My best friend's husband left her, I'm not sure if I'm saying the right things UPDATE

[AllyandJack]

My best friend has been married for about 4 months. This guy....well, let's just say we all more or less knew it was a mistake. We tried to tell her to give it more time, but she was determined to be married - she has been since high school.

Anyway....they fight all the time and on Sunday they decided to seek counseling. She said everything was perfect on Sunday. They had a great day. Fast forward to Monday morning at 5am when he gets up to take the dog out. There was some argument over the alarm clock and he goes to the closet, grabs a bag that was ALREADY PACKED, and says "I'm not putting up with this anymore!" and leaves. She calls his work a few hours later and they told her he was in NY on a trip with the company, but refuses to give her any information - i.e. hotel, phone number, etc. She told them to call him and to have him call her because it's an emergency. She was in hysterics this morning and had her mother call the place again. They said they spoke with him and he said he already called her. He didn't.

Of course, her mother is giving her the "I told you so..." speech and says she should just come back to her place - as soon as she gives her new puppy up, which she refuses to do.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I could never be married to my best friend. She's very demanding and treats him like he's 5. But, in her defense, he NEEDS to be treated like he's 5. She just wants him to call her to tell her what happened and what's going on.

So, she seems to remember him saying something about Syracuse a week or so ago and now she's calling every hotel in Syracuse to see if he's there.

I'm at work. I took Friday off to attend a funeral and I don't think I can leave again. I would in a second, but losing MY job would put my family in jeopardy right now. My mom is right up the street from her and she said she'd look in on her if I wanted her to.

I just don't know what to say. She keeps asking me "Do you think he's gone for good?" "Do you think he ever loved me?"

Does anyone who has been through this with a friend have any words of advice?? Anyone ever been in this situation know how she can find him!??!?

 

[Planogirl]

I've always heard that the most important thing is to just let the friend talk and to give noncommital answers when she asks questions. The advice always seems to be to also never put the friend's SO down because that often causes the friend to defend their SO.

Good luck. It sounds like a very sad situation.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Let me just say :

I've been in her place

I'm currently in your place.

Check your PMs.

 

[danacara]

No advice, but what a sad story. I might stop trying to track the guy down, I guess - he seems pretty out of the picture, I doubt he'll be able or willing to give her the answers she wants. You're a good friend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since this is currently still unfolding I would not look for him. Just be a sounding board and don't say too much right now. You know it was a mistake now she has to figure that out on her own.

Ditto the advice on not putting down the dh. Man does THAT come back and haunt you.

 

[AllyandJack]

I have to hold my DH back from saying what he thinks about this guy. But, when she couldn't get a hold of me last night because I was in my real estate class, she called and talked to my DH and I guess he held his tongue.

He's never liked this guy and I've had many small arguments with him over not saying anything about him in front of my friend. This is my best friend since I was 13 years old and I'm not about to lose her over this guy.

I don't know what I fear more: him NEVER coming back, or him coming back and her being so relieved that she "forgets" this ever happened.

 

[Tiggeroo]

encourage your friend to get som counseling. Tell her that if he comes back they can go together. He could have known he had the trip and used that as a way to make an impression by leaving. I bet he'll be back at the house after the trip.

 

[RadioNate]

You are in a tough spot. I know my DH hates to talk about anything personal when he's working. Maybe when it's not in the middle of his work day things will calm down and she'll at least know where he is. I'm afraid pushing him will only make things worse.

good lcuk

 

[jrydberg]

Having been in that position, I'd say try not to tell your friend what to do. I had a million people telling me what I needed to do and not one of them knew what it was like to be in my shoes. I didn't get angry with them, because I knew they were just trying to be helpful, but it was still annoying (and certainly NOT helpful).

As for questions like "do you think he's gone for good" or "do you think he ever loved me" I'd just say, I don't know. Be honest and straightforward and just be available to your friend.

 

[fanofmickey]

Be very careful what you say about him - he may be back!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd let her talk without being too commital, and let her vent. I would suggest counseling to her, for several reasons:
1. She may be getting divorced and it will help her through it.

2. She needs to figure out why "being married" is so important to her that she'd choose the wrong guy just to be able to say she's married

3. Sounds like she needs a bit of maturity and insight into her own psyche.

Good luck!

 

[Keli]

It sounds like to me that this guy packed for his business trip and didn't tell his dw about it (proabably some kind of stupid passive/agressive thing). When they got in yet another fight he just grabbed the bag and announced he was leaving, probably just a ploy to really get her attention. I'm agreeing with another poster that said he'll probably be home when his trip is over. I'm guessing he'd be shocked beyond belief if he came home and she had moved back in with her mom, lol.

BTW, I wouldn't be giving my .02 worth to this friend about her situation. If you guys are good friends she already knows how you really feel about the whole situation and she's just needing a comforting shoulder to pour her troubles out on but she probably isn't really looking for any real help. (at least not yet)

 

[Jasminesmommy]

If he really loved her he wouldn't had his clothed packed and left or brought his work into there problems. No matter what you say it won't matter she makes up her mind.Best thing to do is listen and be there for her when you can. My mom beign a mom was always in my business ans saying I told you so eveytime I broke up with someone.It got to the point I couldn't talk to my mom about anything. Still that was. Just be there for your friend cause you might lose her if you get to involved.

 

[AllyandJack]

Well...my friend's husband finally called. She asked him what was going on. He said, "You KNEW I was going to NY at some point." She said she knew AT SOME POINT he would be going, but she didn't know WHEN. He said, "No, but you knew I'd be going at some point." So, she asked him if he got the message and he said he did. She asked why he didn't call her. He said he couldn't get away. She asked what the message said and he said the woman from his work said to call his wife because there was an emergency. She got so angry and asked why he didn't call when they said it was an emergency. He said, "I couldn't get to a phone until now." So, she said, "What if I was dead? Would you have come home if I was dead?" He said, "I don't know, if I could get away, I would." That was when, she said, all her tears dried up. Now, she's just angry.

So, he called 5 times last night and she refused to answer the phone. Then, she decided to get out of the house and go to Bingo. There was message after message from him - "it's me again....I guess I'll try you again....love you." This morning, she called me and let me listen to them and, yes, we both got a good laugh at it. He called twice more this morning, leaving more messages about how he loves her and he'll try her again later. I think if he had said he would have come home if she was dead, she might answer the phone, but she's so angry right now. He said he would be home on Saturday....she's not even sure she's going to be there.

Honestly, I think I took just as much pleasure out of those messages as she did. For about 2 years I've watched this guy wreak havoc on her life and she just sits by and lets him walk all over her and never stand up for herself. Plus, it was good to hear her laugh again. I know, it's not very mature and she's sinking to his level, but she's earned the right to be immature and to sink a bit for a few days.

She had me so worked up yesterday that I had to take half a Xanax! Thank you all so much for all your advice and for letting me sound off here.

They're supposed to be coming with DH and I to Disney in 30 days. DH and I might have to put on some costumes and travel incognito to have a few days of peace!


Thank you again everyone!

 

[shortbun]

I just read this thread. Your friend is very lucky to have you.
They need to work this out either by themselves or with a
professional. Neither solution involves you except that you
can and will continue to give her support. If she asks-does he
love me-say, I don't know but I do. Don't let her sabatoge your
work environment, you do need your job-right? I don't mean to
be cold but I've been in your shoes twice and having to take a
Xanax(really) is pretty serious over someone else's love life; it's
because she requires you to get to her level emotionally. Simply
love and support her-don't rise to her level of hysteria.
I would find a way to get out of that trip with them or you may
regret it.
What does your DH say?