My In-Laws Said Horrible Things About Me

[Disney Cakers]

What would you do??

DH and I have been married 4 years (together 5 1/2)
& our relationship w/his parents has been so-so. I have always been nice to them: I've made homemade birthday cards, cooked dinners, and supported them in tough times. I've even tried to get his younger sister (who's 24 and still lives at home - but has no life) to get out and I took her to Dallas to see a movie she wanted to see at the Angelika, an up-scale theater. But all through the years, I always complained to DH that I felt like they didn't like me. They never invited me to do things with them, and often rejected our offers and sometimes gave us excuses as why we couldn't come visit.

The holidays are horrible. The only holiday we actually have with them is Thanksgiving, which we celebrate on my FIL's birthday. Its been that way every year. This year, no one told us about their plans. And we did nothing.

Well, we had this surprise ping-pong table in our garage. It was MIL's Christmas present that they had to stash at our place. Low and behold - about a week before Christmas - there are no plans. And we make other plans because we are often left dissappointed. So DH calls to arrange for the p/u of such ping pong table so that he can be sure to be there and help his dad moving it.

In the end, our available schedule (DH works retail and 6 days a week in Dec) is taken as a "blow off" for Christmas. And soon turns into a family session which my DH has to go to. It turned out being a "we act that way because..." and they said all these horrible things about me!...


1. That I once said that I planned on manipulating my grandpa into buying us a washer and dryer for our wedding. And then, on another occasion, I mentioned that we got a washer and dryer.

2. That I said that I manipulate my parents into getting me whatever I want.

3. When FIL was in hospital for stroke (which turned out to be minor, thank god) that we had to leave because I had the "sniffles"

4. At a birthday dinner (for me) I let my neice (their grand-daughter then 3) play with the helium balloon given to me by my parents, then eventually took it away from her (how dare I)

5. That I delibertly kept my DH away from them

6. That we only came out to see them when I wanted to show them something


DH got mad and stood up for me. And when I heard all the things they said about me, I told them how I did not appreciate the things they said, and that all I'd ever done was to try and be part of their family, that I was sick of it and didn't want anything to do with them. Of course, no one apologized to me. And they made sure to ignore my birthday (Dec 27) but his younger sister tried to send a couple of cutsey e-mails (like nothing happened) and basically we have not spoken to them since. It has been 3 weeks now. And it still hurts. I feel like writing them a letter, telling them how they made me feel. None of the things they said were true. My mom thinks they are jealous or my relationship with DH and our relationship with my parents. People tell me it won't do any good to talk to them further. Should I let this go and not talk to them again? How would you feel?? DH will eventually talk to them after he gets over being mad at them - but he doesn't expect me to.

What would you do?

 

[Sonya]

Writing a letter won't do much, sounds like they have their minds set and nothing much will change. I'm sorry, I have a close friend that is in the same boat. Not even having chidren helped, it made it worse. Just keep in mind that you and DH are the ones who need to come first, and don't let them manipulate you!

 

[Serena]

I don't know either. From what you say, it sounds like nothing you could do would be good enough. I wish I had some advice for you.

 

[luv2nascar]

I don't really have any great advise but wishing you well. I know how horrible family can be.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Thanks for the replies. I wonder what they hoped to gain from this - that DH would leave me or come home and "put his foot down" or to get his undivided attention? If anything, they pushed him further away. We don't have kids, so luckily we don't have that added stress. But if I start to feel guilty about it, I try to remind myself that they brought this all on themselves.

 

[castleview]

Are we related? Because I have been there...not so much with the entire family as it is one or two people. Anyway, I don't think writing a letter will help because everything that's wrong (not seeing their son enough, their insecurites about what you have, etc.) will just be blamed on you. God forbid they look inward.

Just go about living your life and remember that your DH supports you. That's what matters. I have a great hubby like that and everyone tells me that's wonderful because some husbands don't back their wives up when it comes to their mothers.

Things hit the fan with my ILs almost two years ago. We might not see them much, but my life is less stressful for it. I'm actually at the point where being a black sheep is a badge of honor!

 

[epcotfan]

I wouldn't put any more effort into being nice with this family. You've tried to be nice and they are making their immature feelings known. Obviously they have issues that you can't change. I would just ignore them as much as possible. Let your DH deal with them.

 

[ilovepcot]

Do nothing! Writing a letter will add fuel to the fire.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Are we related? Because I have been there...not so much with the entire family as it is one or two people. Anyway, I don't think writing a letter will help because everything that's wrong (not seeing their son enough, their insecurites about what you have, etc.) will just be blamed on you. God forbid they look inward.

Just go about living your life and remember that your DH supports you. That's what matters. I have a great hubby like that and everyone tells me that's wonderful because some husbands don't back their wives up when it comes to their mothers.

Things hit the fan with my ILs almost two years ago. We might not see them much, but my life is less stressful for it. I'm actually at the point where being a black sheep is a badge of honor!

Oh I know, its much easier to blame me! Thanks for sharing, it REALLY helps to hear from others - maybe I too can get that badge of honor! OMG I even tried to take the same neice, to DISNEY WORLD! That was a few years back but her mom didn't want her to go. But then, since I guess I took that balloon from her, I didn't love her! Yes God forbid they look inward.

 

[slo]

Many, many hugs to you!!!

 

[olena]

Thanks for the replies. I wonder what they hoped to gain from this - that DH would leave me or come home and "put his foot down" or to get his undivided attention? If anything, they pushed him further away. We don't have kids, so luckily we don't have that added stress. But if I start to feel guilty about it, I try to remind myself that they brought this all on themselves.

I think you should keep that perspective. Continue to be civil and yourself when you must encounter them. It's not worth making yourself crazy or sick with worry. You did your best and the animosity began and should end with them. Just focus on the good aspects of your family life. With your DH firmly by your side and in your corner, you should be able to weather the storms. In the end, that's all that really matters.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

OMG...what horrible ILs. And I thought MINE (well..ok..only my MIL) was that bad.

TOV

 

[Disney Cakers]

I wouldn't put any more effort into being nice with this family. You've tried to be nice and they are making their immature feelings known. Obviously they have issues that you can't change. I would just ignore them as much as possible. Let your DH deal with them.

Yes, its more trouble than its worth. Now, I don't even think DH will let me see them - its been really stressful and I've been sick from it. Since I didn't do anything wrong, he is very protective of me and his words are "they blew it"

 

[canwegosoon]

Yea..my MIL called me a "female dog". Nothing you can do, stand by your DH, and do your own things. You will never make people like that happy.

 

[dbarker]

I have similar in-laws. (Are you sure yours aren't related to mine?) Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I used to think I was alone. It doesn't matter what I do or how much I do, I'm still not part of "their" family. And, yes, sometimes I wonder if MIL would like for her son to move in w/her. I know she doesn't, but she sure makes it sound that way sometimes. Anyway, I don't think you can win, so don't try. Just let it go, and ignore them.

 

[Disney Cakers]

Do nothing! Writing a letter will add fuel to the fire.

Yea!! then my husband would get a phone call from his dad with "did you know she wrote us a letter" oh and then he could say, "why yes I have a copy right here!"

LOL

 

[Disney Cakers]

OMG...what horrible ILs. And I thought MINE (well..ok..only my MIL) was that bad.

TOV

well, my MIL is definatly a ring-leader LOL

 

[kilee]

I've walked many miles in your shoes. The best thing you can really do is to do nothing. I wouldn't condone their behavior by giving them chance after chance. HOWEVER, if they were to approach you w/ an apology I'd hear them out. Otherwise, leave it alone. I know it's hard- but my dh finally learned the hard way no matter how nice I was his mom was going to dislike me and make him miserable over it. He's learned to distance himself from her.

 

[Jakesmom504]

I have a horrible relationship with my in-laws, my DH doesn't have such a great one with them either. I would be here for hours if I went into everything that they have done to DH, me and now my DS. My MIL never wanted us to date let alone get married and she made that clear, although she would be sickeningly sweet to my face especially if anyone else was around. I never gave her anything but the utmost respect up until she started spiting (I hope I spelled that right) my DS (who is now 20 months) because she is mad at us. She wanted to control our lives from the get-go and I wouldn't allow it. She is EXTREMELY jealous that my DH is so close to my family. She hates that. He calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad" because he really feels like THEY are his parents. My MIL is a very mean person, and look out if your her target.
My DH has made attempts to try and sit down with all of us together to discuss why things are so bad, but they won't have any part of it. I have actually made it my New Years Resolution to stop talking about her so much and stop letting her take up so much of my energy. Me getting so upset over the things she does is not going to change her behavior. She is the way she is. I too thought about writing her a letter and maybe I will one day, but my MIL also has mental illnesses and no matter what I say she will not believe she is wrong. Although you can tell by her reaction that she knows she is wrong but will never admit it. Basically if I were you I would write them a letter if it will make YOU feel better, then just try to except that things may never change and sit back and see what happens. Hope for the best but expect the worst. As long as you know you did everything that you could and didn't do anything they said, you have nothing to worry about. It's their loss to not have you in their life. Be thankful your DH will stand up for you too! Good Luck!

 

[Disney Cakers]

I've walked many miles in your shoes. The best thing you can really do is to do nothing. I wouldn't condone their behavior by giving them chance after chance. HOWEVER, if they were to approach you w/ an apology I'd hear them out. Otherwise, leave it alone. I know it's hard- but my dh finally learned the hard way no matter how nice I was his mom was going to dislike me and make him miserable over it. He's learned to distance himself from her.

Yea. It stinks to find out after all these years, they've just been nit-picking and hoarding bad thoughts about me. I wouldn't trust them for anything now. If they did apologize, I'd see them, but I wouldn't speak much. Then they could just say I was a snob. HA! Yes they do make DH miserable and he is beginning to realize we're better off without that drama.