More Ex-Hubby advice needed (Very long)

[Melora]

Yes this is a long one again..but by now I guess you all know I can't keep it short!

My ex (who lives 2 states away) came and visited with my kids for the first time in 18 months, (Some of you might remember my griping about how he managed to spend very little time actually WITH them when he finally arrived).

The older kids (DDs 15 and 16) have been up to see him 2 times after he moved. My 8 year old has not.

After the last time the older kids went to visit with him I was very upset when they got home by some of the things that the "adults" allowed them to do.

Examples: Ex's wife allowed them to go into a tanning booth (NO WAY would I ever have allowed that) and both girls got severely(!!!) burned. 7 months later you can still the "tan" lines from where they burned and peeled on their backs.

They allowed the girls to drive into Seattle alone with the neighbor who had been in prison (20 years ago..but still!) for molesting a family member. Girls tried to rationalize this with me by saying they weren't sure if that was the exact charge).

Ex's wife allowed younger DD to dye her hair a wild red color without calling me. (OK this one isnt too bad but if it were me I would never allow a child who wasn't mine to do something like that without at LEAST consulting the mother) She even told my daughter that it was OK, as long as Mom Carol said it was OK..that was fine. (BLECH!)

They basically spent most of the time they were there watching TV for hours and hours on end and my ex spent very little time with them because of the way he is..he was either sleeping or holed up in the bathroom (Im not kidding, he can spend hours sitting in the bathroom).

So with that knowledge out there..my problem is now all of a sudden my ex wants to be a "dad" to my 8 year old. (Thank you very much but my husband is now the DAD. Hes the one who is devoting his life to raising him and caring for him and he's the one who is there for him since hes been 2 years old.) Up until now my ex has called and talked to Alex maybe once every 6 weeks for maybe 5 minutes. Alex calls my ex, "the other dad, Mark".

Suddenly "the other dad, Mark" wants to a dad. "Alex needs his father" he told me on the phone yesterday. "I want him to come up over the summer and spend time with me."

That whole thought makes me sick to my stomach. There is NO WAY I would send him up there! I do not like the way they take care of the other kids when they visited, and I certainly do not feel comfortable with how they would take care of him.

I told him if he wants to see him he can come and visit like he did this time but he doesn't hear that. Hes says "Alex needs to be around me where I live.."

Am I out of line....?? I really do not feel comfortable with him going there. I'm such a wuss and I hate confrontations and I am already trying to think of excuses that he can't leave this area over the summer. I have no problem with Alex seeing his dad but I want it to be here where I can supervise. I do not think Alex really wants to go away but when he talks to his dad on the phone he doesn't know what to say so he says "Yes, I'd like to go" because his dad makes it sound like they will have so much fun.

One quick last note........ when his dad was coming down here his wife talked to Alex on the phone and told him that his dad was going to do ALL this stuff with him including taking him to Universal Studios.. of course it didn't happen. He spent maybe 6 hours total (2 hours each on 3 days) with him and he was here for 5 days. I know if Alex went up there he would sit on his butt for days and days and do nothing. Or he would be passed off to his wifes son to entertain them like they did to the girls when they went up there.... His dad would NOT be spending a lot of time with him.

 

[TZMOM]

I can see how you can be upset. My ex (I've never re-married - how did you find someone else? I never had time. . . . ) used to live in Florida and now lives in Cleveland w/his 2nd wife.'

I've gone round & round w/him for the past 13 years about when my son will see him, etc. I hear all about the "I need time with him. . . ." I really think the sound of it sounds better than the actual doing of it, since all this "time" he needs usually ends up being about 7-8 days a year & he thinks that covers being a dad. Funny/sad how so many guys are the same - isn't it?

But what's in your Divorce Agreement? Does it spell out any special amount of time, where the visits should take place - whether in CA or otherwise? Unfortunately, I THINK (Im sure our states vary) your son will have to go & see him for a bit if he does have visitation. I totally understand being on pins and needles while he's gone. I used to basically sit in a dark room until mine came home safe and sound. I always thought my ex would wisk him away somewhere until I realized that being a dad is work - and my ex is allergic to that.

It also sounds like the new wife is saying/doing some bizarre stuff with your girls. Can you at least talk to her or is it very adversarial? I was the bigger person (if I do say so myself) and invited both ex & new wife to my home for dinner on several occasions when they came to visit my son (from wherever they were at the time.) My ex never said thank you, offered to pay for anything, helped clean up, etc. So, after 10 years of this behavior, he's not allowed in my home anymore if he can't look me in the eye or speak directly to me - bite me, dude.

I don't have really any words of wisdom, but buckets of compassion and good wishes for you. Your son will have to be strong if he doesn't want to go, then he has to say so - with you right by him. Would he be visiting with your girls? At least that way, they can all keep any eye on each other.

Feel free to PM me - as you can probably tell, I'm still bitter over my ex and his past & present treatment of me. Getting better, but still very resentful.

Good luck to you and keep me posted.

 

[NHAnn]

I feel for you Melora....and I feel for your son too. Such a difficult situation. Yikes, this part actually made my tummy go queasy:

I told him if he wants to see him he can come and visit like he did this time but he doesn't hear that. Hes says "Alex needs to be around me where I live.."

My ex and yours sound cut from the same cloth...except mine's new wife is very nice and has a lot more common sense and consideration than my ex does, and a much better grasp on my DD's best interests.
I remember reading parts of your other thread...but I can't remember if your ex has any explicit visitation rights?
I know you don't like confrontation, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.
No words of advice, just offering some commiseration!!

 

[Melora]

We don't have anything in our divorce agreement about visitation. I believe it just says that whatever we agree on.

He moved 4 years after we were divorced so there was no talk about out of state visitation.

My ex has never paid any child support. During the divorce his mother handled all the paperwork and I knew better than to try to have child support put into any agreement. My ex is also allergic to work and I knew getting money from him was never meant to be.

Funniest thing.. and to show how out of touch he is.... he called last night and asked about Alexs violin which had its chin rest borken off last week. We have not had it fiixed due to 100 other pressing problems but he can still play it. We also have issues that its a rental and we are trying to figure out if we want to take it into the store or do it ourselves so they don't charge us. Anyway Mark asks me on the phone if we havent gotten it fixed for monetary reason and if so he will send some money........

He knows we have no issues with money.. he knows he is barely squeeking by and are really struggling.... I simply did not know what to say. Not too often I am speechless!

 

[PhotobearSam]

Excuse the word but "he LL" no...There is NO WAY I would send my small child into a home where they think nothing of allowing a SEX OFFENDER to be around children...Point.

They have both shown to deficient in parental skills and his lack of real interest and child support are bad enough but having influence your child is another.

I would ask this question..."What will my child gain by going to see his father?"

I think your child would be bored, unmotivated, hurt by the lack of time your ex would spend with him, learn new skills like 2 hour bathroom breaks and maybe even become allergic to work.

Does your son do a lot a home like clean his room and make his bed...? I bet you ex would not make sure his good habits would continue.

Would you WORRY every second he is gone...? Not just a little normal worry but IS HE SAFE type of worry? If you say YES to this, DON'T LET HIM GO!!!

If your ex wants to see him he can get his but off his couch, get a clue and come to see him at your house and PROVE he deserves the right to longuer visits...If your EX complains...Tough!!!

Your were right about your current husband being the DAD...It only takes one swimmer to make a baby and become a father but it takes caring, love, support and stability to be a DAD...Your ex is not a DAD...

I would just leave it as I'm his mother and I think he is too young to be away from home that long and does not know your ex enough to be comfortable for a long visit...He can still visit and that is that.

Don't ignore your feelings...Moms have instincts for a reason...If your gut says no...SAY NO.

You are probably right. Your son can choose later but at this age...You know best.

I was molested by a man when I was younger and the fact that your Ex saw nothing wrong with endagering your DD's wellbeing is sign enough for me that he is not a DAD. Unforgiveable...

He doesn't want to spend time with your kids...He just want to feel less guilty about the lack of time he does spend with them. Don't give him an easy way out..

I'm sorry that I'm soooo opinionated about this but I can't help it. If I have overstepped...Please forgive me.

 

[joshsmom]

I totally agree with PhotobearSam. Your son's health, safety, and well being are worth so much more than an ex being ticked! Even though you may not like confrontation, you have to put your foot down. Anyone that would totally disregard the safety of his OWN DAUGHTERS, who are evidently older than your son, would not put forth the effort to protect him either--and he's more vulnerable due to his age. There is NO WAY I would allow my 8 year old to go. I know that you are battling yourself, but TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! Your children's safety depends on it.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>My recommendation is to tell Alex's dad that that is great that he wants to spend more time with Alex, and ask him when he is going to move closer so that he can see more of his children and participate in their lives.

He made the decision to move away from his children and remove any responsibility to raise them. It's up to him to move closer so that he can participate in their lives without yanking them from their home and secure surrondings.

If I were in your shoes, I would not send my 8 year old to a parent in the same circumstances you described.

 

[Lucky4me]

I wouldn't let any of my kids visit him-ever! I don't think there is a court in the world who would disagree.

As far as the violin money, I would have said Okay, send me $10,000 and we'll call it even.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have to say NO! My reason would be the recent visit. Your ex based on his own behavior, made it crystal clear that he did NOT have his OWN children best interests at heart.

Also your gut instinct says NO!

Yes I wish he was different too but sending a child to him will not make your ex different, but it will change your child. I fear it would change him for the worst.

Good Luck with whatever you decide!

 

[luv2nascar]

he don't pay he don't say
He has NEVER paid child support but want to demand your son go out of state to be with him
Yeah right dude go pound sand
you want to see him come here and have day visits when I say its okay
I totally agree that it sounds good but he wouldn't want to do it for any length of time too much work
hugs and hope it all works out for you

 

[goofy4tink]

My ex was always pretty good about being a dad. He took the kids almost every week-end. But, we did have some issues. So, I hear what you're saying. My advice....tell ex thanks for the thought, but son is too young to be that far away. But he (the ex) was welcome to visit in your town. If this doesn't go over well, it may be time to get to court. There are just too many things that could happen with your son that far away. You are his strongest advocate. After the choices your ex and his wife made with the girls, I just would not trust them to take good care of an 8 y/o. Just a thought here.....have you discussed this with the girls? What would their thoughts be on their little brother being with 'dad' (and I use the term quite loosely!)? Not that they get a say, but I'm just curious what they would say.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Since you do not like confrontation why don't you get your DS involved in little league or some other summer sport where he has to be at practice on a regular basis? That might be a way out of the summer visitation.

TC

 

[Disney Doll]

I have some words of advice for you....call a lawyer!!!!!!

You have no agreement in your divorce decree regarding visitation...that means it is as open to him to fight for custody/visitation as it is for you. My advice would be to beat him to the punch and go for sole custody. You have plenty of poof as to why he is not fit...child molester frined, no support in x years, moved away, minimal contact until just recently when he wants to be a dad, bad judgement with regard to what is allowed for the older children who have visited.

You don't like confrontation??? Well, learn to, because this is oyur child's well-being you're talking about, and you owe it to him to protect him from this loser!

 

[kylara]

I have to agree with the others. You ex showed poor judgement letting your daughters be alone with someone who did time for molestation. I know it was a long time ago, but the recidivism rate is very high so they shoudn't have been alone with him. Your daughters are older and at least able to fend for themselves a bit, your son is still only 8 and shouldn't be put into that type of situation. I would calmly explain to your ex that you are not comfortable with your son traveling so far away from home at such a young age. Also explain that he is relatively a stranger even if he is your sons father. Ask him to come stay in your town with his current wife, so you son is able to get to know him better and be more comfortable. At this point, don't be afraid to speak for your son...as you said, he is young and might not want to disappoint his father. But the fact that he doesn't call him "dad" but instead "the other dad, Mark" speaks volumes to how he feels.

And as others have said, you might want to contact a lawyer in case this ends up in court. While you might not like confrontations, I am sure you will do it for your son's safety or you wouldn't have posted here. Good Luck.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

How hard this must be for you and for your son. He's not sure how he feels about a dad who just appears in his life and you want what's best for Alex. I'm sorry things are difficult and complicated.

But as others have said better than I can - what has this man done to deserve a relationship with any of these children? Contributed to their support? Nope! Participated in their lives on their terms and to THEIR benefit? Nope! Compromised his life in any way to take care of them? Nope!

Visitation is for the child's benefit, not the "parent". How will Alex benefit? Packed off to a place he's never been to people he barely knows because a "father" he can't remember decides Alex needs this? That's BS! This turkey feels he has rights because he made your pregnant? Perhaps he does have some but he also has responsibilities, the lazy lowlife! (This is where my friend would say, "Come on Mary Alice, tell us what you really think!")

I do think you need to consult an attorney about the legalities and for one other reason. What would happen to Alex and his sisters if something happened to you? Not trying to be ghoulish or anything but I'm guessing the 'x' would have legal right to custody if you don't arrange something else legally binding. And if this knucklehead has never provided support why not sue to sever his parental rights, have your current DH adopt them?

Your 'x' sounds a great deal like my younger brother, useless to his children and the world in general. Why does he have rights the supercede the rights of your children to safety, security and financial well being? Is he the father figure you want for Alex?

Sorry, rant over. I think you get my message.

 

[shortbun]

Yep, it's time to pay some more money to your lawyer.
Find out what you need to know and how to keep this
visit from happening until your DS is older. Ask your Ex
to come to you and visit again. If you must allow the visit,
get your DS a cell phone so he can call you anytime, day
or night if he needs you. Teach him how to use it without problem. Also, ask DH to limit his exposure
to others, no adventures with anyone not in the family, etc.
If he ends up watching TV for 10 days, he won't be the only
8 yo watching that much TV this summer. I don't like the
trip with the felon thing. I'd specifically talk to exdh about
that one-even now. Tanning booth and hair color could have
happened in lots of families. Not your mores but not unheard
of for teenage girls-they probably loved it! Listen, I totally agree
with you but facts are, you might have to agree to this visit.
While you are trying to stop it, also start preparing your son with
the skill he will need to make sure he is ok.
mimi

 

[Serena]

I won't repeat what everyone has said. Only to please follow their advice.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[jipsy]

You say money for you is not an issue. Then you need to get a lawyer NOW.

We don't have anything in our divorce agreement about visitation. I believe it just says that whatever we agree on.

He moved 4 years after we were divorced so there was no talk about out of state visitation.

My ex has never paid any child support. During the divorce his mother handled all the paperwork and I knew better than to try to have child support put into any agreement. My ex is also allergic to work and I knew getting money from him was never meant to be.

Why in the world did you allow HIS mother to handle the paperwork?

No one likes confrontation, but this is your children you are talking about. You need to get to a lawyer and either get sole custody, OR get child support and set times for visitation. If he truly wants to be part of Alex's life, he will have no problem with that.

Stop letting him run you over.

 

[Melora]

Thank you all for your wonderful support! Its so great to know I'm not over reacting.

To answer a couple of questions.... I let his mom handle the paperwork way back when because when I left him I had absolutely NO money what so ever. ZIPPO! I had the elcetricity turned off in the house twice and barely could buy gorceries. I was even on food stamps for awhile. He had taken away my car because he calimed he was "working". (Actually he wanted the car so he could drive his 20 year old girlfriend around! )I had to go and make my mother lend me her car (she couldnt drive anymore but was very protective of it.. she wouldnt just lend it to me even though I was having the problems I was). I had no way of getting the kids to school or myself to work. And I was REALLY working!

Thank the maker I found my husband, Jeff. He took me and my 4 kids in and paid for us to move in with him (ACK..back then it was all 6 of us in a 3 bedroom apt) and he bought me a brand new car! Since then I have been lucky enough to recieve a good size inheritance and together with Jeff we have made a very comfortable nice life for oursleves.

But before that when I was going through the divorce it was just easier to have her file the paperwork etc. I read everything carefully and it was probably the best I could get at the time. Mark had not worked (said he was not mentally capable of working) and had recently been in jail on drug charges (ACK..talk about telling too much.... but its true.... that was my last straw when that happened... he wasn't like this when I met and married him but he kept going down hill and that was the wake up call that made me realize I should NOT be with him). I knew I would never get any money from him..that it would be a battle I didnt want to fight. I just wanted him out of my life and away from me and the kids. He did NOT want a divorce so I felt lucky that he finally agreed. But I think meeting his grilfriend was what prompted him to agree to one.

At first he used to take the kids one day a week (usually Sunday) but when he got hot and heavy with his new YOUNG lady (a sweet girl but closer to my daughters age than his!) he stopped coming to get them altogether because he wanted to spend Saturday night with her. Eventually he met and married his wife who is 15 years older than him at 57. Shes nice but a real ditz and controlling to a fault. Whenever he calls I can hear her in the background telling him what to say.

SO....... I asked Alex today if he wanted to go up North and he said he thought it would be fun.... **SIGH** I still won't let him go but it will be harder if he thinks he might enjoy it. Now I have to convince that it most certainly will NOT be fun. My girls are very sweet and would never say anything bad about their dad even though they know what he is like. But it took them awhile to understand. Early teens at least. Before that they had nothing but nice things to say about him and I do not really think they understood exactly what he was like. It took them spending some extended time with him one summer a few years ago to finally GET it.

I would like to get full custody but I do not know how to go about that. ARGH!! the thought of having to deal with his mom. His step dad is or was a judge and used to a lawyer so I am at a disadvantage because he has all the legal help he needs at the drop of a hat. And his mom and step dad know the legal system inside and out. If they wanted, they can probably make it very difficult for me to obtain full custody. But maybe his mom will think its a good idea.. I don't know!