Mother-in-law.... ugh.

[DisneyBugs]

I'm so angry right now I could just spit!!! I needed to vent...

DD turns 5 on 12/10. DH and I decided about 3 weeks ago to have her party on 12/13 from 3-6. Photo invites were ordered and paid for 2 weeks ago on Snapfish. I received the invites in the mail last Saturday. I addressed them, and they are waiting to be mailed this Monday when DH returns to work (he works at the post office).

Meanwhile, it's the beginning of the holiday season. Everyone has lots going on. And every year there is a holiday gathering at DH's aunt's house. There are 4 kids w/ spouses and 3 grand kids on his aunt's side, and 3 kids w/ spouses and 5 grand kids on DHs mom's side.

I had sent an email to sister-in-law last weekend, telling her I was canceling a Body Shop House party scheduled for tomorrow night, and simultaneoulsy tossed out "by the way, Avery's party will be 12/13 rom 3-6 -- invites will go out next week".

Today, she replies to tell me she went to add Avery's party to her calendar, but she already had Auntie Gail's xmas party on her calendar for that day.

What. Hmmm. That's interesting -- first I'm hearing of it. Wish someone had told us.

Long story longer, I checked the phone messages today to see if the MIL called to leave us a message about it. I only had 2 caller IDs from her this week, and only 2 voicemails from her. Both messages were the same: calling to see how you're doing and if you've heard from Dan- call back when you can". DH is hunting in Maine this week so I'm dealing w/ the 2 Dchildren alone.

I called her back (at which piont I'm sure she had already heard from my sister in law...) and got some pathetic story about how she called 4 times this week, and perhaps 2 of them didn't record b/c the machine said something about hitting "#" when she was done leaving the message. (I have NO IDEA what she's talking about) - regardless, I only had 2 caller IDs and 2 messages on the machine -- niether of which referenced Auntie Gails' xmas party on 12/13 starting at 4:30. She also mentioned (this is the part that really gets me...) that they couldn't do X-date b/c so-n-so already had a work xmas party that day, and they couldn't pick Y-date b/c this other one had something planned that day....etc. Clearly everone else was asked/offered/considered.

Interesting. Not only were were not asked if X and Y dates would work for us, but we were not asked about 12/13 which clearly I cannot do. WHY you ask? Beats the heck out of me!!!!!!

So fellow Disers -- what do you think I should do? Change the date of my daughter's party and mark up the glossy finish invites that are already printed?? ...and succumb to her evilness once again, therefore letting her know she can continue to pull this crap and get away w/ it!?!? or -- keep my party, not go to Auntie Gails (just b/c I'm ticked off) and see if they make a special trip a lousy 17 mins away to my house to see their granddaughter and bring her their birthday present? (which I'm sure won't happen...they'll just wait til they see her on xmas...).

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Time for tylenol...

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

My inlaws do the same thing. We are always the last to be told about family events going on. I wouldn't change your DD's party. When my inlaws do this to me I just assume they really don't want us to show up anyway. I also don't have a whole lot of patience for them when they ask why we never come to the family events..."Well gee SIL if you had let us know a little more in advance than the day before the baby's birthday party, yeah we probably would have come."

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Which choice would be in the best interest of your child?

 

[Tink888]

I would just have your daughter's party on the date you planned and go to the family party late.

 

[sunnyday123]

I would hold DD's party and not change the dates. I assume they know she has a birthday each year around the same time. If so many other's were considered, why not her?

However, then you set yourself up for future issues with the in-laws and Christmas. But I would hold firm, and would also call her out on the missing calls. Sometimes caller id doesn't record a call, but I think only if there are like a billion already on it.

Good luck. I am just very very glad I don't have to deal with in-laws anymore. I like them much better now that I'm not related to them.

 

[kirbsam]

just do the right thing. not too difficult to figure out. you know what you should do, so suck it up and do it.

 

[DisneyBugs]

My inlaws do the same thing. We are always the last to be told about family events going on. I wouldn't change your DD's party. When my inlaws do this to me I just assume they really don't want us to show up anyway. I also don't have a whole lot of patience for them when they ask why we never come to the family events..."Well gee SIL if you had let us know a little more in advance than the day before the baby's birthday party, yeah we probably would have come."

Been there too!! We always get the invite to the neices birthdays the night before. I should expect this by now!! But for some silly reason I think that some year they'll send invites out. Silly silly me...

It's almost like being "set-up" -- tell us late, we don't show, then you get the 20 Qs about why you weren't there.

 

[DisneyBugs]

Which choice would be in the best interest of your child?

Keeping my date. She's very much looking forward to it (it'll be the first time she has classmates at her bday party) and it's been circled on the calendar for 3 weeks now -- she points it out almost every day. Honestly, all the grandkids hate going to this holiday party. It's like food, snacks, adults and chit chat. NOthing too exciting for a kid -- but this party is 'tradition'..... that's what makes this so hard.

 

[DebIreland]

I've often been so mad at my MIL it tears me apart BUT sometimes you need to stand back and look at it objectively and ask yourself if there really was any malice intended. I know they didn't ask you if you were available on that date but then again, trying to organise a family event for lots of people is very hard work and you can't take everyone's opinion on board - there comes a point you just have to pick a date and go with it and hope it comes off cause if you keep on calling people to discuss it, nothing would ever happen. I'm sure that's what happened here. Maybe she exaggerated about calling 4 times (when in fact it was twice) but still, she did call twice, it's not like she forgot about you and I guess it's not her fault you weren't available when she called. Maybe after the second call when she hadn't reached you she just thought she better go ahead and pick a date and stick to it.

 

[DisneyBugs]

just do the right thing. not too difficult to figure out. you know what you should do, so suck it up and do it.

I want to keep Avery's party, and if DH wants, he can go to Auntie Gails afterwards by himself. I feel that - based on their repeated lack of consideration for my family unit and our schedule - that they really could care less if we showed up or not. It's just the 20 Qs I don't want to have to deal w/ afterwards.

 

[vanillamickey]

I'm probably not the best person to answer this question, but I would call her and say that you can't come to the x-mas party bc your daughter's birthday is on that day. Keep it on the same day and don't mess up the invites. Besides, you daughter is probably looking forward to 12/13 (unless it's a surprise party, of course) and would be sad to have it pushed back. Your daughter would probably rather have her birthday party than go to a Christmas party. But that's IMO. I can't speak for your daughter or you.

Oh, and she is so stubborn that she won't see her granddaughter on her b-day party!?!? That's just crazy.

 

[wickey's friend]

Keeping my date. She's very much looking forward to it (it'll be the first time she has classmates at her bday party) and it's been circled on the calendar for 3 weeks now -- she points it out almost every day. Honestly, all the grandkids hate going to this holiday party. It's like food, snacks, adults and chit chat. NOthing too exciting for a kid -- but this party is 'tradition'..... that's what makes this so hard.

There is your answer. She'll have a great time -- in-laws will either get over it or not -- but your DD is what matters, right?

 

[DisneyBugs]

I would just have your daughter's party on the date you planned and go to the family party late.

Sounds simple! But (there's always a but) that would mean DHs mom, dad, brother/wife & 3 kids and his sister/husband wouldn't be coming to Avery's party. They make up almost half of the invites... MIL thought maybe "I" could move Avery's party up 2 or 3 hours. SURE!!! I'll have my daughters party at a time when DH is at work just to make you happy.... NOT!

 

[Anne34]

Keeping my date. She's very much looking forward to it (it'll be the first time she has classmates at her bday party) and it's been circled on the calendar for 3 weeks now -- she points it out almost every day. Honestly, all the grandkids hate going to this holiday party. It's like food, snacks, adults and chit chat. NOthing too exciting for a kid -- but this party is 'tradition'..... that's what makes this so hard.

I would give my daughter her birthday party!!!! This is a big day for her. Maybe your husband could split half his time at the party and half at his aunt's house.

I would not give in the the passive/aggressive MIL -- I Have one too.

 

[lulugirl]

I would just keep your Dd's party as planned.

If the other party is hosted by Aunt Gail, why is MIL at fault for not inviting you?

 

[DisneyBugs]

I've often been so mad at my MIL it tears me apart BUT sometimes you need to stand back and look at it objectively and ask yourself if there really was any malice intended. I know they didn't ask you if you were available on that date but then again, trying to organise a family event for lots of people is very hard work and you can't take everyone's opinion on board - there comes a point you just have to pick a date and go with it and hope it comes off cause if you keep on calling people to discuss it, nothing would ever happen. I'm sure that's what happened here. Maybe she exaggerated about calling 4 times (when in fact it was twice) but still, she did call twice, it's not like she forgot about you and I guess it's not her fault you weren't available when she called. Maybe after the second call when she hadn't reached you she just thought she better go ahead and pick a date and stick to it.

Thansk for the 'calmness' of your reply! I'm so wound up over this -- and I've even thought of what you described -- and she said her first call (one I have no record of) was to tell us about 12/13 for the Aunt's house... wouldn't you think when she called back 2 days later, she'd leave a message that said "how are you doing, did Dan call, and wanted to make sure you got my message about Auntie Gails" -- ?? -- ESPECIALLY after she gave me that excuse about my phone and she didnt' know if the message took b/c of the "#" button thing after the recording. Honestly I think she's full of it. ANd i've caught her red handed being 2-faced and kaniving before. I'd like to believe your suggestion -- but in reality, I feel that once again we're the after thought.

 

[EthansMom]

I would keep DD's birthday as-is. IMO, the first commitment should have some priority and that first commitment was your DD's party. There shouldn't be any problem with you saying "Sorry, I can't make Auntie's party because we already had plans."

If your family members can't make it to DD's birthday party, invite more friends!

 

[sha_lyn]

I've often been so mad at my MIL it tears me apart BUT sometimes you need to stand back and look at it objectively and ask yourself if there really was any malice intended. I know they didn't ask you if you were available on that date but then again, trying to organise a family event for lots of people is very hard work and you can't take everyone's opinion on board - there comes a point you just have to pick a date and go with it and hope it comes off cause if you keep on calling people to discuss it, nothing would ever happen. I'm sure that's what happened here. Maybe she exaggerated about calling 4 times (when in fact it was twice) but still, she did call twice, it's not like she forgot about you and I guess it's not her fault you weren't available when she called. Maybe after the second call when she hadn't reached you she just thought she better go ahead and pick a date and stick to it.

IfI am understanding the OP correctly the party is being throw by an aunt-in-law, not the MIL. Why would the MIL be the one to pick the date of the party?

I would just keep your Dd's party as planned.

If the other party is hosted by Aunt Gail, why is MIL at fault for not inviting you?

that is what I am wondering.

OP if you know the aunt throws a party every r around that time, why didn't you contact the aunt to check on the date. IMHO your MIL did nothing worng, but you dropped the ball by not checking with the aunt.

 

[DisneyBugs]

I'm probably not the best person to answer this question, but I would call her and say that you can't come to the x-mas party bc your daughter's birthday is on that day. Keep it on the same day and don't mess up the invites. Besides, you daughter is probably looking forward to 12/13 (unless it's a surprise party, of course) and would be sad to have it pushed back. Your daughter would probably rather have her birthday party than go to a Christmas party. But that's IMO. I can't speak for your daughter or you.

Oh, and she is so stubborn that she won't see her granddaughter on her b-day party!?!? That's just crazy.

YOU MUST KNOW HER!!!!!

 

[Oreo Cookie]

If you want to keep the date the same, go ahead. Your DD will still have a great time with her friends. Maybe schedule a family celebration for those who can't make it at a later time. Make it simple for the cake and coffee.

I wouldn't get into a fight. You MIL did call twice, so she was trying to get in touch with you. We don't know if she was going to tell you about the Xmas party, but she did call.

The holidays are always stressful. There's so much going on. I don't think anything was done with the intent to cause problems, so I wouldn't turn it into a big deal.