My Heart is Broken...long

[mjkacmom]

If its such a big wedding, they know exactly who has RSVP'd. Usually when its someone close to you, the bride (or someone for the bride) will call and ask if they hadn't received an RSVP.. They need headcounts.

Im sorry you are heartbroken OP.. It must be sad, but Im with a PP, forget the gift!

I agree. If you are spending $100 - $300 per person, someone is making those calls now.

 

[robinb]

So it's okay to do something rude and make someone uncomfortable if it turns out she doesn't like you as much as you thought she did? Not sure I understand that logic.

I don't think it's rude to ask *if* they are as close as the OP says they are. If it turns out that they are NOT as close as the OP thinks they are, then the possible rudeness for asking is outweighed by the girl's rudeness in talking up the wedding and then not inviting the OP. If that is the case, the relationship is pretty well shot and how the bride-2-be feels about the OP asking is really immaterial.

 

[tlbwriter]

I don't think it's rude to ask *if* they are as close as the OP says they are.

Technically, according to standard etiquette, it's rude under any circumstances. I realize not everyone follows standard etiquette, but I can't imagine feeling it's okay to be rude "because we're so close."

 

[robinb]

Technically, according to standard etiquette, it's rude under any circumstances. I realize not everyone follows standard etiquette, but I can't imagine feeling it's okay to be rude "because we're so close."

You should be the DIS's very own Emily Post!

 

[Grandmouse]

You don't have to be invited to attend the ceremony (assuming it is in a church). If you live close enough, I would absolutely attend. That's the most important part anyway. Many people attend the church ceremony and not the reception. And many people who do receive invitations, can't be bothered going to the church, they only care about the "party."

 

[maroo]

Is it possible that the invitation got lost in the mail? Can you ask her parents in a non-pushy way if you still talk to them? Maybe she just assumes that you're still coming and didn't realize that you haven't RSVP'd.

This happened to me!

A similar situation and I didn't go to the wedding. I was not really upset that I was not invited...they are old friends with lots of new friends...so I never really asked anyone. I knew it was a small wedding.

But they were really upset that I didn't come!! And I never got the invitation.

ASK them...or someone else that may know and you may find that they not only invited you, but may be hurt if you don't come.

 

[tlbwriter]

You should be the DIS's very own Emily Post!

Well, I *am* the Queen of Telling People What to Do, so it seems appropriate...

 

[DipsyDoodles]

I don't think you have anything to lose by calling up the bride and telling her that you never received an invitation.

If the bride did indeed snub you and you were not important enough to do be invited to the wedding then the relationship really wasn't what you thought it was. In that case, who cares if it makes the bride 'uncomfortable' to tell you to your face?

If you were invited and it was somehow lost in the mail, then at least you know that there was a mistake and not a snub. Perhaps you could even make it to the wedding itself.

I think this would be inappropriate and may make you feel worse in the end. I think you will get the answers you need in time. If you feel so inclined to send a card & gift she will have to respond with a thank you note and you may get some answers there.

 

[disneyquestions]

THIS! ...If she was discussing plans with you I find it hard to believe she wuldnt invite you. Just come out and ask her....serioulsy why regret to find out later that the invite got lost or as u say that mom didnt invite you and she didnt know. Id rather be non etiquette here and ask.

Don't be so quick to think that. Same thing happened to me once, not with a wedding, but with a big 40th birthday party. Someone I was friends (at the time) with was throwing her husband a 40th suprise party. She told me all about her plans, I offered my help, gave her 100s of suggestions, of which she used, etc. She had just had a new born, and had 2 other kids, so she needed the help, and I was glad to offer. I was actually excited about the party.... Then one day we were talking on the phone, and she tells me that she had started to get some RSVPs in the mail... and I had never gotten an invitation. Some people are either to busy to notice others, or just don't care about anyone other than themselves. Sorry your so upset, really stinks!

ETA - I would give a gift, show that your a better person than they are. Obviously, its true.

 

[bumbershoot]

No, actually, there is something to say. Don't rely on f-ing Facebook.

These people are busy planning a wedding with a lot of guests and you think they're taking enough time to try and figure out why you might be FB-ing them and coming up with a proper response. You know the parents, CALL THEM!!! Say you understand that you couldn't be invited to the reception, but you were wondering if it might be possible to attend the ceremony because it's really important to you to see this girl get married. One of two things will happen: A) they will say yes and give you a better explanation for why you couldn't be invited, or B) they will say, "Wait...what?" and you will find out it's all a big misunderstanding.

Regardless, either option is better than being bitter over something that should be beautiful.

So...the very first book I bought when I got engaged was the 5th edition of Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette.

And I completely agree with the above post.

The OP is relying on what she *thinks* is happening and *thinking* that they have the time to muddle through a vague FB post. The OP might be breaking her OWN heart.

On emily post's website and in the book I have, I can't find a thing about someone who might or might not be a guest. But I've read COUNTLESS times that one of the whole points of having a mom/aunt involved with the wedding is that you call THEM when you have questions! The etiquette is against calling the bride herself, but I can't find anything about not calling the mom/aunt/dad/whatever.


If this girl is so clueless that she would talk about gowns and the wedding etc with a non-invited person, she's not going to mind if you call her mom or even her.

I once was a b'maid for my oldest friend. She sent the invite to just me. But I had a fiance that I was living with and who would be traveling with me! Which she knew. I asked the other b'maids, and they were all totally single and were invited solo. I finally asked the bride, and she was so annoyed with me for asking our other friends, said I should have called first, said that Robert coming was a given, and I should have known that.

If I'd left him in the hotel room, she would have been so hurt and annoyed that I, one of her oldest friends, would have thought her to be so heartless....

Even if she'd said there was no room for him it still would have been better than not knowing.

Because it would be a huge breach of etiquette to ask. It is her day and I wouldn't dream of making her uncomfortable by asking.

Then don't ask her. Ask her mom or dad. Or just continue on, being heart-broken...but if you WERE invited, then you're hurting the bride as well. Your call!

If someone else is taking care of the RSVP returns she may have no idea you weren't even invited.

Good point! Wasn't so for my wedding, but my mom was dead and my stepmom in another state and my MIL hated me...it was all me and my husband getting the rsvps. But for a big wedding with living mothers, it'll be a different situation.

Technically, according to standard etiquette, it's rude under any circumstances. I realize not everyone follows standard etiquette, but I can't imagine feeling it's okay to be rude "because we're so close."

One of the points of having people around the bride know what is going on is so that they can answer questions. The bride is likely getting all sorts of crazy questions...how do I get there being one of the biggies that I got (despite the fact that I included address and instructions in my invites!)...a person that she talked about the wedding with asking if she was invited might very well be the most sane question she's asked...

 

[Mimi1965]

Technically, according to standard etiquette, it's rude under any circumstances. I realize not everyone follows standard etiquette, but I can't imagine feeling it's okay to be rude "because we're so close."

I agree,the OP feels closer to the family than they actually feel to her

She has not interacted with the Mother since the bride was 12-when she left their employ-I'm guessing bride is 21-22. So we are talking about someone the bride's mother hasnt thought about in over 10 years

WE recently had something happen in out family-when a family employee overstepped boundaries-and it was unsettling to my sister and I. But we do realize this person feels very close to the family-that she feels part of it. But she isn't. Does that make sense?

 

[horseshowmom]

Technically, according to standard etiquette, it's rude under any circumstances. I realize not everyone follows standard etiquette, but I can't imagine feeling it's okay to be rude "because we're so close."

I agree. I wouldn't ask. Also, having had a daughter get married last year, people do keep up closely with who does and does not RSVP. Those who don't, get follow up phone calls. You pretty much have to do this due to space and catering issues. I realize that isn't the case for all weddings, but it is for the type of wedding detailed by the OP.

OP, I'm sorry for your situation.

 

[DisTeach1]

Maybe this has been asked...I've only read the first two pages, I think. Did you get invited to a wedding shower? If not, did you wonder about that?

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Or they would frown on inviting the nanny...

This. The parents (mother) probably had a good say on who would be invited and in their eyes, they may not have ever thought of inviting "the help".

I was put in the uncomfortable position of having people ask me why they weren't invited to my wedding and it was so awkward. How does one answer that question? The answer always is that you just did not make the cut, no matter how big or small the wedding is. I am sorry you feel so hurt.

 

[terri01p]

 

[handinpocket]

Because it would be a huge breach of etiquette to ask. It is her day and I wouldn't dream of making her uncomfortable by asking.



I have a sneaky suspicion her mom might be behind the non invite. There was always a tinge of jealousy about how close the kids were to me. She did not work and yet I was still there everyday and I think that she may be trying to minimize my contribution to their upbringing. Groom's parents are old school European and I wonder if they would frown on a woman who didn't work having a full time nanny.

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here. Your "sneaky suspicion" shows a feeling of animosity towards the mother. I'm sure the family picked up on that and for that reason alone, it would be proper for them NOT to include you.

Sorry, jmo.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'm very sorry. You may still attend the ceremony if it's held in a church or other public venue. You will get to see her walk down the aisle in her dress and exchange vows. It's perfectly acceptable to do so and it sounds like it's very important to you. Don't worry about missing the reception, go and see her get married. I would also send a gift, but something personal and useful, nothing expensive. I'm sure that despite not being invited to the wedding (which may have more to do with her mom than her), you were still very important to her during her childhood and she has very fond memories from all those years.

 

[DisneyBride'03]

This happened to me!

A similar situation and I didn't go to the wedding. I was not really upset that I was not invited...they are old friends with lots of new friends...so I never really asked anyone. I knew it was a small wedding.

But they were really upset that I didn't come!! And I never got the invitation.

ASK them...or someone else that may know and you may find that they not only invited you, but may be hurt if you don't come.

Hi How are you..(not hijacking..sorry...)

The wedding is in a church but out of town so not feasible to go to without being invited to the whole deal. The wedding is basically out of town for everyone. They live out east, family all over the world, friends all over the country so they chose a central-ish location.

Thanks for all the kind words, it helps to get it out.

Just read this thread...I dont really have a strong opinion either way....I just feel for you. I do like a PP comment abt in your communications..via email or FB...to ask to see a photo of her in her wedding dress...a very tactful way of opening the door to the subject at hand of not being invited.
I know this has been an opportunity to express your feelings....however, will this be something that gets filed away and will always be there tugging at your heart/mind...hopefully you can receive some closure

 

[mrsv98]

OP here...A bunch of you asked about a shower. No, I wasn't invited to one, but based on her registry, I am not sure she had one. They registered at two different places, and stuff has been purchased in dribs and drabs. I have been kind of watching trying to find something to "finish". Her mom "finished" my flatware when I got married so I thought it would be kind of sweet to do something similar. Hey, I could be totally wrong and she had one and I would never know.

As for the mom, I never had a problem with her, in fact I always thought we had a good relationship. I know there were things that bothered her, like the kids coming to me for comfort at times, that is what I meant by jealousy.

In the end, the reason doesn't matter I guess. I am a grownup and will deal with it.

I can't bring myself to call, I will send a card and a gift and wish them happiness.

Thanks for the support.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Or they would frown on inviting the nanny...

I hate to say it but this is what I thought too. I know you are close to the gurls and love them but at the end of the day to the parents you are the hired help. I know it sounds terrible but that is how many people are. I am sorry you are hurting.