Mom's...I need your advise for dealing with my DD4 temper and distructive behavior

[MB MinnieGirl]

I'm the single mom to a beautiful little 4 year olf girl named Maddie. She is generally very loving, caring, affectionate, and smart. However for the past week or so....I'm pulling my hair out

First of all - I do not expect her to be good all the time - I do not expect perfection at all. I know that 4 year olds can be a handful - like all kids. I know that they have tempers. I guess there has just been so much from her in the past week or so - I'm at my wits end to be honest and I'm looking for suggestions from other parents who have been there done that and still have hair after it's over. She has drawn on the computer desk, painted my coasters in the living room with nail polish, thrown a pair of shoes at the wall, and put a hole in the bathroom wall with her stool when she got angry (she threw the stool down when I simply ask her to move it)...all in the past 2 days

Punishment - oh yea been doing it - she has lost TV, videos, computer games, a birthday party she was invited to, and has been restricted to her room and to bed early. I am not one who does not believe in spanking - I just know that it does not work for Maddie.

I love my baby girl and do not always expect smooth sailing as a mom....I'm just wondering if there is something that other mom's out there have done in these situations that perhaps I haven't thought of. Any advise is appreciated. And please, do not think that she is violent or evil, I almost hate posting this because I am afraid somebody will think I have this horrible child...she's not - we are just having a tough time right now. Thanks for understanding...

 

[cati]

xx

 

[mom2alix]

It really sounds like you have some underlying stress going on somewhere. If this is unusual behavior for her, I'd try talking to her about whether something is bothering her.

Has she recently started preschool or had some other change in her routine? Have you been working longer hours than usual? Any changes in her diet or sleep patterns? I know my DD is usually a pretty good kid, but I really have to make sure she eats regularly (that's her misbehavior trigger). Low blood-sugar turns that child into a bit of a monster.

So often our kids act out and drive us crazy because they just don't have the communication skills to tell us something else is wrong in their lives.

Hugs to you! It's so hard when they're being difficult, but keep in mind that when she tells you "I love you mommy", you know why it's all worthwhile.

 

[diznygirl]

My little boy has these stages - he's 4 1/2 now. They last a few weeks. My husband and I repeat that over and over - "it'll only last a few weeks!" LOL

The "just stick to your guns advice" is right on - and "this too shall pass." Sounds cliche, but it's true. Regardless of the "WHY" they are doing it - it's still unacceptable behavior, so don't feel guilty. Just be extra loving when she is well-behaved - reward the good stuff.

Stay consistent, and eventually they stop and become the wonderful little creatures we know they really are!


Hang in there!

 

[wmarsich]

Have you tried some positive reinforcement. What has worked like a charm for my DD is a little behavior chart on the refrigerator in which we name two behaviors (in positive terms) and she gets stickers for demonstrating the behavior within specified time periods and then "turn in her chart" for some preferred activity or a special outing. The key is you have to be very consistent, specific about the behavior, and make sure she wants the reinforcer and can't get it any other way. I do use time-out when the behavior is really unacceptable, but generally she responds better when she is trying to get rewards. Time-out is just a way for her to be away from the things she wantes to have, like me, her toys, etc... We don't use behavior charts all the time, just when she is "going through a stage." Maybe she can earn the things she wants by getting the stickers, rather than having things taken away when she misbehaves. You also might want to structure her time more rigidly and try to monitor her closely right now so that she can't get away with some of the things your describing for a while. Sounds like she might be trying to get some more of your attention (no accusations intended)

 

[disneygals]

Welcome to the fearsome 4's! I have 3 girls, so I know all about them. Some kids don't respond well to punishment, time-outs, etc. For the very stubborn, it can make them worse.

I would also recommend positive reinforcement. Focus on the behavior that is the worst. Seems like she needs help respecting "things". You could give her a sticker sheet or small toy for every day that she doesn't act out.

I did this when my 4 year old was hurting her 2 yo sister. I resisted it totally, it seemed insane to reward a child for not hitting her sister and I thought that I would be giving her a treat forever. Well, it worked in less than a week and then we tapered off the stickers.

I also around this age started telling her every night before bed 10 wonderful things about her. It's so easy to get stuck in the "bad" stuff.

Good Luck

Vivienne

 

[Jasminesmommy]

Sorry it never ends.My little brat is going on 7. I believe this weekend though there must of been a full moon cause my daughter was off the wall. My mom came to visit and said she won't be comming back because of her behavior which is usually not this bad. And I don't blame my mom one bit.

 

[Ibelieveinfairies]

I vote for the positive reinforcement, as well...I truly believe that children tend to misbehave when they have a need that is not being met (don't worry, I am not saying that you are not meeting her needs...I am just saying that as children grow and change sometimes their needs change seemingly quickly...add to that anything that might be a stressor...illness? new situations? stress in your life? etc...that knowing all the time what they need can be a challenge.)
If she seems to be doing it for your attention, give her plenty of opportunity to gain attention in positive ways. After thinking about the situation for awhile you discover that it might be something physically (i.e. unsymptomatic ear infection, cold coming on, etc.) or emotionally (bad dreams, hard time w/friends, etc.) going on with her. If so, do what you can to help her feel better.
I find that just talking about what kind of behavior you expect and why is very important, too...perhaps she is testing her limits and you can help her define them with a dialogue with her about being a respectful member of your family.
Parenting is one of the most difficult and yet the most rewarding job anyone takes on...
Remember to breathe, try to stay on the positive side of discipline, and know that you have the most powerful tool of all to deal with any difficulties she might present: your love!

 

[RNMOM]

I thought my kids were worse at 4 than 2 or 3. They are very self aware and trying to figure out how to be an independent human being.

Sometimes it is possible to get into what I call a "negative" phase, for lack of a better word. Have you ever noticed you seem to go through cycles where you can be happy and playful really easily and then suddenly everone seems to be grousing at one another? Well, I have.

If I could suggest, maybe try to plan some activity for just you and her that is not really a reward but a chance for the two of you go talk together under pleasant circumstances. Maybe a happy meal at the park followed by some time on the swings together. Ask her if something is making her sad or angry. Is she afraid of something? Ask her what she feels about how things have been going between the two of you. Take the opportunity to tell her how you feel about having your belongings/home damaged. See if you can develop a plan to help each other so neither of you have to go through a cycle like this again.

Most importantly, take the time to read stories, tickle, laugh together. Even if you are mad at her. It is hard but a lesson she needs to learn from you by example.

Children who are depressed often act out. Not to say that is the problem but if it continues I would speak with her doctor about her behavior.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have a 4 1/2 yo son who is a real handful (more than a couple weeks ). He had an especially bad couple of days last week and it turned out he was getting sick. It's almost like he has two personalities, the nice, sweet, talking to his crayons personality and then the devil-child. I alternate thinking, "this, too, shall pass" and "these are the good ol days".

Like others have asked, are you or her going through anything new that is stressful or have there been any major changes? Of course major to a 4yo could have a different meaning to a 4yo than to us adults.

My son is very sensitive to my moods and to the dynamics of the household (I have 3 other children, who are 10, 13, and 16). He has a hard time, especially during the school year when he's used to having them gone all day and then the end of the school day rolls around and they're suddenly in his face and needing attention from me. He loves them, but has a hard time with that transition.

Hang in there with your daughter. Maybe try to figure out some extra things to do with her to keep her active--taking a walk, playing a game, helping you cook, etc. Anything to keep things positive. Remember, "this, too, shall pass!".

T&B

 

[crazymomof4]

I agree with many previous posters who suggest talking to her to find out why there has been this recent change in behavior. Some other thoughts:

*Make sure she understands that it's the behavior that you do not like, that you still love HER very much. Continue to show her affection even if you are frustrated by her behavior.

*The positive reinforcement/ sticker sheet is a good idea. I did this to get my 3rd son to eat more fruits & veg. At the end of a week with X amount of stars he got a prize (at this age they are often pleased by dollar store stuff!)

*Notice and praise her good behavior. This is something I had to work on bc. I found I had become the "policeman" of the family and when was the last time a cop stopped you to tell you how happy he was to see that you were doing the speed limit?
I have said to my (almost) 4 yo DD after she picked up her toys, "Look at my face! See how happy you've made Mommy!" Followed by lots of hugs and kisses. They are amazed when they realize that they have the power to change you from grouchy mommy to elated mommy. They like to see if they can do it again.

*My second son had a bit of a temper and would at times act out destructively. After trying several other things I found that this worked: I told him that he could punch a pillow whenever he got angry and needed to release his frustrations on something. I made it clear that this was the ONLY allowable outlet! I still remember him grabbing that pillow and driving his little fist into several times. It worked for when it was needed but the phase was short-lived (see next point)

*I have been a mom for 15 yrs now and I really agree with those who said these phases come and go. With 4 kids I am just grateful that their phases are not in cinc. Usually I only have one or two "wigging out" at any given time. When my first was born my Mom said to me, "With kids it's important not to get too used to anything bc. it's always changing-- both the good and the bad times don't last." I have found that no truer words were ever spoken. I always laugh (silently) when a firstime parent brags that their baby is sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, like they will never again wake during the night. We all know that changes, sometimes several times up until age 3-4 or later!

* I hope I don't get flamed for this but I have found that my DD is much more, how shall I say, "touchy"/"high maintenance". She seems to feel all the bristles in life and react to them more so than my boys did. Sometimes I feel like I'm a new mom again bc. I have to handle her so much differently than I did the boys. I try to remember how emotional and sensitive we women are and understand that she is only 3 and has not learned how to manage these emotions yet.

Please keep us posted esp. if you found something that really works well. There are a lot of us out here who are dealing with situations similar to yours and we never turn down good advice!

 

[MB MinnieGirl]

What great advise and kind words - thank you all so very much!


Stress...well....oh yea - we got stress! I remember when she was a baby that I was very consious that MY emotions and what I was feeling would impact her. Maddie is very mature for her age in so many ways that I suppose I forget that what I am going through still affects her. I needed that reminder!

Our house is going through a lot of construction right now (aka HUGE NIGHTMARE!)..on top of which, we had quite a bit of damage from hurricane Charley around here last week (thank God - nothing like those in FL ) resulting in a leak that damaged some furniture. So...needless to say - my nerves have been in knots - although I have still tried to stay positive around Maddie, I'm sure she sees and feels it too Of course NONE of this gives her cuase to destroy my house or scream and slam doors (her new favorite thing), but it does make me realize I need to be more consious!

I have done the chart with Maddie before with good results but it doesn't seem to be helping right now, and I too am huge on positive vs negative reinforcement. I should own stock in the Dollar Store for the "little prizes."

I am going to take all of the advise here and put it to good use Just knowing that I am not alone and that others still have hair down the road has made me feel better. I LOVE the idea of telling her 10 things I love about her! I did that tonight at bedtime and she loved it - then she wanted to do it to me We also had a long talk about how to respect people and their things as well.

I am also going to take the suggestion tomorrow and have a special mommy/Maddie night. Not as a reward by any means - but for the two of us to decompress some, talk and just be together without anything else going on for a bit. I think we will go for a walk on the beach after school and get some ice cream while we have a little girl talk

Again - thank you so very much for the suggestions and quick responses - what a bunch of GREAT MOMMIES are on here - thank you so much and I will post again and let you know how things are going.

 

[clh2]

My DD is now 10. When she was 4 - she could be the sweetest, most charming thing on the face of the earth. Other times weren't quite as pleasant. One thing I did to help "diffuse" the anger on the awful days was to read her a fabulous book called "Today I Feel Silly" by Jamie Lee Curtis. This book explores a variety of emotions, the pictures are wonderful! At the end of the book is a "Face wheel" where you can put different emotion's eyes and lips on the girl in the book. You can make the girl have silly eyes with a sad mouth etc. Just by reading the book tended to calm my daughter down enough that things weren't so miserable for her or me.

Kohls dept. stores has that book along with several other Jamie Lee Curtis books for only $5. The other one for 4 yr olds by Curtis is When I Was Little...which are memoirs of a 4-year old. Both are fabulous!

Good luck!

 

[poohandwendy]

Just be firm. Stick to your guns and dont give in.

Best advice...ITA

Also, I agree totally with positive reinforcement and special 'mommy' time, but it should be used strictly for positive actions, not to get her to stop negative behavior while it is occurring. Be very clear that there is no reward (or special attention) for negative behavior. Praise the positive and do not condone the negative...and YES, this too shall pass!

 

[shortbun]

Try asking her what is wrong. Is she mad, sad, scared, worried
about something. Does she feel sick, did she just give up a
comfort item-paci,blanket,thumb? Has her environment changed?
New preschool/day care teacher, new child in day care? Allergies
acting up, hungry due to growth spurt. Loads of things can be
changing her behavior. Often with DS, even as young as 3, I
asked and was given an explanation. When children see that you
care about even the smallest thing that is bugging them or feel
safe to tell you about the trouble they are having-it's good.
Try some talks without bringing up the bahavior. You might find
out what's going on. Good luck, you sound like a parent who is
very in tune with her child!!!

 

[MB MinnieGirl]

Originally posted by clh2
.. to read her a fabulous book called "Today I Feel Silly" by Jamie Lee Curtis. This book explores a variety of emotions, the pictures are wonderful! At the end of the book is a "Face wheel" where you can put different emotion's eyes and lips on the girl in the book. You can make the girl have silly eyes with a sad mouth etc. Just by reading the book tended to calm my daughter down enough that things weren't so miserable for her or me.


Good luck!

Thank you!! We do not have a Kohl's but I am giong to the bookstore TOMORROW to look for this one. Another great tip I had forgotten about. I have found other books in the past that helped her get through issues with bedtime so this is a definate to do! She loves books and they have helped in the past - never even thought of this!

 

[MB MinnieGirl]

Originally posted by shortbun
Good luck, you sound like a parent who is
very in tune with her child!!!

I just had to say thank you....I truly needed that this evening

 

[browneyes]

My ds went through a phase like that about that age. I think his problem was he was torn between wanting to be a big kid and couldn't do things because he was still so little. It was frustrating for him and he didn't know how to channel out that frustration in a positive way. I about went bald then too.

 

[diznygirl]

"I LOVE the idea of telling her 10 things I love about her! I did that tonight at bedtime and she loved it - then she wanted to do it to me We also had a long talk about how to respect people and their things as well."


How neat! So wonderful that your little girl let you how she loves you! Glad you found some good advice here!