MIL/SIL planning her own baby shower - is this proper?

[andysgirl360]

Well...way to lump all men as Neanderthals. Not all of us are knuckle-dragging mouth breathers. Case in point. One of my very dear friends was expecting last year...(in fact, her son's first birthday was just a week ago) She had as many guy friends show up as girl friends. Every guy there was happy to be there for her. Of course...it was not a "traditional" baby shower...there were adult beverages, lots of laughs, lots of good times. It was a CELEBRATION for her and her soon to be born son. Yes, there were ooohs and awwws at all the gifts she recieved. There was fun and laughter and hugging and all that. It was a great time.

I appreciate your post, but your case in point is not my case in point. What you are describing is nothing like the baby showers we're used to - and frankly, it seems more like a generic get together rather than a celebration of motherhood. If that's what you do in your area, and that's what you like, then that is great (truly, no snark here, everyone likes different things and I respect that )

I guess I am more traditional (despite being younger than the SIL in question LOL) in the fact that I see a baby shower as being an all female event, more like a bonding and support for the mom.

Whatever the shower turns out to be, of course I will go and be truly happy for her.

and my DH is certainly not a Neanderthal but he did not attend my baby shower (nor did I expect him to) and does not want to attend this one either, despite being very happy for his sister.

 

[Jennasis]

I appreciate your post, but your case in point is not my case in point. What you are describing is nothing like the baby showers we're used to - and frankly, it seems more like a generic get together rather than a celebration of motherhood. If that's what you do in your area, and that's what you like, then that is great (truly, no snark here, everyone likes different things and I respect that )

I guess I am more traditional (despite being younger than the SIL in question LOL) in the fact that I see a baby shower as being an all female event, more like a bonding and support for the mom.

Whatever the shower turns out to be, of course I will go and be truly happy for her.

and my DH is certainly not a Neanderthal but he did not attend my baby shower (nor did I expect him to) and does not want to attend this one either, despite being very happy for his sister.

Lest you forget that this shower isn't being held in your area. It's being held in your SIL's. So your case in point is not your SIL's case in point eh?

 

[andysgirl360]

Lest you forget that this shower isn't being held in your area. It's being held in your SIL's. So your case in point is not your SIL's case in point eh?

No, but she grew up here and was present at many family events, so its not like she doesn't know what a baby shower is (meaning what we usually expect at a baby shower).

The more I think about it, obviously they are going to do what they want, so like a PP said, if I don't have to pay for it, who cares. If I get asked for a donation...well, I may have to think about that one.

I was just really curious as to what others would think of the situation. Different regions do different things I suppose.

 

[luvmy3]

Maybe it is because I don't really drink but why would one have alcohol at a BABY SHOWER? Mom can't drink and since the party if for her...

As a hostess I try to provide for all my guests, not just myself, or the guest of honor. Many people consume alcohol at functions, it doesn't mean its going to be like a keggar in the woods.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP here - thanks for the responses, especially Toad for the man's POV!

Just wanted to say that of course I am thrilled for my SIL and do not begrudge her a shower/party in the least, I just find it a bit strange that this is how they are going about it.

I haven't been asked to contribute any $$$ YET...but I have a feeling that is coming since MIL doesn't have much money and I hope that SIL is not footing the bill for her own shower (she's already asked to borrow our crib, so I imagine she doesn't have much money either) If the shower ends up being 50+ people I can imagine that will be a large amount, which truthfully I would rather spend on a beautiful gift for SIL and baby and not to feed and provide booze for other people. I can't afford both.

the latest this morning from my MIL - they tried booking a party room at someone's condo (too expensive) so now they are going to call my SIL's MIL and ask to use her house....mind you they don't want her involved, but just want to use the house and MIL says "hopefully she will ask if she can do something and I will ask her to get the wine and other drinks". To me that is just beyond tacky.

Well I find these descriptions to be completely obnoxious. They have no money, want a HUGE blowout party and then they expect to barge in on her MIL? That is just wrong.

Yea...they would not be getting a dime from me. Now I might contribute "items" but not money.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Honestly, I'm going to say "Who cares who is planning it?" because fertility problems are probably one of the worst things a woman would have to deal with aside from miscarraige or losing a child. Why wouldn't you celebrate this child?

 

[pozey]

I appreciate your post, but your case in point is not my case in point. What you are describing is nothing like the baby showers we're used to - and frankly, it seems more like a generic get together rather than a celebration of motherhood. If that's what you do in your area, and that's what you like, then that is great (truly, no snark here, everyone likes different things and I respect that )

I beg to differ...on the bolded part. Why does a "celebration of motherhood" have to consist of only females? My friend has as many male friends as females. Are males not allowed to celebrate the fact that one of their friends is having a baby?

I guess I am more traditional (despite being younger than the SIL in question LOL) in the fact that I see a baby shower as being an all female event, more like a bonding and support for the mom.

Again...why all female? Am I, as a male, not allowed to show my support for my female friends who are going to be mothers?


Forgive me if I seem to be rude...it is not my intention at all. I'm just pointing out the fact that showing your support for a mother to be is not relegated to the female population only.

By the way...Congratulations to your sister in law. Because of her fertility complications, this truly is a blessed event that should be celebrated by all of her loved ones...regardless of gender.

 

[Scurvy]

So - do you think its proper for the mom-to-be and her mother to be planning this big blowout? For mom to be to be dictating exactly what she wants? And should my MIL even be involved? I thought it was like wedding showers where the mother of the bride should not host the shower, since it looks like a gift grab...normally it would be friends, in-laws or another female relative (aunt, cousin) that host.

You're right - according to the "rules" of etiquette, someone else should be hosting and planning the shower. I personally find it sort of tacky that she is insisting on having some big blow out for herself. I find it incredibly rude that they are going to ask to use her mother-in-law's house. Unless she's offering on her own, they shouldn't be asking - especially since they didn't even want her involved. The whole thing kind of rubs me the wrong way, but then I dislike it when people are so intent on getting attention like this. And it does come across as very gift grabby to me.

ETA - I know it's becoming much more common to include men in showers. Therre's nothing wrong with that at all from an etiquette standpoint. I personally probably wouldn't include men, but that's just a matter of personal preference.

 

[andysgirl360]

I was starting to think that I was alone on the etiquette thing...I was always brought up to believe that showers (bridal or baby) were always planned FOR you by someone else, and not your mother. could be friends, aunt, cousin, sister, SIL whatever.

 

[andysgirl360]

I beg to differ...on the bolded part. Why does a "celebration of motherhood" have to consist of only females? My friend has as many male friends as females. Are males not allowed to celebrate the fact that one of their friends is having a baby?



Again...why all female? Am I, as a male, not allowed to show my support for my female friends who are going to be mothers?


Forgive me if I seem to be rude...it is not my intention at all. I'm just pointing out the fact that showing your support for a mother to be is not relegated to the female population only.

By the way...Congratulations to your sister in law. Because of her fertility complications, this truly is a blessed event that should be celebrated by all of her loved ones...regardless of gender.

Thanks for the congrats - it is really a blessed event and we are all happy for her, its been a long road with many disappointments along the way.

I guess I am just traditional - I see a baby shower as more of a female thing. Honestly I don't know any guys that are dead set on attending baby showers, friends of the mom-to- be or not. I promise I'm really not a man-basher, but I just don't see them fitting in to our idea of a baby shower.

No, I don't find you rude at all....everyone has their own opinions and we are free to agree to disagree - it's what makes the world go round

 

[bluesaturn]

No, but she grew up here and was present at many family events, so its not like she doesn't know what a baby shower is (meaning what we usually expect at a baby shower).

This might be why she's hosting it herself. Maybe she doesn't want to do things the way you expect. Maybe she's embraced new traditions that she likes much more than the old ones. Maybe she really wants to include her husband and her friends in her area, and she knows her family won't throw a shower that includes them. So that's why she's just hosting her own.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Just wondering if I am off base here...my SIL is having her first child (and likely her only due to fertility problems). My MIL approached me a couple of weeks ago and said she would plan the baby shower.

All 3 of us live in different cities (hours away from each other), and the shower is being held in SIL's city. MIL tells me SIL (her daughter) wants a HUGE blowout, mother of all baby showers etc, since this likely her only shot. She wants at least 50 people, wants to include men (??) and does not want anyone but her and her mother to plan it because she does not want her own in-laws involved, other than showing up and of course bringing a gift. I'm involved because MIL asked for my help.

For me, this just seems out of control and frankly, rude. I don't ever remember moms-to-be having a major say in what their shower was going to be like. Basically you had an "idea" that someone was going to give you one, and whatever it was, it was. Be grateful for the fact that people cared about you and your baby enough to go to the trouble of planning a party and getting you gifts.

And what's with men being invited? Apparently in her town its the "new" thing, co-ed baby showers. I don't care who you are, there is NO man alive that would say he WANTS to go to a baby shower, the Dad to be included. If they are there its because their better half probably threatened them with bodily harm Am I old school to think this is a weird idea? Do men really want to sit around and listen to our labor and delivery stories?

So - do you think its proper for the mom-to-be and her mother to be planning this big blowout? For mom to be to be dictating exactly what she wants? And should my MIL even be involved? I thought it was like wedding showers where the mother of the bride should not host the shower, since it looks like a gift grab...normally it would be friends, in-laws or another female relative (aunt, cousin) that host.

Yes, it is totally appropriate and traditional for the Grandmother to host the baby shower. And if she is asking for the mom's input, even to the extent you describe, still ok.

And thank Goodness baby showers are turning more into celebrations of a new life, with both men and women attending, rather than the traditional baby shower where you played silly games like who has the gauze with the peanut butter in it (the poopy diaper.)

I am on my second round of baby showers, now as the friend of the grandmother and I too have yet to hear stories of labor and delivery. Perhaps all the ones I go to, we try to refrain from scaring the soon to be mom.

 

[andysgirl360]

This might be why she's hosting it herself. Maybe she doesn't want to do things the way you expect. Maybe she's embraced new traditions that she likes much more than the old ones. Maybe she really wants to include her husband and her friends in her area, and she knows her family won't throw a shower that includes them. So that's why she's just hosting her own.

But she's not doing it alone - she is begging her mother to do it, so her MIL/SIL doesn't do it (she doesnt' get along with her in-laws). And now her mother, my MIL, is asking me to help.

So in my eyes, she is asking us to pay for/plan a big party that she wants, dictated by her...that is what I am having a problem with.

PS - I know her husband, he would rather be anyplace else than a baby shower, trust me

 

[PigletsMommy]

Honestly, I'm going to say "Who cares who is planning it?" because fertility problems are probably one of the worst things a woman would have to deal with aside from miscarraige or losing a child. Why wouldn't you celebrate this child?

I don't mean to hijack this thread but I'm just wondering if you could explain this to me. Honestly... I am not being sarcastic. It is something that has bothered me for some time now and I'm wondering...Why is a miscarriage/loss of child worse than enduring months/years of negative pregnancy tests, months/years of fertility tests, then drugs, then invasive procedures. I know personally, every failed pregnancy test & failed procedure was an indescrible loss. The only way I could find to describe it was like the death of a famly member over and over again, month after month.

I'm not talking about multiple miscarriages...to me, not being able to carry a child to term multiple times lends to fertility problems. Essentially, I see them as one and the same.

I really do want to know, as I had a friend who felt the same way. Why use the term "aside"... meaning that a miscarriage is worse than infertility.

 

[bluesaturn]

But she's not doing it alone - she is begging her mother to do it, so her MIL/SIL doesn't do it (she doesnt' get along with her in-laws). And now her mother, my MIL, is asking me to help.

So in my eyes, she is asking us to pay for/plan a big party that she wants, dictated by her...that is what I am having a problem with.

PS - I know her husband, he would rather be anyplace else than a baby shower, trust me

I don't see a problem asking her mother to do it the way she wants. It's her own mother. If you can't ask your own mother to help you, who can you ask? Maybe if she starts demanding things of you that's too much, but it doesn't sound like that's happened yet.

Maybe her husband doesn't like baby showers. But, you would think he would make an exception for his own baby. And, if she wants him there he should be there. Maybe that's why he's going to be there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But she's not doing it alone - she is begging her mother to do it, so her MIL/SIL doesn't do it (she doesnt' get along with her in-laws). And now her mother, my MIL, is asking me to help.

So in my eyes, she is asking us to pay for/plan a big party that she wants, dictated by her...that is what I am having a problem with.

PS - I know her husband, he would rather be anyplace else than a baby shower, trust me

Tell her you can't help out at this moment. In fact talk it over with your dh and budget your money for "the event", including travel, hotel, gift, etc....

Once you get your numbers then you can comfortably tell her that your dh (her son) talked it over and we can only do ____________.

ARM YOURSELF!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

You're right - according to the "rules" of etiquette, someone else should be hosting and planning the shower. I personally find it sort of tacky that she is insisting on having some big blow out for herself. I find it incredibly rude that they are going to ask to use her mother-in-law's house. Unless she's offering on her own, they shouldn't be asking - especially since they didn't even want her involved. The whole thing kind of rubs me the wrong way, but then I dislike it when people are so intent on getting attention like this. And it does come across as very gift grabby to me.

ETA - I know it's becoming much more common to include men in showers. Therre's nothing wrong with that at all from an etiquette standpoint. I personally probably wouldn't include men, but that's just a matter of personal preference.

The grandmother hosting the baby shower is completely within the bounds of proper etiquette.

Whether she is soliciting advice from the mother-to-be or the mother-to-be is dictating how the party is run is pretty moot when it comes to etiquette. As long as Grandma is the hostess, everything is fine etiquette wise.

As for the other stuff, I won't judge since I have not heard their side of the story. The OP has definite set ideas of what a baby shower needs to look like, so I would assume that would color her description of how the family is going about planning something different.

As they say, there are always 3 sides to a story.

 

[ndelaware]

I have known my wife for almost 25 years and have been to every baby shower in her family in that time. That includes the shower for my own children, which included some gifts (mostly gag type) for me. It is the tradition in her family and us guys enjoy being there.

 

[Scurvy]

The grandmother hosting the baby shower is completely within the bounds of proper etiquette.

Really? I was under the impression that etiquette dictates that the mother (or really any relative) of the guest of honor should not host a shower, whether that's a baby shower or bridal shower. Unless of course it's going to be a "family only" type thing, but it doesn't sound like this will be. I realize that most people don't worry about that sort of thing these days, but I could swear I remember Miss Manners and Elizabeth Post saying family members should not host showers.

I'm not completely imagining it, at least. Here's a response from Miss Manners that mentions that "rule". http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8319034

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Maybe it is because I don't really drink but why would one have alcohol at a BABY SHOWER? Mom can't drink and since the party if for her...

Why can't moms drink? Most people have a cocktail or two (at least that I know). We always have alcohol at showers - it is the only way to tolerate them!