, engaged in January, married in June (I was MOH and cried all the way down the aisle), separated in December and divorce complete in May. thank god at least no children. she wanted to get out of the house too. I had started dating my dh the May prior to that October, engaged 4 years later and we've now been married 6 years. my sis is married for a second time - met guy online in August, engaged in January, married in August, now 3 years later due with second child.

 

[cabmom]

Met July, started dating Oct, engaged Jan, married April. It's been 9 yrs this April. Friends of his that were together for a couple of yrs prior to us getting together, married the same yr as us and divorced last year. It was difficult at the beginning of our relationship, but it's very good now!
As for the controlling part, that is scary!

 

[takemetoo]

My dh and I eloped six weeks after we became a couple. The only person who didn't doubt my decision was my younger brother. Even my very supportive mother was upset. But they trusted me and I was only 21. I've been happily married for 6 years and we've 2 boys. We lost friends over our marriage, but my family now absolutely adores my dh. Are you sure the reason you want her to postpone the wedding isn't so that YOU can get to know him better? It is her decision. Let HER make it.

 

[MosMom]

I met DH in March and married him in October. We knew each other before we met but not for long. Been married for 8 1/2 years with no sign of stopping. We are financially stable, have 2 kids, etc. We were 21 when we married. It doesn't necessarily mean they are doomed.

 

[sha_lyn]

Met DH beginning of April . We were engaged by end of May, moved in with him in June. Married in Feb 10 months after we met. would have married the previous Oct, which was only 6 months after we met. However he was sued that August for child support for a child that wasn't his. All our wedding $$ went to the court case. We've been married 16 yrs.

 

[DemonLlama]

One more short-timer chiming in:
Met on a ride to a weekend church retreat Sept. 29, 1990
Proposed Oct. 3, 1990

Yeah, that was five days. We had not "dated" (obviously) but spent inordinate amounts of time over that weekend talking and getting to know one another and on our return, we couldn't get each other out of our minds. More complicated, I was in a going-on-four-years relationship and I was 20 years old.

Ok, so I'm getting to far afield here. Point being, everyone thought we were absolutely nuts. He left for Ft. Knox three months later and was getting sent to the Gulf in May when the war was over and he was able to come home. We got married that summer. 14 years this August, lots of hard times, and deeper in love than ever.

Be sure that the controlling issue is not coming from fear about the short time they have known each other. If he is really trying to control her access to other friends and family, I would be very concerned. But that would have nothing to do with the short time. Many abusers are Prince Charming through long courtships and only becomes monsters later.

At 34, debt or not, it is her life. Just be there no matter what.

 

[CynJ]

My mom met my dad in November and married him in January. That was 34 years ago

DH and I met in April 97 (we worked in the same company) - started dating in August 97 and moved in together in September 97 and got married in September 2000 and couldn't be happier!

Your sister is an adult, one I am hoping that at age 34 can make her own decisions. If its right for her then she should go for it.

As far as him being "controlling" just because he doens't want a "song" seems extreme to me. My DH didn't want a wedding song specifically because he doens't dance - at all. Maybe there is a real reason he doesn't want a wedding song.

 

[disney4us2002]

My dh and I dated three years before getting married but I knew he was the one within 6 wks. We were just sophomores in college so stuck it out to finish education and be better off financially but we both just 'knew'. My crazy parents knew each other 3 wks when they eloped! Of course things were different in 1955 but my dad was stationed near my mom's family home in Illinois and they were set up on a blind date - he was 20 and she was 17. He got papers to leave and head to Texas and it was a now or never scenario and my mom said yes and that was that. They were married 38 yrs when she died.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Stuff like this really scares me too! What if he has bad credit, or maybe something even worse in his past! Maybe you should do a background check. Do a search, and several reputable sites where you can pay to do that will come up.

My aunt married a guy that the whole family was very suspicious about. She had recently been widowed, so I don't think that she was thinking straight. I launched an all out investigation on him, and found out some interesting stuff! Guess what she didn't belive me anyway, and I started WW3 among the family. My relatives finally urged me to give up, because nothing I said to her would change her mind. The whole thing was, and is still a nightmare!

So, I hope I gave you some insight! Good luck!

 

[Kim&Chris]

Thanks everyone. I believe my OP sounded like I was judging them based solely on the amount of time as a couple. That isn't it at all, as I know that you can know almost immediately if someone is "the one".

My issue is that she initially found him to be boring, unattractive, snobby, and difficult to talk to. Then, before we knew it, she was engaged to the guy. He has managed to change almost everything she believes in, not only the choice of wedding song.

I believe there's stuff she's not telling us. I guess she has her reasons, and I will continue to support her. I'm just hoping she is OK after the wedding is over, and lives with him full-time.