Moms of boys - please help! (Updated post #144)

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

First things first, congratulations to you & your husband! You have evey right to your feelings and I hope at some point you can speak to your husband. A new baby brings on all kinds of feelings for both of you & he may have his own thoughts that he is nervous to share out of fear of upsetting or disappointing you. I do have a son, now 26 & he was my first child. All of the things you mentioned, errands, cooking, movies, vacations- we have done all of those things together. Whether you have 1 child or 20, each child & each relationship with that child is unique & precious. Try not to put expectations on your new baby, you will meet him, hold him, comfort him & he will be yours to love forever. His personality, likes & dislikes will start to show up everyday. You will see parts of yourself & your husband in him and you will wonder what you ever did before he came into your life.

 

[jevs]

To begin with gender disappointment is very real and very common and is hardly ever talked about so well done for reaching out to others.

With the bonding examples you’ve given, you can still do all those with either sex. All my kids loved helping out when they were little ( not so much now) and all still enjoy cooking. There is no guarantee that boys will be into sports, my eldest has zero interest in both sport or cars - his dad was really into both so there wasn’t a lack of exposure in the younger years. Ditto with girls, my daughter has zero interest in traditional girly things.

You are going to find plenty of things and opportunities to bond with your son. Congratulations by the way, new babies are awesome

 

[jt'smom]

Congratulations! And as for the joys of boys, well, I have loved raising my kid up to 21 and in college! I think that boys and their moms have a very special bond, just like girls and their dads do. My son and I are very close, not "momma's boy" close lol, but we spend as much together time doing our common interest things, as he does with his dad. The one thing that does sort of tug at my heart is knowing that when he gets married, I won't get to do all the bride related stuff, like a mom with a daughter, but I've told him that I will be the very best mother inlaw on earth, so maybe his future bride will allow me to go when she tries on wedding dresses if I promise to sit quietly and only say how gorgeous she looks in everything she tries on

 

[martikus]

Completely understand! I had the same feelings in fear of having a girl. I was a tom boy and wouldnt know what to do with a girl.

I ended up having a boy but wanted you to know it is ok to be upset. It was explained to me it is being upset with the idea/picture you had of future. It’s ok to mourn it. Once baby is here you won’t ever think of it again.

My son is actually closer to me than his dad. “Mama mama mama” is first thing he says before delivering any statement even now at 11. He wants to sit with me anywhere we go to the point we joke he is giving DH a complex. You will find things you enjoy doing with your son - mine wishes I was a better cook and could teach him lol.

And the girl drama between girls is real and starts early. I am sooooo glad to have a boy when it happens.

I promise when the kid arrives you will
Love it and not think twice of the gender. The clothes will never be as good but at least you probably won’t fight with your son about crop tops and short shorts as they grow older LOL.

 

[HannaBelle]

OP, feel free to vent!

When you are pregnant you have all of these hopes and dreams about the potential of what could be.

After giving birth, you hold your new baby in your arms. Feel the heat, its weight, its realness. Slowly the baby of your heart fades and there will be no doubts about your little boy.

Have your pity party, pout and mourn what could have been. There will be room in your heart for this new baby when he arrives. Don’t doubt yourself, this is normal.

If you are still having these feelings after delivering, talk to your doctor. Post partum depression is very real and debilitating. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Good luck and congratulations!

 

[wenrob]

I was afraid of having a boy. All I knew was “girl.” But I have to tell you, there’s nothing like having a son. Boys are pretty awesome. I know it’s hard to believe now but one day you’ll wonder why you were so scared. It’s going to be okay, I promise.

 

[ronandannette]

OP, I don't judge your feelings harshly; I can relate. I've only got one child and for many reasons I did.not.want. a daughter. When ultra-sound indicated a boy I was happy, but honestly so nervous about it that I spent the remaining months on pins and needles that there had been a mistake. I braced myself in the delivery room for the words "it's a girl". Blessedly, our son did arrive as predicted. I'd like to say that we would have been delighted with a girl and in hindsight of course I know it's true. But all the same, I'm grateful I didn't have to find out.

I'm afraid this isn't too encouraging but I do want to urge you to absorb the wisdom of others on this thread. When your child is born you will love him like you never knew you could love anyone. Whether it's more or less than you would have loved a girl won't matter; it will be enough. I wish you well.

 

[superme80]

I have 3 boys. Cried every time. I wanted a girl. Wouldn't change them for the world. Did wish they brought a twin sister with them. You grow as a parent and learn to appreciate who your son is. Yes it takes time. And yes I still get wistful every time I walk by the Girl's dept. And yes I do get insanely jealous that my friends all have girls. It is what it is. I love my boys. I love them as individuals and I love them together. They are like the 3 Musketeers. Always together. I know one day they will grow up and start to drift apart, but for now I am enjoying them together. I am also thankful my husband doesn't have a problem with them dancing. I am a dancer and it was something I want to pass on to my children. My older 2 love dance. Youngest doesn't care, so he will find his own activity in time. The feelings do get easier. Hang in there. If you need to cry over a cup of tea or a soda or even a snickers bar, DO IT! Let them out. Then when your son is born you have room for your feelings of love. They will come.

 

[kellyarms20]

I have one of each and I love them both dearly. My son was a MUCH easier baby and wanted just me all the time - to the point that it got kind of exhausting when he was a baby - but I wouldn't change anything about that time in our lives. We're very close. He loves his dad too, but we definitely have a special bond. I love my daughter too! (so, so much) - but since we're talking little boys, I'll tell you he has been an absolute joy and the light of our family! He's 13 now, and has started the 13 year old attitude, but he's still my sunshine. He still tells me every day, "I love you so much, mom." Boys are so special with moms, IMO. He'll be your biggest fan.

I remember worrying so much when I was pregnant with my children. As soon as I saw each of them, I was just in love. When you see him for the first time, I bet all the doubt will disappear. He'll be yours and you'll be his and it will be perfect.

 

[kellyarms20]

I can tell you this....girl drama is way hard to deal with when they are teens. LOL. My son is MUCH easier to manage as a teen than my daughter. When I was first pregnant, and didn't know what I was having just that it was twins, I said "one of each would be perfect, but please God, not two girls."

It will be fine. Once your son is born, you will quickly learn that it doesn't matter at all.

I'm a girl with a twin brother! He's one of my favorite people in the world.
ETA: I gave my parents MUCH more hell than my brother did.

 

[MamaLema]

I had the same feelings as you did, although I never found out the gender. I am an only child and only had females in my life.

My boys are 14,19 and 21 and I thank God every day for blessing me with such a great family.

It took me a long while but now I’m happy I don’t have girls and realize my life is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can try to understand!
I was also raised around girls. And, was simply not as familiar with, or comfortable with, the idea of boys.
I always wanted a boy and a girl. But, yes, I will still admit, MOSTLY a girl!!!!
We were only blessed with one child. An only son. (Just as my DH was an only son)

Being pregnant, and with your first child, can be a very emotional time!!!
And, it is okay to have the dream and preference!!!

Is there any chance that you will have another child one day that might be a baby girl?
In my mind, I kind of see myself with my first grandchild being that little girl that I didn't get to have...
But, one never knows!!!!

Anyhow, I am wondering if, if some way, it is not being upset about a boy, but feeling like you are grieving over a loss. The loss of that dream. As I re-read your post, I think maybe 'greif' is what I am picking up on.

Knowing that I would probably have only one child, and would never have that little girl... I could def. understand that, as well.

If this is just a strong preference, and hormonal emotions... then hey, it is what it is, and it is okay!!!!
I would not be too concerned unless you think it might be more than that.

If you can connect with and parent a girl, then you can connect with a boy.
Is it different... Maybe so... But, every child and every relationship is different !!!
Give yourself some time.

 

[DisneyElite4]

The one thing that does sort of tug at my heart is knowing that when he gets married, I won't get to do all the bride related stuff, like a mom with a daughter, but I've told him that I will be the very best mother inlaw on earth, so maybe his future bride will allow me to go when she tries on wedding dresses if I promise to sit quietly and only say how gorgeous she looks in everything she tries on

My MIL has been invited to do all the same things as my mom. She picked out and purchased my veil, helped in the wedding planning, stayed with me after each of my children were born, etc. I am just as close with her as my own mother and share with her about many personal things with the kids. She has two other adult children, but my DH is the only one who got married and had children. You will be a great MIL someday!

 

[rodeo65]

Congratulations - a healthy baby!! That to me was the first hurdle - for us because we started later I was so concerned we'd have complications.

I have one of each. Boy first and DH was thrilled. I don't fully remember the feelings during my pregnancy and we didn't find out ahead of time but I remember feeling wistful I guess is the best description when he was born. With our second we decided to find out the gender but did not do amnio to be completely sure. Our ultrasound showed a boy. I was always very connected to my paternal grandmother - who had three boys. All of those boys had boys - except for me! When the ultrasound said boy I kinda figured - yep, sounds right and then I do remember feeling sad that I'd never get to do girly things as we were only planning on having two. When DD arrived I completely lost it. Couldn't believe I was going to get to do hair and nails

So fast forward 15 years. I was always heavily bonded to both my kids. My son was definitely a rough and tumble kid and his dad did do the wrestle on the floor games with him, but I was a stay home mom and DH was starting a business then, so very busy. DS and I were super close. And remain so aside from the teenage absurdity that crops up. He ended up choosing ballroom dance as his sport after exposure to everything from Karate to Soccer and multiple musical instruments - dance was where he landed. I happen to love latin and ballroom and have taken many lessons with him - well in the early days until he got too fast to keep up with. It's me that spends hours in a studio with him, drives to competitions etc.

DD and I were soo close when she was young. We still are to an extent, but I definitely have noticed a shift in the past year or two as high school drama grows. She is 15 going on 30 and I know nothing, of course. We did do many years of hair and makeup, shopping and girl talks. I hope they help carry us through these years. She still comes to me with stuff but I get a lot more eye rolls. I remember being that way with my mom and it came back in my late teens / early 20's so I'll hope for the same.

You and your baby boy will find your own groove and grow into each other. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and know that it will all work out. If you only have boys, eventually they'll have girl friends, girlfriends, wives etc...you won't lack for girl exposure, just maybe not the way you'd pictured.

 

[yoopermom]

I forgot to add that our DS is gearing up to ask his longtime GF to marry him, so I *am* getting a daughter, just 23 years later, and all grown up so I get to miss those teen years! She is sweet, kind, and loves our DS with all her heart. When I hug her, I know I couldn't have asked for a more lovely "daughter".

Terri

 

[Skippy918]

My first was a boy and when we found out at the ultrasound I was sad that it wasn’t a girl, but then over time I got excited about the prospect of a son and then got into picking out his nursery decorations and painting his room. Then he was born and he was the cutest little baby on the planet. He’s 9 now and still gives me hugs and goodnight kisses. I’m more amazed at how fast he’s growing and how much he can eat. I can also fit into his shoes.
My 2nd was a girl and she is my mini-me. She is more drama sometimes and shows her emotions moreso than ds.

 

[Erin1700]

I completely understand! My kids are six years apart and my oldest is a girl. When I found out we were having a boy, I cried. I had no clue how to handle boys! I didn't know how to dress them, nothing!
Let me tell you, little boys are the best! There is nothing sweeter than a little boy who loves his mommy. My son is 10 now and still a complete mama's boy. Little boys are messy, wild and crazy one minute and coming for hugs the next. I promise you, he will steal your heart.
But I get how you feel RIGHT NOW, so please message me if you want to talk.

 

[DisneyElite4]

Boy mom here! I have two boys and one girl - my kids are still little so this is pretty recent for me, but I had the EXACT same feelings with my first. We had had all girls in my family and I just assumed I would have a girl. I wanted to buy all the girl things and do all the girl stuff, so I was disappointed when we found out it was a boy.

I am so, so, SO happy I have my boys. I ADORE them. They are very different from each other, but each just the sweetest, most lovable kids ever. This is ridiculous and immature, but one of my fears was that a boy wouldn't be as "cute" as a girl. Nope. Totally unfounded fear. Naturally I think my boys are the most cutest, adorable humans on this planet now. My boys are only 5 and 3, but I have enjoyed the heck out of being their mom. (Love being a girl mom also!)

Your feelings are normal and ok. Also, don't feel bad if the love doesn't hit you immediately after birth. It's different for every mother. It was pretty immediate after my first, but it took me a long time after my twins birth. You aren't a bad mom for feeling this way, and you aren't a bad mom if it takes some time of caring for your son every day for that unconditional love to kick in. But it WILL happen and you will love him immensely and be so glad you have a boy - I promise!

 

[Neesy228]

I have two boys and a girl. I was always the tomboy with lots of male friends throughout my life, and I always wanted boys, so I can't help you with that aspect...but I can tell you how awesome my boys are and how awesome your little boy will be. My sons are now 16 and 14 and I love hanging out with them. They're funny and smart and they are still coming to me with questions or concerns - even at these ages! I go to baseball, football and hockey games with my younger son. I listen to my older son talk about computer parts and games and the cool cars hes been looking at. We have a wonderful relationship. They are so much less drama and tears than my daughter.

When your son is small, you will be his favorite person on the planet. He will crawl into your lap to read a book, or pull you over to play trucks on the floor or cry for you when he is scared or sad. As he gets bigger, you get to be his biggest fan and most ardent supporter. You will love the bond you have with him and you will find it unbelievable that you ever even felt this way. Take a deep breath and just know that it's ok. Give yourself time to "come to terms" with the idea of a son, then find the joy in it -- go shopping for some boy clothes, pick up a few things for the nursery etc.

I promise that this time next year, you won't be able to imagine life without your son.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I have two boys, ages 22 and 19. I can tell you that boys are awesome and they love their moms! My boys are both very sweet and hilariously funny! I've listened to my friends who have girls and the drama is just insane sometimes. As early as kindergarten, they were having problems with clothes and hair. One mom shopped for days finding a backpack her daughter would use. I would ask my boys, "Do you want the blue one or the gray one?" The answer: "I don't care. Surprise me."