My buddy doesn't ( didn't? ) understand why I won't let my kids have text messaging.

[shortbun]

Just noticed your post count and I guess your daughters-being YOUR daughters-might just be rampant texters, lol!!!(Dude, C. Ann is retired with grown children-you work full time and have 8yo twins) Seriously, the reason trees bend in the wind is because if they were rigid they'd snap at the slightest breeze. kwim? Flexibility in life is good for your heart too, it's true.

Btw, if you got laid off today I hope you're ok and have a plan to have some fun with your daughters!!! You could volunteer in their classrooms or the library at their school and have coffee with all the moms. I know your wife would think it cool.

 

[Shutterbug]

When I was 8, I didnt have a cell phone I survived. The world survived.

 

[sbell111]

I just can't figure out why this is an angsty issue. Someone put his/her kids on a cel plan that allows unlimited texting. They then made lots of texts.

What's the problem???

Personally, I like text messaging for the same reason that I like emails. It allows me to quickly communicate individual thoughts. It does not require discussion when discussion is unnecessary like a phone call would.

 

[C.Ann]

Heck, that is nuthin'! Look at C. Ann:



Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 25,482

Hey - back off dude!!

7 months of being in isolation in the mountains will do that to a retired, old lady.. I can train the chipmunks up here to come when they're called - and eat out of my hand - but teaching them to "talk" isn't working out so well..

Besides - I'm with you on the texting.. DGD (11 next month) doesn't have it and won't have it.. Yet somehow she still manages to have a very full social life and is never "left out" of activities or gatherings by her friends.. True friends don't do that - "fair weather" friends probably would - but that's not a circle she chooses to be a part of.. She learned the concept of "true friends" all the way back in pre-school.. Neither she nor her parents see any huge looming problems ahead as the result of not "texting"..

 

[mjkacmom]

Hey - back off dude!!

7 months of being in isolation in the mountains will do that to a retired, old lady.. I can train the chipmunks up here to come when they're called - and eat out of my hand - but teaching them to "talk" isn't working out so well..

Besides - I'm with you on the texting.. DGD (11 next month) doesn't have it and won't have it.. Yet somehow she still manages to have a very full social life and is never "left out" of activities or gatherings by her friends.. True friends don't do that - "fair weather" friends probably would - but that's not a circle she chooses to be a part of.. She learned the concept of "true friends" all the way back in pre-school.. Neither she nor her parents see any huge looming problems ahead as the result of not "texting"..

That's because she's only 11 - this was never an issue when dd13 was 11. It all started in JH (when friendships tend to change). True friends take time, and in JH, they start meeting new people, and it takes a bit to know if it's a fair weather friendship vs. true friendship, like any relationship. It's much easier for kids to send a group text out, rather than call everyone individually, just like it's easier to send out a group email, than call everyone. Do you insist on not having email?

 

[shortbun]

Hey - back off dude!!

7 months of being in isolation in the mountains will do that to a retired, old lady.. I can train the chipmunks up here to come when they're called - and eat out of my hand - but teaching them to "talk" isn't working out so well..

Besides - I'm with you on the texting.. DGD (11 next month) doesn't have it and won't have it.. Yet somehow she still manages to have a very full social life and is never "left out" of activities or gatherings by her friends.. True friends don't do that - "fair weather" friends probably would - but that's not a circle she chooses to be a part of.. She learned the concept of "true friends" all the way back in pre-school.. Neither she nor her parents see any huge looming problems ahead as the result of not "texting"..

It's just that when the coach sends a text telling all the players when to show up for try-outs and the one kid who doesn't have a cell phone because his parents are techphobics doesn't get to tryout, well...that's the choice the parent made.

I believe in keeping up with technology, it's just easier than constantly explaining to people 'I don't find that necessary' or ' I don't believe in those.' To me those people are drop outs. NO-I don't use my cell in a restaurant or while I'm having a great talk with a friend, I let it go to voice mail. I keep my phone off during movies, concerts and plays. I really try hard not to drive and talk although I have been guilty of that occasionally. Texting is MUCH less intrusive from a noise level point of view, much less time consuming if all you need is notice someone is running late or is ready to be picked up. My kid can text me anytime with his friends and they assume he's texting one of them. "Mom, come and get me now because so and so has pot and I want to leave." came over my phone just the other day when DS was visiting a new aquaintance. He won't be going back there but I was able to call him and say rather loudly, "You did not do the work I asked you to do so I'm coming to get you." Voila, Mom's the bad guy and DS is immediately out of a possibly dangerous situation. I took another boy home too as he was uncomfortable and asked me for a ride-no questions asked because my son had already texted me. blah, blah blah.....you get me anyhow, right?

 

[EmmersIsTheMommy]

Ok I totally didn't read EVERYTHING.

I didn't get why I'd need texting until I got it. DH and I use it more than calling. It's handy for when he's at work and i need to get him a message and can't call.

I text. A LOT. Like..3k in a month tho..not 25k. I can't even IMAGINE. my 3k keeps me busy enough.

If/when I allow my kids (ok probably when) cell phones, I'll allow texting but it will have to be earned and used appropriately. They'll know this upfront. I'll figure it out SOMEHOW lol

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Yet somehow she still manages to have a very full social life and is never "left out" of activities or gatherings by her friends.. True friends don't do that - "fair weather" friends probably would - but that's not a circle she chooses to be a part of.. She learned the concept of "true friends" all the way back in pre-school.. Neither she nor her parents see any huge looming problems ahead as the result of not "texting"..

Wow!

Parents make a decision, but you are blaming the effects of that decision on the friends?

Nice way to rationalize - just blame the kids.

While my children are "true friends" and do try very hard to keep in contact with the very rare friend that does not have texting, the only person to blame would be the parents if the non-texting child is forgotten or left out due to a phone call being missed.

If a parent is going to make a parenting decision that is outside of the norm for most children their child's age, and a parent has every right to that, they have to accept the consequences of that decision, which may be that Little Johnny or Little Susie won't get invited to as many functions.

You can't make a parenting decision and then expect kids to jump through hoops to get around that decision. You can't make a decision and then also expect others to make accommodations for that decision. Friends will try, but it is not a guarantee. And it does not make a kid any less of a "true friend" if they don't always make the extra effort to circumvent out-of-norm parenting decisions.

Most kids I know do try very hard to include kids with outside-of-the-norm parents, but sometimes they do forget. They are kids. That is not the kids fault nor responsibility, the consequences of a parent's decision falls directly on the parent.

 

[eeyoremum]

Wow!

Parents make a decision, but you are blaming the effects of that decision on the friends?

Nice way to rationalize - just blame the kids.

While my children are "true friends" and do try very hard to keep in contact with the very rare friend that does not have texting, the only person to blame would be the parents if the non-texting child is forgotten or left out due to a phone call being missed.

If a parent is going to make a parenting decision that is outside of the norm for most children their child's age, and a parent has every right to that, they have to accept the consequences of that decision, which may be that Little Johnny or Little Susie won't get invited to as many functions.

You can't make a parenting decision and then expect kids to jump through hoops to get around that decision. You can't make a decision and then also expect others to make accommodations for that decision. Friends will try, but it is not a guarantee. And it does not make a kid any less of a "true friend" if they don't always make the extra effort to circumvent out-of-norm parenting decisions.

Most kids I know do try very hard to include kids with outside-of-the-norm parents, but sometimes they do forget. They are kids. That is not the kids fault nor responsibility, the consequences of a parent's decision falls directly on the parent.

So we should all parent the same?

Really I don't think so. Also, kids are not going to die because they don't have the "current" in thing. It would not hurt society any if parents learned to say NO to kids once in a while.

Mine have lived to be 10 and 15 without cellphones or video games or the latest "in" trend. Why? Because I choose not to buy into all the hype and buy the crap. They are not left out because they make the effort to see what is going on. They make the phone calls. If they miss out it is not my fault they are old enough to pick up a phone.

I also remind my kids that if I allowed all those things our twice yearly vacations would not happen.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Does anyone else think there were parents a 100 years ago saying that they were not getting a new fangled telephone and their children's friends would just have to walk over like always to include their kids in things since they had no phone? And then 30 years ago not getting an answering machine--if their kids' firends want to get in touch with them they can just keep calling until they reach someone. Same with email. If the kids' coach wants to change practicve times she can call evryone at home like I did when I coahced 15 years ago--no need to send a mass email! Like I said, I do nto text and my kids do not text and DD12 dislikes text speak--but we might someday I rarely say "never" about anything concerning my kids' futures (I save that for things like I will never condone illeagal drug use)--knowing that I cannot acurately predict everything about how the world or my child will be a few years from now. For me, that approach has worked "so far so good"--PD I am glad your approach is working for you. I sincerely hope it always does but I will say that as a teacher the Jr. High kids who seemed to get into the most trouble were the ones who had very rigid parents who just could not bring themselves to ever "give in" on anything even in the face of plenty of valid reasons to do so (not saying there are not plenty of valid reason to not have 8 year olds texting if it is not your thing). Hopefully that will not happen with your daughters--it doesn't happen to them all.

 

[C.Ann]

Do you insist on not having email?

Do you mean me - or my DGD? DGD does not have an email account - hasn't asked for one - and I'm not sure what her parents response would be..

I have several email accounts - but they are not where I receive invitations; where I'm informed of activities that are going on; or things of that nature.. Invitations and such are by phone or by regular mail..

his parents are techphobics doesn't get to tryout, well...that's the choice the parent made.

I believe in keeping up with technology, it's just easier than constantly explaining to people 'I don't find that necessary' or ' I don't believe in those.' To me those people are drop outs.

Well - that's an...ummm.."interesting" way of looking at it.. Drop outs - huh? The one thing that I will agree with in your statement is that some people do indeed find it "easier" to do whatever everyone else is doing - rather than standing up for their own beliefs.. If that is your definition of a "drop out", you've sure got me stumped..

So we should all parent the same?

Really I don't think so. Also, kids are not going to die because they don't have the "current" in thing. It would not hurt society any if parents learned to say NO to kids once in a while..

Uh oh.. I think you just ventured into a very dangerous area here.. This entire thread is about "wants" - not "needs" - regardless of what type of spin people choose to put on it..

At this point in time, DGD does not "want" to have her life revolve around all the latest gizmos and gadgets.. Nor does she consider it a "need".. I guess it's just hard for some people to believe that the world is not going to stop spinning - socially or otherwise - if some children (or even adults, for that matter) don't engage in playing "follow the leader".. Independent thinking has it's place in society as well..

 

[Mickey's Minion]

So we should all parent the same?

Really I don't think so. Also, kids are not going to die because they don't have the "current" in thing. It would not hurt society any if parents learned to say NO to kids once in a while.

Mine have lived to be 10 and 15 without cellphones or video games or the latest "in" trend. Why? Because I choose not to buy into all the hype and buy the crap. They are not left out because they make the effort to see what is going on. They make the phone calls. If they miss out it is not my fault they are old enough to pick up a phone.

I also remind my kids that if I allowed all those things our twice yearly vacations would not happen.

No, we absolutely should not parent the same. Everybody should have the right to parent per their beliefs and wishes without having to answer to anybody else.

What I was trying to say, obviously not very coherently, is that good parenting is not only about making the right decision for our children, but also accepting the consequences of that decision.

If a parent knows that 99% of her kids friends make social invitations via texting (or facebook, myspace, smoke signal), and still makes the decision to forbid that means of communication, then the parent has to also accept the consequences that their child most likely will also miss out on some social activities. As long as the parent is comfortable with both the decision they are making for their child and the consequences of that decision, then it is absolutely the right decision for their family, despite what anybody else may do.

The problem I had with C.Ann's post saying that kids are not true friends if they don't take an extra step to call is that she (or the parents) are making a decision but then blaming others for the consequences of that decision when the decision is hard for the child.

Just as you said, you encourage your children to make the phone calls, to keep in the loop. On the other hand, the other poster is blaming the other children, saying they are not "true friends" if they don't take extra steps for their child.

A parent's decision, a parent's responsibility for accepting the consequences of that decision.

So, back to the texting example, if you know texting is the social norm for a group but still make the decision to deny your child texting, you cannot then say "but everybody else has to take extra steps to make my decision easier for me and make sure little Suzie is invited, otherwise they are not true friends."

That is pretty self-centered of the parents. They make the decision, but if the decision is tough on the child, then they blame it on other people who do not go above and beyond to make their decision easier for them or their child.

As far as texting, most kids I know are pretty good at keeping their very rare non-texting buddies in the loop because they realize kids can't be blamed for their parents.

But to put the responsibility and the blame for the consequences of a parent's decision on others is not the measure of a "true friend" but a reflection on the parenting.

Parents should make the decisions that are best for their family. But they should also accept any consequences of those decisions without blaming others if they don't jump through extra hoops due to those decisions.

 

[KyraS]

I have to agree with the above poster. My son is 17 and does everything via text. If he decides to go bowling at the spur of the moment he's going to send a mass text to his friends. If there were a friend who didn't have text (and I honestly can't think of one that doesn't) then he wouldn't leave them out on purpose I just doubt it would cross his mind. It's the way they communicate now and I just see nothing wrong with it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have several email accounts - but they are not where I receive invitations; where I'm informed of activities that are going on; or things of that nature.. Invitations and such are by phone or by regular mail..



[/COLOR][/B]

Maybe it's your generation - my generation does everything via email - social invitations, meeting being rescheduled, etc. Therefore, I have access to email, and check it on a regular basis. Teens, on the other hand, rely more on texting than email. I just heard my phone get a text - I'm sure it's dd13, asking for a ride home. She got a text today at 12, inviting her (and others) to a gf's house to swim at 1. If a girl didn't get that text, she wouldn't be going.

 

[DVCLiz]

Do you mean me - or my DGD? DGD does not have an email account - hasn't asked for one - and I'm not sure what her parents response would be..

I have several email accounts - but they are not where I receive invitations; where I'm informed of activities that are going on; or things of that nature.. Invitations and such are by phone or by regular mail..



Well - that's an...ummm.."interesting" way of looking at it.. Drop outs - huh? The one thing that I will agree with in your statement is that some people do indeed find it "easier" to do whatever everyone else is doing - rather than standing up for their own beliefs.. If that is your definition of a "drop out", you've sure got me stumped..


Uh oh.. I think you just ventured into a very dangerous area here.. This entire thread is about "wants" - not "needs" - regardless of what type of spin people choose to put on it..

At this point in time, DGD does not "want" to have her life revolve around all the latest gizmos and gadgets.. Nor does she consider it a "need".. I guess it's just hard for some people to believe that the world is not going to stop spinning - socially or otherwise - if some children (or even adults, for that matter) don't engage in playing "follow the leader".. Independent thinking has it's place in society as well..

The key phrase, C. Ann, is "At this point in time."

Respectfully, your DGD is 11. Just like Papa Deuce's daughters, your DGD is nowhere near the age when this begins. It's very easy to say all of this about your DGD because she is not yet in the age group where any of this applies.

All of us with teen texters thought exactly the same thing when our children were 8 or 11 - because we had no idea what we were talking about. Again, it's easy to project how you might or might not handle things in the future when it's all theoretical.

When your DGD comes to you and says, "Nana, I thought Suzy was my friend and she said she would call me about going ot the movies today but she made plans to go to the movies with somebody else because she was already at the mall and sent out a text and I don't have a phone so I couldn't answer it", THEN you can decide how you feel about teens and texting. And your DGD can decide how she feels abotu Suzy - maybe she decides Suzy isn't much of a friend and drops her in favor of the girl who will call your home phone.

But teens don't make social plans based on how others "feel" - they make them based on convenience. And if your DD is not willing to give your DGD the means to play that game, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences.

Sure, the consequences might be that she finds a "real" friend - but they might also be that a "real" friend drops her. And you don't know which of those two scenarios is likely to happen - because you are 4 or 5 years away from it.

 

[DVCLiz]

Maybe it's your generation - my generation does everything via email - social invitations, meeting being rescheduled, etc. Therefore, I have access to email, and check it on a regular basis. Teens, on the other hand, rely more on texting than email. I just heard my phone get a text - I'm sure it's dd13, asking for a ride home. She got a text today at 12, inviting her (and others) to a gf's house to swim at 1. If a girl didn't get that text, she wouldn't be going.

I don't think it's specifically generation as much as mind-set - I am only 8 years younger than C. Ann but I rarely get anything social by regular mail, and certainly almost all of my "let's meet for lunch/a movie" plans are made by cell phone or text. Formal invitations to things like Book Club luncheons that are still printed do come via the regular mail - about three or four times a year.

DD15 is a little bummed tonight because she made plans this afternoon to go to a movie with her dad. Our wireless has been down overnight so she couldn't get to Facebook - and so she missed the invite to a friend's surprise birthday party, which was all handled on Facebook. No personal phone call to her to say, "Hey, you didn't reply so I didn't want you to feel left out." That's NOT the way they do it - and even if adults and grandmothers don't like it, it isn't going to change and it doesn't mean they are ill-behaved brats with no social graces.

 

[MrsPete]

point taken, but you don't know "me"..... If you did, you would know that I won't be caving in to pressure....

I agree that you should do what you perceive to be the best thing for your family . . . but never changing your mind on anything isn't really a positive quality. I can think of plenty of things to which I've said "never, never, not gonna happen" . . . and then when I learned all the facts, I realized that I'd been too quick to judge.

 

[Papa Deuce]

Btw, if you got laid off today I hope you're ok and have a plan to have some fun with your daughters!!! You could volunteer in their classrooms or the library at their school and have coffee with all the moms. I know your wife would think it cool.

I already do that. Even today in day camp, I was a chaperone. I also DJ events for my daughter's school at no charge. And I volunteer to help coordinate the yearly "fun day".....

And I AM getting laid off within 8 months at the most, and likely much sooner.

 

[golfgal]

Maybe it's your generation - my generation does everything via email - social invitations, meeting being rescheduled, etc. Therefore, I have access to email, and check it on a regular basis. Teens, on the other hand, rely more on texting than email. I just heard my phone get a text - I'm sure it's dd13, asking for a ride home. She got a text today at 12, inviting her (and others) to a gf's house to swim at 1. If a girl didn't get that text, she wouldn't be going.

Exactly. Everything is done via e-mail, Facebook or cell phone/texting. I can't remember the last time we got a letter in the mail for anything. Email invites are SOOO much easier-and the RSVP rate is so much higher too!!

Like others have said, texting isn't that big of a deal until 7th grade or so. Those that have younger kids just don't get it and won't until their kids get to that age. I have a colleague at work who has a DD that just turned 14. He was asking for suggestions for a birthday present and I suggested getting her text messaging. He was hesitant--insistent--that he didn't want it. I ask him how many parties/get togethers has she missed the past few months, he said a lot. I told him it was because she wasn't on the text list and just gets forgotten. He got her text messaging for her birthday and is an instant hero in her eyes and HIS life is much easier with less girl drama too .

 

[MichelleVW]

When I was 8, I didnt have a cell phone I survived. The world survived.

That is just a silly argument....my Great Grandparents didn't have indoor plumbing either and I don't want to go back to those days either...