My kid - love him or hate him - longish post

[ckay87]

Seriously! At this point I just find myself scratching my head over this. Kiddo is in 4th grade this year. Teachers always seem to have strong feelings about him and they go like this:

Kindergarten and 1st grade: He is such a joy to have in class. Well behaved, helpful, courteous, etc. etc.

2nd grade: Disruptive, doesn't stay on task, trouble following classroom rules, etc. etc. (At this point I'm like, ok, something has drastically changed. It was a rough year - he hated school.)

3rd grade: Just love having him in class, he makes me laugh every day (she said this), well-mannered, focused, etc. (What a wonderful year - ok, are we back in business here? Nope...)

4th grade: We need to talk about behavior issues. He is disruptive unfocused, bla bla bla.

That's where we are. I'm like - are we dealing with Jeckle and Hyde here or what? I really believe these are all issues of personalities either clashing or meshing. K, 1 & 3 teachers liked him, he liked them and responded accordingly. 2 & 4 teachers just plain old disliked him, he senses that and again is responding accordingly.

It's hard...this year he comes home crying (a river) because "my teacher hates me" (he SO cares about what she thinks, it's sad) and then she pulls me aside to tell me we have to talk about behavior issues.

This is not general teacher bashing in the least. I fully support all of my kids' teachers. I have just come to the point where I'm realizing that personalities clash in the classroom as well as they do at, say, the workplace. And I've kind of started to take some of this feedback with a grain of salt.

We had a talk last night about how there will always be people in authority who you may not be crazy about, but she is your teacher and you must follow her rules and make the best of it. That's all we can ask of you.

It just stinks - has anyone else had anything like this?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh yea....My 15yo and elementary school did not get along to well. The teachers generally disliked her. It does affect their grades which adds fuel to the fire.

Once she started Middle School she was fine, except for 1 math teacher. She favored boys and my dd was not cool with that so they clashed.

Now my 10yodd, well she is a teacher's pet however she is HATING her class this year. She is with kids that are disruptive and it is hard for her.
Plus she is 10 and is heading toward puberty.

We did counseling, meds, etc... with older dd to get her focused since we knew it was key for her to mature her attitude for middle and high school.
She is not an easy kid, never was, but the hard work has paid off and she is a great student now!

 

[mickeyboat]

I think you have hit the nail on the head, and I think you have handled it well. Maybe you could try to teach your son some coping strategies for dealing with people he doesn't get along with. It will be a valuable life skill for him.

In the mean time, talk to the teacher, and ask what behaviors are particularly bothersome for her, and address those with your son as well. Find out whether it is just him, or a group of children, especially whether it is a group of boys.

I had a friend who faced something similar with her 4th grade son last year. Apparently the boys in the class got the impression that the teacher only liked the girls. They went to the guidance counselor, parents met with teachers, but the problem continued. Amazingly, this child is doing a lot better this year.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[shirleyb]

Sounds like you're right on to me. Whether there are personality clashes or not, it's something that everyone has to learn to deal with already, and you've done a great job explaining that to him.

Have you been able to get specifics about his behavior that you might be able to make a judgment on? Some teachers, particularly the younger ones in my experience, tend to be more easy going and might enjoy a class clown (if that's what he is, from your comment about makes me laugh) whereas other teachers have no tolerance for that.

My DH was a class clown, and to this day, he runs into teachers he used to have that just loved him to death, whereas I was a straight A student and I'll bet I don't have a single teacher that remembers me!

 

[SnowWhite33]

My ds has been through similar problems, K-2nd no issues. When he hit 3rd grade it was a nightmare. IMO I just feel like the teacher didn't like him and there was a major personality clash, and in his school the 3rd and 4th grade classes were mixed, meaning he would have to have her again in 4th grade. After endless battles I got him into a different 4th grade class and he did wonderful, his teacher loved him and he was an honor roll student throughout 4th and 5th grades.

He started middle school this year and he has 5 different teachers, all of them but his English teacher get along with him. We've already had 2 issues.

First he forgot his library book at home, but had a different book, it was an anime book, so during silent reading he took it out to read. She took it away and made him write sentences IMO if he was reading, quiet, and not bothering anyone why punish him?

Next his bookbag and coat ended up on the floor and the teacher took it away from him and KEPT it over the weekend I have talked to the counselor about her, but I'm not sure that will do any good.

 

[ckay87]

Have you been able to get specifics about his behavior that you might be able to make a judgment on? Some teachers, particularly the younger ones in my experience, tend to be more easy going and might enjoy a class clown (if that's what he is, from your comment about makes me laugh) whereas other teachers have no tolerance for that.

My DH was a class clown, and to this day, he runs into teachers he used to have that just loved him to death, whereas I was a straight A student and I'll bet I don't have a single teacher that remembers me!

That's exactly it. And yes, this teacher did mention that "he likes to be funny." Last year's teacher actually found him funny, this one does not. And I kind of found myself thinking last year that maybe she shouldn't encourage him. But our climate at home is to make each other laugh at just about any cost, so that doesn't help either, probably.

 

[hydster]

Been through this with my dd who is now 13 and it stunk! She did great until 5th grade and then all hell broke loose with her. Thanks to a MAJOR personality clash with her teacher my dd has lost ALL confidence in her ability to understand and complete math problems.

As a teacher and a parent I tried everything with my dd to help her through that year with coping and after awhile she did "ok" but it has affected her since.

I would talk to the teacher and find out the whole story from HER side....then I'd take those issues and get the whole story from your son's side and then try to put the thing somewhere in the middle and go from there.

If this continues to be the trend with the teacher and your son I would suggest setting up a meeting with the principal AFTER you have talked with the teacher. If the clash is still bad I'd see if you can get him moved to another class if at all possible. For us it was impossible to move our dd to another class and it really has hurt her academically in math!

Good luck....I know how hard it is to have kids who are unhappy in school and who leave or come home bawling every day! I hope it gets better for your son.

 

[Cindyluwho]

How about inviting the teacher over for dinner and talking it out as friends? It may help the teacher see your son in a different light and if you're open to her honesty, maybe she can give you some insight as well. It may not be either of their "fault", maybe they just don't really hit it off. But being friendly can't hurt and may just help the situation.

 

[Frantasmic]

Funny kids can be disruptive. I got the laugh all the time, but definitely some teachers did NOT enjoy my outbursts.

Being the son of a teacher, my mom usually sided with them. A teacher has a right to conduct their classroom as they see fit (within limits of course).

If she is saying she doesn't like the student to his/her face, then you have a right to discuss with the principal. Otherwise, nows as good a time as any to show that people in charge, like bosses, usually have their way, whether it is right or not.

I have a 5 year old son. We have gotten him to comply with a lot of our wishes by turning chores into contests to see who can finish the quickest. The consequence is a fast kid who is very competitive and now cries sometimes at school if he isn't "first" all the time. So, we have had to curtail our contests at home and deemphasize winning.

Your son may need to deemphasize his funny bone at school for a year, or at least learn to use it mostly at recess or lunch.

 

[mickeyboat]

Thanks to a MAJOR personality clash with her teacher my dd has lost ALL confidence in her ability to understand and complete math problems.

Heidi - I am sure you are already doing this, but please please please do whatever you can to make sure your regains her confidence in math. I moved a lot growing up, and ended up being placed in a math class I wasn't ready for. I didn't do very well and it really made me believe I was no good in math. Imagine my surprise when I aced the rest of my high school and college math courses, but still thought I couldn't do math.

Even today I have a "fear" of math, and I am a Controller.

It is amazing the positive or negative impact a teacher can have on a child. Do teachers really understand this?

Denae

 

[hydster]

Denae--Yes we are working on this HARD with her! She was good at it until 5th grade and then the belittling that her teacher did and the way she talked to my dd when she had a question really messed with her. I don't think her 5th grade teacher liked math or knew quite how to explain it.

Fortunately with 7th grade and her new math teacher who is dedicated only to math and no other subject things are going more smoothly but she still has a long ways to go. He is very patient with her and will try different ways to explain it. She goes to after school tutor for an hour and thankfully she only goes to math every other day so we get 2 nights to help her through it.

It's just so frustrating to know that this could have been avoided if she had been placed in another class.

 

[disneymac]

I've had the same problem with DS. Clashing personalities definitely can make or break the whole year! By the end of first grade his self esteem was shot and he absolutely hated school. He loved it before that and still loves learning - just hates school. This year he was assigned to a teacher who is very much like his first grade teacher. I called the principal and told her I needed him moved & that they were not a good match. He is in a different class and we both love his teacher this year! The improvement in him/his schoolwork & his attitude toward school is amazing!

I still feel guilty that I didn't know enough to have him moved to another class in first grade. I'm hoping that this year will help us make up some of that lost ground.

 

[golfgal]

Sounds like my DS14, kindergarten he was a "joy", 1st grade he had "trouble focusing", second grade he was 'wonderful' to have in class, 3rd grade we had all kinds of issues, 4th grade he was wonderful again, etc., etc. Each year was directly related to how organized his teachers were, he does not do well with disorganization. I can tell from day one how organized his teachers are by his attitude toward the class, homework, etc. His 3rd grade teacher was a nightmare, he also had her in 5th grade and 6th grade. It wasn't a good thing at all. He got through it but it is VERY frustrating.

 

[SDFgirl]

As a teacher, I have to chime in here. I have a terrific class this year - I love each and every one of my kids. Even the ones who drive me nuts, I still see something wonderful in each of them.

I just had parent teacher conferences the other day, and I was so surprised at how many parents said that their kids had lots of trouble with their teachers last year. They said the kids were always in trouble, getting notes home, etc.

Now, I'm confused. My little darlings were causing THAT much trouble?? I think they behave really well most of the time.

It may be that I'm just too easy on them, but I don't think so. I think that students will tend to live up or down to their teacher's expectations of them. I have high expectations and I have created a positive classroom environment, and I think the kids have responded to that.

I'm FAR from a perfect teacher, (I have a HUGE stack of ungraded papers in my bag ) but I'm proud of the climate I've created in my room. Sounds like these teachers need to work on their classroom climate.

 

[golfgal]

As a teacher, I have to chime in here. I have a terrific class this year - I love each and every one of my kids. Even the ones who drive me nuts, I still see something wonderful in each of them.

I just had parent teacher conferences the other day, and I was so surprised at how many parents said that their kids had lots of trouble with their teachers last year. They said the kids were always in trouble, getting notes home, etc.

Now, I'm confused. My little darlings were causing THAT much trouble?? I think they behave really well most of the time.

It may be that I'm just too easy on them, but I don't think so. I think that students will tend to live up or down to their teacher's expectations of them. I have high expectations and I have created a positive classroom environment, and I think the kids have responded to that.

I'm FAR from a perfect teacher, (I have a HUGE stack of ungraded papers in my bag ) but I'm proud of the climate I've created in my room. Sounds like these teachers need to work on their classroom climate.

Some teachers are more tolerant of more active kids then others and THAT makes a HUGE difference in the overall feeling the kids get. The one teacher our DS14 had would just ramble on all day, no discipline in the classroom, the kids would be up and down, sharpening pencils, getting kleenex, going in and out of the room ALL the time and she was oblivious to it all. It wasn't a very good environment for learning. I was a regular volunteer in the classroom and I had a hard time concentrating on what I was doing with all this commotion, that and she was constantly mispronouncing words, using double negatives, words like "ain't", drove me nuts!

 

[Southern4sure]

I had this problem last year when DS was in 4th grade also. Notes coming home every other day. The notes were not consistant to my ds character but I thought the teacher must know what she's talking about right?

1 1/2 months into school, I had a conference with the teacher. She moved ds to a structured reading group (kids struggling to read) even though ds was the top reader (her words) in her class only because he lost his paper twice that they journaled in. I knew nothing of this until afterwards but had I known maybe I could have encouraged ds to try harder with keeping up with papers and etc.

Icing on the cake was she pulled me aside (this was becoming a regular habit) and she got mad at me then ended up telling me ds was a rude child. I was hot because this is something I knew ds was not. So I asked her to clarify so I could talk it over with ds at home. She said my son was rude because he hugged her....twice. The day of the hugs was a festival of sorts (family night) at school and all the kids were excited and hugging their teachers.

Next day I demanded ds taken out of this classroom and this teacher was not to have anything to do with ds. Rest of the school year was great.

Sorry about the long post but sometimes the teachers are wrong and it is OK to question them. If you feel you need to switch teachers then do it. Don't worry about hurting anyones feelings....your child must come first.

Good Luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

First of all, remember that there are 3 sides to every story...his, hers and the truth.

Yor child may very well be encountering a teacher whose personality or style doesn't mesh with his. Or the teacher may be a witch, or your child may be a brat in school. Or it may be a bit of all of the above or they may be 2 people with 2 different personalities who have to learn to deal with each other. Don't go in with any preconceived notions and approach it from a problem-solving rather than blaming stance.

Once you have spoken to the teacher and gotten specifics, then work on those. I would also not hesitate to bring up the positives he has had from past teachers. I can recall when I was in nursing school having a professor who I had no confidence in. She was one of the clinical instructors, so she bore the ultimate repsonsibility of what we student nurses did on the floor, when working with the patients. Well, hello!!! I'm a student, so I don't know everything, she's the professor who's supposed to know everything and doesn't. Can you say anxiety!!!!!! And it was reflected in my evaluations, to the point where she thought that perhaps I wasn't "cut out" to be a nurse. I made it through that semester with her by the skin of my teeth. next semester I had a FABULOUS professor. She actually commented to me during my evaluations with her that she had read the previous instructor's commentary about me and couldn't believe it was the same student that she was seeing. Well, I let it rip, in a nice way, about how little confidence I had in her, specific examples and so forth. She was obviously distressed, and amazingly enough, the bad instructor retired at the end of that school year.

 

[tkd lisa]

This sounds like my DD. She has a very STRONG personality, and over the years, I've had every kind of teacher reaction there is! She definitely thrives when she can tell the teacher likes her.

Last year, she went round and round with her history teacher. He had very high standards, and knew she COULD do the work. I can't say that I have figured out a solution to how to handle this. What I personally do (and remember my DD is in 9th grade now), is set a family expectation for grades. When she was younger, there was one for "behavior" as well. As long as she met those expectations, she got whatever privilege was important to her at the time (now it's internet). When she didn't, she lost the privilege. I didn't take "the teacher hates me" as an excuse. I told her it was up to her to maintain the standard. Now if I knew there was a problem with a teacher, the expectation would be different, but she was still responsible for meeting the standard. What that did was put her in a position of control.

Good luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, Southern4Sure!
I tend to agree with this post. When teaching elementary aged children, whether a teacher 'likes' a student should be completely immaterial. We are talking about an adult teacher/authority figure and a child! There is no excuse for the adult teacher to engage in a 'personality conflict' with a child.

I would see it as a huge red flag if my son were to, just suddenly, start to have emotional and behavioral difficulties, based on which teacher he has.

 

[Southern4sure]

Wow, Southern4Sure!
I tend to agree with this post. When teaching elementary aged children, whether a teacher 'likes' a student should be completely immaterial. We are talking about an adult teacher/authority figure and a child! There is no excuse for the adult teacher to engage in a 'personality conflict' with a child.

I would see it as a huge red flag if my son were to, just suddenly, start to have emotional and behavioral difficulties, based on which teacher he has.

The day ds was moved to another class, I learned 4 other children were removed from this teachers class. This was the first time I ever moved either of my ds to another class but I knew I was doing the right thing in this case.

Supposedly the teacher is retiring this year but time will tell. I could tell you more stories about this teacher but I won't.