My dad, his "girlfriends" and DS...Need advice/opinions (long)

[Rikersmom]

Colin is 13 months old? I really don't think he will care who shows up with his grandfather. I understand that you might be hoping to set up some kind of precedent for meeting future lady friends. Kids are so amazing--I think Colin will do just fine.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Originally posted by amid chaos
I'm sure Colin has met many of your friends..well these are Pawpaws friends.

What she said! I have been in the same position, parents divorced when I was six. I have alway just introduced the girlfriends to my sons as grandpa's friend.

I am sorry this is so hard on you. Be well, and good luck!

Michelle

 

[Miss Jasmine]

To be honest, it sounde like you are having issues with the "friends" yourself. Divorce is never easy and the effects last a lifetime. There also seems to be a lot of questions still in the air with you over this. Divorce needs to be talked about, just like someone being sick and dying. It's a shame your parents weren't more open with you about their divorce as you grew up (I don't mean that you need all the details, but just some general things). Perhaps you need to spend some time working through these things. I know when my Dad died (when I was 11) and my mom started dating I threw a literal fit whenever she brought someone around. My mom did not handle her dating in the right way and we still have some hard feelings about it. So I can understand how you feel.

With regard to your DS, I don't think there is any harm in meeting Paw-Paw's friend.

 

[SC Minnie]

As I said my parents divorced when I was adult and I knew all the details. My Mom even told me about things that had been going on their whole marriage but she kept them from the kids. For her sake she should have left a long time ago.

Maybe you need to talk to your parents and find out the general reasons behind the divorce but please don't take sides that will effect your relationship with either. It sounds like your Mom might need to see a counselor too so she can cope with it too. That is a long time to be without a companion. She needs to realize that not every man will be like your Dad was to her. Maybe if she met someone and was happy that would help you deal with for Dad's new relationships. You see him happy but she isn't kind of thing.

You need lots of because it was tough for me but I realized that being with other people was the best thing for both of them.

 

[danacara]

I've been through this, though I never had the residual feelings you do, I've always really liked the men my mother dated and the women my father saw. They tend to date quality and I realized pretty early on that the more these people liked me, the better the quality of my own life ("Dana, come to dinner with us ...") So my advice to you ... treat every single one of these women as though she were THE ONE. Your son is so young, he won't remember any of this. You have a chance to make a friend here early on and on the off chance that one of these women marries your father, you need that woman to like you, if you want your father to play a dominant role in Colin's life later on.

 

[skuttle]

Thanks for the honest replies. I really do appreciate them. And I know I still have some hard feelings for some reason that I really do need to just get over since it's been so long. I've always thought of these women as my dad's girlfriends and was thinking that's how they'd be introduced to DS. I think calling them just his friends will work out just fine...It will make me feel better at least. Ugh...why this still bothers me is beyond me...I really need to let it go, I know.

Forgot to add...I think maybe a lot of my hard feelings this time around is due to his last girlfriend that we met for Christmas. She was the mom of someone I went to highschool with and was in band with...that kinda freaked me out for some reason. My hometown is a small town, so I know it shouldn't bother me.

I also don't want to hurt my mom's feelings and I just think that if she knew about these women it would hurt her...I think that's the biggest reason why I don't like this dating stuff.

Like I said before...I've never been rude to these women (okay...maybe a little to the first but the whole thing just really messed me up at first...and I did eventually come around...even bought her a christmas present one year and she ended up not being around that christmas. Daddy never tells me when he starts or stops dating someone...he just shows up with them for lunch one day and then one day they just aren't there anymore...he's not much of a talker.) I will say...thanks to you guys...I will make an effort to be nice and just normal with the woman we meet on Saturday.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH used to hate his stepmom for the longest time. Then it finally hit him, 20yrs later, but it was his dad that was the one he was angry at. Hating his stepmom was a shield for protecting himself from the feelings he had about his dad, like "displacement".

If you can sit down with one or both parents and discuss things I think you can begin your journey to healing.
I don't think you "started" healing yet. That is why you are having these strong feelings still.

Since you seem to have a relationship then it is probably good to talk it over with them or a counselor perhaps.

As far as my dh, the result was the opposite. It still hurts but he is able to move forward. It was hard to accept that his dad didn't care about him.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by skuttle
I also don't want to hurt my mom's feelings and I just think that if she knew about these women it would hurt her...I think that's the biggest reason why I don't like this dating stuff.

It's not your responsibility to protect your mother from having her feelings hury over your father's friends. Her feelings are her own and you cannot change them. I would bet that she knows that her ex dates other people and you're making yourself crazy by *still* putting yourself in the middle. {{hugs}}

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I sort of know what you are going through. My grandma passed away a couple of years ago and my grandpa started dating this "lady friend." For some reason it drives me nuts when he calls her his girlfriend and that they sleep in the same bed together. My grandma's pictures have now been replaced by her pictures and she is now asking him why he wants to be buried by his "first wife." I know I should be happy for him and that he found someone else, but it drives me crazy with someone trying to replace my grandma. This lady even knew my grandma.

 

[caitycaity]

Originally posted by Keli
I think maybe you should just go with the flow on this and let your son meet these women. I think as long as they are introduced as paw-paw's 'friend' it won't be a big deal to your ds. But I can see how this would still be hard for you, because I know it would be hard for me if I were you. As someone else stated, there are some things that you just don't get over and divorce of my parents would be one for me.

i know it must be hard. my parents are still together, but my mom and i were talking about something similar recently and she was surprised when i said it would upset me if she and my dad ever got divorced. i've been married and on my own for several years now, but it still hurts. my dh's parents divorced when he was 7 and i know it's something that he still has issues with. (((hugs)))

 

[stego]

well, clearly there are a couple of things that standout.
Your dad's biz is just that: his biz. Who he lives with, who he dates is: his biz. Who you play tonkas with at your house, who you play bingo with at your house, if your house is painted pink with yellow polka dots...
if the cookie monster leaves cookies on your lawn: that's your business.
However, YOUR relationship between your father and you is just that: YOUR business. Tell him how you feel. He might nod his head twenty times. He might not do anything. The result will pretty much be the same: you got it off your chest.
Maybe as an adult you can tell him how you felt about the divorce between your parents. Even though it was THEIR relationship-it clearly WAS your business. You might tell your mom how you feel.
And that's what it comes down to: feelings. Talk to your husband.
Tell him how you feel. THEN: Get on with your life. It appears your dad has. Not so much with your mom, I think.
Accept the fact they are divorced, have been, have separate lives.
As YOU do with your husband and child. YOUR LIFE, not theirs.
Many of us have extended family; and for the most part-are living their lives without a thought about what we think. I'd say that's pretty normal. I moved outta the house over twenty years ago-and you know something? My bro has his own life; he's married, got a house, got a job. My mom divorced when I was 10-the last time I saw my old man I was 12-my mom re-married-they had a kid-yada, yada, yada. I've been living my adult life for some time now: my decisions-my business. A year ago or so I talked to a close friend. He told me I had some things I was holding onto and he SUGGESTED I put them in my God box. I listened, then I took action. Do I feel better? Heck, YES! The time will come when you have to decide to let go of the ideas and feelings that happened a long time ago. Ultimately, no one can makes those decisions for you. This is the journey of life. There is no book-but there are countless numbers of folks who can clearly demonstrate how they've dealt with a situation like yours. In all likelihood, perhaps you should discuss this with a friend, one on one, and then go from there. I think you'll find some closure, and acceptance.

Well, that's my two cents.

Good luck.