MIL Vent

[becka]

DH called his parents last night to see what weekend was available for us to go and visit them or if they preferred to come up here sometime before Christmas. My MIL asked DH last night if he and DS could come up to their house for Christmas Eve. She knows that I have to work a partial day (until 2) on Christmas Eve and that DH had planned to be off and stay home that day with DS and gear up for our little family Christmas. Well going to visit them would not be such a big deal if they lived right here in town with us but they live a little over 2 hours away. If they went up to my in-laws that day then they would not get back until very late and DS would be already asleep. I got a little upset that she wants to have them up there for Christmas Eve without me. I realize I have to work but I guess she doesn't think it is a big deal for me to miss out on my son's 1st Christmas Eve.

Then when DH told her that was not going to be possible she said that they would just come up here the weekend before Christmas and they would stay in a hotel. I had planned on making a big Christmas dinner thing while they were here (my first ever attempt) and when DH mentioned it MIL said they would rather have something like burritos.

I just never know how to deal with her.


*** I almost forgot to add this about her phone call. She wanted to know some ideas for DS for Christmas. One of the items I mentioned was sleepers since he is getting too big for the ones he currently has and I really don't have very many of the next two sizes. She then started quizzing DH about the two sleepers she bought DS a few months ago. They are the next size up and they will fit him well but he still needs a few more than 2 sleepers! I don't do laundry everyday and sometimes you need to wear more than one a night. She just kept going on and on about them. If she didn't like the suggestions then she doesn't have to use them but why does she have to question us about it?

 

[olena]

Lots of patience....*HUG*

 

[Krisu]

Personally I think it's lot to ask your DH and DS to drive there on Christmas Eve without you. If I were in your shoes I would want them home. Time to start your own Christmas traditions.

 

[Tiggerkeeper]

I'm with Krisu, it is time to start your own traditions. Have patience one of the hardest things for a parent to realize (esp. MIL) that they are no longer in control!

{{{Hugs}}} for you from one who has been there and done that and now has to let go herself!!

 

[Tuffcookie]

Becka, Actually, the idea of them coming up and staying at a hotel isn't a bad idea!

TC

 

[holycow]

Go ahead and vent away...and actually think of it as being lucky that they want to stay in a hotel!.....

Holycow

 

[Wishing on a star]

Becka,

Sounds JUST like MY MIL, EXACTLY, down to every last word you posted! I could go on forever about all of the 'issues' involved here. I am 40 now, and I have now come to terms with and learned to deal with ALL of the exact same things you are mentioning!

Sometimes MIL's just give daughter-in-laws no consideration. You are expected to do EVERYTHING exactly as they expect. (the sleepers, the Christmas meal, etc... etc...) No way could YOU do an acceptable Christmas meal that could hold a candle to hers! My MIL did not even ask that I contribute anything to Thanksgiving, told us "No Thank-you" That she had everything covered... We have to show up 'when' she wants, eat what 'she' prepares, etc... etc... Uggghhh!!! complete CONTROL freaks, both MIL and FIL!!!

I have just informed DH that THIS Christmas we will NOT get up, race through our Christmas morning with our son, pack up everything and drive an hour to their house, getting there ASAP at MIL's request, Then sitting there on our Christmas Day listening to the latest wars on CNN and arguing litigants on Judge Joe Brown, or old Shoot-em-up Westerns, blaring full blast on their TV all afternoon.... Then, right back to packing up and back on the road again for the drive home.... I told DH that this is NOT the Christmas memories that I want for our son.... If my MIL and FIL want to see their Son and their Granson, then they will have to stop by and visit us!!

PS: If you have a job, and a new baby, then I would suggest that you NOT exhaust yourself tying to prepare your first full traditional Christmas meal for your Inlaws... Hey, I know that you are excited by the thoughts of this! But the work and the stress!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hey becka, I think you just had a gold mine drop into your lap!!! You mean they will be up before Christmas so you can enjoy yours? Sounds like a good plan to me. In fact that could be the start of a tradition.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd have to go with the crowd on this one. If they want to come up the weekend before Christmas and stay in a hotel and have burritos for dinner, it sounds like your life just got made a lot easier!!!!!!!!!!!! That in itself could become a holiday tradition!!!! Don't stress yourself out trying to have a "Hallmark" (you know, like the card store) holiday.

I've been married for 11 years, we lost both my in-laws last year. They were both great people, but my FIL and I had a very special relationship. My MIL was a little stronger willed, with a very set way of doing things that she didn't change easily, although in time, she did change. You're still fairly newly married, as I recall, so you and your MIL may still be doing "the dance"...you know, where you both kind of warily circle each other trying to get into your new proper places in DH's life. She's got to give up some control of her son to...gasp!...another woman, and you have to share your DH with his mother.

Remember, if your relationship is adversarial, in the end, the one you will hurt will be your DH, as his wife and mother are both very important women in his life.

Develop a thick skin, let stuff roll of your back, choose your battles wisely,and thank God for your DH, who did put his foot down with his mom about Christmas eve.I hope he continues to do so, because that lets his mother know subtly that while he still loves her, that you and the baby are his priority now.

As far as the sleeper thing goes,if she stops for a minute and thinks about how messy babies get in the course of the day with spitting up etc, then 2 just isn't enough, and you love the two she already bought because they are so cute, nice material etc that she's the ONLY one you trust to buy sleepers!

 

[becka]

I try not to let her bother me but she makes it so difficult at times. I try to be nice but she always seems to rebuff any attempts I make towards her. We have been going through this for over 5 years now and it has only gotten worse since DS was born since he is her only grandchild.

I don't want her to miss out on time with DS but I really feel like I have the final say in what I feel is best for him. Driving up there every weekend is not what is best for him or me. DH and I both work so evenings/weekends are my time with DS. I don't mind sharing him some with her but I think I should get to determine the schedule.

We asked them if they wanted to join us for Chistmas Eve and/or Christmas and they decided not to but I am sure I will not hear the end of how I denied her her grandson on his 1st Christmas.

I really do want to start some new Christmas traditions in our home. This is our 1st Christmas in our own home as well as our 1st with DS and I want it to be special. I do NOT want to spend Christmas Eve sitting at home by myself waiting for them to get back.

 

[becka]

I try not to let her bother me but she makes it so difficult at times. I try to be nice but she always seems to rebuff any attempts I make towards her. We have been going through this for over 5 years now and it has only gotten worse since DS was born since he is her only grandchild.

I don't want her to miss out on time with DS but I really feel like I have the final say in what I feel is best for him. Driving up there every weekend is not what is best for him or me. DH and I both work so evenings/weekends are my time with DS. I don't mind sharing him some with her but I think I should get to determine the schedule.

We asked them if they wanted to join us for Chistmas Eve and/or Christmas and they decided not to but I am sure I will not hear the end of how I denied her her grandson on his 1st Christmas.

I really do want to start some new Christmas traditions in our home. This is our 1st Christmas in our own home as well as our 1st with DS and I want it to be special. I do NOT want to spend Christmas Eve sitting at home by myself waiting for them to get back.

 

[binny]

(((hugs)))) are our MIL's related?

They could be sisters!


I know the thought of giving in to even ONE of her demands go against your grain ( at least it would mine)
truly the weekend before Christmas would make your life so much easier!
With the new baby and your job, you really dont neeed the extra stress! Stay home, make new traditions with your dh and your ds, and ENJOY your sons first holidays!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Becka,

An earlier poster hit on a VERY important point here.... Thank GOD for your Husband for standing for what was right for you and your son! Without your Husband being a real MAN, and taking the responsibility for the situation and protecting the interest of his son and his wife. Make sure your husband truly understands that HE needs to be there to take the heat when it comes to protecting the interest of his son and his wife. When he does - Thank him properly!!! wink - wink !!!

I simply absorbed or deflected all MIL and FIL problems for many years, as my husband refused to even see that there was any problems, and that he needed to step forward in my interests. MAJOR nightmare.

And, as you say, in our case, the proverbial s*** hit the fan (sorry but this phrase just fits perfectly...) when our dear son (only Grandson) came along. In our case, on top of MIL thinking psychologically that our son = HER son.... And that she had all the say-so. Our son had some special considerations that she simply refused to even acknowledge or to give any consideration. She wanted to do things that were clearlly NOT in our sons physical best interest! The situation is somewhat better now... But, boy did I (and DH) have to take a stand.

Feel free to PM me, sounds like the situation has a lot in common!!!

And, have a wonderful Christmas!!

 

[RNMOM]

May I offer some thoughts here?

I too had a difficult MIL who has passed away in 2000. She once told me it was a good thing the boys' grandfather had passed away because he would not have been able to stand them! They were toddlers at the time.

I have had my share of hissy fits and such and my DH is very mild mannered. He has always respected his mother first. Since I have gotten older, I realize this has lead to his respecting me very highly also.

I have found the best way to deal with MIL was:

Give DH options to offer to her. When they come from him, they are fine but from me, no.

Discuss ahead of time any and all issues before discussing plans with MIL. This way he would know what would be totally unacceptable to me and get me MAD.

Let my kids decide when and if they were around MIL, within reason. She was never a giving grandparent. She was not a cuddler and did not have them overnight or on special outings. Just not her style.

Make a list of gifts to choose from. I usually would give suggestions of clothing, several choices, and sizes, suggest books, puzzles, games, etc. Even some candies and such they like. She would usually get them a conservative clothing item, a book and maybe a video tape to share. They were all happy then. When they got older I began suggesting gift certificates for the toy store, book store or Best Buy. She at first was reluctant but when she saw how delighted they were and how they talked about getting to go shop for themselves, she came around. She would usually include some candy or a book also or maybe a small toy.

When she was ill on her last night I made the boys go to see her. They were afraid, I think more than not wanting to go. I wanted them to see that dying is not always like on TV and is not always so unpleasant. She spent time with them as weak as she was and they saw how much DH was upset to lose his mother. She was very close to him. They both ended up spending a good amount of time in her room with her. Just holding her hand.

As my boys grew older, they did not like going to visit as she lived in a condo and they had to be quiet. Not much for 6-8-10-12 and on year old boys to do. They were always willing to go with their father to do the maintenance that needed to be done for her. I wish she could have been able to get to know them as I do but she couldn't get past her feelings toward me, I think. I know she wasn't fond of me...always felt it but her best friend made the comment after the funeral and we had spent time together that I was much nicer than she had been lead to believe.