My Heart is Broken...long

[mrsv98]

Background:
I was a nanny for one family for a long time, 12 years. I started when the oldest was 10 months old and finally left when she graduated 8th grade. I was there everyday, many weekends, traveled with them, you get the picture. I was very involved and engaged with both kids and love them very much.

After I stopped taking care of them daily, I still kept in touch. Emailed all through college, they were both in my wedding, girl house sat for us, got together when possible, etc. This relationship went both ways, I got long detailed emails from both kids, gossip about kids they grew up with, moans about classes, talk about boyfriends and the like. I would say our relationship was about the level of a fond aunt.

A few years ago, she met "The ONE" and they have been blissfully happy ever since. He proposed last year and the planning began. We talked about her bridesmaids, she sent me pics of her wedding dress and details about venue, wedding planner and so on.

The wedding is this Sat. About 6 weeks or so ago, I realized I hadn't received an invitation. This is a fairly large wedding with guests coming to the area of the wedding from across the country and overseas so I knew the invitations would have to go out pretty early. So I waited and waited and...you get the idea, and no invitation ever came.

To say that my heart is broken and I am sad is an understatement. All the excuses one could give do not apply. Venue is large, family very wealthy so space and money not an issue. The truth is she simply didn't invite me. Just to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding about the invitation, about four weeks ago, I sent a FB message, just saying I am so excited for her and thinking about her and her DF, nothing about being invited of course. I thought that if she had invited me she would say something like "see you there" but nope.

So Sat she will get married and I won't get to see her walk down the aisle as I always envisioned. I will send a wedding gift and a nice heartfelt card but I will always have a pang thinking about it.

Thanks for reading (if you still are!) it helps to get it off my chest.

 

[MushyMushy]

There's really nothing to say except

 

[jackemail]

Wow, I totally understand how much that hurts.

 

[happywanderer2]

well, to be charitable maybe with all the excitement of the wedding she thought she had invited you but that you couldn't/wouldn't come. Instead of just wishing her a happy wedding on facebook you should of come right out and asked why you weren't invited. It's not like you could have been any more hurt with her response. What is with all this pussyfooting around?

 

[Dr.Girlfriend]

Is it possible that the invitation got lost in the mail? Can you ask her parents in a non-pushy way if you still talk to them? Maybe she just assumes that you're still coming and didn't realize that you haven't RSVP'd.

 

[goofy!]

Background:
I was a nanny for one family for a long time, 12 years. I started when the oldest was 10 months old and finally left when she graduated 8th grade. I was there everyday, many weekends, traveled with them, you get the picture. I was very involved and engaged with both kids and love them very much.

After I stopped taking care of them daily, I still kept in touch. Emailed all through college, they were both in my wedding, girl house sat for us, got together when possible, etc. This relationship went both ways, I got long detailed emails from both kids, gossip about kids they grew up with, moans about classes, talk about boyfriends and the like. I would say our relationship was about the level of a fond aunt.

A few years ago, she met "The ONE" and they have been blissfully happy ever since. He proposed last year and the planning began. We talked about her bridesmaids, she sent me pics of her wedding dress and details about venue, wedding planner and so on.

The wedding is this Sat. About 6 weeks or so ago, I realized I hadn't received an invitation. This is a fairly large wedding with guests coming to the area of the wedding from across the country and overseas so I knew the invitations would have to go out pretty early. So I waited and waited and...you get the idea, and no invitation ever came.

To say that my heart is broken and I am sad is an understatement. All the excuses one could give do not apply. Venue is large, family very wealthy so space and money not an issue. The truth is she simply didn't invite me. Just to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding about the invitation, about four weeks ago, I sent a FB message, just saying I am so excited for her and thinking about her and her DF, nothing about being invited of course. I thought that if she had invited me she would say something like "see you there" but nope.

So Sat she will get married and I won't get to see her walk down the aisle as I always envisioned. I will send a wedding gift and a nice heartfelt card but I will always have a pang thinking about it.

Thanks for reading (if you still are!) it helps to get it off my chest.

As a bride, in all the craziness of a wedding, I may not have picked up on the subtlety of a facebook post, realizing it was a gentle question about an invitation. Especially from a person I would think of as a beloved mother/auntie/friend -a person who has "my" best interests at heart. I may not have thought about saying "see you there" in my response, just a "thanks>.

For all you know, her heart is broken that you have not responded to her invite. Is there somebody close to her that you could ask? I know it is incredibly impolite to ask about an invite, but there has to be a way to get a straight answer. This sounds like a lost invitation with both parties being very polite so as not to hurt a special person in their lives by asking what the heck happened.

If not, I am so sorry for your heartbreak!! It stinks!

 

[MushyMushy]

Is it possible that the invitation got lost in the mail? Can you ask her parents in a non-pushy way if you still talk to them? Maybe she just assumes that you're still coming and didn't realize that you haven't RSVP'd.

I agree with this. Or just ask the other sibling you're in touch with.

I know that's such an awkward thing though.

 

[mrsv98]

well, to be charitable maybe with all the excitement of the wedding she thought she had invited you but that you couldn't/wouldn't come. Instead of just wishing her a happy wedding on facebook you should of come right out and asked why you weren't invited. It's not like you could have been any more hurt with her response. What is with all this pussyfooting around?

Because it would be a huge breach of etiquette to ask. It is her day and I wouldn't dream of making her uncomfortable by asking.

Is it possible that the invitation got lost in the mail? Can you ask her parents in a non-pushy way if you still talk to them? Maybe she just assumes that you're still coming and didn't realize that you haven't RSVP'd.

I have a sneaky suspicion her mom might be behind the non invite. There was always a tinge of jealousy about how close the kids were to me. She did not work and yet I was still there everyday and I think that she may be trying to minimize my contribution to their upbringing. Groom's parents are old school European and I wonder if they would frown on a woman who didn't work having a full time nanny.

 

[joviroxx]

Is it possible that the invitation got lost in the mail? Can you ask her parents in a non-pushy way if you still talk to them? Maybe she just assumes that you're still coming and didn't realize that you haven't RSVP'd.

If its such a big wedding, they know exactly who has RSVP'd. Usually when its someone close to you, the bride (or someone for the bride) will call and ask if they hadn't received an RSVP.. They need headcounts.

Im sorry you are heartbroken OP.. It must be sad, but Im with a PP, forget the gift!

 

[dodukes]

As a bride, in all the craziness of a wedding, I may not have picked up on the subtlety of a facebook post, realizing it was a gentle question about an invitation. Especially from a person I would think of as a beloved mother/auntie/friend -a person who has "my" best interests at heart. I may not have thought about saying "see you there" in my response, just a "thanks>.

For all you know, her heart is broken that you have not responded to her invite. Is there somebody close to her that you could ask? I know it is incredibly impolite to ask about an invite, but there has to be a way to get a straight answer. This sounds like a lost invitation with both parties being very polite so as not to hurt a special person in their lives by asking what the heck happened.

If not, I am so sorry for your heartbreak!! It stinks!

THIS! ...If she was discussing plans with you I find it hard to believe she wuldnt invite you. Just come out and ask her....serioulsy why regret to find out later that the invite got lost or as u say that mom didnt invite you and she didnt know. Id rather be non etiquette here and ask.

 

[HM]

This situation just seems so strange. If the bride had been so forthcoming about her planning with you over the course of the engagement, it seems like she would have added you to the invited guests. Personally, I'd risk the faux pas and call and ask her about it. I'd hate that you'd miss her day if she really did want you to be there. And if she didn't, you'll have a reason (whether it's the truth or not). So sorry for your pain.

 

[tlbwriter]

Groom's parents are old school European and I wonder if they would frown on a woman who didn't work having a full time nanny.

Or they would frown on inviting the nanny...

 

[Halloweenqueen]

I was a nanny years ago. One of the problems of being a nanny is becoming too close to your charges. It is a difficult thing to do, but many nannies view their position as a member of the family, but you must remember you are an employee.

Many people grow close to bosses and co-workers and feel hurt when they are not invited to weddings, etc.

I was surprised/hurt when I didn't receive an invitation to a graduation recently. Then I had to remember that he probably doesn't remember our relationship as I do. I know I was an important person in his life and can feel proud of his success.

I've connected with all my charges via Facebook. It has been interesting to see how much they have grown, but sometimes I think I'm privy to too much information.

 

[phorsenuf]

Is the wedding in a church? If so anyone can go. I know it's not the same but at least you can see her walk down the aisle and such. It would probably stink to not be able to go to the reception after but at least it's something.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am not very good with confrontation and I don't think I am the type to come out and ask why I was invited I would probabley do what you are doing send a gift with a card saying wish I could of been with you on your wonderful day.

I know I suck

 

[kirstenb1]

I'm really sorry. My sister worked for a few years as a teenage "helper" to a nanny (there were 4 kids, so the mom hired my sister just to help out). 25 yrs later, she still talks to the kids, so I understand how strongly you feel.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with Zepherhawk, I would reach out to the Bride and tell her that you would love to witness her marrying "The One". I would not mention the reception at all, this is probably not about money or space, but I would ask I could go to the Church.

My nephew marrried a girl whose Mother was odd about their wedding. SHe invited up tot he 4th cousins on her side and limited the number of people my brother and his family could invite. Money had nothing to do with this, my brother was told how much he was contributing to his son's wedding and he was not able to adjust the guest list........not even for more money. The mother wanted the tables to be set a certain way and to fit in between the pillars in the room where the reception was held. SHe wanted it to look "just rigth" when you stood on teh balcony above and looked down. I guess it was a good enough reason to hurt people's feelings

 

[mrsv98]

Is the wedding in a church? If so anyone can go. I know it's not the same but at least you can see her walk down the aisle and such. It would probably stink to not be able to go to the reception after but at least it's something.

The wedding is in a church but out of town so not feasible to go to without being invited to the whole deal. The wedding is basically out of town for everyone. They live out east, family all over the world, friends all over the country so they chose a central-ish location.

Thanks for all the kind words, it helps to get it out.

 

[cm8]

THIS! ...If she was discussing plans with you I find it hard to believe she wouldn't invite you. Just come out and ask her....seriously why regret to find out later that the invite got lost or as u say that mom didn't invite you and she didn't know. Id rather be non etiquette here and ask.

 

[NotUrsula]

There is really no delicate way to put this, but you mentioned that the family is moneyed, so I apologize for being blunt, but could there be a class issue at work? Is it possible that you are not being invited because the bride's parents are assuming that you might be uncomfortable socializing with the rest of the guests?