My In-Laws are holiday hogs!

[Kay7979]

Do you have relatives who think every holiday must be at their house and are jealous of any other relatives who want a bit of your time? I am a little frustrated today.

We always "have Christmas" with the ILs and DHs kids who live with their mom, on New Years Day, rather than Christmas. Since that is the tradition, it SHOULD leave us free to see my mother on Christmas. She is in a nursing home and has no one but me and DH. We decided to spend most of this Christmas with her. I invited the IL's for dinner so they wouldn't need to spend the entire day alone and thought that was a good compromise.

When they got here they wanted to know if we spent all day with my mother. I said no, but we were there all afternoon. I know they were thinking we should have stopped to see her for an hour in the morning then left and spent the day with them, like last year (and I felt guilty for seeing so little of my mother). They actually asked if DH went with me to visit my mother. Well, DUH, of course he went with me. Why wouldn't he? Then they wanted to know what we found to talk to her about for that long! It's not like my mother is senile and out of it. She's perfectly able to carry on a conversation. How mean and selfish is it to begrudge us from spending a holiday with my mother? I just don't get how people can try to hog up every holiday and think the world revolves around them. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[luvwinnie]

Wow...that would really anger me. How can people be SO selfish?

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

The same sort of thing actually happened to me on Christmas Eve. I invited my boyfriend's parents to our house for Christmas Eve so they could see where he moved into and we could spend the day together. Then we left for my mom's house and did a midnight service. My mom was alone this Christmas, all the rest of my family is in New York City!

Well we were also supposed to see my daughter that I gave up for adoption on Christmas but the parents canceled at the last minute. I mentioned it during Christmas Eve and suddenly got the 3rd degree about what we were doing on Christmas and why exactly we were still going out there if I wasn't going to see Lexi!

Um... I'm not leaving my mother alone on Christmas... I was seething. I had to excuse myself while my boyfriend yelled at his mother. It definitely ruined what was turning out to be a surprisingly ok dinner.

 

[wilderness01]

I would be upset too.

On another note, is your mom disabled where she couldn't leave the nursing home to come spend time at your house? I know some older people don't want to leave their surroundings or get very confused when they do, I'm just wondering?

It sounds like a jealousy thing with your inlaws. I'm sure they would be appreciative if you spent time with them in the nursing home. How does your husband feel?

 

[Kay7979]

I would be upset too.

On another note, is your mom disabled where she couldn't leave the nursing home to come spend time at your house? I know some older people don't want to leave their surroundings or get very confused when they do, I'm just wondering?

It sounds like a jealousy thing with your inlaws. I'm sure they would be appreciative if you spent time with them in the nursing home. How does your husband feel?

Yes, my mother is pretty much bed-ridden. She can sit for two or three hours in a wheel chair to have lunch or go to a special program, but then her legs and back bother her a lot and she needs to get back into bed. I could never get her into my car. Even if I could, she wouldn't be comfortable sitting up for hours at our house. I do think the in-laws are jealous of any "prime time" we spend with her, but it's so hard to understand anyone being that insensitive or selfish. My husband was completely supportive of spending the day with my mom. In fact, it was my idea to invite his parents for dinner. Both he and I would have preferred to come back from the nursing home and spend a quiet evening alone, just the two of us, with the Christmas tree and a fire in the fireplace. If I was smart, rather than nice, I wouldn't have invited them!

 

[SleepyMom]

My late MIL was like that... every holiday for the first 10 years was spent with her, it was very much expected and my family was always great about getting together at a different time, so it worked out OK.

Finally after those 10 years I just really longed to have an actual holiday with my family, so we went for Thanksgiving that year. MIL was not a happy camper, we didn't hear the end of it for a year. The next Thanksgiving she called DH and I heard her ask him "if we are coming to see MIL for Thanksgiving since we had went to HER family last year". After 10 years I was still HER.

Now that she is gone, DH's sister has taken over that role and is giving us the guilt stuff if we don't make it to every holiday there.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, you have every right to visit your Mom and spend as much time as you want. Doesn't matter if you see her every day, Christmas is a special time and everyone in a nursing home should have family visit them that day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am proud of you for not caving to the whims of selfish people. It is a true sign that you have arrived.

As far as the IL's...I find that pity for people that have to carry a burden like that works for me. Truly it must be torture to live in that manner of selfishness.
I would count my blessings that I don't feel like that.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

It's my own mom who is like that. She is soooo jealous of any time that we spend with anyone else. My DH's family all lives out of state, so it shouldn't have been an issue this year, but somehow I found myself rushing through our own Christmas morning at home to get to her house, when we spent all of Christmas Eve there, also. It's incredible the guilt mothers can lay on you!

 

[minkydog]

This is so sad to me. I come from a family of 5 sibs and we live all over the U.S. Getting together for any reason takes an act of Congress because our schedules and life-styles are so different.Sometimes we go 2-3 years without seeing one another, although we talk regularly.Thanksgiving seems to be a good time for us as we are all are out of school then. We were able to get most of us together at Thanksgiving this year for a camping trip. Two had to cancel at the last minute due to illness. Not a big deal. I would never think of making them feel guilty for missing it. We'll just have another get-together with them later(they're coming to my house in a couple days, in fact).

Next family reunion: Thanksgiving 2008, Gulf Shores, AL

 

[MareQ]

DH and I are VERY strict about alternating holidays. This past year was Easter DH's side- Mother's Day my side, Father's Day his side, Thanksgiving my side - Chrstmas Eve my side- Christmas Day DH's side. Next year we switch.

My MIL thinks we should spend Christmas with her every year - since my mom is dead and my father lives a few hours away..... I still have grandparents, aunts, cousins and of course my siblings, nieces and nephews etc @@

My MIL also thinks that we should spend every Mother's Day as well with her - again being that my mother is dead she feels she should get us every year. Nevermind the fact that I am a mother and the day is also about ME - and my sister's are mothers, my aunts are mothers, my grandmother certainly celebrates the day as well.

EVERY year there's a comment. In general she feels that f I am not celebrating WITH my father then I have no business NOT being with her and FIL. T!F!B! We alternate - we have been alternating for 14 years - we will continute to alternate because it is what works for DH AND I!
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

 

[pearlieq]

Ugh. What a horrible attitude.

We have an aunt who has a stranglehold on the holidays. She wants every single holiday celebrated at her house only. The family's gone along with it for a while, mostly because they're pretty centrally located and she does most of the work. I'm getting sick of it, though, mostly on principle but also coupled with the fact she's an awful cook! This year's Thanksgiving was underdone turkey and mashed potatoes with no butter, milk, or salt! Ick!

I think we might bow out for the next couple of holidays. If I really want to see my extended family I can make other arrangements. I want the holidays to be "ours" at least once.

We don't usually see DH's family for the holidays. They live about 500 miles away. Plus there's lots of family out there, but I'm the only immediate family my mom usually has. DH has gone home alone a few times, but I told him early on that I just couldn't leave my mom alone on Christmas.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I know how you feel! DFi and I aren't even married or have kids yet and his Mom already thinks we should spend all of our holiday time at their house. It drives me crazy because I want to spend time with my family too! And she's so good at guilt tripping DFi.

 

[Kay7979]

Maybe the root of holiday hogging is that when you are in your late teens and early 20s, parents develop the idea that they are "home:" the place their adult kids return to. The problem is their adult kids grow up. They have kids of their own. Roles within families change as the decades go by. We adult children become the new central family nucleus, and our parents in their 60s -80s, should take secondary roles as grandparents. Family celebrations stop revolving around them and their house. Kids don't want to spend holidays at their grandparents all the time. Only one of DHs kids would go with us to my ILs for Thanksgiving this year, but they are all happily coming to our house for Christmas on New Years. Families evolve, traditions have to evolve, too. I think my ILs have to accept that its the end of an era where everyone in the family gravitates toward them.