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[cabanafrau]

If I am textbook something it makes me feel better that I am not alone I guess. I know I should have followed up with the therapy back a few months ago. I just got the thing that "you are clearly depressed". I guess I was kind of arrogant because I told the therapist I need a good lawyer more than a good therapist. I have been so obsessed with this whole thing for so long I guess that I forget that I come off as a ranting, raving lunatic.

Somehow the first line of this reply encapsulates the whole shootin' match for me.

OP, if you are on the level with this whole situation and sincerely mean what you typed right here, get the to counseling immediately, do not collect $200 for passing go, get the to the counselor now.

 

[cabanafrau]

I saw a couple lawyers about getting a divorce under our current situation a year ago.... circumstances changed. I spent lover $1000 on all that and nothing became of it.

I have seen and elder lawyer.

I have seen 3 lawyers in another state about divorce and talked to at least 2 more on the phone about my options in this other state... all told me the same thing. One said I do NOT do free consultations, I was like that's cool I will pay. After talking to him, he was like... yea just go home, no charge.

I have paid lawyers here and did a couple free consultations that have said they can do this "piece of cake" if it is uncontested.

You spent $1,000 and the lawyer refused to do anymore? Why did it go no further? What did YOU do to continue the process?

 

[gwynne]

Somehow the first line of this reply encapsulates the whole shootin' match for me.

OP, if you are on the level with this whole situation and sincerely mean what you typed right here, get the to counseling immediately, do not collect $200 for passing go, get the to the counselor now.

I agree. She sounds miserable. She starts with an attorney, but never finishes. She needs to get someone to help her on the road to choosing some options and making some decisions. If she's done with care giving, then she needs to have some sort of hand off plan. It doesn't have to be lengthy or complicated.
This is very doable. But wallowing in this situation isn't safe or good for either of them.

 

[Hrhpd]

You spent $1,000 and the lawyer refused to do anymore? Why did it go no further? What did YOU do to continue the process?

Her statement is a bit disingenuous. In her previous thread, the $1,000 included fully drawn up divorce papers which she hid in her car because she felt the husband was becoming "nicer."

This is why some are not believing she is as much a victim as she purports to be. She posts in a way to make her look more a victim.

Besides, last night when she was supposed to be gathering the strength to leave, she was happily posting under her real screen name on numerous threads. An avoidance tactic that screams "I need help" more than her postings here.

 

[Hrhpd]

There was another one that was about a year ago as things got worse. I looked for them but I can't find them. Yes, things have progressed to where they are now.

As you know, you have posted under another alias and your own actual screen name.
Just google the stuff you have written here, the threads come up.

 

[Hrhpd]

Sorry, OP, you lost my sympathy when you took your husband to the doctor soiled. You have stated for 16 pages that you want to talk to the doctors to help you arrange more care for him, yet you walked away, lying to the doctor and receptionist about what happened. But you are determined to talk to the doctor today? If you couldn't tell the receptionist what really happened yesterday, I have no faith that you can muster up the strength to tell the doctor today.

You need to make your own appointment today. You need to go see a psychiatrist again. But this time you need to check the arrogance (your own words) at the door and follow through with the care plan.

I also do not believe that your husband is on 3 strong anti-psychotic meds and has no contact with a mental health doctor who is following him on these med. IF it is true, you need to make him an appointment with another doctor. Maybe you can make two appointments at the same time.

 

[cabanafrau]

Her statement is a bit disingenuous. In her previous thread, the $1,000 included fully drawn up divorce papers which she hid in her car because she felt the husband was becoming "nicer."

So she made a decision that divorce wasn't the right choice. It seems her DH has had some help wiping out their finances.

 

[Frozen72]

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[RitaE]

I'm going to say one of those things that the OP is not going to appreciate seeing me type out, but this is it and then I'm also likely done

What is the extent of this alcohol abuse which you describe as "self-medicating?" You "fell off the wagon" last night. How many nights of the week have you been consuming alcohol and are you often drinking yourself to the point where you become incoherent and was alcohol in any way involved in that stint the other day where you cleaned up lunch and then "fell asleep?"

Is your husband also drinking alcohol and how much? In all the therapy that you claim he has participated in and perhaps yourself, has the possibility of alcohol or other addictions for both of you been addressed? Obviously not something that is ever going to be solved by an internet discussion board but I'll say it seems to me that escalating health problems, dysfunctional relationships, financial difficulties and friends and family that continue to distance themselves are all indicators of substance abuse problems.

In addition, if your husband has been consuming alcohol this week, you do need to let the Doctor know. It is not only something that could be aggravating his gastro difficulties, it is obviously a safety concern, really for both of you. And when it gets to the point where it sure does seem like people's safety might be in jeopardy, it's just kind of negligent to remain quiet without any warning at all that the consequences of what seems to be happening are just going to continue to get worse.

 

[Frozen72]

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[cabanafrau]

It's not about anybody but you. Your life will never improve until you put the work into improving yourself. It's not about anybody but you.
A divorce won't fix you.

Wherever you go, there you are. Until you understand the meaning of that it's never going to get any better. Only you can fix that.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes I took him there soiled... I left because he told me to. No, it did not cross my mind to "use this as evidence" it just did not. Hindsight is 20/20. We are seeing a doctor today, and yes I am going to be right there to tell the doctor everything.

I only learned of the anti-psychotic drugs the day he was released from rehab when they were reading off his medications and explaining what each one was. I knew about the anti-anxiety and antidepressants because they kept giving him that in the skilled nursing. They said when he didn't take those, he was a bit "difficult".

What if he soils himself today, or just simply tells you to leave? Today is different?

Own YOUR choices and YOUR actions.

 

[Hrhpd]

So she made a decision that divorce wasn't the right choice. It seems her DH has had some help wiping out their finances.

According to her, their finances are completely separate. So, he can wipe out his own finances, but she still has enough of a nest egg right now to live on her own without a job.

But why lie about the extent of the lawyer's involvement? The lawyer didn't just take her money and send her home. They did do something, draw up divorce papers for her. If she didn't feel divorce was right at that time, nobody here knows the circumstances, so we all have to trust her on that one. But what she says here about the lawyers is completely different than what she posted about the lawyers on her last thread.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Yes I took him there soiled... I left because he told me to. No, it did not cross my mind to "use this as evidence" it just did not. Hindsight is 20/20. We are seeing a doctor today, and yes I am going to be right there to tell the doctor everything.

I only learned of the anti-psychotic drugs the day he was released from rehab when they were reading off his medications and explaining what each one was. I knew about the anti-anxiety and antidepressants because they kept giving him that in the skilled nursing. They said when he didn't take those, he was a bit "difficult".

Are you? And when he "instructs you to leave" again today?

He may throw fits and he may be abusive but you don't have to leave because he tells you to. Let him throw a fit in the hospital, let the nurses or Doctors tell you that you have to leave and then tell them that you are relinquishing care. That you cannot be a caregiver if neither you nor the doctor's know the reality/extent of the situation as you are not allowed to be an active participant at these appointments.

At some point you're going to have to take some responsibility for yourself. You're not a child and you have a modicum of free will.

 

[gwynne]

Updating to clarify a couple things... yes I had the papers and all drawn up about a year ago. My father went into some religious rant about he doesn't believe in divorce (anymore) and maybe a person should not just be "thrown away". After he has seen how things have progressed, he has changed his mind and said "get out". The old papers are completely not applicable anymore, they are useless because circumstances have changed.

Take all this and not run away? Well I kinda did, but I came back when I saw it wasn't going to work. Things were going OK while he was in the skilled nursing. I really thought I could handle it. If I could live my life, and go visit him every day for a little while... this was totally do-able. I was trying my best to be as happy as I could be and to have a good time and enjoy life as much as I could. I guess I knew that he was going to get out someday, but I was in denial or something. I was in denial up until the day he got out, I thought all of us protesting his release, they would keep him longer. I knew things would not be good when he returned, I just didn't understand how bad they would be and how I would have a complete meltdown upon his return home. I came unglued.

I know my judgment is clouded and I am do not think straight. However, I can see that things are not working as is, and they never will (no matter what my sister in-law tells me). I have realized (or just have formed the opinion) that she wants us to stay married so I will be the one taking care of him instead of her. I suspect without me in the picture she would just stick him in a home and call it a day. He knows I will give in every time. He thinks (or knows) I am too weak and he will always get his way with me. He does not need me. I guess I am doing more harm than good because the things he wants are killing him. Without me, can he get the contraband? Absolutely! However, I should not be a participant.

I had a small taste of freedom and I liked it. I know life can be good. I am not a martyr, and I am not even trying to be heroic. Maybe in the beginning I was on some kind of mission to save him. I firmly believe that. I also believe at this point it doesn't even matter who is right and who is wrong. If he is the bad one, I need away from him so I can live. If I am the bad one, he needs me removed from his life so I can do no further harm. I guess the bottom line is, we are bad for each other.

I get it, if I allow him to drag me into that "bad place" with him, I only have myself to blame.

A few musings:

What your dad thinks about your marriage is irrelevant.
What your sister-in-law thinks about your marriage is irrelevant.
When you are ready to see an attorney, you will. They will draw up new papers. You have to follow through on the life decisions, though. They won't do that for you.
It sounds like you are supplying him "contraband?" What about that works for you?
Yes, it sounds like you both aren't finding this relationship satisfying. What, specifically, keeps you in it? Why are you reluctant to go to therapy? Read your post above a few times. Do you see why you need professional help, today?

 

[Frozen72]

I fell asleep Sunday afternoon because I was just exhausted, there was no alcohol involved in that. I spent a week completely clean, I can go without. I chose last night to binge just because I guess. I had some wine and dark chocolate and was like how nice it would be. Yes, I need to just quit the wine. I rarely get rip-roaring drunk, a glass or two on most nights. Yes, we are talking 7 days a week usually.

My husband does not drink anymore. He smoked "something he shouldn't" for a long, long time. He tried to keep it hidden from me, but I knew it. I chose to ignore it. It kind of came to light when he had emergency surgery back a year and a half ago and he had some really bad reaction to the anesthetic. He was in the ICU babbling incoherently for a few days. The doctor said "I don't know what's going on, the only time I have seen this happen is when a patient was on drugs". Bingo!

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

You don't need a lawyer, you need a double intervention.

 

[cabanafrau]

I fell asleep Sunday afternoon because I was just exhausted, there was no alcohol involved in that. I spent a week completely clean, I can go without. I chose last night to binge just because I guess. I had some wine and dark chocolate and was like how nice it would be. Yes, I need to just quit the wine. I rarely get rip-roaring drunk, a glass or two on most nights. Yes, we are talking 7 days a week usually.

My husband does not drink anymore. He smoked "something he shouldn't" for a long, long time. He tried to keep it hidden from me, but I knew it. I chose to ignore it. It kind of came to light when he had emergency surgery back a year and a half ago and he had some really bad reaction to the anesthetic. He was in the ICU babbling incoherently for a few days. The doctor said "I don't know what's going on, the only time I have seen this happen is when a patient was on drugs". Bingo!

Wine and dark chocolate? You'll have to peddle that to someone who isn't paid to evaluate what people claim is their truth.

Wherever you go, there you are.

 

[Frozen72]

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[Hrhpd]

Yes I took him there soiled... I left because he told me to. No, it did not cross my mind to "use this as evidence" it just did not. Hindsight is 20/20. We are seeing a doctor today, and yes I am going to be right there to tell the doctor everything.

I only learned of the anti-psychotic drugs the day he was released from rehab when they were reading off his medications and explaining what each one was. I knew about the anti-anxiety and antidepressants because they kept giving him that in the skilled nursing. They said when he didn't take those, he was a bit "difficult".

For somebody who is such an involved caregiver, you sure don't know much about your charge.
You didn't know what meds he is on until the facility released him.
You don't know what he smokes or takes illicitly.
You don't know what any of his medical issues are at least don't know much about them and you don't know if he sees different doctors
You don't know any of the case managers
and the list goes on and on. You cannot be a capable caregiver if you are kept in the dark.

Sorry, you were in a public place, a doctor's office at that, with a soiled husband. He cannot tell you to leave. I understand that this is part of your illness that you believe he is your boss and you have no control. That is why you need to fix yourself now before you can fix anything else.