My Daughter Is Such A Brat...

[msmayor]

Did you read the whole op? They have been doing this for years, and the OP's daughter should have easily figured it out.

I disagree. Just because its something that's been done for years doesn't mean she should feel awful for questioning a find in a closet.

If NO ONE (meaning Dad) mentioned to her "Hey, I hid mom's gift in your closet, OK?" then she shouldn't be made to feel badly for 'spoiling' a surprise.

Its wrong to require her to 'assume' that anything mysterious left in her closet is a surprise gift.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I disagree. Just because its something that's been done for years doesn't mean she should feel awful for questioning a find in a closet.

If NO ONE (meaning Dad) mentioned to her "Hey, I hid mom's gift in your closet, OK?" then she shouldn't be made to feel badly for 'spoiling' a surprise.

Its wrong to require her to 'assume' that anything mysterious left in her closet is a surprise gift.

I would really hope that at 17, someone would have the capacity to put together a simple equation. Shopping with Mom, saw cookie jar, Mom said she'd like it for Christmas, shows up "hidden" in closet. It's not rocket science.

 

[msmayor]

I would really hope that at 17, someone would have the capacity to put together a simple equation. Shopping with Mom, saw cookie jar, Mom said she'd like it for Christmas, shows up "hidden" in closet. It's not rocket science.

Uh, I just re-read the OP's first post and didn't see anywhere that she mentioned the daughter was WITH her when she spotted the cookie jar...only that she told her husband about it after she got home.

I didn't see anywhere that she told her daughter about it...or that anyone told the daughter about it. Only that she 'assumed' her daughter was 'certain' it was for her.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

IMO, Hidden object in closet (like years past), plus time of year, plus the fact that the object is probably for a female equals that her DD knew exactly what she was doing.

ETA: I do agree that Dad should have told her just to cover his bases.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Uh, I just re-read the OP's first post and didn't see anywhere that she mentioned the daughter was WITH her when she spotted the cookie jar...only that she told her husband about it after she got home.

I didn't see anywhere that she told her daughter about it...or that anyone told the daughter about it. Only that she 'assumed' her daughter was 'certain' it was for her.

My bad, I misread the initial sentence. Still doesn't change my opinion that there were enough facts presented to a 17-year old, to understand what was going on.

 

[kellyg403]

Uh, I just re-read the OP's first post and didn't see anywhere that she mentioned the daughter was WITH her when she spotted the cookie jar...only that she told her husband about it after she got home.

I didn't see anywhere that she told her daughter about it...or that anyone told the daughter about it. Only that she 'assumed' her daughter was 'certain' it was for her.

But the OP clearly stated that mom and dad had historically hid gifts for each other in their children's closet. It didn't just start this year. And I highly doubt that every single year dad said hey, I put something in your closet for mom, shhh. From the original OP, the dd knew this happened each year, no surprises there. If the OP had said her dh never hid her gifts in dd's closet I would agree. However, that was not what she stated. So, with what information was given in clearly sounds like the dd decided to have a go at being a smart aleck that hurt another person's feelings. That is what she did. Mom was pretty sure when she mentioned her want to dad he would get her the gift, so the surprise element has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with it.

The dd, did not, or at least the OP did not say when realizing it was a gift/surprise for mom start to apologize and say I did not know. Had she done that, yeah maybe she didn't realize. But, it doesn't soud like that was the case. The dd hurt her mother's feelings and used her mother's hurt to get even with her dad for going in to her room when she wasn't home. Thats what I am getting from the OP. And honestly, after raising several teens myself I don't think it would be too farfetched to assume that might have happened in this case.

OP, express your disappointment and hurt to your dd. Guidance is always necessary. My chidlren are older now, but even today if they do something that is hurtful or unkind I do not hesitate to mention that it was hurtful or unkind. I would not be doing my job as a mom to let them think at any age they are right to hurt anyone. Trust me, my mom still lets me know when I have hurt her feelings. I, at 48, can still come across as thoughtless when my world is in chaos. It is what it is.

Kelly

 

[Acklander]

IMO, Hidden object in closet (like years past), plus time of year, plus the fact that the object is probably for a female equals that her DD knew exactly what she was doing.

ETA: I do agree that Dad should have told her just to cover his bases.

I agree. She should have figured it out, and dad should have let her know. His putting it there without asking her was being disrespectful of her privacy. She's almost an adult, it's time to treat her as one.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly, even though you've done it in the past, no one should be going into other family member's closets this time of year! I'd be livid if I found a purchased gift for someone else in mine (because I do have gifts stored in there). Maybe your dd had her own gifts stored in there, and felt a little violated.

 

[dngnb8]

I spotted an inexpensive cookie jar at the store the other day and decided against buying it, but told my husband about it after I came home. He went the next day and bought it, and hid it in our 17 yr old daughter's closet, to wrap later for a Christmas gift for me.

For reasons known only to her, our daughter just came into the kitchen and asked why it was in a bag in her closet, naming exactly what the item was. Now, she knew perfectly well it was a gift, as we have been hiding gifts for each other in our childrens' closets for years and she is well aware of it. I am certain she was reasonably sure that it was a gift for me. She was pissed off that her father put it in her room without discussing it with her (she was at work when he brought it home) so she purposely and intentionally ruined the surprise of the gift he had purchased for me.

FTR, I am not upset about knowing about the gift ahead of time. I was 100% sure when I told him about it that he would go and buy it, and really, how excited is somebody going to get about a $15 cookie jar? I am however really steamed that she intentionally ruined her father's surprise for me. It was one little add on gift that he knew I would like and I think that he is hurt that she would deliberately ruin his surprise.

I am pissed off with her for being such a brat, and if I am going to be really honest, my feelings are hurt too, because she did it purposely because she knew it was my gift.

It's stupid, it's just a little gift, but I am really just feeling sad because it just seemed so hateful.

Seems to me, your DD lived up to the jar

 

[msmayor]

There will always be different opinions, I guess. While its certainly disappointing that a surprise was ruined I guess I don't see the need to blow this up into a huge deal. Why create drama over a piece of kitchen storage?

Maybe the daughter just didn't think of a cookie jar as a gift a husband (Dad) would get a wife (Mom). I know neither of my kids would, and if it was one of my kids that 'ruined' the surprise I wouldn't be angry at them. Its not the end of the world.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I understand your feelings about it, OP. That would feel like a zinger.

Good to get it off your chest.

 

[Acklander]

But the OP clearly stated that mom and dad had historically hid gifts for each other in their children's closet. It didn't just start this year. And I highly doubt that every single year dad said hey, I put something in your closet for mom, shhh. From the original OP, the dd knew this happened each year, no surprises there. If the OP had said her dh never hid her gifts in dd's closet I would agree. However, that was not what she stated. So, with what information was given in clearly sounds like the dd decided to have a go at being a smart aleck that hurt another person's feelings.



Kelly

Yes, historically over the years, they have always done this without asking her. But maybe, it's bothered her for years, that they would go into her closet without asking her - and this is her way of saying I want my privacy. A bit passive/aggressive, but maybe it's the only way she could figure out how to say it. Personally, Im the type of person that if I have something to say, I just say it. I'm comfortable with it. But I know many aren't. Whenever I see a post on the Dis about someone complaining about a neighbor they think is taking advantage, or in laws that are over stepping their boundaries when people post how they would handle it about have the posts state a direct approach and about half post a subtle or passive aggressive response of dealing with issues. When I was younger I would beat around the bush, as I aged I learned to be honest up front so there were no hurt feelings or resentment from either party. I gotta say, the direct approach wins hands down.
OP, talk to your daughter about what her intentions were, and how she could have handled it differently. Let her know, it's ok with you if she resents how you do something, that it's open for discussion. Teach her a way to be honest without being hurtful to others. It's a great skill.

 

[merryweather20]

OP, does your daughter have ESP? Her Dad could have even left her a note. Its his responsibility to let her know. If you haven't hid anything this year, and last year you asked her she's not going to have a snowball's chance of remembering that you and her Dad insist on comandeering her closet.

And your house or not, at seventeen she definitely deserves some privacy. With you and her Dad both tromping through her room where is she allowed to hide the Christmas presents she purchased?

her father put something in a bag in her room and she was supposed to know this was a gift! If her father didn't tell her it was one then its his fault not hers.

 

[DVCLiz]

Sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you. Im sure it has something to do with her being almost 18 years old and not having her privacy respected. Is there no where else in your house that you could hide presents other than snooping around in her closet (what she felt, I'm sure).

Some day when your precious children do something like this to you, come back and ask us if we feel sorry for you. We will, because it was mean and moms aren't used to deliberate cruelty from their children. Screwups and teen hormones, yes, but not something that crosses the line like this.

The OP's daughter was mean and obnoxious. I'd be taking away something pretty major just to prove a point. If a teen wants to engage in a power struggle with me, guess what - I'm winning. There was absolutely no reason for the teen to behave this way - even if she felt violated, etc. which is ridiculous in my opinion, she could easily have chosen another way to handle it. "Psst, hey Dad, is that a present for Mom in my closet? Could you guys not do that anymore, please? I have private stuff in my closet." etc. etc.

No reason to spoil her mother's surprise, no matter how small the item.

 

[low-key]

Most 17 year old girls are brats and 17 year old boys are punks

 

[kellyg403]

Yes, historically over the years, they have always done this without asking her. But maybe, it's bothered her for years, that they would go into her closet without asking her - and this is her way of saying I want my privacy. A bit passive/aggressive, but maybe it's the only way she could figure out how to say it. Personally, Im the type of person that if I have something to say, I just say it. I'm comfortable with it. But I know many aren't. Whenever I see a post on the Dis about someone complaining about a neighbor they think is taking advantage, or in laws that are over stepping their boundaries when people post how they would handle it about have the posts state a direct approach and about half post a subtle or passive aggressive response of dealing with issues. When I was younger I would beat around the bush, as I aged I learned to be honest up front so there were no hurt feelings or resentment from either party. I gotta say, the direct approach wins hands down.
OP, talk to your daughter about what her intentions were, and how she could have handled it differently. Let her know, it's ok with you if she resents how you do something, that it's open for discussion. Teach her a way to be honest without being hurtful to others. It's a great skill.

Yes, as we age we learn that being honest up front is way better than hurting someone's feeligs or being passive aggressive about it.

But its also ok for the person who was hurt to be open and honest as well. Its not really, IMHO, all about the teen's privacy and her willingness to handle a situation in an immature way. Its about reminding them that we are better people by treating others as we would like to be treated. At this age it is very important in my book for teens to realize we are not just PARENTS. We are people too. And we get our feelings hurt. And sometimes its disappointing when our children are the ones doing it. Anger no. Disappointment yes.

Kelly

 

[Acklander]

Yes, as we age we learn that being honest up front is way better than hurting someone's feeligs or being passive aggressive about it.

But its also ok for the person who was hurt to be open and honest as well. Its not really, IMHO, all about the teen's privacy and her willingness to handle a situation in an immature way. Its about reminding them that we are better people by treating others as we would like to be treated. At this age it is very important in my book for teens to realize we are not just PARENTS. We are people too. And we get our feelings hurt. And sometimes its disappointing when our children are the ones doing it. Anger no. Disappointment yes.

Kelly

Of course she should let her know that it was hurtful. And yes, we aren't just parents, but are people as well. Just Like 17 year olds aren't just kids but are people as well. If, historically, I hid Santa presents in my neighbors garage every year, I would still ask their permission every year before hiding them there. I feel that they should have asked her permission as well. It's her space, and would have shown her respect. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Sadie22]

Neither parent should be going into a 17-year-old's closet (unless they suspect that an illegal substance may be stored there). I'm sorry, Mom, that you are angry and disappointed that your daughter simply asked why something was there. You and your husband are the ones in the wrong here. The item was not wrapped as a gift for anyone. It was in your daughter's private space and she has every right to question that. What you and your husband have done "for years" needs to change now that she is preparing to take her place as an adult in society. Has it crossed your mind that in her outrage she thought this item was for her? I know my sons would wonder why I bought them such an item if I ever placed something in one of their rooms.

 

[jrmasm]

Some day when your precious children do something like this to you, come back and ask us if we feel sorry for you. We will, because it was mean and moms aren't used to deliberate cruelty from their children. Screwups and teen hormones, yes, but not something that crosses the line like this.

The OP's daughter was mean and obnoxious. I'd be taking away something pretty major just to prove a point. If a teen wants to engage in a power struggle with me, guess what - I'm winning. There was absolutely no reason for the teen to behave this way - even if she felt violated, etc. which is ridiculous in my opinion, she could easily have chosen another way to handle it. "Psst, hey Dad, is that a present for Mom in my closet? Could you guys not do that anymore, please? I have private stuff in my closet." etc. etc.

No reason to spoil her mother's surprise, no matter how small the item.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Of course she should let her know that it was hurtful. And yes, we aren't just parents, but are people as well. Just Like 17 year olds aren't just kids but are people as well. If, historically, I hid Santa presents in my neighbors garage every year, I would still ask their permission every year before hiding them there. I feel that they should have asked her permission as well. It's her space, and would have shown her respect. There is nothing wrong with that.

Your neighbor's garage is their private property, and you should ask. In this situation, while teenagers feel they should have a certain measure of privacy, they should know that so long as it is not their house they do not have 100% privacy.

Just like the threads on cell phones, computers, etc., children under 18 should know that their things are always open for parental inspection without warning.