My DS's Father doesn't deserve.....

[DisnyMama]

First I want to wish all the Dads here on the DIS a "Happy Father's Day". I have read so many deserving stories about some wonderful fathers on these boards.

The feelings that I have for my ex-husband in regards to how he has neglected his son for the last couple of years-well-all I will allow myself to say is that I have absolutely no respect for this man in any sense of the word. Yet, DS keeps trying to have a relationship with him. DS calls him and leaves messages and dad rarely calls back. DS was in the hospital last week for a few days and called his dad and left a message but dad did not call.

Of course I bought DS a fathers day card to send to his dad. That was to be expected and that I understood. DS plans to call his dad today which doesn't surprise me but I just don't feel that this man deserves it. I know it is not up to me, it is my sons choice but I just wish that his dad would know how lucky and privledged he is to have a son as special as the one we have.
Ok, I have gotten this off my chest. Thank you for giving me a safe place to voice how I have been feeling.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Luckily my kids have a great dad living under the same roof,but I know others in your same position. You are the better person for how you are raising your son. I can certainly understand your feelings though. to you, and vent away.

 

[kdibattista]

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I think I understand. I am sorry you have to watch your DS struggle!

My father was not a nice person. He was very mean to my mom, and I decided not to have anything to do with him after my own DS was born. My mom and my sisters continued to knock their brains out TRYING to win his approval and make him like them. It is incredibly frustrating to watch people fall all over themselves in an attempt to get someone's attention, especially when that person's attention isn't worth having.

I hope that some day your DS sees his father for who he truly is. I hope your DS can see that there isn't anything at all wrong with HIM, it is his father who has the problem. Good luck to you and your DS!!

 

[Shugardrawers]

I certainly understand. You just have to let your DS learn this hard lesson on his own. Otherwise, you'll be seen as the bad guy. It sucks, I know. I'm incredibly lucky. I have the world's best daddy. But you know what? He's not my bio father. Any man can be a father. Not all of them are dads though.

 

[Cass]

I think it's kind of sweet that your DS keeps reaching out to his father, he must have a very kind heart.

It is also very sad that his Dad is being an jerk, have you spoken to him (Dad) about it? written him a letter?

 

[smilingmouse]

It sucks, I know. I'm incredibly lucky. I have the world's best daddy. But you know what? He's not my bio father. Any man can be a father. Not all of them are dads though.

I totally agree with this! My bio is a horible person. I am blessed to have a stepfather who is the best dad I could ask for.

To the OP, I'm sorry your son has to go through this

 

[camreesmom]

My DD's bio dad lives only about 15 minutes from us, works at the same company that I do and hasn't seen her in over 4 years by his own choice. Luckily DH has been in our lives since she was born and is her DADDY. I get so frustrated though because I see the bio dad at work and even can carry on a civil conversation with him as long as I never bring up DD. He never even asks how she is doing. He pays child support but only because it is court ordered garnished. When he wasn't working, we didn't see a penny. Hopefully, your son has a strong male figure in his life but it seems like you are doing the best you can and I have respect for you being able to keep your feelings out of it.

 

[DisnyMama]

Breezy Carol, kdibattista and Jackskellingtonsgirl -Thank You!

Sugardrawers - thi is s true. DS's dad has another son who is 25 years old that we are very close to. His Stepdad is more of a father than his real dad will ever be. I keep telling my DS that his dad did the same thing to his older brother and that he wasn't there for him either. History repeats itself.

Cass - Thank you. DS does have a very kind heart, a little too much some times. I worry that some girl will come along and take advantage of this kind heart one day. If she does she's got me to deal with.

smilingmouse and camreesmom- Thank you!

 

[KarenAylwood]

DisnyMama, your story is all too familiar. My DBF of 24 years old has a deadbeat father. Left the family, never paid more than $600 per month of child support for 4 kids, sent DBF a letter for his 21st birthday saying that it was the end of him "sending money" and gave him a $200 check that would "get him through the next semester" (umm, sorry dad, that won't cover my Chemistry book for the semester ).

DBF has two brothers (twins, 32 yrs old) that would not let go of their father despite what he has put them through. He is a very selfish man and will never change. I had the pleasure of meeting him at DBF's brother's wedding. Lived up to all the expectations I had and more. Wouldn't cover his hotel room and contributed $200 towards the wedding, along with making a scene at the rehearsal dinner and charging $40 in phone calls to the room his son was covering for him.

DBF has little to no relationship with his father. Yesterday he told me that he felt like he should call his dad. I said "and say what? thanks for the chromosomes?" Needless to say, after thinking about it- there was no phone call. His brothers however, did call.

The challenge is that boys want a father more than anything, and will often overlook things that have been done to them, hoping for more out of the relationship. All you can do is stand by and encourage him to do what he thinks is right, even though it may be frustrating to watch.

Your DS sounds like a very caring individual, and this may even go on for some time. Eventually he will probably see the light, but it sounds like that at this age he isn't ready to. Goodluck to you both, and it sounds like you're doing a good job raising him.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

THere is nothing sadder than to have a child reach out to a parent and the parent close the door....very sad. So sorry for you and your son.

 

[makinorlando]

I cried during church yesterday (first time DD and I had gone in a long long time) when they were talking about fathers. My DD9 has not seen her father since she was one. We separated when she was an infant, and he chose to walk away from all of his responsibilities - has never paid court ordered child support, and he does not even contact her (we have no clue where he is) - as much as I feel bitter towards this, if he did reach out to her, I would not interfer. I would love for her to at least see him and talk to him now that she will have memories. He might break her heart like he did mine, but she deserves to at least meet that man who is her father.

It is a very very hard thing....