My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[taraprather]

This is not disney related but I need someone help me help my husband get through this...
My son is 8 years old. My DH and I have been together since he was 15 months. My ds's real father stopped coming around when he was 2. Well my husband has played the daddy role all these years. My son calls him daddy but he remembers his "father". Well I get a phone call yesterday from his "father". First time I've heard from him in 6 years! We had a long conversation.
Let's back up the past few months.....my son has recently started asking about his father...a lot lately. He cries for him, but not in front of my husband.
So when I get this call, he asks to talk to his son, and I allow it. You should have seen my sons face just light up when I told him who was on the phone. He was jumping up and down with this HUGE smile.
After we hung up the phone I called my husband and told him about this. He was FURIOUS! I can't get him to understand that this is what our son wants and that he will still always be considered his "daddy". He slept on the couch last night and isn't speaking to me. I know he's overreacting, but I'm sure he's terribly hurt by this to. I'm suppose to meet with my sons father today. I told my husband I wanted him to be there to, but he declined in a not so nice way. I don't know what to say to him to see why I am allowing him back in his life. I've said everything I could think of. I am doing this for my sons happiness and no one elses. My son woke me up 3 times last night talking about how excited he was to see his father. It just makes my year to see him this happy. But yet, me and my husband aren't doing so well because of it. I don't want any negative feedback, I'm already stressed and down enough already of this. But if you have any advice or positive feedback, I would appreciate it!

 

[PlaneJoy1]

I completely understand where you are coming from - however you need to take a time out and look at from your DH's point of view. He's poured his life and support into making your son - his son. I assume that he has treated him no differently than if he really was.

If it were me, I would not have let my child talk to his long gone father on the phone before first having a conversation with my DH that father has now called. I personally think you owe him an apology for not informing him first and considering his feelings in all of this.

I understand your son has wanted to see his father and you want to give that to him. If my DD's father would call right now - I would have first made a meeting of just he, I, and my DH before putting him back into DD's life. I would want to understand why, after this many years, he's suddenly appearing and what he plans to do from here on out.

Perhaps your DH thinks he'll show up for a couple of months and then be gone again. Then how is your son going to feel????

I realize what's done is done - but be careful in this. Most marriage vows include "love, honor and cherish" - I don't think you've honored your DH in this right now. C


I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying all of this. But I've thought long and hard on the day that my DD will want to see her bio father (not that she hasn't already asked) or if he ever calls what the next steps will be.

 

[Makdyn]

No adivce but I am sure I will be in the situation at one point in my life as my girls father left when I told him that I was pregnant with dd #2. Unless his father is bad news then I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. you want your son to have a relationship with his real father. Maybe he has realize what he is missing out on and trying to make up for it. I would make sure everything is on your terms at the beginning of this. So you can see that he has change and want to be their for your son.

 

[Adi12982]

Even though your ex has not been in your lives for the last 6 years, he still has legal rights to see your son. I am sure it will be hard for your husband - but your son and his father have the right to see each other. I think time may help him see things more clearly, but if not just be patient and try to talk to him. Good luck.

 

[Kimmumum]

I don't have any advice other than be sure that his "father" is going to stay in his life before your son invests too much. You don't want him to get hurt all over again. Is you son going to the meeting? I think I would talk to your ex first and find out his intentions with out your son present.

Give your hubby time. He is hurt and has a right. Hopefully he will come around. He doesn't want to be replaced as the dad that he has been for 6 1/2 years. You can't blame him.

Hugs to your family. I hope your ex steps up and acts like the father your son wants (I said want because it sounds like he has the dad he needs already )

 

[shoegirl1020]

I'm pretty familiar with your situtation. My older two children have not seen their bio dad in almost 5 years. I remarried (been with 2nd husband since ds was just 6 months old). My kids call him dad, but also know that bio dad is out there. I personally will not let bio dad have anything to do with my kids after everything he did to them. He was constantly in and out of their lives from the very beginning and it may have affected them. Actually I'm sure it did.

In any event, have you specifically asked your husband WHY he's so angry? Is he afraid that ds will "love" bio dad more? Or he is just concerned because bio dad hasn't been around for soo long and he's afraid that ds will be hurt again and he'll be left to pick up the pieces?

I know you didn't want any negative comments and didn't ask for advice in regards to letting/not letting ds see the dad, but think long and hard about the consquences of the dad disappearing again.

 

[ilovejack02]

You all need to get to counseling if this continues. Your Dh is hurt but he has to understand that your son also needs to know the man that helped create him. Its just like children that are adopted feeling the need to know the people that gave them up even after being raised by wonderful parents. It has nothing to do with him and your son getting to know his bio father will not change how much he loves his Daddy. You can not keep the bio father away from his child( unless is a danger or starts popping in and out then by all means) If you try to do it, just for the sake of your DH your child will eventually resent the both of you and could even hate you for it.
You must do what is right for your DS, find out what the bio dad's intentions are and go from there. You may need to think about counseling for your DS if bio dad starts dropping in and out or decides to drop out of site again.
I have been a stepmom for about13 yrs and have seen first hand how upsetting it can be for parents to do this. The kids always blame themsleves. Its alot to think about for sure.

 

[Savin4Disney]

As a single mom here. I really think you were wrong. You jumped before you thought of others feelings. Your DH has loved this child like his own, he has raised and supported him. Then suddenly bio dad comes knocking and you jump. You did not even talk to your DH about it, telling him after the fact.

You need to ask where the heck bio dad has been. Why did not feel it was important to stay in his son's life, how long is he going to stick around for?

I ask all those questions because I have been down that road. My son is now 15 and can make up his own mind about his Dad but your son is young yet. I refuse to let my ex break my son's heart. He did it once and all contact was shut off.

I hope your DH comes around but I would be a tad mad right now too. I know that is not what you want to hear but you have to think of your son's feelings and what bio dad is up to and then talk to your DH.

 

[teresajoy]

I personally think you did the right thing, and I applaud you for it. It would have been easier for you to just let his "father" have it, and use your son as something to withhold from him just to get back at him. But, you put your son first, which is what a parent is suppose to do, and you let him talk to his dad. Will his "father" hurt him again, maybe, but at least your son will know that it wasn't your fault.

I also understand how your husband is upset right now, but I think if he really thinks about this from your son's perspective, he will come around.

Hugs for you all.

 

[mermaidwannabe]

That's a really tough situation. I can see how you would've wanted to make your child happy and maybe just reacted, but I can understand why your DH is hurt/angry. I also think you should apologize and then explain how you felt, etc. Communicate. I really hope the bio father has good intentions of maintaining a relationship now that the door has been opened and hope he wasn't just feeling melancholy one day. I would also recommend being very straightforward with him to see if he plans on being apart of the child's life or if he's just going to call every few years.

 

[java]

A big
I think you acted without thinking. You were caught off guard and didn't really have the time to think. You only want what is best for your son. And that is wonderful. But what you think is best for your son is not what your DH thinks is best for HIS son right now. He was not treated as a 50% part in this and I think that is why he is hurt.
What is the rush all of a sudden from the birth father? Pops into town contact and wants to get together? While I think it is great that you feel comfortable enough to bring your son back into that- don't let him walk all over him again.
I so feel for your son. How excited he must be. Good luck and remember who has been the Father for these past 7 years- the one that actually stepped up to someone else's responsiblity and took it on like a MAN.

 

[thompson princesses]

Some great advice from our fellow "disers"! Your dh may also be insecure that your ex is back in the picture and may be afraid of losing you too! Try to reassure him that it isn't going to happen. Good luck!

 

[buzz2400]

I have raised my son by myself since he was one. His father "disappeared" for many, many years even though he was in the next town over. I never bad mouthed him in front of my son. I only said no to one visitation when his father decided to finally marry his girlfriend (who actually broke up the marriage). Through many counseling sessions, I was told he is his father and don't ever deny visitation because in the end, it can come back and bite you in the ___. So now by son is 15 and has decided within the past couple years that he does not ever want to see his father again. Why am I telling you this, first even though your husband has been a real father to your son, he is not the biological father. That can never be replaced. And that goes for a mother too. Kids see things very differently and become affected differently than adults. In the end your son will most likely always consider your husband his dad but he has to find out himself. So do I think you are wrong in not consulting him first, no. Do I think you should let the visitations occur, yes. But keep a watchful eye on your son. My son has some very bad anger management problems because of what his father did. Please tell your husband to still be supportive of your son. He is going to need it (since the bio father will probably disappear within a year).

 

[taraprather]

Yes, I definitely didn't have time to think and I just reacted. As far as the meeting goes today, it will just be me and him, and he knows this.
I've thought about what all of you have said. I've thought about him coming and going and things like that, and trust me, it scares the living **** out of me!!! But hopefully with the meeting today we can get some ground rules set. He didn't really give me a reason on the phone on why he's been gone so long. At first he tried saying "well I tried to see him and you wouldn't let me." I set him straight real fast there. I NEVER stopped my son from seeing his father...ever!
I have apologized to my husband over and over and over again. I've emailed him like every hour today apologizing and telling how much me and his son love him!!! (he reads his email at work and won't accept my calls).
We have a softball game tonight. It's not a tourny or anything, just for fun. I know he will go right after work without coming home because he brought all his softball stuff with him. Should I show up to the game? (I play too) or should I let him have his space? I hate being in this situation and I knew one day it would happen. I know I screwed up by talking to his father for over an hour and letting him talk to TJ. I was just so confused/excited....very mixed emotions/feelings, I was not thinking about anything except how happy my son will be to know his father was on the phone. And boy was he happy!

 

[mello]

Oh man, I SO feel for you. You want to see your son happy, but at the same time you don't want your dh to be hurt either. You must feel so in the middle, and this happened so suddenly. I've been there done that, but with my dh. He grew up as your son did, and the last time we had contact with his biological father was about 20 years ago, shortly after we were married. Of course every situation is different, but I'd like to offer you a word of caution. Your ds could wind up more hurt by this than happy in the long run, if the pattern of no contact for months/years and then sudden short contact continues (and it likely will). My dh once was in the position of your son, so I know this. Absentee dads don't tend to change. They just feel guilty or something every now and then, and then seek contact. They'll usually give gifts or money (to assuage their guilt) and then disappear again, leaving the child wondering what he did to alienate his father once again. My dh is 44 years old and hasn't seen his biological father for 20 years, but the wounds are still there. We've actually dealt with this in counseling. I know this sounds drastic, but I would not go to that meeting, and I would make sure your son knows that his "real father" is the one who has supported him and taken care of him all these years; the one who stands second most (after your son) to be hurt by all of this. Hugs to you all, and I wish you the best in getting through this.

 

[taraprather]

Some great advice from our fellow "disers"! Your dh may also be insecure that your ex is back in the picture and may be afraid of losing you too! Try to reassure him that it isn't going to happen. Good luck!

I thought about this too. I told him that he has a girlfriend and they have a 2 year old son together. Maybe this is the reason he is coming back around because he's realizing all that he has missed.

 

[ilovejack02]

Yes, I definitely didn't have time to think and I just reacted. As far as the meeting goes today, it will just be me and him, and he knows this.
I've thought about what all of you have said. I've thought about him coming and going and things like that, and trust me, it scares the living **** out of me!!! But hopefully with the meeting today we can get some ground rules set. He didn't really give me a reason on the phone on why he's been gone so long. At first he tried saying "well I tried to see him and you wouldn't let me." I set him straight real fast there. I NEVER stopped my son from seeing his father...ever!
I have apologized to my husband over and over and over again. I've emailed him like every hour today apologizing and telling how much me and his son love him!!! (he reads his email at work and won't accept my calls).
We have a softball game tonight. It's not a tourny or anything, just for fun. I know he will go right after work without coming home because he brought all his softball stuff with him. Should I show up to the game? (I play too) or should I let him have his space? I hate being in this situation and I knew one day it would happen. I know I screwed up by talking to his father for over an hour and letting him talk to TJ. I was just so confused/excited....very mixed emotions/feelings, I was not thinking about anything except how happy my son will be to know his father was on the phone. And boy was he happy!

YOU DID NOT SCREW UP BY TALKING TO DS's bio father... It is your job!!! Now letting DS talk to him, maybe you did and maybe you didnt who really knows, we all are just giving our opinions. Yes your DH is hurt, which has turned into anger, but like I said its not for him to say if DS can have a relationship with his father or not even though he does need to be involved in all future decisions on what happens he is still going to let it happen. Hopefully he will get past this, Its not like a think he doesnt have a right to be upset, but he also needs to be supporting you too. Just think about this, you have had your own little tiny family for 6 yrs and now you might have to share DS with another family. UGHH i can imagine that is upsetting for you too. Im sure there are lots of things going through your mind and the last thing that needs to happen is your DH feeling threatened and shutting down on you. Let him be angry and give him space, i might would stay home tonight. I also would be sure and get with DH and discuss that you cant let this come between the two of you because i can guarantee that DS will blame himself for that too!!!! Dont let DS know that this has upset his dad and now he is mad at you. Good luck!!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I have raised my son by myself since he was one. His father "disappeared" for many, many years even though he was in the next town over. I never bad mouthed him in front of my son. I only said no to one visitation when his father decided to finally marry his girlfriend (who actually broke up the marriage). Through many counseling sessions, I was told he is his father and don't ever deny visitation because in the end, it can come back and bite you in the ___. So now by son is 15 and has decided within the past couple years that he does not ever want to see his father again. Why am I telling you this, first even though your husband has been a real father to your son, he is not the biological father. That can never be replaced. And that goes for a mother too. Kids see things very differently and become affected differently than adults. In the end your son will most likely always consider your husband his dad but he has to find out himself. So do I think you are wrong in not consulting him first, no. Do I think you should let the visitations occur, yes. But keep a watchful eye on your son. My son has some very bad anger management problems because of what his father did. Please tell your husband to still be supportive of your son. He is going to need it (since the bio father will probably disappear within a year).

This is the post that I think is so important. I am in somewhat of a similar situation. My ex stepped out of my DD life for about 5 years. My DH raised her as his own. BUT she never called him dad because he is not. He helps with every aspect of raising her but, as hard as this is for him, must step back when her dad makes his infrequest appearances. Her dad does not pay any CS and I do not work so my DH supports her financially 100%. I know that he is upset at times and we do have arguements over this. I think that the most imporant thing is that you must do what is right for your child...not you and not your husband...and this is sometimes very hard. You need to let your son see what your ex is for himself...as hard as it may be. If you just protect him from all the bad things he will resent you for keeping dad away.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'm just not sure what to say -
you don't want any "negative feedback."

okkkkkkkk

But what you did was a major family decision that you just made without even thinking for one second of your husband's thoughts or feelings on the matter.
OF COURSE he is furious. He has stepped in to be a Father for this boy for nearly 7 years now, and you just slapped him in the face with a big ol' "Hey, we all know you're just the Pretend Daddy."

Almost anybody I know would be pissed beyond belief to be treated like that.

You are headed into very turbulent waters here, with your son and your husband.

 

[ilovejack02]

Oh man, I SO feel for you. You want to see your son happy, but at the same time you don't want your dh to be hurt either. You must feel so in the middle, and this happened so suddenly. I've been there done that, but with my dh. He grew up as your son did, and the last time we had contact with his biological father was about 20 years ago, shortly after we were married. Of course every situation is different, but I'd like to offer you a word of caution. Your ds could wind up more hurt by this than happy in the long run, if the pattern of no contact for months/years and then sudden short contact continues (and it likely will). My dh once was in the position of your son, so I know this. Absentee dads don't tend to change. They just feel guilty or something every now and then, and then seek contact. They'll usually give gifts or money (to assuage their guilt) and then disappear again, leaving the child wondering what he did to alienate his father once again. My dh is 44 years old and hasn't seen his biological father for 20 years, but the wounds are still there. We've actually dealt with this in counseling. I know this sounds drastic, but I would not go to that meeting, and I would make sure your son knows that his "real father" is the one who has supported him and taken care of him all these years; the one who stands second most (after your son) to be hurt by all of this. Hugs to you all, and I wish you the best in getting through this.

I get what you are saying, but I look at my DSS's half brother , who has NEVER met his father ( he is a horrible person, and dangerous) THe child is 14 and still wants to get to know him and vows as soon as he is old enough to visit him which we are all freaked about but he is going to have to learn on his own. He is just as messed up and angry by NOT knowing him. Its a catch 22 situation, the child will grow up angry and resentful at mom and dad and eventually find his father with or with out the help of his real mom and dad or bio dad might break his heart by popping in and out and he will be upset with that. I think counseling will be a big help with this and it may be something that the bio dad needs to get in on too, IF he wants to be a part of this kid's life.