My friend has Cancer and I'm feeling xxxx ( idk)

[Forevermarypoppins]

4 weeks ago I took a friend to the ER because she needed to go to find out if she had a more serious injury after falling than she thought. I wanted her to go the day before but she decided not. After some scans it was determined she had other problems. Long story short, she has been diagnosed with colon cancer. My emotions are surprising to me, I feel strangely calm, if that is even the correct description. As things have moved along, I find I'm not sad, I haven't cried and I just feel like we need to keep moving forward. My biggest problem now is this: I really do not know how to respond to each bit of information I'm being told. I'm at a loss for words. I want to be the best friend I can be and not say anything stupid or wrong but keeping quiet isn't the right choice either.
What should I do? What can I do? Currently, I've taken her to a Dr appt ( she has multiple friends to help also) I've visited her at home and I will continue to do both.

 

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

Just listen and be present in her life. You dont always have to do things. Sometimes just sitting in silence will mean so much to her. Always have a book, magazine or headphones / earbuds with you, something you can do if she wants to nap or does not want to talk.

If she tells you something you dont understand, then say it, can you explain, Im not sure what that means.

Continue with how you would be before this diagnosis. As in, if your thing was to go to Starbucks every Friday afternoon, then continue with that. Let her decide if she wants to continue with previous activities, dont just assume she is not able to.

With a cancer diagnosis, the loss of control is immense. So the person cherishes things they do have control over.

 

[Disnsyncey]

If you want to DO something, taking something off of her plate that is tedious or particularly difficult with her (treatment) schedule or anything would be helpful.....I just set up a meal train website for a friend who just started treatment, but really anything that might make her life easier with all the new stuff she is dealing with

 

[Suger Mag]

well I would say you are not fully grieving because she is still alive.

Yes she is facing a tough health challenge, and you (and her) are still likely processing what that means and as you go through the journey that will be something that will continue as cancer treatments and recovery can be a lot of up and downs.

I would suggest like others ... to be there. be a listener. She is also still figuring out what this means.

Practical stuff. Ask how you can help by suggesting specific tasks like running errands, picking up groceries, or taking them to appointments. Or offer to help with things like cleaning, cooking, etc

Her tastes may change a lot, so do a little research, sometimes finding out small things can help, like plastic utensils, sometimes chemo makes people sensitive to metal silverware.

Be flexible as her needs may change.

And show her you care and she is not alone.... Cancer can be isolating, so offer to visit, write a note and drop it in the mail. Send a heart text.

Good luck and best wishes for a successful cancer battle.

 

[Christine]

I think you're doing the right thing. I have had cancer myself and it's awful, but having supportive friends around just to be there is wonderful. My best friend was also diagnosed with breast cancer late last year. Same as you, I didn't cry, or grieve, or anything like that. To me it's like "ok, here's a battle and we are going to get through this together." I've been there when she's needed me to bounce things off, I took her out when she couldn't drive, I took her to the ER after one of her surgeries when needed, and I did internet googling for her when she was too tired to do it herself.

Just be there!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Wonderful suggestions and thoughts above.

My prayers are with your friend, FMP, along with you also. You certainly seem to be doing one of the first things that a friend might do, asking questions, asking suggestions. A real friend does things like that. You will blend into your role as a good friend over the coming weeks and months. You'll see. Keep doing what you are doing, You will be fine. A for you, a for your friend.

 

[citruscurtis]

Exhaustion....and exhaustion gets worse once they pouring chemicals into your body

 

[clh2]

My husband was treated for colorectal cancer last year (stage 1). He needed chemo and radiation over a 30 day period. Surgery was a last choice option due to anatomical concerns.

I would NOT set up a meal train, unless this was for other people in the household. The limitations on what my husband was able to eat in this time period was just hard to deal with, because as the treatments progressed, if food bothered him, we simply stopped having it. Not going to lie, the blander, the better, definitely no peas, no caffeine, and no chocolate, nothing spicy. He needed easy to digest foods.

As far as helping your friend…one thing that might help is cleaning her house periodically during her treatment.

Good luck!

 

[Christine]

My husband was treated for colorectal cancer last year (stage 1). He needed chemo and radiation over a 30 day period. Surgery was a last choice option due to anatomical concerns.

I would NOT set up a meal train, unless this was for other people in the household. The limitations on what my husband was able to eat in this time period was just hard to deal with, because as the treatments progressed, if food bothered him, we simply stopped having it. Not going to lie, the blander, the better, definitely no peas, no caffeine, and no chocolate, nothing spicy. He needed easy to digest foods.

As far as helping your friend…one thing that might help is cleaning her house periodically during her treatment.

Good luck!

I second the meal train comment. When my best friend had cancer, our boss insisted on doing a meal train. Now of course no one in my office was doing home cooking so they collected all sorts of money, Uber Eats, gift cards to restaurants so she could carry out.

My friend never eats out hardly ever. She excepted the meals graciously but felt incredibly guilty. She absolutely didn't need it (her husband was the cook and continued to do so with no issues) and all the type of food just generally made her feel bloated and bad.

I think these things are good when an adult gets ill and there are young children involved or others that rely on the sick parent to provide meals--and yes, people who are ill for whatever reason or going through chemo have very, very sensitive taste buds and the ability to eat.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

You are a wonderful friend! Prayers for both of you. Attached is a bookmark I really like and have been blessed to send to various friends. I don't have any at the moment. I would be happy to send a couple your way if you would like later this summer. PM me. God Bless you. Hug.

 

[fla4fun]

I am sorry your friend is dealing with this and you are being a good friend. Try to be as normal as possible. If the two of you like to watch funny shows or movies, or reading and discussing books, or sending each other funny internet memes, continue to do as much of that as she is able to. Don’t hold back out of fear that you will say or do something “wrong”. Just be there, be aware of how she is feeling. If you see something that needs doing, offer to take care of it (don’t just jump in, in case someone else is already doing that task for her). People with cancer often feel left out, or invisible, or that all they are is the cancer they are dealing with. Let her know you are there for her and that she is more than the cancer. She is still your friend and she is not alone.

Sending best wishes to all of you.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Thank you all so much. I stopped over again today to visit my friend. I can tell she is still in the shock of all this. I do listen and try not to interrupt her at all. I asked a few questions too, keeping them simple. Tomorrow she visits the Oncologist. Her surgeon recommended Chemo before anything else. We live in an area where HC options are abundant, thankfully.

 

[LoveDaisy]

I am so sorry your friend is going through this. It is a lot for both of you to process. As a cancer survivor my best friend was just there for me, on the good days and the bad. She showed up at appointments, helped me to organize the insane amount of medication I had to take, but the biggest thing she did for me was tell people for me. We put a list together and she made the calls. Emotionally I was not ready to do it. It takes a lot out of you emotionally to make thise calls.

The best things my friends did was chip in for a housekeeper. Having a clean house helped to keep me to stay healthy. In addition cancer can be isolating. You don’t have the energy to clean then you are embarrassed to have people over because your home is dirty and it just becomes isolating.

I had zero interest in food so unless she has a family to feed, the food may just go uneaten.

My thoughts will be with your friend.

 

[Praise2Him]

I have the opposite opinion about meals. My husband had esophageal cancer and after surgery had a feeding tube for several weeks. Since he couldn’t eat no one brought food, but I still had to eat and would have appreciated a meal or two that I didn’t have to cook, as I was busy taking care of him.

 

[Christine]

I have the opposite opinion about meals. My husband had esophageal cancer and after surgery had a feeding tube for several weeks. Since he couldn’t eat no one brought food, but I still had to eat and would have appreciated a meal or two that I didn’t have to cook, as I was busy taking care of him.

I think the point here is that when trying to help a person in a bad situation, don't assume what you are offering is always helpful. The intention is good but if you burden some person with forced meals, or 25 casseroles, etc, they end up feeling guilty and overwhelmed. That said, like you, when I was going through my cancer recovery way back when, I had two small children and a spouse who basically opens cans to eat. I would have loved the meals. Key is to ask someone what they want and then listen and abide by what they identify.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’m currently going through my second bout of cancer. I just finished chemo. This time around I had a LOT of GI issues from it and could only eat a BRAT diet as everything went right through me. There were times that food just didn’t interest me, either, and I had to force myself to eat in very small amounts. People brought things over or sent them and I had to freeze some of them. I was also given a lot of gift cards to restaurants and those were handy for all of us. I agree a house cleaner would be great, as there’s not much energy to do cleaning. I could do a little and then I’d be pooped afterwards.

I’m fortunate I have a close family as well as a lot of friends, neighbors and coworkers. They’ve all been great. I did have a few tell me, though, that hearing my story brought up some anxiety for them, and I can understand that. I told them not to worry, I empathize with that and we can limit some of the more difficult information or details. But I also think sometimes people check out a bit as it’s too hard for them to deal with someone going through cancer treatment. I’m ok with that, too. I don’t get the sense, OP, that you’re one of those people, so just be yourself, and be there for your friend. You don’t have to necessarily say anything, other than encouragement. People close to me know that prayer is important to me so that’s been a theme. They pray for me or send me prayer related things which I appreciate. Some have accompanied me to healing masses. Find out what’s important to your friend and you can concentrate on that.

Thanks for being there for her.

 

[ronandannette]

I think the point here is that when trying to help a person in a bad situation, don't assume what you are offering is always helpful. The intention is good but if you burden some person with forced meals, or 25 casseroles, etc, they end up feeling guilty and overwhelmed. That said, like you, when I was going through my cancer recovery way back when, I had two small children and a spouse who basically opens cans to eat. I would have loved the meals. Key is to ask someone what they want and then listen and abide by what they identify.

My dear friend has just been diagnosed, not unexpectedly, with the genetic type of breast cancer. She’s seen both her mother and sister through the struggle over the past three years; both successful so far. She’s always felt it was just a matter of time, so in some ways she’s fortunate to already have her head in the game.

Our friend group is very close with both her and her husband. They have 3 school-aged children and he works away from home a lot of the time. We all agree (them included) that he will be the one to communicate the family’s needs once treatment starts, to relieve her of any awkwardness of having to ask, or us having to guess and guess wrongly. We are a small army ready to mobilize and to the degree that it’s in our power, they’ll want for nothing once her treatments start. And we’re also prepared for the possibility that once in the real throes of it, privacy and downtime and circling-the-wagons as a family may be what they want. We will certainly respect that, and continue to love them from whatever distance is most comfortable for them.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

If I had to guess, I would say just continue being the good friend that you are.

I remember when I was a teenager, my mom's BFF was diagnosed with that, and my mom stuck by her side the whole time. Taking her to doctors appointments, doing whatever activities she felt like doing, helping around the house, and just being there. Thankfully, although she was given a small chance to live for even 5 years, she battled it back for over 20 years.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Extra hug and prayer to all who have or are impacted by cancer in some way.