Mother in Law.. Ugh!

[The Mystery Machine]

She usually has Sunday dinner once a month. My oldest has her own schedule also so she usually does not attend. My 15 year old will come along. But if my dh is working, then it is just me and her.

No she does not hang out with her cousins. The one closest in age to her
(14) thinks she is too good for my dd. She is the one my MIL can't get enough of.

It is just awkward but I take my dd so she doesn't feel left out.. but once there she gets left out.

If my dh was not coming, then that is a get out of jail free card. You don't have to attend. Just saying...

I would also be "busy".

 

[cornflake]

So stay away. Or don't.

What does the 15-year-old think?

I don't even know what you were 'standing up for her' for, it kind of sounds like you were more just ranting at your mother in law about what you disapprove of about her.

I mean did you expect her to say 'oh, I didn't realize any of what you say and I agree it's all true, I resolve to change?'

 

[Disney Doll]

She usually has Sunday dinner once a month. My oldest has her own schedule also so she usually does not attend. My 15 year old will come along. But if my dh is working, then it is just me and her.

No she does not hang out with her cousins. The one closest in age to her
(14) thinks she is too good for my dd. She is the one my MIL can't get enough of.

It is just awkward but I take my dd so she doesn't feel left out.. but once there she gets left out.

So you have 2 choices.

Suck it up and go to dinner once a month or don't go.

 

[diznygirl]

I would so totally be busy and unable to attend these dinners. Be forewarned that then the blame gets pushed to you for not being there. But if you are like me you won't care.

My MIL would visit us here for weeks. She would ask us to take her shopping for kids she knew back home - neighbors and friends. She never would buy anything for her own grandchildren while she was here.

Then her other more local child had children and she hasn't been out since. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, or the good with the good. However you want to look at it.

As long as you love your kids, that's all the counts in the long run.

 

[Hrhpd]

My dh is the oldest of 3 boys. The middle one lives 3 hours away. The youngest (her favorite) lives a short distance away, as do we.

My 2 dd's are the oldest grandkids (20 and 15). The others range between 14and 6. My MIL favors her youngest son's kids and it is so noticeable.

She will attend every activity of theirs no matter the distance. While my dd was in high school she was in honor dance team and they performed once a year (2 hours away). She didn't attend once.

I called her out on a few things last week and she didn't want to hear much of it. She was silent and just said I do not agree or disagree. I had to stand up for my 15 year old.

She was part of the reason for the youngest son's divorce. She will talk behind your back to whoever will listen. I think she has the one daughter in law convinced not to like me.

My dd's were in the one son's wedding (flower girl and junior bridesmaid) and the other grandkids handed out programs. The one girl wore a white dress so she could look like she was part of the wedding party. When it came time for the family picture, MIL would not let my girls hold their bouquets because the other 2 didn't have any.

My dh will not say anything. I just don't know what to do anymore... I just want to stay away.

You are talking behind her back to anybody who will listen. Perhaps she knows your dislike of her?

But as others have said, life is way too short for all the jealousy of the other Inlaws.

Know that you are happy with your family and do not let the inlaws get to you. Hold your head up high and don't fall victim to the insecurities you expressed (cousin doesn't like daughter, sil doesn't like you, favorites, etc.)

 

[OceanAnnie]

You have reasons for the way you feel. Why are you subjecting yourself and your DD to monthly dinners with someone that you think is so inequitable? It sounds like torture.

Like other posters mentioned, I'd be busy. I'd be busy a lot.

Maybe it would be easier to handle in smaller doses.

 

[Bunchkin]

I understand your situation OP. My mom treats my kids differently from my younger sister's kids. She sees my sister's kids more, dotes on them more, gives them more, so on and so on. This is also how she treated me and my sister. So it doesn't suprise me. There are a lot of other factors in the mix too. I distance myself and my family from her. It's best for my sanity and for my kids.

 

[horseshowmom]

Although I know my mother loves my kids, she definitely favors the two who live the closest. Even when we visit(which is about 3-4 times/year) all she can talk about is those two kids.

It's her loss. You reap what you sow.

I could go into lots of other examples of other things too, but my MiL was the same way. She would go on and on about why doesn't DD visit her, but everytime she did all MiL talked about was DD's cousin (males were always favored in that family). DD said that no matter how she tried to change the subject, MiL brought it back to him - no interest in her or what was going on with her at all. DD had no issues with her cousin, but she said you'd think MiL would want to know a little something about her.

DD went less and less as she got older (this was only one of the reasons) and doesn't go at all now - not even for holidays. Until she married, she went out of respect for her dad. Now she doesn't go at all (her husband's family has their gathering at the same time, and they are very good to her). I don't go anymore either (obligation can only stretch so far). In fact, after this last Christmas, DH has said that we'll be leaving town at Christmas from now on because even he has had enough.

Yep, you definitely reap what you sow, but MiL doesn't have a clue of what the issue is (even though DH discussed it with her more than once).

If my dh was not coming, then that is a get out of jail free card. You don't have to attend. Just saying...

I would also be "busy".

I guarantee it, no doubt about it! But, I would leave it up to your daughter to make that choice for herself. That's what I did. It was her decision.

 

[badblackpug]

I do not understand why grandparents behave this way. I have a good friend who is a grandfather and he openly talks about how he prefers his daughter's children (especially the oldest) over his son's kids. I've told him how wrong I think that is but he says it's just how he feels. Well, if that's how you feel, you need to work extra hard to make sure you don't act on those feelings.

TP

Just a thought, and this isn't directed to anyone on this thread, but I had a friend who complained about how her mother preferred her sister's kids and would baby sit for them and take them places, but wouldn't take her son. Her son was horribly behaved. He talked back, wouldn't listen, had temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. The grandmother couldn't control him and the mother wouldn't try, that's why the grandmother preferred spending time with her other grandchildren.

 

[Mermaid02]

The oldest son's kids are the favorite around here (as is the oldest son) My in laws drive over 2 hours to go to their activities and then make a token stop at my other brother in laws house, stay for 1/2 hour at most and then leave. He sent them an email on it over a year ago and they never acknowledged it (and yes, he knows they got it).

OP- stay away and let your dd decide if she wants to go or not. I feel for you!

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Unless one or the other of you (your dd and you) find dinner with them enjoyable for some sadistic reason, start blowing it off.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't mind staying away but I am torn about 15 year old dd. Do I let her continue to go over or not. Maybe I should let her decide. I am torn on that.
She becomes invisible once the other grandkids arrive.

I think that your DD is old enough to decide if she wants to visit. I never forced my kids to visit their Meme and Gramps once they were in their teens. Most of the time they came with me but if they chose not to go I was okay with it.I believe that there is a point in a teenager's life when they get to stay away from some gatherings if they are not comfortable. While I never allowed them to skip "formal" events they got a pass on routine visits.

You know, your kids will have to figure out how they are going to feel about their grandparents. It really is best if you try to keep your own opinions out of that process. My kids were not the favorites. They knew it and while they were the ones close enough to be available for everything they were not "special". I never said anything because they needed to love their GP's without having any slights made more apparent. For my kids, they always understood that their GP's were what they were and that their feelings had nothing to do with how they should feel about themselves.

Once they were adults my kids would fall all over themselves for my Mom. Not so much for their Meme. She was hurt and would make comments. I always assured her how much she was loved. When she was ill they all were there for her as much as she needed them and all expressed to me how much they loved her. But they all explained that they adored my Mom and the memories they had of her were not clouded with the reserve they had for Meme.

You don't understand because your kids are being treated equally. My DH's mother hasn't acknowledged that we are married, only acknowledges my son (DH's step son) when he forces her to (which he does), and has made the statement that our DD must choose between loving her and loving the my side of the family and DH's father and step mother.

I understand. Here is how I handled the "side of the family" issue. There are no sides. This was non-negotiable. I have 3 sides, I married after my first husband died. We were a package deal. That meant my kids were Buddy's. He was ours. Period. Family events included my family, my first husbands family and my DH family. Whoever wanted to come was included. My family invited everyone. My first husband's family invited everyone (even thought they probably did not want to) and some of my DH family included everyone.

Life is not equal. That is just a fact so I would not fret over who is favored. What I would have the issue with is anyone trying to teach that there is a "good" side and a "bad" side of family. You do not say if you and your DH share children. You do not want to teach them that Dad's side is the best side. They will bring that into their adulthood.

Your DH needs to have a chat with his family. No more ignoring your son. He is not a step. He is a son. He will not make a choice between his side and yours. If his parents try to force an ultimatum they will not like the result.

If my dh was not coming, then that is a get out of jail free card. You don't have to attend. Just saying...

I would also be "busy".

Me too. I would not bother trying to maintain a one sided relationship. This one would be my DH's little red wagon. I go if he goes. If not I am washing my hair.

 

[Lucky4me]

I stopped going to Sunday dinners a few years ago. Best decision I ever made. No stress of passive aggressive behavior, outright hostility and a lot of nasty gossip I never wanted to hear.
I put up with it for more years than I should have from an in law who from the outside, looks like the perfect loving hostess, cooking big family dinners and wanting everyone to be together in her home. She constantly harped about "family" to the point it was nauseating.
I believe in her mind, "family" was her justification.
She is really a wolf in sheeps clothing.

You'll get to a point where they will either change their ways, or you'll have enough and just stop.

Of course I am now the black sheep of the family- "too good" for this particular family member and she does everything in her power to get my husband to feel sorry for her and turn him against me, but I don't care. I'm at peace.
When you have a toxic person in your life, someone who no matter how nicely you have asked them to stop and they continue on with their nastiness, it's okay to step away. Family or not.

 

[BroganMc]

As the adult daughter living with the only living Grandpa in the family, I feel this sort of debate waging often. I'm my dad's appointed Social Director which means he looks to me to set the calendar, stay in touch with the siblings and grandkids, buy the presents for the kids, and keep him up to date. But he is getting older now and more curmudgeonly. He hates talking on the phone, doesn't do e-mail or texting, prefers peace & quiet, and will often need to be gently pressured into leaving the house to go socialize with the family.

There are 3 sibling families with 9 kids between them. My sister lives closest and comes to visit weekly. She'll call too during the week and checks in on Dad. She shares his career path so they have stuff to talk about. I babysat her boys. And whenever we had space available on a timeshare vacation, her family would come with us. It happened because we'd extend an open invitation to all my siblings and she would be the first one (often ONLY one) to accept.

Consequently my dad knows my sister's boys really well. They can be seen as favorites. It's only because my sister makes it so easy for him to see them.

My brothers however live farther away and haven't always been so responsive to Dad. One got really mad at me for it. I rightly pointed out it was his onus to encourage the relationships. He wasn't making it any easier for me. I'd be making the phone calls to initiate contact and fight with my dad to get him to go with me on visits, then I was accused of monopolizing the man. After this brother and I had it out, things got a lot better. He stepped up and reached out more. He stopped sniping at me and realized when I was trying to help.

My other brother, however, is often MIA. He never seems to answer a phone or return a message. He doesn't make an effort to visit or even invite my dad over. He doesn't keep him in the loop with what the kids are up to. Despite frequent invitations, his kids have never had a sleepover or just spent a day alone with Grandpa. When my brother does visit or talk to my dad it is at his convenience and rarely with warning. The kids are so frustrated with their uncle's and cousins' absences it has become a bit of a family joke.

This brother is also the one who has grumbled that I've monopolized my dad's time and I've heard rumblings that their kids are the unfavored ones. They aren't. They just aren't ever around. They are talked about often and invited to all the family gatherings. I and my other siblings as well as their kids keep trying to get them more involved.

Every relationship is unique and a result of a set of consequences. My dad loves all his grandkids equally and tries to be a good grandpa to them. I don't mind that he leans on me to help. It makes his life easier and at 80, I think he deserves a little help when he wants it.

Smartest thing (most helpful thing) I ever heard was what my brother told me when we were talking out our issues. The relationship his kids have with their relatives are THEIR relationships and not his. He stays out of it. As long as there is no outright abuse (and there isn't in our family) then what sort of things his kids share with their aunts, uncles or grandparents is between them. He just hopes the relationship is a good one and tries not to create obstacles for it.

Most unhelpful thing I ever heard was a gripe from a brother because he heard I was giving one present to a niece for Christmas and why didn't I give the same thing to his daughter. Make sure you buy equal presents, or else they'll feel unloved, he said. I HATE that gift measuring thing people do. I give gifts because I want to, not because I have to. I don't count the cost or quantity. Doing so cheapens the thought IMHO. This particular niece had been asking me for this present for months and it was something she knew I liked as well. It was our thing. I had absolutely no idea the other niece was remotely into it.

 

[worm761]

I understand. Here is how I handled the "side of the family" issue. There are no sides. This was non-negotiable. I have 3 sides, I married after my first husband died. We were a package deal. That meant my kids were Buddy's. He was ours. Period. Family events included my family, my first husbands family and my DH family. Whoever wanted to come was included. My family invited everyone. My first husband's family invited everyone (even thought they probably did not want to) and some of my DH family included everyone.

Life is not equal. That is just a fact so I would not fret over who is favored. What I would have the issue with is anyone trying to teach that there is a "good" side and a "bad" side of family. You do not say if you and your DH share children. You do not want to teach them that Dad's side is the best side. They will bring that into their adulthood.

Your DH needs to have a chat with his family. No more ignoring your son. He is not a step. He is a son. He will not make a choice between his side and yours. If his parents try to force an ultimatum they will not like the result.

Our family is me, DH, DS (my son previously), and DD (our child together). My father also lives with us. We are in Florida. My family is in TN and OH. His is all in NY. He has mother and step father, father and stem mother.
He has had several conversations with his mother about her attitude towards me and DS. She throws a temper tantrum if we see my family and not his. This includes my family coming to Florida to visit. I have told him that she is not allowed to bad mouth he father in front of my kids. One of her favorite past times. She got one warning. After that, every time she starts, I gather my kids and leave. My DD will not be made to feel guilty for loving her grandfather like DH's siblings kids are. DH has gotten to the point that he doesn't really have much to do with his mother any more because of all the issues with her.

Really sad all around. Family is very important to me. I would love to see more of them but she is very unwelcoming and is downright rude and disrespectful when we are there so I have stopped going. DH won't go either now. Though his aunt and cousin are coming to visit next week and I cannot wait.

 

[tyniknate]

We just stopped socializing with my in-laws unless the occasion demands it. My in-laws have three sons and one daughter. Guess who is the favorite?!

My DH had to drop out of college because he couldn't afford to keep going. He was working full time and going to school full time with no help from his parents. NONE what-so-ever! Neither of the other boys went because they knew there would be no help. When it was time for the daughter to go...well the story changed dramatically. Suddenly there was money flowing like a geyser. She went to a private college and came out debt free. Mommy and daddy paid for it all. She also got a car for graduation.

My DH had to work through school to pay for his own insurance and gas. She didn't have to work because "she should be allowed to enjoy her school years."

Two younger brothers have both had some small financial issues.....with no help from their parents.

When DH and I were married.....they gave us $200 toward the wedding costs and a washer and dryer. When she was married they paid for EVERYTHING and gave her the down-payment for their house.

I have three sons, and I have one nephew and one niece. The nephew and niece belong to my husband's sister. Guess who is the favorite. . It is absolutely nauseating how that little girl is treated when compared to the grandsons (especially when you see how she is treated compared to her brother.)

The grandsons each got $20 cash for Easter. The granddaughter got: an Easter basket, a lala loopsy doll and 4 packages of accessories; three new outfits; and $20.

I am so tired of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is OK.
I'm just no longer spending time with his family. He knows why and if this treatment is Ok with him.....he can spend time with them. I will not, however, have my boys believe that they are not as good as the granddaughter. They no longer attend family functions either and they know why. (Except weddings, funerals, etc). It didn't take a whole lot of years for them to pick up on the fact that they were treated differently.

 

[Nancyg56]

Our family is me, DH, DS (my son previously), and DD (our child together). My father also lives with us. We are in Florida. My family is in TN and OH. His is all in NY. He has mother and step father, father and stem mother.
He has had several conversations with his mother about her attitude towards me and DS. She throws a temper tantrum if we see my family and not his. This includes my family coming to Florida to visit. I have told him that she is not allowed to bad mouth he father in front of my kids. One of her favorite past times. She got one warning. After that, every time she starts, I gather my kids and leave. My DD will not be made to feel guilty for loving her grandfather like DH's siblings kids are. DH has gotten to the point that he doesn't really have much to do with his mother any more because of all the issues with her.

Really sad all around. Family is very important to me. I would love to see more of them but she is very unwelcoming and is downright rude and disrespectful when we are there so I have stopped going. DH won't go either now. Though his aunt and cousin are coming to visit next week and I cannot wait.

What a waste of energy. My DH did the same thing. His mother did not approve of me because I had been married before and had three children. She was never mean to the kids, just kind of ignored them. Okay. DH treated my kids like his own, he never had any. We never went where they were not welcomed so his family visits were few and far between. Now his Aunt through marriage welcomed my family with open arms. They adored her until the day that she died and would drop everything to do anything she needed. The same with her DD's, they are closer than blood. One day Bud's Mom asked why they loved her, after all they were nto related and DH Uncle had divorced her. All I could say was that they adored her because she loved them unconditionally.

It is funny how family is. My DMIL passed away last March. I was part of that family for 40 years, 32 after my husband died. My children never missed a Holiday or any other special event. Ever since Donald died everyone was told how the estate would be divided, my kids would inherit what was to have been their Dad's. 32 freakin years we had to listen to that and for 32 years we told DMIL to spend her money. Well SIS IL gave us a copy of the will when DMIL passed and I was horrified. DMIL had lost three of her 4 children and had two sets of grands. In her will she stipulated that if SIS IL (not the grands mother) passed before her everything that would have been SIS IL's would pass to the other two kids.

Now the entire will had been revised with SIS Il inheriting the bulk of the estate, which was not what we had always been told but that was okay with us. What really hurt was that she singled out the other two children over her sons kids. My niece and nephew are wonderful people, this is not about them. What MIL or SIS Il realized was that my kids were adults and would read the will. They told me that just reinforced that they were the bench when it came to grandchildren and nephews and niece. Way to reinforce that there were favorites.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I totally understand how you feel. My dh has a sister who has made a lot of mistakes in life and at 36 lives at home rent free with their parents and her three year old son (no dad). We, on the other hand, live four hours away with jobs and have an amazing four year old son. bc IL's not only live with her but watch her son for free while she works (but contributes nothing to household), everything is about him and not our son. We only get called when they need something, usually money. They never see our son without nephew around and never come and visit although we ask and have space for them. when we visit, we have to stay at a hotel bc they have no room bc of SIL and nephew.

One time our DS stayed with them overnight bc we were doing a fundraiser FOR FIL (transplant costs) which ran really late into the night. When we picked up DS the next day, we got complaints about how he wouldn't go to sleep. Well, sorry, he was in a new place over night without parents with him for first time ever, what do you expect? DS still talks about how grandma yelled at him and it's been almost a year. And no, DS is a really good kid - we always get compliments with how good he is when people watch him.

So after IL's said they couldn't possibly come visit us for easter bc nephew NEEDS them, dh, the brave man he is, sent an email (I didn't even know about it until after he did it) explaining nicely how he felt and asking that they spent more time with our son and to come to his hip hop recital on June 30. Their response? Cutting us off completely and telling them what an awful person I am. DH completely protected me and we haven't talked to them since. Sad thing is that DS hasn't even asked about them but always talk about my parents. And you know what? I know for a fact that not showing favoritism can happen bc my parents do it flawlessly. My parents and sister with two kids live 12 hours away from us in my hometown; and never once have I felt that they like them more than my son even though they even used to watch my sister's kids. In fact, my parents come up here at least four times a year to see my kids, we spend a week together at the beach and my son will not let us go to a beach unless my parents were there. just yesterday, we told DS we were going to the beach for the day and he got upset bc he said we couldn't go without them! So guess what - we went to a pool instead. And guess who is coming to my son's recital? yep, you guessed it, my parents 12 hours away.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, there are some good comments here....

I have had a few of my own inlaw-issues....

These are the comments I noticed here that you should take in good consideration.

1. It is your husband's family... It is his mother... He needs to handle it.

2. If it is really just too hard for you to see your daughter slighted, then, as mentioned, maybe you do need to step back. Personally, I can tell you, that when my husband is not able to go for the weekly (yes, every week without fail) visits to his mother's, there is simply NO way that I would be hauling my DS over there on my own. Just would not happen.

3. At this point, your daughter has learned how she feels about all of this... AS A PARENT, YOU DO NEED TO ACT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR DAUGHTER.... It is likely that she is emotionally caught up in the 'If I go over there all the time and 'please' my grandmother' then she will love me...' mode of thinking. This is an unhealthy mindset. If that is the case, I would not be enabling/encouraging that. I would openly, at this point, at your daughter's age, tell your daughter that her grandmother just IS the way she IS. And begin to come to terms with that.

Remember the old adage, you can not change other people's attitudes and actions.. But you can, and must, be responsible for your own attitudes and actions as you deal with it.

I would not let my daughter be hurt by continuing to hope and think that her grandmother should change.

4. We go, as a family, to my MIL's every single possible weekend. But, if there were that kind of drama that was hurtful to my son, I can promise you that this would not be the case. In fact, when FIL was still living, that was the case... At that point, as a parent, I had to stand up for my young child. I did tell my husband, no more. Either he went to his parents and cleared things up and told them that this would not be acceptable, or I and our son would simply not see them. I could not subject us to that kind of situation, ever again.

So, about 'calling somebody out'. I totally agree with the posters who say that they do not understand that. It can't be about 'calling them out'. But, in some cases, it might be necessary or appropriate to let them know where YOU are drawing the line. Where your healthy personal boundaries are.

My husband did go talk to his parents. His dad did offer an obligatory apology. (the situation had gotten so bad that he openly verbally accosted me and said many unacceptable things, right in front of my little son.) I can tell you that, even though we did see them, less frequently, and for much shorter visits... That was the last time I ever spoke directly with my FIL.

The bottom line...
You say you just want to pull away, walk away.
Everybody has a right to protect and maintain some healthy personal boundaries.
Nobody here knows the situation in full.
But, if after you do give all of this some serious consideration, and you decide that you truly do need to back away.... Then, I just want to say that this is an option.

And, again...
Where does your husband stand in all of this.
If you are beginning to feel that this is a toxic situation for your daughter and yourself, but your husband is not listening or stepping-up. Then, as is the case in many situations, this is not an inlaw issue, it is a marriage issue.

 

[ols386]

Just a thought, and this isn't directed to anyone on this thread, but I had a friend who complained about how her mother preferred her sister's kids and would baby sit for them and take them places, but wouldn't take her son. Her son was horribly behaved. He talked back, wouldn't listen, had temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. The grandmother couldn't control him and the mother wouldn't try, that's why the grandmother preferred spending time with her other grandchildren.

I could see this being the situation for some grandparents out there.

If you have a grandchild that behaves badly and is difficult to control, it may be just too much for some grandparents.

Not that they don't love the child, but that the child(ren) are too hard to take care of.