My Daughter-In-Law

[lucyanna girl]

For all of those you tried to help me understand my daughter-in-law I have an update.

After her message saying she wanted time before we talked I left her alone. Talked to my son a couple of times and talked to my grandson and asked after mama and baby and left it at that.

A week ago she called me. Her father (fifty some odd years old) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was fine (so he thought) one week, started experiencing some stomach troubles, went to the ER, was hospitalized and tests showed cancer of the liver and lungs. VERY poor chance of living a year.

My daughter-in-law told me this has made her see things in a different light and that if I want to go to WDW and ballgames it is OK with her. (I didn't tell her I intended to anyway). She did tell me that she does this (calling people up and telling them how she feels about the way they live their lives) from time to time and named several that she has done this to. I had no idea she had ever done this before.

I am so sorry for her parents and for daughter-in-law and her sister. This man has two barely three year old grandchildren and two who are infants. The odds are none will remember him if things go as fast as the doctors are telling him. My son plans to talk to him about making videos for them to play for the babies so they will know who he was.

I have to admit that I found it ironic that one of her main goals is to make sure her father gets to do some "fun things" that he has said he wants to do before he goes when a couple of weeks ago she was asking what was wrong with me because I do things I enjoy.

So, there you are. I will try and help daughter-in-law in any way I can. She is going to have a rough time facing her.

Penny

 

[MAKmom]

OMG...I feel horrible for her family & yours. But she is little crazy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW!!!

Thanks for the update.

It does shed a glimmer of light on this young woman and her frame of mind.

Hhhhhmmmm???? Could she be thinking "My poor father will never get a chance to get to know his grandchildren and spend time with them growing up. This time is precious. Life is short. And my MIL seems to make little effort spend time with these grandchildren, choosing to stay at home with one particular child, go to high school football games and theme parks, etc."

I wonder if there is a message, hidden between the lines, in her explanation re: her father.

I wonder if 'seeing things in a different light' refers to how, no matter what, she should not create drama and hard feelings...
( I am noting her comments admitting that she has been misguided and has done that in the past.)
Not that she actually agrees with your priorities.

 

[Jennasis]

Definitely sheds some light on the whole thing. Wonder who else she's sprung her "my-views-on-your-life" spiel?

Hugs to you and your family.

 

[lucyanna girl]

WOW!!!

Thanks for the update.

It does shed a glimmer of light on this young woman and her frame of mind.

Hhhhhmmmm???? Could she be thinking "My poor father will never get a chance to get to know his grandchildren and spend time with them growing up. This time is precious. Life is short. And my MIL seems to make little effort spend time with these grandchildren, choosing to stay at home with one particular child, go to high school football games and theme parks, etc."

I wonder if there is a message, hidden between the lines, in her explanation re: her father.

I wonder if 'seeing things in a different light' refers to how, no matter what, she should not create drama and hard feelings...
( I am noting her comments admitting that she has been misguided and has done that before)
Not that she actually agrees with your priorities.

She called me to point out her concerns long before she had any idea her father was sick. Maybe I did not make that clear. Her father did not find out he was sick for almost two weeks after she called me.

Penny

 

[disykat]

My daughter-in-law told me this has made her see things in a different light and that if I want to go to WDW and ballgames it is OK with her. (I didn't tell her I intended to anyway). She did tell me that she does this (calling people up and telling them how she feels about the way they live their lives) from time to time and named several that she has done this to. I had no idea she had ever done this before.

But did she apologize for her behavior?

 

[MAKmom]

She called me to point out her concerns long before she had any idea her father was sick. Maybe I did not make that clear. Her father did not find out he was sick for almost two weeks after she called me.

Penny

You were clear about this. I was at our Home Coming in the rain this weekend & I was thinking about you. No one tail gates here but they do feed the players.

 

[Planogirl]

You might just have to accept that she will be one of those wacky, off-kilter family members that most of us have. She definitely sounds a bit out there.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Nope, she didn't apologize. I really think maybe she decided in light of her father's sickness to let me slide.

This has knocked her for a loop as it would anyone.

I was most surprised to hear that she does this to people. I'm like "what the heck"? Didn't ask it out loud, she is dealing with a tough blow right now.

Penny

 

[MAKmom]

Nope, she didn't apologize. I really think maybe she decided in light of her father's sickness to let me slide.

This has knocked her for a loop as it would anyone.

I was most surprised to hear that she does this to people. I'm like "what the heck"? Didn't ask it out loud, she is dealing with a tough blow right now.

Penny

Someday you have to ask your son about it He must really get it from her.

 

[golfgal]

I think your son should have a talk with his wife about what she does and that it isn't OK. Eventually she will alienate everyone she knows. Why would she think that is ok to do???? Weird.

 

[rie'smom]

Cue the theme from the Twilight Zone. Sorry Penny she's looney.

 

[alexandria674]

Nope, she didn't apologize. I really think maybe she decided in light of her father's sickness to let me slide.

This has knocked her for a loop as it would anyone.

I was most surprised to hear that she does this to people. I'm like "what the heck"? Didn't ask it out loud, she is dealing with a tough blow right now.

Penny

To be fair, I think since this is a hard time for her,she is lashing out about her feelings. I think she was on the deep end with you but then again, there seems to be a lot on her plate right now and sympathy is needed more then ever. People deal with things in different ways. And perhaps her telling you how things are, and how she acts is a way of apologizing, like saying she was misguided about things. Just because you don't use the word "sorry" doesn't mean it is not an apology, or perhaps she is trying to show you her side. There are some people who cannot apologize and it is hard for them. Perhaps from your other post in which the DIL was going off on your going on trips, that perhaps she feels that is unfair that while you can go around and have fun trips you will have the chance to hang around your grandkids while her father will not have the chance. I am not saying she was not wrong in her actions but there should be more insight.

 

[Sammy]

....My daughter-in-law told me this has made her see things in a different light and that if I want to go to WDW and ballgames it is OK with her.....

While I think it's terrible that she has to deal with her father's illness, this sentence really gets me. She's now giving you "permission" to go out and live your life the way you want to?

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'm happy you got closure on this, but really sorry your son went and married a kook.

Before you drop your guard I'd like to tell you a story. I'm not wishing any of this on you but considering your DIL's behavior I think you should be prepared to avoid her when her Dad passes.

When I was a kid one of my Uncles got Testicular cancer, my grandmother's daughters husband. It was pretty bad but he survived. Then my Grandfather died and my Grandmother re-married an absolutely wonderful man. Franky the only decent man in the family. So anyway 22 years go by and my Grandmother eventually dies. My step Grandfather is still in the picture for parties and stuff. Then 2 years later this uncle who survived Testicular cancer gets Pancreatic Cancer and he dies. At his funeral, and I am not lying, his daughter/my cousin, slides over to me in a silent but venomous rage saying why is her father dead when our step grandfather who should be dead is still walking around.

I guess this is somewhat common because a friend of mine said almost the same thing recently. Her Mom got Cervical cancer and as she was dying this friend kept saying: How can it be that MY mother is dying when MIL is so much less healthy. We all thought MIL who is older would die first... she should be the one dying".

Loss highlights all our qualities. Since your DIL is prone to cruelty I'd give her lots of room. When her Dad dies send a card, send flowers, give your condolences in the presence of your son, but whatever you do DO NOT answer the phone or the door if it's her.

 

[Boxley]

I wouldn't call her "kook" or "loony", I read the OPs posts about her DIL. While I agree that some things said were not the best choice of words, I also think that there is two sides to this story and we are getting one side of it all. I imagine that if it was the DIL coming out and tell her side, there would be some sympathy and side-taking. I also think that the arguement that the DIL and the OP had was kind of petty and why was there an update on this anyways? It could of just been "Hey, talked to her, her dad is sick, a lot of things had happened, alot going on right now" why was the arguement mentioned again? It seems to me that the DIL is trying to make bygones, the "ok with her going to Disney or ballgames" didn't appear to me to be like asking permission but rather as saying she would not complain anymore about it.

 

[RadioNate]

I think your son should have a talk with his wife about what she does and that it isn't OK. Eventually she will alienate everyone she knows. Why would she think that is ok to do???? Weird.

I agree. Why does she think it is ok to call people and tell them what she thinks is 'wrong' with how they live their lives?

I'm sympathetic to the fact that her father is dying but that doesn't give her behavior a pass.

Who put her in charge that she actually has the gall to "ok" your life?

You are a sweet woman because even though in the 1st thread I mentioned that her feeling might be coming from a place of hurt.

Now that I know she does this to others, she is just crazy!

 

[NMAmy]

My daughter-in-law told me this has made her see things in a different light and that if I want to go to WDW and ballgames it is OK with her. (I didn't tell her I intended to anyway).

How very generous of her.

She did tell me that she does this (calling people up and telling them how she feels about the way they live their lives) from time to time and named several that she has done this to. I had no idea she had ever done this before.

What the heck makes her think that it's okay to do this on a regular basis? She's a loon.

I am sorry for what she's going through--we went through something similar with my FIL--one week he was fine and the next week he was in the hospital with terminal cancer. It's devestating. Perhaps seeing how quickly we can lose a loved one will teach this woman that she should pay more attention to how she's living her own life and less attention to how everyone else choose to live theirs.

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow. So she gave you permission to live your life the way you want? I feel badly for your son, she must me a handful when she decides that she has the right to tell people what she thinks about their personal choices. My first husbands sister was like this, one day she was fine, the next she would tell you exactly what she thought of you, involve the rest of the family, get mad if they disagreed with her and then the next day be hurt that you avoided her at a family function. She was so divisive that before she died her list of friends and family who tolerated her could be counted on one hand with fingers left over. It was sad.

 

[teskak]

And what is the bet that those other people she 'spoke her mind to' are now telling her that they are sorry her father is dying but Karma is a witch and because she has hurt them, they are unwilling to lend a friendly ear now.

So now she is on her own, wants her friends but has none