My Daughter-In-Law

[hentob]

I'm sympathetic to the fact that her father is dying but that doesn't give her behavior a pass.

Well said.

 

[cabanafrau]

Her choice to inform you and others her disapproval about their choices has no doubt been costly to your DIL. Perhaps her revealing that past behavior to you, a recent driveby victim of her critique, may be a glimmer that it's dawning on her that it's not okay to do that -- or at least I hope so for her sake. Unfortunately it may be a pattern of behavior she sticks with her entire life.

Now definitely isn't the time to address the situation. Now is the time to be loving & supportive. Hopefully this issue between you is over and done forever. If it looms in the future, you can find a way to address it then -- just always bear in mind, she's family & you either have to find a way to do business or cease & desist altogether.

 

[Heidict]

I feel bad that she is going through this with her father, it's horrible and I'm sure that she is hurting. In light of her father wanting to do certain things before he dies, maybe her comment about you going to the WDW and to ballgames is her way of realizing that you aren't going to be like him. That you aren't going to wait till you only have a short time to live to really live your life? Maybe she is realizing that you are living your life now, and enjoying it and she is just realizing that.

She reallly needs to learn some decorum and that she has no say in how others live their lifes and that she needs to keep her judgemental opinions to herself. She really is a bit crazy but maybe this incident with her father is making her realize that she shouldn't be calling people up and going off on them?

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

I have a difficult dil myself. Mine is far more over the top but I see a commonality here. Might your dil not have had any control over her life as a child and now feels the need to exert 'control" now?

It must be difficult for your son but as a mil we have to bite our tongues, be there when we are needed and asked, and pray a lot, a whole lot.

I have read about the "good old days" when dil's had to cater to us but those days are long gone.

Please enjoy your life and do not let anyone else tell you how to live it. Chances are they will not be there if you should ever be in need. Take care of yourself.

SG

 

[DVC Sadie]

Nope, she didn't apologize. I really think maybe she decided in light of her father's sickness to let me slide.

This has knocked her for a loop as it would anyone.

I was most surprised to hear that she does this to people. I'm like "what the heck"? Didn't ask it out loud, she is dealing with a tough blow right now.

Penny

lucyanna girl,

Your DIL may have been apologizing in the only way she knows how. I jusat can't figure out in what world she thinks that it's okay to call people out of the blue to tell someone how they should live their lives.

I am sorry DIL is going through this with her father but it sure does seem "funny" in a strange kind of way that she is now giving you and your family the go ahead to live your own lives. Talk about a control freak in a whackadoodle kind of way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wouldn't call her "kook" or "loony", I read the OPs posts about her DIL. While I agree that some things said were not the best choice of words, I also think that there is two sides to this story and we are getting one side of it all. I imagine that if it was the DIL coming out and tell her side, there would be some sympathy and side-taking. I also think that the arguement that the DIL and the OP had was kind of petty and why was there an update on this anyways? It could of just been "Hey, talked to her, her dad is sick, a lot of things had happened, alot going on right now" why was the arguement mentioned again? It seems to me that the DIL is trying to make bygones, the "ok with her going to Disney or ballgames" didn't appear to me to be like asking permission but rather as saying she would not complain anymore about it.

I totally agree with this.
I never saw the DIL's comments as 'permission' in any way whatsoever.

This is all VERY painfully one sided.
With the OP having never said one word to indicate that she has made any effort here whatsoever. It just seems that the OP's WONDERFUL life is just so busy and incredibly wonderful that she cannot find one hour or one weekend to make her DIL's children her focus/priority. There have been nothing but excuses... (but, it is too far away, but we have high school football, but we have a business, but , but, but.....) But, she is 'perfect' and the DIL is bona-fide 'loony-toons'.

I stand by my initial post here on this thread.

I do not think that the DIL's 'change of heart' means that she now agrees with the OP's priorities, which she seems to feel exclude her children (the OP's grandchildren). I just think that it means that she realizes that no matter how slighted she feels, that she realizes she cannot impose her priorities on others.

I know that this is a pretty strong post, and that I am kind of flaming the OP.

But, there are always two sides.
And, now that I have been more outspoken (why I am bothering, I don't know....) I will simply back away from this thread.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't call her "kook" or "loony", I read the OPs posts about her DIL. While I agree that some things said were not the best choice of words, I also think that there is two sides to this story and we are getting one side of it all. I imagine that if it was the DIL coming out and tell her side, there would be some sympathy and side-taking. I also think that the arguement that the DIL and the OP had was kind of petty and why was there an update on this anyways? It could of just been "Hey, talked to her, her dad is sick, a lot of things had happened, alot going on right now" why was the arguement mentioned again? It seems to me that the DIL is trying to make bygones, the "ok with her going to Disney or ballgames" didn't appear to me to be like asking permission but rather as saying she would not complain anymore about it.

ITA with the bolded. I'm sure the news about her father has made her see things in a whole new light, and while she could have said it differently, it sounds like she is just saying that she personally sees the things the OP does differently now.

 

[golfgal]

Another thing, what makes the DIL's life "right" and everyone else's wrong???

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow--what a sad way to have an epiphany. Glad she "came around" to see your side of things. Sad for her that it had to be under such horrible circumstances.


I don't for one minute think she would let bygones be bygones if not for the tragic circumstances.

And I would expect, she has potential to regress after her father passes. So this ain't over.

 

[Boxley]

Another thing, what makes the DIL's life "right" and everyone else's wrong???

That is just opening up old conversations on here and that is why I am stating that this post and others are from the OP's perspective and not the DIL, if the DIL is allowed to explain herself I bet it is a whole other story. Reading the Op's posts it seems that there was a lot of things that could be taken out of context,not stated right or some little facts that could make the OP look in a negative light were out of the explanations, we don't really know. I think namecalling(not you, but in general throughout this thread) here is not only childish but does not help the OP at all. Of course, we have to take the Op's words because the DIL isn't here to explain herself but then again you don't know the DIL's side of this. I think that there is more to this story then is being led on.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Can I just say that I have ILs that live too far to visit/babysit on a regular occurence. When MIL comes to visit, it is to visit with her sisters and not us. If we want to see her we make an appointment. Seriously, we set a time and go to wherever she is. Most of the time, she doesn't have time for us and if we want to see her we go to FLA. It is her life. It is her decision. While my family is not like this, I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS call her and tell her that I feel that her actions are wrong.

I don't care what the DIL may have thought, or what reason there was behind her call, she has no place to reprimand the OP. If the OP is that bad of a grandmother (not saying she is), the grandkids will see it when they are older. My DD gravitates to my parents much more than ILs. And my parents live further away than ILs.

Glad you have permission to go to WDW and the football games.

 

[padams]

Wishing on a Star makes some good points above.

This next year will be difficult for DIL. If OP wants to be a good MIL, then I suggest making more time to visit DS and DIL (and being helpful while there, not a houseguest to be entertained), and offering to take the grandkids for weekends (even if it means giving up some football games or WDW trips)- no excuses that it's too far away.

I think DIL's original venting of frustration may have been about how little time OP spends with her adult children compared to the one at home. I think she was trying to ask you to be more involved in their lives. Clearly, she and the other DIL share the same thoughts. I suspect DIL was trying to tell OP that OP's priorities of football games and WDW trips seem to take precedence over the grandchildren.

My MIL spends far more time with my SIL and her family than she does with us or BIL's family. We hear all about her travels and the parties she attends, but then she will complain that she doesn't get to see the grandkids enough. My kids are now old enough to figure out on their own that "Grandma" would rather go on vacation or go to a party than see them. They also see the favoritism with SIL's kids. In the long run, it will be DMIL's loss.

 

[luvmy3]

Wow--what a sad way to have an epiphany. Glad she "came around" to see your side of things. Sad for her that it had to be under such horrible circumstances.


I don't for one minute think she would let bygones be bygones if not for the tragic circumstances.
And I would expect, she has potential to regress after her father passes. So this ain't over.

But does that matter?
All I know is that when dh lost his mother to cancer, he and his siblings were profoundly changed. I wouldn't judge what happens in the future based on her past behavior. In the past her father wasn't dying.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I totally agree with this.
I never saw the DIL's comments as 'permission' in any way whatsoever.

This is all VERY painfully one sided.
With the OP having never said one word to indicate that she has made any effort here whatsoever. It just seems that the OP's WONDERFUL life is just so busy and incredibly wonderful that she cannot find one hour or one weekend to make her DIL's children her focus/priority. There have been nothing but excuses... (but, it is too far away, but we have high school football, but we have a business, but , but, but.....) But, she is 'perfect' and the DIL is bona-fide 'loony-toons'.

I stand by my initial post here on this thread.

I do not think that the DIL's 'change of heart' means that she now agrees with the OP's priorities, which she seems to feel exclude her children (the OP's grandchildren). I just think that it means that she realizes that no matter how slighted she feels, that she realizes she cannot impose her priorities on others.

I know that this is a pretty strong post, and that I am kind of flaming the OP.

But, there are always two sides.
And, now that I have been more outspoken (why I am bothering, I don't know....) I will simply back away from this thread.

She had said she had been to some of her sons games that she sees her grandchildren BUT she lives 3 hours away. If she works as well she isn't going to be as available as the brat wants her to be nor should she the ops whole live does not center about her children she also has a life to lead and to be expected to live up to the standards of a self absorbed brat is not the way to go. Yes she is in pain now but how much pain has she inflicted on others by criticing their life. Sympathy she doesn't need a reality check she does. She has no right to tell anyone how to live their life.

 

[Boxley]

And what is the bet that those other people she 'spoke her mind to' are now telling her that they are sorry her father is dying but Karma is a witch and because she has hurt them, they are unwilling to lend a friendly ear now.

So now she is on her own, wants her friends but has none

To the first part bolded, can you explain that?
So, you two hung out before?

To PaulaSB12

I don't get how seeing the grandkids more often makes the DIL a brat, perhaps she just wants the grandmother to see them more often. Also, its fine to live your own life, but sometimes there should be some consideration for family and obviously putting so much attention on one set of grandkids while another doesn't see grandma much is going to hurt someone.

Also, namecalling? Really? Didn't win any Debate Club trophies, did you?

 

[lucyanna girl]

I'm not going to defend myself here.

I asked for advice because I honestly could not understand why I was verbally blind-sided about trivial things.

Am I a perfect mother or mother-in-law? No, but I am not an awful one either.

My daughter-in-law needs all the help and support she can get right now and she will get it.

Penny

 

[Jennasis]

I'm not going to defend myself here.

I asked for advice because I honestly could not understand why I was verbally blind-sided about trivial things.

Am I a perfect mother or mother-in-law? No, but I am not an awful one either.

My daughter-in-law needs all the help and support she can get right now and she will get it.

Penny

You're good people.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

You're good people.

I completely agree!

 

[NMAmy]

That is just opening up old conversations on here and that is why I am stating that this post and others are from the OP's perspective and not the DIL, if the DIL is allowed to explain herself I bet it is a whole other story. Reading the Op's posts it seems that there was a lot of things that could be taken out of context,not stated right or some little facts that could make the OP look in a negative light were out of the explanations, we don't really know. I think namecalling(not you, but in general throughout this thread) here is not only childish but does not help the OP at all. Of course, we have to take the Op's words because the DIL isn't here to explain herself but then again you don't know the DIL's side of this. I think that there is more to this story then is being led on.

You're never going to get both sides of the story on a message board and very rarely would you get it in real life. Sometimes you just have to decide if you believe a poster's take on the situation as genuine. I've seen the OP's posts over the years and don't take her as someone who is overly dramatic or posting to make herself look better.

I never quite understand when people post something like the quote above. It's a message board. You're not going to get both sides of a story on ANY post. The poster who had someone be rude to them at a grocery store may have a different story than the person who was rude to them. There's no way to know ever.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You don't understand posts like Boxley's and mine???
I will explain...
We are not here to flame the OP.
Personally, I can say that I have posted on these two threads in order to help the OP try to see that there are TWO sides, and that she may need to open her eyes and even compromise in order to come to a positive resolution. So, yes 'positive resolution' has been my only motive in posting here.

(Neither Boxley or I have any delusions of being privy to the DILS side.... But there ARE always two sides.)

My daughter-in-law needs all the help and support she can get right now and she will get it.
Penny

All I can say here is... WOW, what an epiphany...
What a far cry from the "I am perfect and she is way out in left field and I am not going to make any effort to do anything..... excuses, excuses, excuses..."

Hopefully, it would appear that the DIL is not the only one here who is coming to some revelations.