Mom of 3 boys need help

[lovingnemo]

I am a single mother of 3 boys , catholic and minority background(mix)

everyday before going to work I take my kids to school , and on my way to school I always tell them stories about years past and my funny ones are the one with a best friend I have (PO ...Gay) I always tell my kids funny stories of myself and my gay friend things we did together --party and travel--(I miss those days!!!) of course I edit the stories to make them suitable to childreN!!! they been hearing me talk and seen my friend , for years , I spoke to them about him being gay, but it was not an issue with me as to me we are all the same in the eyes of God, and to give anyone of any race or sexual preference, respect... treat people the same way you want to be treated...

my older kid started middle school and soon I notice certain comments kids will make about some kids, like...OH he is GAY!! ... at first i dismissed as just kids just teasing each other, but this past week when on our way to school, I started telling them about a story of my friend and I being trapped on an elevator and how funny it was...nothing out of the ordinary just me telling of us being trap, how Danny and I were freaking out....my older boy got very upset and told me he did not want to hear no more stories about ....F---ts,

I was so upset and when he got home when I tried talking to my son, he did not want to hear it, it worries me as I know some of the kids in school tease and bother the other kids just to be mean and maybe my son do not want to be teased and single out, but it is his attitude that bothers me,,, I thought I taught them tolerance and respect and not to cave in to pressure, not to follow trends and be themselves...i failed...again this is a delicate subject and some will get agitated and upset just discussing it, I want my kids to be compassionate and understanding and to have acceptance of all no matter whether they agree or not with other people choices...How do you reinforce that???

My boy BTW just turn 11yrs ( classmates are much older as he skipped a grade)

thanks for any advise

 

[rpmdfw]

Wow. That's a tough one.

First off, do you think your son might be bullied at school? That could be a big factor in why he reacted so negatively.

I'd schedule a meeting with his teacher and raise your concerns. Possibly even with the principle. That is assuming that it's not a parochial school. That could put a whole different spin on things.

 

[NHdisneylover]

First off-kudos to you for wanting to do something about this. Secondly, you have NOT failed. Kids throw us parents for loops all the time. You are not throwing up your hands in defeat, you are working on a plan--that is not failing
These same attitudes have come up in DD12's class at school recently. I am not sure why this age is so interested in the topic at the moment.

If one of my kids had said what your DS did, the first thing I would deal with would be the language itself. Personally I feel the word he seems to have used is much worse than even the standard 4 letter words (which my kids re not allowed to say either). Things like that particular F word and the N word, etc. are the WORST in my view and are simply not tolerated. So, I would start with telling him that no matter what his views on homosexucality are he cannot use that word ever again and tell him what the consequences of that would be (the same as for using other really bad words).

I think after that I would let him know I was surprised by his feelings on this subject and that I really wanted to talk to him further about it. Then I would work on finding some time for just the two of us to talk sometime very soon (maybe lunch out this weekend, etc.). When you talk be calm and try to find out where he is comming from first:
Why does he feel this way about homosexuality (he probably can't really explain it, but see what he says)?
What is he hearing from friends about it? (are they saying it is a biblical sin, gross, etc.?)?
Then calmly tell him why you feel differently and why you hope he will too eventually.
Keep the dialog going over the next weeks, months, years, etc.

I hope that helps. I am lucky that my children have always KNOWN friends of mine who are gay. So, they have real people in their lives (some whom they are very close to) who they know and care about who they couldn't just hate because of some lable. I think that real life experience makes them so much more open and harder for their friends to convince to join the hate train than they would be otherwise.
Best of luck to you

 

[kingLouiethe1]

I think its wonderful that you're concerned about this. Too many parents let these sort of things go.

My parent weren't particularly corporal, but if I said some of the things I hear kids saying around their parents theses days, I would have gotten smacked across the mouth.

Anyway, I wouldn't be too alarmed about it. You are not a failure as a parent! Kids today are starting their independent years earlier and earlier I think, and this might just be one of those things where it wasn't really the content of the conversation, but just general rebelliousness.

I would tell your son very seriously that he is allowed to think anything he wants about gay people, however such language is not acceptable under any circumstances.

and that even though you can't control what he says when he's away from you, if you ever hear him or catch wind of him using that foul word again there will be repercussions (no video games for a week, not tv, something along those lines.)

Good luck! I'm sure if you keep trying to instill those values of love and respect into your children though they may occasionally flounder, they will grow up to be caring and compassionate individuals (once the hormones subside).

 

[f86sabjf]

I'm so happy your stepping up being a parent . My wife is a teacher and you wouldn't believe how many parents only consider there own well being versus having an interest in there childs. He's definitely getting it from his friends who probably got it from there parents . Hate imop is taught not something your born with. Stand firm you can beat this or him

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

You have not failed.

You have many choices, and I know you will consider them all and make the one that is the best for you.

Personally, I would not tolerate that kind of language (or any other epithet regarding any single person or group) to be used in my presence.

I would insist that he read and educate himself on any group that he was using such unpleasant language to describe.

I would discuss the matter with the school, perhaps. Too many mitigating factors may be present for that to be viable.

I would remind him that he most likely would not want to be called >>>> (fill in the blank) and ask him to think of that before he continued in his discrimnatory behaviors.

I would re-educate him on the matters of true Christianity and the very real potential that Christ himself was a gay man.

If he had used a racial epithet, I would do the same. Intolerance is intolerance. It is not to be condoned regardless of the age of the person displaying the intolerance.

Thank you so very much for being concerned enough to discuss this important matter.

 

[C&G'sMama]

First, you are not a failure. You are a parent. And he's a kid. You know your son better than anyone even if he is coming up with stuff that surprises you. As he didn't get that attitude or the language from you, he got it somewhere. I'm with Rob, is he being bullied/teased? Maybe he said something nice about your friend and he got teased for it and he wants to "fit in". The only one who knows is him. Handle it like any other time you know something is bothering your kid and they don't want to share with you. It'll come together eventually.

Good Luck

 

[Tinker*Shell*Bell]

I went through a nearly identical incident with my (then) 12 yo son. Except that instead of flinging that word at me it was to another kid at school. I got called into the office to answer for his bad mouth and I was stunned. That is NOT language he would have heard in my house, ever...but it wasn't until 2 days and a lot of me yelling at him that I found out the truth.
Some boys in his gym class had been calling him that for 2 years straight. Every day. When the gym teacher was confronted he blurted out "oh yeah, that's just that gang of boys in my 3rd block gym class."
That was the end of it for me- I nearly came unhinged. The teacher knew these boys went after the weakling in the group and did nothing about it for 2 years, but the school wanted my son to sit 10 hours of detention for his hateful mouth?!?!?
I let him 2 hours (because some words are never ok) then I made the school change THOSE boys out of the class.
Literally not a problem since that day, he now has friends who are gay and strait and can see that it doesn't matter to anyone with an open mind.

Talk to your son, help him figure out how to tell you where that hate comes from. I know you are stunned right now, but together you will get through it.
PS- Keep talking about your friend. That was what finally got my son to cave. I told him my best friend is gay. 2 wonderful uncles are gay. And I have some amazing co-workers...gay, straight and otherwise.