My Daughter Is Such A Brat...

[Robinrs]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect - and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return. It doesn't give you carte blanche to keep them under your thumb just because you can. If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

Good luck raising a teenager. You're in for a rough few years.

6 year olds are easy, VERY easy. But even then they have to know the hiararchy or they will be hell on wheels at 15.

You may think this is the way to go, come back in ten years. I've seen MAJOR disasters with children in charge, (prisoners? SERIOUSLY?) and it started early.

This is not an equal job, someone has to be in charge, with love. They don't get the same rules as adults until they've earned it. Believe me, if they feel they have the right they will use it in a way you don't want to see, a way I see daily with lack of discipline.

Teach them EARLY, while they're young and adorable. That disappears incredibly in a very short time.

 

[MrsPete]

I always find it disheartening when so many people buy into the idea that teens are automatically going to be rude, disrespectful, jealous of their space/possessions, and otherwise just difficult. At 14 and 17, my girls are not like that at all. They're a joy 98% of the time, and that's as much as anyone can ask of a human being. We really like the young ladies they're turning out to be -- kind, helpful, responsible, good students, able to carry on a conversation with adults -- and all of us enjoy spending time together.

I see these same traits in many of their friends. My girls aren't the only "good teens" out there.

 

[Robinrs]

I always find it disheartening when so many people buy into the idea that teens are automatically going to be rude, disrespectful, jealous of their space/possessions, and otherwise just difficult. At 14 and 17, my girls are not like that at all. They're a joy 98% of the time, and that's as much as anyone can ask of a human being. We really like the young ladies they're turning out to be -- kind, helpful, responsible, good students, able to carry on a conversation with adults -- and all of us enjoy spending time together.

I see these same traits in many of their friends. My girls aren't the only "good teens" out there.

Agreed. I wasn't like that either.

My son's gf is just adorable, she even works with her parents when she's home from college. Some of the boys are a trip, but none are disrespectful.

I always say, the good kids get NO print.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I used to get annoyed that my parents went in my room but now I don't care [im 18] and my dad says "I pay for this house, I'll go in any room I want"

 

[bellebud]

OP - I agree w/ you that IF she did it on purpose, it's very mean. I'd not be just ok with it and chalk it up to teen behavior. It was very hurtful. I for one think it's a really big deal if someone purposefully ruined a family's christmas gift surprise.

I'd sit down with her and ask her why she did that. Ask her if she doesn't like you guys hiding things in her closet anymore. Let her know you guys didn't think twice about doing it since you've always done it, but if it's something she doesn't want to happen anymore, ok. BUT, that the way she did what she did was mean and hurtful, and you expect more from her.

Hope you're not too upset.

 

[SaraJayne]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect - and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return. It doesn't give you carte blanche to keep them under your thumb just because you can. If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

Get back to us when your darlings are teenagers.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Get back to us when your darlings are teenagers.

IDK...I have to remind myself DD is only 4...YEAH...4 going on 20

 

[DeluxePrincess]

If that is the worst thing she's done thus far OP, consider yourself lucky.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

NO kidding. Good Gawd!!!

I love nothing more than teenagerless parents, giving the "My child will never...." spiel. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, imagining their future.

I'm glad I have never said never with mine! I would be SO disappointed in myself!

 

[jujube]

OP, I agree you daughter was a brat.
The poster who said to tell her that she hurt your husband sounds like the best idea.
Maybe 17 year olds act like this so we can appreciate when they leave for college.

 

[hereyago]

That's definitely what my mom would have done to me! She gave me basic privacy (though...my room was immediately off the living room, so there wasn't much privacy to begin with, it was just the semblance of privacy), but the overriding concept was that she was the Queen and the Boss and had the right to enter if needed.


Even when I moved back in with her and her husband after grad school, even though they did treat me kindly and didn't charge rent, didn't charge for food, etc, I knew the underlying rule. If she needed to go into my room, that she was sweetly providing me, she could, even though I was 25.

I once slammed a door and my DF threatened to take the doors off, lol. and I didn't do it anymore.

And my friend's parents actually did take off her doors, but they had a very valid reason-do not sneak boys into your room and be loud, just sayin....

I had a lot of freedom growing up, but I wouldn't have been stupid or falsely brave as the OP's daughter to pull that, my DF was military and that just wouldn't have gone over very well. lol.

 

[Anne MN]

Sounds like your teen is- being a teen. Why is she spending so much time in her room with the door closed- that is what I would ask myself. I have twin 16yr olds- yes it's fun- our house rules are if you are changing door can close, otherwise they stay open end of story. that is so everyone can know what is going on. I go in all 3 of my girls rooms- looking for stuff, going thru things looking for stuff-
my kids know that if they try to spend too much time in their room or with headphones in their ears, they will get taken away and they will be told go do something else, prefer- with sisters.

I think your DD was being a brat and needs to address what respect your parents mean!

 

[low-key]

Most 17 year old girls are brats and 17 year old boys are punks

sorry...they aren't all that way. While my girls aren't angels neither one of them were horrible brats when they were teens (18 and 20 now)
[/QUOTE]

thats why i said "most" and not "all"

 

[Bonniec]

Kids will be kids and will always have their moments and off days. But I don't buy into this whole spiel of "that's just the way teenagers are". I have twin 17 year olds (boy and girl) who are about to turn 18 in a week. My kids are respectful to us and when they have a moment out of line, we are on them. If my daughter ruined a Christmas surprise for me (assuming it was not an accident) she would be answering to her father about it and it would not be pleasent.

Being a teenager is not an excuse to be a turd.





ETA:

Maybe 17 year olds act like this so we can appreciate when they leave for college.

Maybe. Maybe if mine had acted like that it wouldn't be so hard for ME! Im completely freaked out knowing I only have them about 6 more months before they head off to college. I'm not quite sure how to cope with that one.

 

[Robinrs]

Kids will be kids and will always have their moments and off days. But I don't buy into this whole spiel of "that's just the way teenagers are". I have twin 17 year olds (boy and girl) who are about to turn 18 in a week. My kids are respectful to us and when they have a moment out of line, we are on them. If my daughter ruined a Christmas surprise for me (assuming it was not an accident) she would be answering to her father about it and it would not be pleasent.

Being a teenager is not an excuse to be a turd.


ETA:


Maybe. Maybe if mine had acted like that it wouldn't be so hard for ME! Im completely freaked out knowing I only have them about 6 more months before they head off to college. I'm not quite sure how to cope with that one.

LOL!!! I want that on a bumper sticker!!!

It'll be uber hard for me, too, Bonnie. My son is great help around the house and is amazing with my uncle, who lives with us. I'm a single parent and he helps me like you wouldn't believe with the house, including keeping it clean!! He's anal to a fault about cleanliness and is Felix to my Oscar... He is going to have a HARD TIME living with other teenaged boys and I feel so sorry for them...

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, when I read some of these responses, it's no wonder teenagers are so screwed up.

The teen needs privacy. The teen was upset. Cry me a river.

The kid knew exactly what she was doing, ruining a Christmas surprise because the people who pay for every single thing she has had the audacity to hide a Christmas gift in her closet without asking Her Highness's permission.

And then she turns it around when she needs a ride that she has the best parents in the world.

The kid would be doing a lot of walking if she were mine.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I will throw my 2 cents in here as well. I will go with OP's statement/judgement that storing stuff in closets at Christmas is a "family tradition", so to speak, and nothing that DD isn't accustomed to having happen at this time of year. Yes, teens have their privacy, and I'll knock on DD18's door if she's in there rather than barging in, don't read her diary or notebooks, stay out of her drawers (unless I'm putting away clean laundry, somehow that doesn't violate privacy), but if she's out and I need something from her room, need to check that the heat's turned down, want to use her CD player, etc., SURE I GO IN... it's MY house. Actually, it's her house too, and if she needs something from my room (my sweater, my blankey, to use the shower instead of hers where there's a drying rack for leotards and tights, etc), she goes in if we aren't there.

Given the info from OP, I am 99% sure that OP's daughter knew exactly what she was doing. I don't think the point here is that OP had a Christmas surprise "ruined." I can handle that... what would be upsetting to me is that DD chose to be mean and petty. I would be heartbroken if DD intentionally chose to hurt my feelings. I can get over the hurt feelings, but not the sadness in knowing that DD has the capacity to intentionally decide to be mean when handling a situation instead of making a better decision of how to deal with it.

AFTER my temper/feelings have cooled, I'd talk to DD and ask her why she decided to handle the situation this way, spoiling her dad's anticipation and my surprise. Could she have called/talked to/asked him about this instead of bringing it directly to me and blowing up about it? Could she have waited for him to get home? Is she worried that he might have seen a surprise for him, or been snooping? DD and I talk about a lot of stuff, and this is the kind of conversation we'd have about the situation.

It's not about the ruined surprise. AND my DD isn't the stereotypical "spoiled brat, self-centered" teen girl... she just isn't!

You people wouldn't have lasted in this house.

Said closet is in my house, therefore it is MY closet.

Intentional rudeness/brattiness is inexcusable. Yes, the 17 y.o. knew better. She intentionally ruined a surprise for her mother. Unacceptable.

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. This is exactly why I was/am feeling upset with her.

She does know that I am angry and upset with how she chose to handle it, and she did confirm that she knew very well that it was a Christmas gift for me. She also admitted to doing it purposely because "you people shouldn't put things in my closet"

Ordinarily (as in, historically speaking) her father does ask her to hide the gifts in her room. In this instance, because she was at work, he just quickly shoved it in her closet. She was pissed off at me and wanted to ruin the surprise, just because.

She is generally a very good kid, however, lately it has been almost impossible for her to speak to us without being rude and antagonistic. Mostly she hibernates in her room and avoids having any contact with us...unless she wants us to drive her somewhere, or do something for her. Then we are the best parents ever!

There wasn't anything innocuous about the OP's post or the teen's behavior - it was perfectly clear what the daughter was doing and that she was doing it intentionally.



If I'd really raised a daughter who behaved like this you can be sure I would be punishing her and I wouldn't have to think very hard about it. Rude and disrespectful in my house would get you punished. It's not about he cookie jar, it's about the behavior.

And news flash, grounding, taking away car keys, making someone do extra chores, etc. work pretty well and they can be used over and over again. No need to think of ever-increasing punishments.

Having said all that, I am really sorry for the OP. My own situation is so very different from hers. I would be crushed if my daughter ever did anything like this.

This is completely accurate. Not that I have any firsthand experience with that.

OP, you know your daughter better than any of us here. Her behavior wasn't an isolated incident and that's the reason you're upset; it's an accumulation of annoyances. I get it and you have my sympathy.

Whether or not her father should have put the bag in her closet (which I don't really see the big deal about), the daughter acted like brat. Plain and simple, she acted like a brat.

What kind of person would want to spoil a Christmas present for her parent? She wanted to hurt her mother. She wanted to see the disappointment on her mother's face. That is just down right mean and nasty. Sorry.

I'm sorry for you OP, teens can be mean and hopefully she will grow out of the "terrible teens" soon!

Wrong. He/we never asked permission, simply gave her the item(s) with a "hey, take this and hide it somewhere for your mother/father", OR put it there and told her at some point it was there. He just bought it on Tuesday, and she wasn't home when he came home with it. He put it in her closet and just forgot to mention it.

We have texted a couple of times this morning, and she has apologized, and said she did it because she was "still pissy" at me for something else and that's why she did it. She was being a brat, plain and simple.

Here is how the conversation would have gone in my house:

DH: Did you hide something in my closet?
ME: Oh yeah. Its for so and so...
DH: Ah, ok.. was wondering why it was there LOL

It would repeat itself with any member of my family. There is respect for privacy and plain courtesy. I would be really troubled if I lived in home where something as simple as using someone else's closet to hide a gift for another family member would be equal to international espionage. I don't care how old you are.

OP, Im sure it hurt and Im glad she's apologized. Hope you guys have a great Christmas!








Really?

What saddens me the most about the situation is that the daughter has taken a perfectly innocent, totally silly ritual and destroyed it. As a parent that would hurt me beyond belief because she derailed the pleasure derived from the family ritual instead of playing along with it. Family traditions are sacred and the daughter just decided that the ritual was less important than her own desires. I would be bewildered and hurt and I'd never hide anything in her closet again.

But I'd remember it every single Christmas when I had to hide a gift. I think that's a sad legacy to create.

Agree with all the above, and Robin, too.. I sympathize with you, Faye, and totally understand why you felt like venting here.

 

[Buckalew11]

Rudeness is not a teenage trait, it's an ALLOWED trait.

I totally agree.

The point I am trying to make is that at age 17, most teenagers should have matured into an almost-young adult who could be expected to see a cookie jar hidden in their closet, think "Oh, Dad must have hidden this here as a surprise for Mom" and at the most gone and said, "Hey, Dad, how about finding another place to hide presents? I don't like you guys going in my closet." End of story.

The fact that occasionally a 17 year will will turn into something entirely different and cause a scene the OP described just because she is "pissed off" is what, to me, makes parenting teens unpredictable.

There is nothing in a 2 year old's arsenal that is that terribly difficult to manage. If you have really raised a child from birth to 18 and you still feel that two year olds are harder than teens, then you must have had a terribly difficult little one and you have my sympathies.

The only person who is making personal space an ongoing issue is you. You have boundary issues, we get that.

If she is home and in her room, we knock and wait for her to acknowledge before entering. If she isn't home, we go in and do what ever it is we need to do; grab some laundry, turn on her heat/air conditioning, play with her hamster if DD has been gone out a long time, whatever needs doing.

I definitely feel your pain on how a dd can hurt your feelings without caring. I'm currently at my dd (25) after driving 8 hours and I know nothing about anything. Everytime I say anything, she has to comment ugly. And I've told her to chill and be nice, but to her she's fine. The only reason I'm keeping my mouth shut is so I can be here with my grandson. Even my ds (16) came up to me and said "sorry mom" after dd said something. I plan on just waiting till I get home and then letting her know how terrible she has been. Merry christmas to me.

So sorry. I just witnessed something similar last weekend between a mom and a 29yo son. It was hard to watch, the tension was evident and I was very uncomfortable. It probably wasn't anything new though...but it had to be hurtful.
I hope your trip gets better.

What saddens me the most about the situation is that the daughter has taken a perfectly innocent, totally silly ritual and destroyed it. As a parent that would hurt me beyond belief because she derailed the pleasure derived from the family ritual instead of playing along with it. Family traditions are sacred and the daughter just decided that the ritual was less important than her own desires. I would be bewildered and hurt and I'd never hide anything in her closet again.

But I'd remember it every single Christmas when I had to hide a gift. I think that's a sad legacy to create.

I always find it disheartening when so many people buy into the idea that teens are automatically going to be rude, disrespectful, jealous of their space/possessions, and otherwise just difficult. At 14 and 17, my girls are not like that at all. They're a joy 98% of the time, and that's as much as anyone can ask of a human being. We really like the young ladies they're turning out to be -- kind, helpful, responsible, good students, able to carry on a conversation with adults -- and all of us enjoy spending time together.

I see these same traits in many of their friends. My girls aren't the only "good teens" out there.

I can't quite grasp the concept either.Maybe sometimes people get what they expect.

IDK...I have to remind myself DD is only 4...YEAH...4 going on 20

As my mom always told me, it might be "cute" at 4 but it will not be cute at 14. I know what you are saying and it can all be in fun, but I see many people let it go when they are little and then as teens they have monsters on their hands.

As Jennasis said, choose your battles--not everything needs to be reeled in but if you even smell any disrespect (etc.) at 4, nip it in the bud. It'll make the teens years much easier. Plus, you have 2! And enjoy every second because you know what? when people say it goes quickly, it DOES. Mine will be 18 in February. It is hard to believe!

You know, when I read some of these responses, it's no wonder teenagers are so screwed up.

The teen needs privacy. The teen was upset. Cry me a river.

The kid knew exactly what she was doing, ruining a Christmas surprise because the people who pay for every single thing she has had the audacity to hide a Christmas gift in her closet without asking Her Highness's permission.

And then she turns it around when she needs a ride that she has the best parents in the world.

The kid would be doing a lot of walking if she were mine.

 

[Acklander]

Sounds like your teen is- being a teen. Why is she spending so much time in her room with the door closed- that is what I would ask myself. I have twin 16yr olds- yes it's fun- our house rules are if you are changing door can close, otherwise they stay open end of story. that is so everyone can know what is going on. I go in all 3 of my girls rooms- looking for stuff, going thru things looking for stuff-
my kids know that if they try to spend too much time in their room or with headphones in their ears, they will get taken away and they will be told go do something else, prefer- with sisters.

I think your DD was being a brat and needs to address what respect your parents mean!

I don't see where the teen spends lots of time in the room with the door closed. She was at work when the cookie jar was put there.
At 16 you still monitor how much time they spend with headphones on, and tell them to go do something with their sisters? And doors open at all times unless changing? Can't they have any time and privacy at all??? Yikes!! While I realize I give my kids a lot of flexibility, and room to grow, and not everyone is comfortable with this, you seem to go to extremes on the other end. This seems overly controlling.

 

[YodaGirl]

I don't see where the teen spends lots of time in the room with the door closed. She was at work when the cookie jar was put there.
At 16 you still monitor how much time they spend with headphones on, and tell them to go do something with their sisters? And doors open at all times unless changing? Can't they have any time and privacy at all??? Yikes!! While I realize I give my kids a lot of flexibility, and room to grow, and not everyone is comfortable with this, you seem to go to extremes on the other end. This seems overly controlling.

I agree.

Just because someone is 16 instead of 46 (or however old), doesn't mean they don't need some privacy at some point.

You have to be able to trust your kids to a certain point. If they can't close their door for 30 minutes just to have some quite time, I feel sorry for them.