My best friend has been cheating on his wife

[Disney Doll]

My DH would look at his friend and say "Fix it. Cheating is wrong, you know it. So stop,get counselling and fix your marriage, or end your marriage. But don't cheat."

That would probably be about the extent of their conversation about it.

OP, I am sorry that this is happening to you, because it is upsetting when someone you thought you knew (your friend) does something that you would never expect they would do. They kind of fall off the friend pedestal...

 

[Kae]

Been there. And I told my friend that I was not happy with him & at this time I really didn't want to be his friend. they got divorced & we are now very good friends again. It took time. But he was all about me being there for his wife.

Kae

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry for the position you are in. That would be like two elephants in the room. The husband that cheated probably won't bring it up for awhile. He's probably going to feel you out so to speak. See if you'll still be a friend before (or if) he says something. I'd just give it time and talk about it when he initiates it.

As pp mentioned, guy talk is so much different than women's. Women would probably examine it to the ends of the earth and back. A few minutes might suffice for guys. Maybe more, but I don't think the deep examination would be there. And that's just as well. He might just say he was wrong and you'll agree with him. And he might talk about what he'll want to do next, and that will be that.

Hard to say. It said a lot when you said you still love the guy. Saying something along those lines would probably go a long way for someone that is feeling guilty. When the time is right.

Good luck with it. You sound like a good person.

 

[bumbershoot]

A lot of people when they are in the 'affair head,' lose touch of friends and family members they know would disapprove. They withdraw from 'friends of the marriage' and tend to gravitate toward those who will look the other way or even encourage and justify the actions of the adulterer.

Perhaps the wife is just hoping that you, a friend of the marriage with a strong moral compass, can provide support while he is dealing with coming out of his affair 'fog.'

I don't think negative conclusions need to be drawn here. Even if she was trying to embarass him, yeah, it's wrong, but in comparison??? If he hadn't cheated, she would have nothing to shame him with. I'd much rather be embarassed than betrayed...ya know, if I had the choice. People finding out about the affair is a consequence of the affair. Oh well.

Whether she should have done it or not, she did. If she just found out I can tell you she is nowhere in her right mind/normal self at the moment. She is in fight or flight mode. Probably she is just feeling desperate, hurt, and alone right now and is hoping you guys can support them as they fight their way back from the brink.

I agree with all of that. Definitely.


There was no cheating involved, but while we were engaged, now-DH took off. Now, after time has passed, he realizes that he was scared, scared of being The Provider, scared of having a family (even though it was his lifelong dream), and scared that he wasn't the right guy for me. Back then, he was telling his friends mean things about me, mean things I said while we were arguing, arguments caused b/c he just couldn't stop a lifelong tendency to lie about the most utterly stupid things...

And when I came home to find all of his stuff gone, yeah, I emailed 2 of our mutual friends about it. One was just a really good friend at the time, and the other friend was the one that was going to marry us. I felt the need for them to know, because his actions were completely out of character for him...he was the quintessential Nice Guy, and it was absolutely bizarre for him to do such a mean mean thing. They were great about it.

Now, we found our way back to each other quickly, though it took quite awhile to start making future plans again. He had counseling, we had counseling, we lived separately through that whole time...

As we realized that we did want to work things through, I emailed another friend of his. One that had helped him move out (along with another friend that I never much liked, and he didn't much like me) and was/is DH's oldest friend (and who is frighteningly like me). I said something like I thanked him for his support while Robert tried to become a better man...

He emailed back, quite nastily, that he would be R's friend no matter what, and doesn't care if he's a better man or not.

Well...that hurt my feelings AND ended Robert's friendship with him (R was stunned that he said that, because they actually have quite a deep and talky relationship...all of that group of friends talk deeply about things). They weren't friends for a few years. The guy wasn't even invited to our wedding (I urged Robert to invite him but R refused). They became friends again when DS was 1 or so, and now they are terrific friends again.

The friend now comes to us for advice. And is SO SO SO glad that DH became a better man, because it changed their relationship...turns out that (because he and I are so alike) the SAME things that bugged me about R had been bugging him since he met Robert! So what's good for our relationship is good for their relationship as well, LOL. (They just had a convo about that while changing the oil in our car, last weekend before hubby's birthday)


Anyway, that's a big long example of how a friend can "be a friend regardless of what sort of man the other is", and how they can also learn to HELP a friend be a better person, and get some benefits from it.

It's actually been pretty profound, watching how this friend has changed and grown, and seeing the appreciation he has for Robert and how he has changed, and he appreciates ME a whole lot more too, because I stuck by and helped Robert through the mess he was going through in his head.

Obviously, I encourage people to help friends be better people (and my friends tried to do the same, when I was making bad decisions as a single person).