My emotionally distant mother

[ChrizJen]

OP, hugs to you.

I have a similar relationship with my mom. In fact I probably could have almost written your post. I had a fairly good relationship with my mom when I was in my late teens and early 20's. We talked all the time and she seemed to have a genuine interest in my life. But then things changed. She and my dad divorced and she ended up in a relationship with a man who changed her. She became distant and stopped calling. She seemed to lose interest in her grandkids (my brother's and sister's kids). She and I actually had a falling out for a few years until I decided to call her and try to patch things up.
Things are a little better, but they'll never be the way they were before.
Even when we talk, I do the calling. She never calls me. And I'm OK with that, except that she doesn't even call for the things she should call for. For instance, I knew we weren't going to be able to be together on Mother's Day, so I ordered a gift online to be sent to her house. I never heard from her, so I called her the Wednesday after Mother's Day thinking that maybe she never got it. She said, sort of matter-of-fact-like, "Oh, yeah. It came a few days ago. I meant to call you and thank you but I got busy. Thanks for the gift." And that was it.
But one thing that bothers me the most is that she shows no interest whatsoever in my DD. She actually acted like a grandma with my brother's and sister's kids. She spent time with them, offered to babysit, etc. She never shows any interest whatsoever in my DD. Now granted, my DD is a lot younger than the other kids. I waited a lot longer than my brother and my sister did. So I understand if the "novelty" of grandmotherhood has worn off for her. But she could show a little bit of interest. She sees DD on holidays and that's it. I even sent her an invitation to my DD's 4th Birthday party. She didn't RSVP, so I figured she'd be there. She didn't even show up. In fact I had to bring it up to her, and she said, "Oh yeah. We were busy that day. Things have just been a little crazy." Then why didn't she at least call and say that? And send a card for DD's sake? My DD doesn't really even know who she is. She always asks me who my mommy is. I always have to remind her.

Oh well, I'll keep doing my best to keep in contact with her. I do, because I had a GREAT relationship with my Dad, and when he passed away, I STILL felt like there were regrets and things that I should have done but didn't. I don't want to have those regrets with my mom too. So I'll continue to do my best to keep things together.

Sorry, OP for hijacking your thread. And obviously I don't really have much helpful advice for you. Your story just hit so close to home, I had to vent myself...

 

[Evil Genius]

So at 32 your mother is still punishing you for the way you acted when you were 12-13? And you are okay with this? I would have second thoughts about pushing this relationship. What happens the next time you do something she is not happy about? I understand she is your mother, but do you really want to walk on eggshells and hope and pray that you are "good enough" for her?

 

[Kat77]

Are you kidding? I hope you're kidding. Guess what? Teenagers are a PITA, every one of them, some more than others. My kids are little but some day they are going to be PITA teenagers and if I am still punishing them for it in their 30s I hope my husband smacks me, then drags me into counseling.
Good for you for not giving up - its worth it to 'fix' this if you can- but you should have more expectations from your mom than holding your 12 and 13 year old behavior against you 20 years later.

My dad and step-mom joke about all the nasty, horrible things I did and said as a teenager. When ever someone else in the family is complaining about their daughter, I am held up as the shining example of " You think your daughter is bad, remember Jamie at that age? It will all work out."

I am so glad they didn't hold a grudge against me.

Oh OP, I too wish you were kidding and my heart just breaks for you . Your mother is toxic. You can't fix her and none of it is your fault. Checking out on a challenging child is not an option! But I'm willing everything she's held against you was all normal teenage stuff (nothing like Jamie's antics !). Get counseling.

Personally, I would cut her out of my life and find motherly support/build a relationship with an older aunt or friend. I would not waste energy on a broken person who abandoned their child.

 

[cabanafrau]

Oh OP, I too wish you were kidding and my heart just breaks for you . Your mother is toxic. You can't fix her and none of it is your fault. Checking out on a challenging child is not an option! But I'm willing everything she's held against you was all normal teenage stuff (nothing like Jamie's antics !). Get counseling.

Personally, I would cut her out of my life and find motherly support/build a relationship with an older aunt or friend. I would not waste energy on a broken person who abandoned their child.

It may be that disconnecting from the relationship is necessary, but I think the OP needs more information before considering that step.

You may be correct that her mom is broken, broken in a way that she doesn't understand & obviously hasn't dealt with. My gut instinct says this is only connected to the OP in her mother's mind and whatever is at the heart of this is somehow related in her logic to the OP's difficult teenaged years. I think it's a story she's built up to protect whatever it is she can't face.

OP, be sure to deal w/ everything you can on your end so you can face whatever the reality is. If you find out your mother is a mess & chooses to continue to lay it at your feet, make sure you know what reality is, fix what you can & move on as best you can.

 

[tomthebarncat]

My Dad is like this and I wonder if he knows that he fathered two children. I called him last week to tell him that I had just accepted a position in Beijing, China. He told me good luck and then said "well..." that is a que to hang up, I timed the call 4 minutes. I did not cry or get emotional but I realized that it would be the last time I speak to him, because clearly he has nothing to say to me. Sad, yes but not everyone who has children will be a good parent, and evidently age doesn't change that.

 

[JENOS]

You can’t spend your life trying to fix something that your mom clearly doesn’t want to be fixed. It could that your mom doesn’t want to seem vulnerable and has put up a wall that you will never be able to climb. She probably doesn’t think you will show as much emotion as you have for your dad since he passed and resents you for it. (Exact same situation with M.I.L and DW)

I would drop it, you tried it didn’t work and now you have to concentrate on your own kids and give them the love and attention they deserve from a parent. You can’t do both (as I just had this conversation with DW) you might be all smiles when people are around but deep down you feel like cr*p. you have a weight lifted once you let it go.

 

[lizandjason]

Wow.
Your mother is holding things against you that you did as a teenager 20 years ago?

Sorry, but there's something wrong with that.

Were your siblings perfect?

I just don't get this at all.....

She said that I called her horrible names and that I was emotionally abusive to her when I was a kid/teenager because I had been displaced as the 'queen bee' when my brother and sister came around (4 and 9 years younger than me, respectively) and that she couldn't handle me...so she shut me out. She said she 'parked me in the parking lot of her mind and never came back to claim me'.

She seems to feel some guilt about this. It's tough but hopefully we're on the right track. I refuse to let this go without trying to mend it. I just wish I could go back in time and not be so horrid (I never did anything 'bad' other than act out because I needed attention).

 

[lizandjason]

I am so thankful for all of you and your warm care and concern. It means a lot. I hope those of you who have shared stories of your own heartache with your parents will find peace.

I want to stress that my mom is awesome; that's why I'm trying to salvage this relationship. I have so much respect for who she is; I just wish she had more respect for me. But it's not her FAULT, she can't help the way she feels...and I made sure I let her know this last night. She doesn't want to feel this way about her child.

Quick story...I 'lost' my baby album when I was about 20 years old. Couldn't find it ANYWHERE in my parents' house. I kept asking mom and dad to please keep looking for it. And then, at my wedding shower three years ago, my mom presented the album with pictures added from my childhood and a lovely hand-written message.

My mom called me at work today to tell me that she loved me, and she reiterated the fact that she wants to think about why she has these feelings (or lack thereof). I talked to my dad this morning and he told me that she is genuinely concerned about this...so, there is hope.

I'll keep everyone posted. Once again, thanks to you all.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, perhaps PPs are right that there is something connected with you (other than being a mouthy teenager) which distresses her so it's easier for her to distance herself.

 

[NaLisa]

I am so thankful for all of you and your warm care and concern. It means a lot. I hope those of you who have shared stories of your own heartache with your parents will find peace.

I want to stress that my mom is awesome; that's why I'm trying to salvage this relationship. I have so much respect for who she is; I just wish she had more respect for me. But it's not her FAULT, she can't help the way she feels...and I made sure I let her know this last night. She doesn't want to feel this way about her child.

Quick story...I 'lost' my baby album when I was about 20 years old. Couldn't find it ANYWHERE in my parents' house. I kept asking mom and dad to please keep looking for it. And then, at my wedding shower three years ago, my mom presented the album with pictures added from my childhood and a lovely hand-written message.

My mom called me at work today to tell me that she loved me, and she reiterated the fact that she wants to think about why she has these feelings (or lack thereof). I talked to my dad this morning and he told me that she is genuinely concerned about this...so, there is hope.

I'll keep everyone posted. Once again, thanks to you all.

Thanks for the update, and I'm so glad to hear your mother is working on this relationship too. You're both making headway toward a better relationship.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thank you for the update.

It sounds like your mother is aware. I think you are pretty awesome, OP to uphold your mother. It's hard as a reader to see the good in someone when they have done something pretty bad. It says a lot that you defend her, a lot about you and her.

I hope you both can find peace and a fulfilling relationship.