My Daughter-In-Law

[luvmy3]

I'm not going to defend myself here.

I asked for advice because I honestly could not understand why I was verbally blind-sided about trivial things.

Am I a perfect mother or mother-in-law? No, but I am not an awful one either.

My daughter-in-law needs all the help and support she can get right now and she will get it.
Penny

I think that its wonderful that you can put aside whatever issues you have with your DIL during this time for her. I know of a few MIL's who would never do that

 

[4nana]

Had to go back and research some of what you're going through Penny. Yikes, I'm so sorry to hear your DIL's disrespect towards you sweetie. Honestly, I feel like I know you from all your wonderful posts about your family and you seem like a very devoted DM and involved DGM who’s simply trying her best. Truthfully I am shocked your DIL had the nerve to talk to you this way , as it's obvious you have done the best possible for all your family, including your DS & DIL’s long distant family also. We have 2 kids with 6 grands near, and also 2 kids with 7 grands 6 hrs away, so I do know about the delicate balance DP's and GP’s work to maintain.

Personally, I admire people for begin involved and living life to the fullest, no matter their age. I think DIL is overwhelmed balancing things, also has some issues by being spoiled by visit to her Mom's and her 8 aunts who take over all her Mom obligations when she visits. Also sounds as tho she jealous of your close relationship your youngest DD Sarah and you having such a grand time with your extended family, that perhaps she never had. If she has done this before to others, she sadly really needs to rethink her actions before causing so much family disharmony. However, I think you've handled it 'with class' and that last phone message does sound like an attempt to apologize in her own way.

In light of her father's sad health situation, I really feel sorry for her . I totally agree, this does not give her a free pass for her actions towards you. However, with her Dad's sad news, her world is about to come tumbling down quickly. She is not only going to learn a lot about herself, but will need the love and support of your DS, you and family. She is soon going to be very grateful she is in such a loving supportive extended family and hopefully everything will return full circle.

Godspeed her Dad and I send best wishes to all involved. I know you've had some sleepless nights and shed some tears, but please don't let this negative energy rob your spirit . Keep in mind you can't please everyone, nor control their feelings. Always remember, this too shall pass.

 

[AlleyKat]

I don't for one minute think she would let bygones be bygones if not for the tragic circumstances.

And I would expect, she has potential to regress after her father passes. So this ain't over.

 

[Jennasis]

You don't understand posts like Boxley's and mine???
I will explain...
We are not here to flame the OP.
Personally, I can say that I have posted on these two threads in order to help the OP try to see that there are TWO sides, and that she may need to open her eyes and even compromise in order to come to a positive resolution. So, yes 'positive resolution' has been my only motive in posting here.

(Neither Boxley or I have any delusions of being privy to the DILS side.... But there ARE always two sides.)




All I can say here is... WOW, what an epiphany...
What a far cry from the "I am perfect and she is way out in left field and I am not going to make any effort to do anything..... excuses, excuses, excuses..."

Hopefully, it would appear that the DIL is not the only one here who is coming to some revelations.

Why do you insist on putting words in the OP's mouth. If you can produce a single post where the OP said she was perfect (which you seem to keep harping on) then I'll eat my hat.

I'll have to go out and buy a hat first...but I'll eat it!

 

[rie'smom]

To be fair, I think since this is a hard time for her,she is lashing out about her feelings. I think she was on the deep end with you but then again, there seems to be a lot on her plate right now and sympathy is needed more then ever. People deal with things in different ways. And perhaps her telling you how things are, and how she acts is a way of apologizing, like saying she was misguided about things. Just because you don't use the word "sorry" doesn't mean it is not an apology, or perhaps she is trying to show you her side. There are some people who cannot apologize and it is hard for them. Perhaps from your other post in which the DIL was going off on your going on trips, that perhaps she feels that is unfair that while you can go around and have fun trips you will have the chance to hang around your grandkids while her father will not have the chance. I am not saying she was not wrong in her actions but there should be more insight.

She lashed out at Penny before she even knew her dad was ill.

I wouldn't call her "kook" or "loony", I read the OPs posts about her DIL. While I agree that some things said were not the best choice of words, I also think that there is two sides to this story and we are getting one side of it all. I imagine that if it was the DIL coming out and tell her side, there would be some sympathy and side-taking. I also think that the arguement that the DIL and the OP had was kind of petty and why was there an update on this anyways? It could of just been "Hey, talked to her, her dad is sick, a lot of things had happened, alot going on right now" why was the arguement mentioned again? It seems to me that the DIL is trying to make bygones, the "ok with her going to Disney or ballgames" didn't appear to me to be like asking permission but rather as saying she would not complain anymore about it.

I totally agree with this.
I never saw the DIL's comments as 'permission' in any way whatsoever.

This is all VERY painfully one sided.
With the OP having never said one word to indicate that she has made any effort here whatsoever. It just seems that the OP's WONDERFUL life is just so busy and incredibly wonderful that she cannot find one hour or one weekend to make her DIL's children her focus/priority. There have been nothing but excuses... (but, it is too far away, but we have high school football, but we have a business, but , but, but.....) But, she is 'perfect' and the DIL is bona-fide 'loony-toons'.

I stand by my initial post here on this thread.

I do not think that the DIL's 'change of heart' means that she now agrees with the OP's priorities, which she seems to feel exclude her children (the OP's grandchildren). I just think that it means that she realizes that no matter how slighted she feels, that she realizes she cannot impose her priorities on others.

I know that this is a pretty strong post, and that I am kind of flaming the OP.

But, there are always two sides.
And, now that I have been more outspoken (why I am bothering, I don't know....) I will simply back away from this thread.

That is just opening up old conversations on here and that is why I am stating that this post and others are from the OP's perspective and not the DIL, if the DIL is allowed to explain herself I bet it is a whole other story. Reading the Op's posts it seems that there was a lot of things that could be taken out of context,not stated right or some little facts that could make the OP look in a negative light were out of the explanations, we don't really know. I think namecalling(not you, but in general throughout this thread) here is not only childish but does not help the OP at all. Of course, we have to take the Op's words because the DIL isn't here to explain herself but then again you don't know the DIL's side of this. I think that there is more to this story then is being led on.

If the fact that Penny posted an update is so bothersome, there is an option not to open the thread.
Some people have their own in law problems and put their own bias into their posts. not saying this is happening with you 2 but it does happen.

Penny, I'm glad you posted because I wondered if things had become less tense.

You're good people.

 

[merryweather20]

You don't understand posts like Boxley's and mine???
I will explain...
We are not here to flame the OP.
Personally, I can say that I have posted on these two threads in order to help the OP try to see that there are TWO sides, and that she may need to open her eyes and even compromise in order to come to a positive resolution. So, yes 'positive resolution' has been my only motive in posting here.

(Neither Boxley or I have any delusions of being privy to the DILS side.... But there ARE always two sides.)




All I can say here is... WOW, what an epiphany...
What a far cry from the "I am perfect and she is way out in left field and I am not going to make any effort to do anything..... excuses, excuses, excuses..."

Hopefully, it would appear that the DIL is not the only one here who is coming to some revelations.

Oops! According to the bolded part you didn't read the OP's previous posts at all.

 

[RUDisney]

Penny, I'm sorry to see that this is the way that things got resolved. I'd wished that she'd have her epiphany in some other light.

However, I know you'll do the right thing by her throughout this hard period of time for her and her family. Hopefully, she's learned (or will learn) what matters and what doesn't.

Maybe she'll come to realize that life is meant to be lived because we don't know how long we've got. My BFF's mother learned that the hard way when her DH passed away unexpectedly. They were waiting for their kids to be grown and through medical school before they traveled. Her Dad never got to travel. Her Mom now travels with her single DD.

Her kids learned that they should travel as much and as often as they can with or without their children so that everyone has the good memories that their mother wishes she had.

 

[PaulaSB12]

To the first part bolded, can you explain that?
So, you two hung out before?

To PaulaSB12

I don't get how seeing the grandkids more often makes the DIL a brat, perhaps she just wants the grandmother to see them more often. Also, its fine to live your own life, but sometimes there should be some consideration for family and obviously putting so much attention on one set of grandkids while another doesn't see grandma much is going to hurt someone.

Also, namecalling? Really? Didn't win any Debate Club trophies, did you?

She lives 3 miles away she has one child at home. Who do you think she is going to see more of? If she works her time is going to be limited don't you think she isn't going to be able to just drop everything to see her grand children and nor should she be expected to she does still have a life to lead. As for debate club trophies? we don't have debate clubs. I called her a brat because she is one she calls people up to critise how they live. Who died and put her in charge? From the way the op mentioned her behaviour when she does visit she treats her guests like unpaid servants rather than welcome guests which probably doesn't help.

 

[beachlover9395]

Bumping this up for the evening crowd...

Not much to add, except unfortunately, eventually, this is probably not the last you'll ever hear about this. Hopefully, her new outlook is permanent, but only time will tell.

Very sorry about her father's terminal cancer. There will difficult days ahead for her and her family.

 

[shortbun]

Poor child. She obviously feels she must solve the problems of the world. This 'my father is dying' thing is not going to be easy for her. As a control freak who just lost both parents in two years, I know. I'm glad she's understanding your lifestyle a little more now. Hopefully someday she'll lighten up. I really feel for her; she's in for a rocky ride.