My English paper (grammatically revised)

[pacificnorthwester]

It is still for an english class. The greatest writers of all time weren't being graded. If your teacher grades on grammar, like every english teacher that I have ever had does, remove the conjunctions at the begining of the sentences.

The greatest writers of all time have also mispelled words and written entire books without using the letter "e", and they have used fragments and run ons. Once again, they were not in an english class when they did this.

'kay point taken. Just to let you know, My mom helped with the editing process and she didn't say a word. So I am not FULLY to blame that those are still in there.

 

[Sparx]

'kay point taken. Just to let you know, My mom helped with the editing process and she didn't say a word. So I am not FULLY to blame that those are still in there.

I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying that maybe you should consider taking those out if your teacher is grading on grammar.

 

[pacificnorthwester]

Too late i turned it in on thursday. I was just getting feedback.

 

[EeyoreFan1]

Wonder what grade your going to get

 

[pacificnorthwester]

ow. . .was that supposed to be an insult? ^

 

[EeyoreFan1]

ow. . .was that supposed to be an insult? ^

I don't know.. Was it?

 

[pacificnorthwester]

Well the eye roll had me wondering. Any way I think he liked it. He may have noted that this was written by a 15-year-old Sophomore.

 

[EeyoreFan1]

Ehrm... yeah...? I'd personally re do it, but..your not me are you?

 

[pacificnorthwester]

No I don't think so. Mostly he's impressed that a 15-year-old CAN write a 9 page story with my vocab is what i meant.

 

[Sparx]

I just re read it and proofread it. The story is over all, okay. Not really captivating, but its okay. The gramatical errors really take away from the paper itself. You've got an overuse of elipsis and too many run ons and too many comma splices. I didn't catch a mispelled word, but I usually don't correct those unless they're totally mangeled.

If I were the teacher, I'd give it a low B or a high C.

 

[daughter_of_amid_chaos]

If you want to make the story as true to the time period as possible, maybe you should read literature from that time period. You really won't be able to understand their form and vocabulary and why they write the way they do.
I am taking a British Literature class in college at the moment and you really need to read the literature and understand the society and culture of the time to make the story really flow.

I completely agree with Sparx's comments on the grammar.

 

[JediDan2773]

Hmm... When is your next paper due? I'm looking forward to reading more as I'm out of books to read at the moment.

 

[EeyoreFan1]

I give it a C.

 

[pacificnorthwester]

If you want to make the story as true to the time period as possible, maybe you should read literature from that time period. You really won't be able to understand their form and vocabulary and why they write the way they do.
I am taking a British Literature class in college at the moment and you really need to read the literature and understand the society and culture of the time to make the story really flow.

I completely agree with Sparx's comments on the grammar.

I do! That's why I write things in that setting.

 

[pacificnorthwester]

May I just say that this is a triumphant day for Miranda! My teacher finally read my story and to qoute his exact words, "Remarkable!"

 

[Sparx]

May I just say that this is a triumphant day for Miranda! My teacher finally read my story and to qoute his exact words, "Remarkable!"

So your teacher doesn't grade on grammar?

 

[JediDan2773]

Oh, that was mean.



Congrats!

 

[Sparx]

Oh, that was mean.



Congrats!

I'm not being mean. I'm serious. The paper must not have been graded on grammar.

 

[Loves Disney]

Wow. A lot of varied comments. I'm sorry about the vocab. I just like to read so I pick up words. Besides it was set in Victorian England was i supposed to have them talk like a cheer-leader and the school nerd? I just try and stay true to how they would talk and describe events. But as to not holding the attention I'm sorry. It's still a work in progress. As for the ending, I was kind of rushed. It was due the next day and it was supposed to be a SHORT story so I had to wrap it up. It would be better if i was given two weeks and the limit being at least 50 pages. lol

How old are you? That will help me decide whether this is a good piece or a bad piece.

But I am going to give you a serious critique. I am not going to "baby" this post. You deserve to hear what is wrong with it if you want to improve as a writer.

If you are in grades 10+, I would say it could be better. Anything below is okay. If you are in grades 7 and below, it's excellent.

I don't know if it is the fact you had it posted...but you are in need of paragraphs lol.

There are some grammar mistakes, but I'm assuming that wasn't your final draft and well, no one is perfect.

I think the major downfall was the scattered points. You seemed to jump from idea to idea with no set plot. That could play part in the not being "attention grabbing".

The quotations were ambiguous.

To get to why I quoted this, I think it was "inappropriately" wordy. I think you used uncommon words in the wrong spots. If you are going to write in some parts like that, you had better keep it up. It is like speaking half English and half French...it just doesn't flow. I am not sure if you used another source to find alternate words in some cases. I don't doubt that you didn't use another source, but you aren't capturing the time period in the format you presented. Also...I don't see any kind of "cheer-leader" or "nerd" dialogue.

I think the writing is well. You do have a good imagination and it does make sense (for the most part). You definitely exemplify a good writer and you should never give it up! You show serious promise.

 

[pacificnorthwester]

Well I'm 15, Yes it DID have paragraphs they disappeared when I posted, and my teacher grades on how well we write and the imagery. Personally I'm thinking I should have just settled for his oppinion and not asked for my peers'. In that respect i was setting myself up to fail. I'm sorry so few of you liked it. I will try harder and let me just say I am going to continue writing no matter WHAT my critics are saying.