Mom died 12/6/07

[rlduvall]

My 65 year young mother was diagnosed with lung cancer on 02/24/2006. I had responded to other threads here mentioning it in passing. I then stayed away from this part of the Boards because I couldn't handle anymore sadness. She was only given 8-9 months and lived over 21 months - so Praise be to God. She did wonderful until about 3-4 weeks ago.

I was not prepared for what our family would have to go through near the end; even though I knew for 21 months it was a death sentence (and I grieved every day). The day before Thanksgiving, she began to fail quickly. Her husband brought her to my home for Thanksgiving, but the medications (and probably the cancer, too) affected her greatly and she was like a zombie for the most part. I cried so hard when she left; I knew I did not have much longer.

I had a big Disney trip planned for 12/11 - 12/18 with my bestfriend (had been planning it for 7 months). We had great ADRS; staying at Animal Kingdom Villas; DisUnplugged Podcast meet scheduled for 12/13; an Illuminations Cruise with other dis'ers, Afternoon Tea at the GF, etc. Instead, I had to cancel (which also sorrowed me - how selfish) and for the next two weeks, I took a half day of vacation every day to go and help my Stepfather care for her. I saw things and have memories of my Mother I wish I could burn from my brain. I was there when she took her last breath, Thursday morning at 4:30 a.m. It was a relief for all of us that she would no longer suffer; nor would we. My Stepfather was so loving and took such good care of her at the end; that really helps.

Three days after she died, our State was hit with a horrible ice storm; the likes of which have never been seen. Her funeral was Monday and naturally, the turn out was low - considering the storm - and the majority of our area had no power. To make matters worse, we could not even bury her then because the cemetery looked like a war zone with downed trees (and fallen powerlines on the way). Finally, yesterday morning (Thursday) we were told to meet at the front of the cemetery for her graveside service. We couldn't even go down to the actual burial site and all I could do was watch the hearse drive through the cemetery to her plot after the service.

It's been so hard for me to get closure on her death. She had so many friends and family who loved her and I just don't feel like she got a proper send-off, i.e. many people had to miss her funeral; no processional to the cemetery, no family dinner. Am I being strange???? By sharing this with my fellow dis'ers, I am hoping to bring some closure to the situation.

Well, I've made my long-winded dissertation and I feel a little better. I am now off to watch Samantha Brown's Disney Holiday show. My friend and I rescheduled for the same time next year. The Holidays are so much fun at Disney and it lifts my spirits to plan, plan, plan.

 

[mommasita]

I am so very sorry on your loss.

In reading your post I related SO much to when my MIL had the same cancer. It wreaked havoc on all of us...She was not my mother, but it pained me greatly..

I will say prayers for strength for you and your family..

 

[dixipixi]

I'm so sorry. I will be keeping you in my prayers. We had a funeral Tuesday (our oldest son). Our weather has been kind of "nasty" for a week or so, but the sun came out Tuesday and when we came home and watched the news for the first time in several days, we saw the stories about the ice storm and I was thinking about how people would deal with a burial in such weather.

Yes, it's a morbid thought, but considering my state of mind, maybe not so much.

We also had a trip planned to Disney (in January) and we just cancelled today. It's just too soon for us. But we are doing the same thing as you and planning a trip next December. We've never been at Christmas and it gives us something to look forward to.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I know what you mean about "closure". Having such a nice funeral service really helped us get through things. I cannot imagine what you have been through. I'm praying that you find the peace and closure that you are seeking.

 

[Seahunt]

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom.

When I lost my mom I remember thinking that I didn't know if I could stand never being able to ever talk to her or see her again - and 10 years later, it still hurts. Moms are so special in our lives....

My BIL also died from lung cancer a year ago, after being diagnosed a year prior to that - he was looking at buying a boat one week and the next he was gone, so I wonder if lung cancer typically progresses fast toward the end?

If you still feel you need closure maybe you could consider planning a small memorial type service at another time (like the 6 month anniversary of her loss?) and tell everyone that since the weather made it impossible at the time you would like to have something later - even if just booking a small time at a church for quiet reflection of your mom's life where people could visit and share memories and prayers with you.

Don't beat yourself up about hating to miss your Disney trip. I don't think it's selfish to want to have something to look forward to that makes you feel just so alive and happy, and like you said, keeps your mind busy.

I only wish the best to you in getting through this hard chapter of life and loss.

 

[pppiglet]

My mom passed on 12/12/07. She was an alcoholic. Really bad the last two months. She went to the hospital on Friday and sent home Saturday with hospice to die at home. I visited, but she was basically gone. I had to work still, but went at night. I was not there when she took her last breath, and I'm glad because like you said, there's things you have burned in your brain you wish weren't there. I guess she was making some loud strange noises that day and I wouldn't want that to be my last remembrance of her. Thank God it's over and she's not in pain and misery anymore. Because of the holidays, we are just having a memorial after the first of the year.

 

[mommasita]

My mom passed on 12/12/07. She was an alcoholic. Really bad the last two months. She went to the hospital on Friday and sent home Saturday with hospice to die at home. I visited, but she was basically gone. I had to work still, but went at night. I was not there when she took her last breath, and I'm glad because like you said, there's things you have burned in your brain you wish weren't there. I guess she was making some loud strange noises that day and I wouldn't want that to be my last remembrance of her. Thank God it's over and she's not in pain and misery anymore. Because of the holidays, we are just having a memorial after the first of the year.

I am sorry on your loss.

 

[kamgen]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. My dad died on Nov 1, 2006 at the age of 55, he had liver cancer. I too was there when he took his last breath. I was holding his hand at his bedside. The holidays are so difficult. I feel for you, especially being so close to Christmas. I know it doesn't help, but take comfort that the suffering is over. It still hurts every day and I think of him every day. Just know that you are not alone. Here's a hug for you
May your family find joy this holiday season.

 

[WDWFreak200]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm sorry to both of you who lost your mothers recently. I like the idea of a memorial service.

 

[JudyS]

My condolescences to you, Rlduvall, Dixipixi, and Pppiglet, on your recent losses.

Rlduvall, I agree with Seahunt that a memorial at a later time would be a good idea. You could have one soon, if you wanted, and explain that it is because the storm kept people away from the funeral. Or, if you would rather wait, Easter might be a good time (assuming your mother was a member of the Christian faith.) Or, you could choose your mother's birthday or another day that was special to her.

 

[JandJ]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mom at 65 years young (in 2005) to lung disease. It was horrible. She was my best friend and I miss her every day. I didn't get to grieve my mom properly for a long time. She passed 4 months before my wedding and 2 weeks before I moved to a new city and started a new job. I was so busy with everything else I never took the time to really grieve the loss. I would say I was fine, I cried at the wake, but it did not really "hit" me for many months. I would find myself dialing her number like I always did and then remembering before I hit the "send" button. I finally went to counseling at Hospice and that really helped. DH would say I didn't really find closure for the first 6 months after mom passed. It took a long time and I still miss her terribly but now I remember the happy times much more than the sad ones.
God bless.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs to everyone who has posted on this thread...

Most especially I am so sorry to hear of your Mom's passing riduvall.... You know when I was reading it I was thinking......I do not want to walk down this path with my husband...and yet I am a realist and know I will be facing and seeing things that will be burned into my memories forever.. Right now I take it one day at a time.. and I do hope that you can get through what you have been through one day at a time.....maybe get some grief counseling. I do know how bad it was in Oklahoma and it would have been so nice to feel she had a better turnout... whatever..

Maybe at a later date, you might want to do a memorial service for her and invite all her friends for a luncheon or something.. in the spring.. and plant a tree in her honor...

Big hugs!!!!!

 

[rlduvall]

Thanks so much for all the kind words. I knew my dis'ers would help me out. I keep re-reading my original post and while it is awfully morbid and detailed, it was very therapautic for me to write it out. MackeyMouse - keep your faith for your DH - I know how you feel (I almost didn't post because of how people going through it now might lose hope - and we cannot function without hope.) I had such high anxiety ever since the original prognosis and I have actually been able to relax now more, strangely enough.

As to all the others who have also lost loved ones, stay strong and I will pray for all of us to have strength.

My DH already mentioned planting a tree in her honor this Spring. I loved the idea - and Mom would have loved it, too. Now my DH will have to mow around her and weed-eat her specially - lol.

Thanks again. And Oklahoma again has sunshine.

 

[nana2tots]

So sorry for your loss, as you can see, i am going through a horrible time also, Hopefuuly you and i will get through this somehow. My Prayers are w/ you.

 

[nana2tots]

I am so sorry for you, How are you coping w/ this? I, as you can see just lost my DD, our only child, and it is just killing me, I just can't bear to hardly go each day, i can't sleep at nite, all i can see when i lay in bed is her taking her last breathe, it is so hard. Prayers and Thoughts are with you guys and everyone else whom has lost a loved one, especially this year close to Christmas!

 

[TB'sWidow]

My condolences to everyone as well as thoughts and prayers
I lost my DH to lung cancer in 02 he was only 44 and it took him home to the lord in just 8months my mind is always going back to those last months. We were all with him when he died and as difficult as it isI would not trade being there for the world.

 

[Kaler131]

I'm also sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my grandma to lung cancer on New Year's Day 2000 so I understand how horrible lung cancer is! My thoughts are with you.

 

[kimis]

You are in my prayers because I truelly know what you are going through. My mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and given six months. She died Friday the thirteenth of October, 2006--only three and a half months after the diagnoses. I miss her so much and it has been 14 months. People say it gets easier but not for a while. You will forget some of the memories you mentioned. You will remember the good times but there will always be a hole in your heart. Stay strong--your mom would want that.
Plan another trip to Disney and have a good time making new memories. We also (dh and myself) had already planned and paid for a trip to WDW just 2 months after mom passed. I didn't want to go but people convinced me to and I am glad I did. Remember you have lots of people praying for you.

 

[safetymom]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It is so hard watching a loved one struggle with health issues. Please take comfort in your good memories of your mother.

 

[rlduvall]

Thank you so much to everyone for continuing to respond. I keep re-reading my initial post and it is so full of angst and sadness, but it was what I was feeling. I am doing much better and I do realize that in time things will become more "normal." I loved my Mother dearly, but I can honestly say I was there for her when she needed me most (and Mom and I both knew that nurturing was not one of my specialties ); it helps to not have guilt. Also, I have a supportive husband and an adorable 8 year old son which really helps. I have had a few nightmares since where Mom intentionally tries to haunt me (isn't that funny), but I have been told that is pretty normal, too . . . at least I hope so.

This last Monday, my Stepfather, my brother and I all met at the cemetery to design her tombstone. We laughed about her quirks, her likes/dislikes and what she would really have wanted said on it . . . I wouldn't go so far as to say it was fun, but it wasn't nearly as sad as I expected it to be.

Again, thanks for all the great responses and my prayers go out to all who are experiencing or have experienced the same thing.