God bless you, honey.
It is difficult to bury a parent, whether you have a good or bad relationship with them. They represent safety, completeness, the proof that you are a child. We lose a lot of this when we lose them, the pain is real and the feelings are real.
Do whatever you can to get yourself through this. You cannot turn back time and make everything right, that was not your position or your choice as the child in this situation. We are to honor our parents, and I can tell that you do.
Hang in there and find some solace, without guilt, in this trial. That is how to survive it.
Robinrs