MIL/SIL planning her own baby shower - is this proper?

[celestialred]

But she's not doing it alone - she is begging her mother to do it, so her MIL/SIL doesn't do it (she doesnt' get along with her in-laws). And now her mother, my MIL, is asking me to help.

So in my eyes, she is asking us to pay for/plan a big party that she wants, dictated by her...that is what I am having a problem with.

PS - I know her husband, he would rather be anyplace else than a baby shower, trust me

I can understand where you are coming from when you state it out like this; it's pretty off-putting. Everyone has different ideas and different notions about what a baby shower "should" be. That being said, if you are asked to contribute/help out, you need to explain to them what you would be willing to do and the "why" behind it. But, it's the mother-to-be's day after all, and if you do decide to do this, her input will be needed.

My personal track record with baby showers is not the greatest. My mom had fully planned my family-only shower (ladies only for this one) and three days before it, cancelled it on me because she was sick. NO ONE ELSE FROM MY FAMILY stepped up to host it so my DH called everyone and said "either get over here and celebrate d@mm!t or you're never going to see this kid!" So, given that little fiasco, I can also empathize with the mama-2-b in your case wanting a say-so in how things are going. (Yeah I'm still a little bitter about it... )

 

[kathie859]

Why can't moms drink? Most people have a cocktail or two (at least that I know). We always have alcohol at showers - it is the only way to tolerate them!

You ARE kidding right? I am assuming you mean that it's ok for the guests to drink alcohol---NOT the mother-to-be If not, please google fetal alcohol syndrome...

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

You ARE kidding right? I am assuming you mean that it's ok for the guests to drink alcohol---NOT the mother-to-be If not, please google fetal alcohol syndrome...

Not kidding! Doctors generally allow alcohol to pregnant moms - in moderation of course.

I see nothing wrong with the mom to be having a glass of champagne at her shower?

 

[NMAmy]

You ARE kidding right? I am assuming you mean that it's ok for the guests to drink alcohol---NOT the mother-to-be If not, please google fetal alcohol syndrome...

A lot of people have baby showers after the baby is born.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Not kidding! Doctors generally allow alcohol to pregnant moms - in moderation of course.

I see nothing wrong with the mom to be having a glass of champagne at her shower?

DW's doctor gave her the go ahead for having a glass of wine every once in awhile.

Unfortunately our niece is a product of fetal alcohol syndrome, so we've seen firsthand what it can do to a child. Because of that, DW's choice was to avoid alcohol altogether. But, yes, Doctors do seem to feel moderate amounts are okay.

 

[castleview]

I think it's normal for the expectant mom to plan. I think it has to do with control - not that she's a control freak, just so she can have a say. I know my mother is a "you're supposed to..." person and I'd end up with long lost relatives in place of friends.

 

[disneychrista]

As a hostess I try to provide for all my guests, not just myself, or the guest of honor. Many people consume alcohol at functions, it doesn't mean its going to be like a keggar in the woods.

Like I said, maybe it is because I don't drink...I would not even THINK to have alcohol at a baby shower!

Why can't moms drink? Most people have a cocktail or two (at least that I know). We always have alcohol at showers - it is the only way to tolerate them!

Ever heard of fetal alcohol syndrome??

I feel sorry for anyone who NEEDS alcohol to get through something.

You ARE kidding right? I am assuming you mean that it's ok for the guests to drink alcohol---NOT the mother-to-be If not, please google fetal alcohol syndrome...

Exactly!

 

[DebD4T]

I don't mean to hijack this thread but I'm just wondering if you could explain this to me. Honestly... I am not being sarcastic. It is something that has bothered me for some time now and I'm wondering...Why is a miscarriage/loss of child worse than enduring months/years of negative pregnancy tests, months/years of fertility tests, then drugs, then invasive procedures. I know personally, every failed pregnancy test & failed procedure was an indescrible loss. The only way I could find to describe it was like the death of a famly member over and over again, month after month.

I'm not talking about multiple miscarriages...to me, not being able to carry a child to term multiple times lends to fertility problems. Essentially, I see them as one and the same.

I really do want to know, as I had a friend who felt the same way. Why use the term "aside"... meaning that a miscarriage is worse than infertility.

I am not the person who posted this but I did not take it to mean that a miscarriage or loss of child is worse than fertility problems... just that they are devastating also. Maybe a better way to say it would have been:

Honestly, I'm going to say "Who cares who is planning it?" because fertility problems are probably one of the worst things a woman would have to deal with along with a miscarraige or losing a child.

 

[DebD4T]

Oh, for the record, we do not have alcohol at baby showers.

 

[heatherwillmom]

Some people really don't know how to plan a baby shower & may need help. I think the mom-to-be doesn't always know what's proper, but it depends a lot on the area. A problem that I have had with shower invitations in the past were requests for very expensive gifts or money. I got an invitation to a shower before that included the mom's request that included cribs, cradles, & stroller ( not the cheap kinds either.)

 

[Gigi22]

Not very keen on any type of shower here. (I was a bride who specified "no showers please" to my Mom). But, the advantage of having a co-ed shower is that no one is going to have to stay at the shower longer than they want! I know my DH would spend most of his 'shower time' thinking "How can I leave?" So, in many ways, a lot less stressful to we shower-adverse ladies! The men will have to come up with the polite excuses!

 

[locolala]

My mom has done the bulk of the planning for my baby shower, which is next weekend. I had some say in it, giving her email addresses for people who I wanted invited, and I had to take care of reserving the room that we're having it at. We're having the shower on base at a community center, and a military member or dependant had to be the one to reserve it. I'm also coordinating the "shuttle" to get everyone on base since you have to have base stickers to drive your car onto the base. Mom also asked me what kinds of food I wanted to have, and an idea on colors for the shower. This makes things easier on her, and gives me somethine to focus on other than how horribly uncomfortable I am right now, lol.

Now, originally we were going to have the shower at my mom's apartment in DC. I decided I didn't want to have it there because I would have to ride the metro down and then walk 3 blocks in the DC summer heat.. no thank you! I told her I wanted to have it up here, and that if we couldn't have it up here then we'd wait till after my daughter is born.

 

[heatherwillmom]

I actually think it is nice to include the mom-to-be. I had 2 baby showers with my first child. One I was asked what I wanted. The other was a surprise shower at work

 

[luvmy3]

[

Like I said, maybe it is because I don't drink...I would not even THINK to have alcohol at a baby shower!

Its definitely not needed, but if I was hosting a brunch shower I would probably have mimnosas on hand. If it were a later function I would probably have wine and beer, maybe if its in the summer a tropical concoction. Its just a drink option like soda or coffee, and I would offer it so those who wanted it could have it.

Ever heard of fetal alcohol syndrome??

I feel sorry for anyone who NEEDS alcohol to get through something.

I think they were being sarcastic when they said its the only way to tolerate a shower


Exactly!

There are health benefits to wine and I have heard of doctors telling expectant mothers that it was okay to consume a glass every now and then.

 

[mjkacmom]

My mom threw my baby shower. Most of my friends weren't even married yet, and living in small apartments. My mom held it at her home. It was just women, but I've been to couples showers. Usually, the guys went off to another area during presents. It's rare for people to play silly games here, so it's pretty much a party, with gifts.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not kidding! Doctors generally allow alcohol to pregnant moms - in moderation of course.

I see nothing wrong with the mom to be having a glass of champagne at her shower?

I drank a glass of wine almost daily during the last two weeks I was pregnant with my twins, because of endless BH contractions. I didn't want to go to the hospital, to be either put on medication, or deliver early (c/s). I also had a glass of wine at special occassions.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Really? I was under the impression that etiquette dictates that the mother (or really any relative) of the guest of honor should not host a shower, whether that's a baby shower or bridal shower. Unless of course it's going to be a "family only" type thing, but it doesn't sound like this will be. I realize that most people don't worry about that sort of thing these days, but I could swear I remember Miss Manners and Elizabeth Post saying family members should not host showers.

I'm not completely imagining it, at least. Here's a response from Miss Manners that mentions that "rule". http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8319034

My mom (63) believes this! I once said I wanted to have a shower for my cousin, and she informed me that family does not throw showers for each other. It is against etiquette. I told my mom she needed to get with the times!

Since then, some of my cousins have had showers for their sisters, and my mom has always been there. Thankfully, I don't think she told them what she told me!

I've been to several couples' wedding showers, but only female baby showers.

 

[ksjayhawks]

It is against etiquette rules to host your own shower. Close family such as moms/moms-in-laws--can host a shower if it is for family members only. Now, you could host the shower if you wanted.

This sounds like a gift-grab by your SIL (with MIL's help)--inviting 50 plus people??? It is extremely rude for her to use her MIL because of her house and what they can now get out of her in the way of drinks, too. I hope her MIL turns her down.

If I were you, I would decide how much you want to spend on this shower and let her know immediately. Then do not give anymore in the way of cash, buying things, making things, etc. You can also tell her that your contributions to the shower are your gift to her (then if you want to give a token gift, you can as well.) If she insists on having her "blow out" shower, then she needs to do it within her means.

As for the men coming, seems to be regional. The showers I have heard of where men are invited are couples showers where the women do the "shower thing" and the men are usually in another area of the house watching tv, playing cards, drinking, etc. They then show up at the end for the food and to interact together.

Be sure to come back to post and let us know about this shower--I am sure you will have some stories to share!

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I just love how the "etiquette rules" are more stringently defended than actual state and federal laws. Seriously, it's not like you're going to do 10 years in the pen because your blood relative held your shower.. or *gasp* held your own! It's not even an ethics or morals "thing."

What's the worst than can happen? People (or other family members) talk about your behind your back? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news-- someone's probably doing that already for some darn reason or another anyway. Or even *WORSE* some busybody self-appointed etiquette police won't come? Oh darn. Big freaking deal. Like you want someone like that at your party anyway.

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

I personally wouldn't have wanted to plan my own baby shower but that's just me. My MIL threw a shower for me, my DH stayed but mainly b/c it was all his relatives (all mine are back east) and I didn't really know any of them that well. I don't even think my MIL asked what kind of food I liked but it was a nice shower, I felt special, and most important - I really felt like everyone was there to celebrate my baby which at the end of the day is all that really matters. Do I think your SIL is being rude - not just yet. Now if she is going to dictate the guest list, the decor, food, drinks, prizes, etc. and not help pay for it then she crosses the line. Unless you're footing the bill you should allow whomever is paying for it to give you the best shower they can afford not what you saw on TV or read in a magazine somewhere. After all it is about the baby not showing off to your friends and family.