My last hope..... Beth's journal(comments welcome)

[mommaU4]

Okay here I am. Putting it all out there for the world (or at least the DISworld) to see. Never thought I'd do this. My weight is not something I like to talk about. Sort of like the huge white elephant in the room that I like to just tip toe around and pretend it's not there. Well, no more.

I am 5'9" and weigh, oh boy,....274 lbs. Okay can't take it back now.

I was overweight as a child but then lost it all before the 8th grade. All through high school I was about 120 lbs. I am blonde with green eyes and with my height and weight I attracted attention everywhere I went. This is not a brag it's just the truth. I was so painfully shy though that this was more of a nightmare for me than a compliment. I know that sounds crazy. I mean who wouldn't want to be the center of attention? Well not me.

My DH and I were high school sweethearts. He has been with me through thick and thin literally and I love him for it. Never once has he critisized my weight. Sometimes I almost wish he would! Maybe it would make me get my butt in gear. Then again it would probably just make me sad and then want to eat more.

Because that's what I do when I'm upset. I eat. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm nervous, or sad, or upset, or frustrated, you name it. And it doesn't have to be just "junk". I've been known to binge on anything and everything.

I happily put on about 40-50 lbs with each pregnancy and never lost it. Funny thing though, by being so heavy it's safe. Nobody really notices you when your heavy. Nobody tries to pick up on you while your mother is standing right there. Or while your actually out on a date with your boyfriend. Your sort of invisible. In fact people tend to not want to look at you at all.

The thing is I'm not getting any younger. I'm 34. My health is going to suffer. I'm either going to have a heart attack or stroke or get diabetes. Who will be there for my four kids? Matter of fact, if something happened to me tomorrow, my kids would have maybe one or two recent pics of me to remember me by. Why? Because I refuse to pose for photos. I don't want to see me in them. Same way I avoid mirrors. If I'm not looking at myself then there's no problem.

But there is a problem and it's time I did something about it. I want to be there for my kids. I want to go swimming with them and play at the park with them. I want to wear shorts again for the first time in almost 9 years! That's right. 9 years ago was the last time I wore shorts. Would not even wear them when we went to WDW in the month of May or Vegas several times in the summer!!

My goal is not to be the way I was in high school. I was not healthy then. I may have been super thin but I would do dumb things like skip breakfast and lunch then eat a whole bag of Oreos for dinner. Not a healthy way to live.

My goal is to go from 274 to 155. That's a loss of 119 lbs which to be honest seems almost impossible to me. Man, what have I done to myself. This board and the support I'll hopefully recieve from it are my last options before I consider surgery which I just really want to avoid if possible for my own reasons.

I am going to have to take this one day at at time because to think about how long and how hard this is going to be is depressing. I have about two weeks before we leave for WDW and my first goal is to lose 10 pounds before we go. Starting today.

 

[gradtchr]

Welcome to the journals! There is so much support here from everyone. You can lose the weight you want to!

What is your plan for losing?

I can't wait to get to know you better.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Wow! First of all, congratulations to you on taking that first big step! I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face, because I can completely identify with what you're writing about yourself. It's a shocker to actually put that number out there in print, isn't it? I know because I'm right there with you. Typing out that 200 number is awful.

I know that you can do this! Losing a large amount of weight seems an insurmountable task, I know, but it's much less intimidating if you focus on a small amount of weight at a time. When I started, I needed to lose 75 pounds. I've found it much easier to give myself short-term weight loss goals, instead of focusing on the big number.

I know that you'll do a fantastic job, and we'll be here to support you every step of the way!

Looking forward to hearing from you again...

 

[mommaU4]

Okay one day down. The first day went all right. Not perfect but I did okay. It's going to take time to undo many, many years of bad habits.

I don't have a specific plan I'm following. No special diet or anything. I'm not good at sticking to those. Maybe further down the road I'll be able to follow something more regimented.

For now it's about common sense. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. I'm not going to deprive myself. That doesn't work well for me. If I want a slice of pizza then I'll have one. But just one, not the 5 or 6 that I could eat. I want this to be a life long change in my eating habits and I just don't think it's realistic to think I'll never eat another slice of pizza.

I need to stop with my all or nothing attitude too. In the past when I would try to lose weight, if I "messed up" halfway through the day by eating some cookies or whatever, I would just say "Oh well, I blew it. Might as well really binge", which of course is just an excuse.

So now if I make a mistake, that's okay. No giving up! Gotta get right back on track. It's going to be a long journey but I'm going to take it one meal at a time.

I need to exercise too which I really detest. I mean I just hate it. Always have even when I was thin and could actually run and do work-outs. I got on my exercise bike yesterday, after I dumped all the clothes off it , and rode for 10 minutes. Pretty pathetic, but it was all I could manage. So it's a start. I'm going to shoot for 10 minutes each time, at least twice a day, four days a week. Then we'll go from there.

I want to say thanks to those who have read my posts. Maybe there's someone out there who is going through this too and will find some, I don't know, some feeling of not being so alone I guess.

And to those who have already offered me support....thanks! It means more to me than you know.

 

[TomB'sWidow]

Hi sounds like a good start, stay focused on those small steps because one day they will take you to the big prize for you and your family to have a healthy life. I also eat my emotions, I can really identifiy with you.
Keep up the good work

 

[pearlieq]

You're not alone. We're all here on this journey. There are some of us who need to lose 20lbs, then there are some of us that need to lose 200+ pounds. It's a long journey with lots of ups and downs, but you've already got the right attitude about not giving up when things get tough.

You can do this if you're willing to stick with it and keep trying.

Welcome to WISH!!!

 

[BankBunny]

Welcome and congratulations on your decision to live healthier. I know how overwhelming it can be to have to drop a large amount of weight. Even though my signature says I only need to loose 50 pounds I 've already lost 32. I started almost 2 years ago at 217 (I'm 5'4"). Just take things day by day and try not to be too hard on yourself when you don't do so good--Like I usually am. I started out by walking on the treadmill or outside every day (or almost every day). I also started eating 5-6 smaller meals every day. And tried to cut out or limit as much "bad" stuff as I could. I did really good for 6 months but have only maintained my weight since then. It's hard getting back on track, but we have to try.

 

[mommaU4]

Well, I have decided I'm going to try to check in and write a little something everyday in my journal here. I think it will help.

Today could've been better. I had alot of people over tonite for dinner and I made baked ziti, garlic and cheddar biscuits, and salad. For dessert there was banana bread and bread pudding. I did good staying away from the desserts but the ziti and the biscuits were too tempting. I don't think it helped that I was busy cleaning and cooking most of the day and forgot to eat so by the time dinner came around I was starving. Hard to have self control when your ravenous!

But let this be a lesson learned not to wait until I've reached that point. What I should have done was made time to eat before the dinner so I wouldn't have eaten so much and all the wrong things. But what's done is done and time to get back on track! four more days till first weigh in. It'll go by fast....

 

[TomB'sWidow]

Mmmm your dinner sounds delicious. It is great you stayed away from the desserts.Stay on track you are doing well

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

Welcome to the journals!!

My DH and I were high school sweethearts. He has been with me through thick and thin literally and I love him for it.
The thing is I'm not getting any younger. I'm 34. My health is going to suffer. I'm either going to have a heart attack or stroke or get diabetes. Who will be there for my four kids?
But there is a problem and it's time I did something about it. I want to be there for my kids. I want to go swimming with them and play at the park with them. I am going to have to take this one day at at time. Starting today.

You are being honest, you have a good support in your DH (and, you'll find, on these boards!) and you have the best reasons in the world for this - your health and your love for your kids. (I have 4 also, very busy life, but fun!)

It is one day at a time, and there will be good days and bad days, but just keep working, and you'll reach your goal. You can do it!!

 

[eeyore25]

HI and welcome to WISH. Congrats on taking the first step.

It is one day at a time and if you fall off, you get to start over. Someone once said to me that there are no do over's in life, just new beginnings. I have really come to realize that it so true. If I fall off today, I start over tomorrow.

You can do this, you have come to a great place. Don't be too hard on yourself about your exercise. The good news is that you are getting it in!

Keep up the good work. You can do this, I know you can

 

[travel with kids]

You ARE doing it. You are understanding where your weaknesses are and you are trying to modify them for healthier eating.

I think the journaling is awesome. I am returning to w.i.s.h. and found the journals to be incredibly motivating. It sound like you have built a support network for yourself (your DH and w.i.s.h.). I know you are going to do great--one day at a time.

 

[frogmommy]

Hi Beth-

I really relate to some of the things you said in your first post, especially the part about wanting to be healthier for your kids. That's part of the motivation behind my weight loss as well. I want to live a long time so I can be there for them, and I want to set a good example for them.

You look like you are off to a good start. Good luck, you can do this!!!

 

[Katy Belle]

Hi Beth,

Congratulations on taking this first step

I have just begun the journey as well. I'm on day 5. It's tough, but really it will be worth it. I, like you, am hoping these journals will help motivate me.

I'm proud of you riding your bike! I hate to excercise too. The most I've done in these 5 days is to walk the dog. If I can at least do that several times a week its better than before!

Hang in there, we're in this together!
Katy

 

[Cruise04]

Just finally getting to journals and wanted to welcome you. I have a large amount to lose to and the thing that has helped me is to break it up in segments. My first one was 25 pounds by Christmas. When I hit that then I set for another 25 pounds by Thanksgiving. I'm not going to hit that probably (TOM really plays with me and then I'll only have a week and that's too much in one week). But after that I'll strive for the next 25, or 15 or 10. The hard part is definitely breaking habits and remember to eat - that is a hard one for me too.

Keep on
Chris