my kids are spoiled

[RN4Babies]

Something still nagging at me... Financial success doesn't make one a good person. It simply makes him/her a taxpayer. There are headlines everywhere about crooked, greedy, CEOs and similar stories.
Our quiet, suburban town made national headlines when a well-respected rabbi's wife was murdered and the investigation pointed to him. The grown children stood by their dad throughout the trial which ended in a mistrial. So much evidence pointed to him which the kids learned while at the trial so at the 2nd trial they testified against their father.

I get compliements on my ds12 often and his report cards/progress report all say 'he's a pleasure to have in class'. He won't even smoosh a spider in the house cuz it's a living creature.
Without humiliation.

I'm not saying let kids be brats. I see it too. Sometimes it's nauseating. I just don't agree with the signs.

As for teenage pregnancy, my 92 yr old grandmother just told me a few weeks ago that there were lots of girls in her high school having sex and getting pregnant, it was just kept hush-hush in those days. (30's)
Families would move to avoid being 'disgraced'.
I also dated 2 guys in HS whose moms were 'good Catholic girls' but still ended up getting married b/c of pregnacy. In those days they had to quick get married and would call the baby a preemie, at 7 lbs. Dh even teases his mom that he was born with a broken arm trying to hold onto the wedding day. After 52 years they're still happily married.

It's always been happening but for some strange reason, it's more socially acceptable now. Not that I agree with it, just stating the facts.

At no time did I say or mean to suggest that financial success makes anyone a good person. My point with my post was that my parents had some extremely strict and controversial parenting strategies they used for me and my siblings, and that we are all well adjusted, educated and "normal", in spite of our parents.

No, it's not nirvana.......my dad left my mom after 37 years of marriage for a 19 year old girl, but THAT'S a whole different can of worms...........

 

[RN4Babies]

I think we will! I agree with what you have said about your priorities as a parent but I would put friend in there too from a young age. If a 6 year old can't say that their mum is their friend I find that very sad indeed. I just don't see how putting signs on your children's neck is the ONLY or the best way to achieve this.

If you look at my first post to the op, it wasn't the only thing I suggested. I also suggested in a subsequent post that she consider parenting classes as well as therapists who can greatly help the entire family. The op has spoiled children (her words), and asked for suggestions with how to change the behavior, manners and expectations of 6 and 8 year old boys. IMO, she needs to take a very tough love approach at this point, not soft and fuzzy.

 

[bonybroad]

WOW! Go away on a 5K charity walk in blistering heat with a 6 year old and 8 year old and come back to this!
I appreciate everyone's views on this subject. I didn't realize my little whine/vent would elicit such strong opinions! I guess I kinda thought that all parents feel this way sometimes. I guess I was wrong!

 

[dogluva]

As a kid, if we were whining incessantly (rarely happened, but there were a few times.....) we'd wear a sign that says "I Whine". When my daughter started biting other kids, and she didn't stop after her nursery school teacher and I both told her to stop, she got a sign that said "I Bite" for that day. As I previously said, that's THE ONLY TIME IN ALMOST 20 YEARS OF BEING A PARENT THAT I'VE USED A SIGN as a parenting strategy, and it stopped her biting almost immediately.

I also "catch my kids being/doing good" all of the time. They get a LOT of hugs, kisses and pats on the back. Having said that, they know that if they don't say "please", they don't get whatever it is they're asking for, and if they don't say "thank you", they don't get to keep it. They know what behavior is acceptable and what won't be tolerated. Yes, I run a tight ship and am probably regarded by some parents as being "too harsh". Personally, my feeling is that I am NOT here to be a friend to my kids while they're kids; I'm here to be their parent, and as a single mom to make certain that they tow the line, think of others before themselves, and become happy, contributing members of our society as they grow and mature. I've had people come up to me and compliment me and the way my kids behave. Example: Last night we went out for dinner at a local chinese buffet restaurant. DS18 went up to get some food. A woman about my age stopped at my table, said DS and she arrived at a steam table at the same time, and he stepped back, looked at her and smiled and said "After you." She wanted to let me know how impressed she was by his respect and manners. A small thing, perhaps, but I made very sure to retell her compliment to DS and let him know how proud I am of him. We also stopped at a redbox DVD machine, and he got to choose a movie for us to watch as an "atta boy" treat.

Seeing how some kids behave in public (over and over again, whether it's at Brownies, at school or at softball/soccer practice and games) is shocking to me. Parents seem to either be oblivious or they're constantly hollering or making empty threats (Johnny, if you don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after the game....Johnny continues doing what he's doing, the parent keeps yelling, and you see them having at McDonalds having ice cream afterwards. ) I don't think it's a coincidence that as parenting styles have relaxed over the years that we've been seeing increases in crime, early sexual activity in many kids, and general poor manners and disrespect.

To the OP....if your kids are truly out of control, and you don't know where to start to change things around, there are wonderful parenting classes out there, child behavioral therapists, as well as counselors who can give you suggestions that may work. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I am not trying to pick on you, but, seriously, do you really have to get an 18 year old an "atta boy" treat? Isn't he old enough to just do the right thing for the sake of it being the right thing? A reward for a six year old, maybe, but after this, kids don't need to be rewarded for doing what is expected from them, especially when they are legal adults.

 

[RN4Babies]

I am not trying to pick on you, but, seriously, do you really have to get an 18 year old an "atta boy" treat? Isn't he old enough to just do the right thing for the sake of it being the right thing? A reward for a six year old, maybe, but after this, kids don't need to be rewarded for doing what is expected from them, especially when they are legal adults.

He's still in high school, and has had to do a lot of growing up the last two years. I was diagnosed with cancer in July 2007, and finally completed treatment (three surgeries, radiation, immunotheray and two long courses of chemotherapy) earlier this year. My ex lives thousands of miles away, and I don't have family close by; my then 16 year old son stepped up to the plate and became everything I needed him to be, especially for his then 6 year old sister. He was her chauffer, he helped her with homework, he did the household chores, he went to her holiday concerts when I was really sick, and he put his friends and interests (he was 1st baseman on the high school varsity team since he was a freshman) on the back burner. (DD is high functioning autistic/has asperger's syndrome, and he is fabulous with her). He never once complained, he maintained his grades in school and is graduating with honors, and took on an incredible amount of responsibility. 99% of the time we check out DVD's for free from the library; renting one is a rarity.

So yeah....he is 18, and a legal adult....but considering the circumstances, I have no problem with an "atta boy" treat once in awhile.

 

[brergnat]

I am sorry but I am still not convinced that wearing a sign round a childs neck is anything less than cruel. I don't think that is a tight ship - I think it is emotional abuse.

A sign that says "I bite" is NOT emotional abuse.

A sign that says "I am good for nothing because I bite" IS emotional abuse.

A sign that says "My parents don't love me because I bite" IS emotional abuse.

A sign that says "I am a worthless piece of trash because I bite" IS emotional abuse.

I think you get the picture.

Being made to wear a sign that indicates that you engage in a behavior that is DANGEROUS to others is NOT emotional abuse. A 2 year old, made to wear a sign like that, will feel ashamed, and rightly so, and will not WANT to wear the sign anymore, so the biting will stop. That is a very good way to eliminate the behavior, in my opinion.

Some kids respond to "no biting" or "we don't bite", etc. But you cannot judge a parent's choice of discipline because of how YOUR kids may have responded to the way you would have done it. All kids are different, and what works for one kid may not work for another. There are some STUBBORN kids out there.

All you parents preaching about how great you are because your kids respond to simple commands are just lucky that you have good natured kids! I have one of those too...and then I have another one who is, I swear, possessed by demons from the depths of Hades. He also has speech/developmental delays, and I tell you, the "normal" ways of discipline just DO NOT work for him. It is a constant battle. So, go on and think that your way is the only way, but don't go and hop on the "emotional abuse" train with every parent who does something that you find shocking. Spend a day with a TRULY difficult child and you would probably change your tune real quick...

I would never do anything that would cause emotional scarring in my children. I am very aware that my actions/words have a direct effect on the emotional well being of my children's future. I think very carefully before I speak to them when I am angry. I choose my words very carefully, and their punishments focus on time outs (they are only 4.5 and 3 right now) and denial of priviledges (basic things like t.v. and taking away favorite toys). I don't use physical punishments unless they are doing something that will cause imminent danger to themselves or others. I never had reason to use something like a sign around my kid's neck, but I have to say, I think it's a brilliant idea! Unfortunately, my kids don't so much care what other people think of them (and my older son has autism, so he couldn't really care less what other people think...he would GLADLY wear a sign, and PROUDLY tell people what it said...).

Most of all, though, I try not to judge others parenting choices. I don't have THEIR children, and they don't have mine. It's as easy as that. I just wish that more people would take a more ACTIVE approach at parenting, that's all.

 

[dogluva]

He's still in high school, and has had to do a lot of growing up the last two years. I was diagnosed with cancer in July 2007, and finally completed treatment (three surgeries, radiation, immunotheray and two long courses of chemotherapy) earlier this year. My ex lives thousands of miles away, and I don't have family close by; my then 16 year old son stepped up to the plate and became everything I needed him to be, especially for his then 6 year old sister. He was her chauffer, he helped her with homework, he did the household chores, he went to her holiday concerts when I was really sick, and he put his friends and interests (he was 1st baseman on the high school varsity team since he was a freshman) on the back burner. (DD is high functioning autistic/has asperger's syndrome, and he is fabulous with her). He never once complained, he maintained his grades in school and is graduating with honors, and took on an incredible amount of responsibility. 99% of the time we check out DVD's for free from the library; renting one is a rarity.


So yeah....he is 18, and a legal adult....but considering the circumstances, I have no problem with an "atta boy" treat once in awhile.

Well he sounds like a good kid.

Did you know your daughter was on the spectrum when she was two and biting? just curious.

 

[RN4Babies]

Well he sounds like a good kid.

Did you know your daughter was on the spectrum when she was two and biting? just curious.

No, I didn't. She was in birth to three for a significant speech delay starting when she was 2, and at 2 1/2 when the biting started she knew some sign language her speech therapist had taught us, and had about 40 words she could say verbally. At three years old doctors and therapists started saying she had "global delays". She wasn't diagnosed with autism/asperger's until she was 4 1/2 (finally!!).

And thank you for the compliment about my son! He is a very special young man, and makes me proud to be called "mom" every day!!!

 

[Cindy F]

As a kid, if we were whining incessantly (rarely happened, but there were a few times.....) we'd wear a sign that says "I Whine". When my daughter started biting other kids, and she didn't stop after her nursery school teacher and I both told her to stop, she got a sign that said "I Bite" for that day. As I previously said, that's THE ONLY TIME IN ALMOST 20 YEARS OF BEING A PARENT THAT I'VE USED A SIGN as a parenting strategy, and it stopped her biting almost immediately........

You don't need to justify your parenting techniques to anyone. It is your family and your children.

There are many who think spanking is wrong too and that's fine, they are entitled to their opinion. They are not entitled however, to enforce their opinion on anyone else's family.

I tend to be pretty moderate, I'll spank if it's something bad enough to warrant a spanking-in MY opinion but most of the time time outs and taking something away works pretty well.

Your parents hung a sign around your neck, ours whipped us with a belt. Everyone turned out ok-we're all happy and healthy with good jobs and families so it must not of been too "humiliating" and life altering.

Good luck OP, you'll find what works best for you and your kids. For what it's worth-my oldest started throwing screaming fits when she was about 5? (only at home) The 3rd time or so that she did this and I couldn't get her to calm down, I just picked her up and put her clothes and all into the shower and turned the cold water on.

She stopped immediately. I got her out, dried her off, sat her on the bed and said "From now on-every time you throw a fit like that, I'm putting you in the shower until you calm down. Now, let's talk-what was that all about?"

Never happened again. You'll find what works for you and the boys, lots of hugs and luck to you.

 

[SLK1]

Should be interesting in 20 years or so when our kids get on the DIS and start typing, "My mom made me wear a sign!", or "My mom only yelled one-word commands at me!"....then we'll see if our individual discipline techniques actually worked, or caused emotional distress!!!!

 

[momx2]

WOW! Go away on a 5K charity walk in blistering heat with a 6 year old and 8 year old and come back to this!
I appreciate everyone's views on this subject. I didn't realize my little whine/vent would elicit such strong opinions! I guess I kinda thought that all parents feel this way sometimes. I guess I was wrong!

Oh trust me...we all feel this way. I've cried too, but that doesn't mean my DDs need to wear a sign to correct their behavior. Good luck! I think you have laid out a good plan in your previous posts.

 

[ilovejack02]

LOL at the I bite sign

Maybe she just stopped biting because all kids knew to avoid her.


I dont know what works .. all kids are different, but some interesting ideas have been posted on here.

Funny to see what works for some .

 

[brergnat]

Good luck OP, you'll find what works best for you and your kids. For what it's worth-my oldest started throwing screaming fits when she was about 5? (only at home) The 3rd time or so that she did this and I couldn't get her to calm down, I just picked her up and put her clothes and all into the shower and turned the cold water on.

She stopped immediately. I got her out, dried her off, sat her on the bed and said "From now on-every time you throw a fit like that, I'm putting you in the shower until you calm down. Now, let's talk-what was that all about?"

Never happened again. You'll find what works for you and the boys, lots of hugs and luck to you.

Have to laugh at this. My GRANDMOTHER did this to my older sister (some 27 years ago or so). She threw a fit in a department store because she wanted a toy. She began yelling and screaming and stomping her feet. Grandma marched her home (she continued to yell and scream the whole time), and stripped her down and put her in the bathtub full of cold water. She didn't get her out until she stopped screaming. It took all of a minute. This was in summertime in Puerto Rico, so it's not like she froze to death in the "cold bath". It was just enough to straighten her out.

Guess how many more times she had a tantrum in public?

 

[brymolmom]

I really like shower idea.

There's one other one I saw on a TV show where a pre-teen girl kept slamming her door. The dad took the door off her room.

I hope I'd be brave enough to use them if it got to that point!

Thanks for the ideas!

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Can you give me an example of when someone would be made to wear a sign humiliating them in the real world. i am struggling to think of where.

Actually this is frequently used in the military. I have seen it used for traffic offenses, a soldier on a corner holding a large sign stating "I DIDN'T STOP FOR THIS STOP SIGN" or something to that affect during the busiest traffic times. Another soldier standing in a sports club on post in his Class A's (dress uniform) at the door and every time someone came in he had to tell them he was there because he wore an earring on post (which was against the rules).

I am a big proponent of "let the punishment fit the crime" with my kids, for example, one child wrote on the wall with a pencil. His punishment was scrubbing the pencil off the wall. And I have to say I would much rather read where someone had their child wear a sign around their neck stating they bite than read that they bit them back which is something I've heard from quite a few parents.

I have to admit, based on a previous post, I am a "next time" Mom, to a certain degree. I call it giving my children the chance to make the correct choice. I will say "Ok, you can continue to throw a fit and you can go home and take a nap or you can stop now so we can go to the park." That's with a younger child, 3 or 4 maybe, not an older one that already knows better.

To the OP, I understand where you're coming from. I have 5 kids and I have found that with my 5th child I have been more lenient. I'm not sure if it's because he's the baby or I just tire easily or what, but at 5 years old now he is pretty spoiled and while DH and I are working on being more strict with him it's still hard because the other kids still want to give in to him. It's stressful to live with a child like that and I feel guilty because it was my doing. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you find a solution that works for you. For me it's been alot of work and definitely consistency that's the key. Once we establish the rules DH and I have to be consistent with them and follow through with the consequences every time.

 

[momx2]

I really like shower idea.

There's one other one I saw on a TV show where a pre-teen girl kept slamming her door. The dad took the door off her room.

I hope I'd be brave enough to use them if it got to that point!

Thanks for the ideas!

Oh, I've done that to my oldest DD a few times. I'll do it again if need be. No slamming doors!

 

[LittleMissMagic]

Can you give me an example of when someone would be made to wear a sign humiliating them in the real world. i am struggling to think of where.

Well, not exactly real world, but this is the theme of The Scarlet Letter. The protagonist, Hester, had premaritual sex, apparent by her pregnancy, and was forced to wear the scarlet letter, A, for 'Adultery.' Her partner in crime, the town clergyman, got away free (ironic, eh?). (But eventually the guilt killed him.)

 

[ScotsMinnie]

Actually this is frequently used in the military. I have seen it used for traffic offenses, a soldier on a corner holding a large sign stating "I DIDN'T STOP FOR THIS STOP SIGN" or something to that affect during the busiest traffic times. Another soldier standing in a sports club on post in his Class A's (dress uniform) at the door and every time someone came in he had to tell them he was there because he wore an earring on post (which was against the rules).

Ah , the Military - such a good example.....

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Ah , the Military - such a good example.....

It happens to be the "real world" for alot of us, which is the example you asked for. (And I'm quite proud of my DH BTW). Maybe the commanders should give soldiers time-outs instead, I can see it now: "Sergeant, I understand that you ran that stop sign because you were angry. Instead of going to formation this morning go sit in time out for 30 minutes until you calm down then we'll talk about it."

The point is, consequences for children aren't used because that's what they do in the "real world", they're used so they can learn how to behave when they reach adulthood. No, you can't injure your friends because when you're an adult you can't so we teach them when they're young. You're angry so you take a few minutes to calm yourself down which is taught by sitting kids in time out. And different children respond to different methods, it all comes down to knowing your kids.

 

[Fabinva]

Originally Posted by Cindy F
Good luck OP, you'll find what works best for you and your kids. For what it's worth-my oldest started throwing screaming fits when she was about 5? (only at home) The 3rd time or so that she did this and I couldn't get her to calm down, I just picked her up and put her clothes and all into the shower and turned the cold water on.

Been there...my son learned this trick long ago and it worked for him too.

To the OP...you are not alone, I have two kids, DS8 and DD6, who are spoiled and do not listen to me much, they do listen to dad which makes mom even more frustrated The only thing that works for us is the behavior chart with rewards or consequences, sticking to it is key and to be honest we've been slacking for the longest time and this past weekend was just too busy to sit down and get it going again.
We do not buy everything they want and many times the kids spend their allowance, if it's something they really want.
I would not cancel the trip to Disney, we all need a vacation and you most likely will not hear a lot of whinning there, look at it as a break for you and your husband and not just a trip for the kids