MIL/SIL planning her own baby shower - is this proper?

[andysgirl360]

Just wondering if I am off base here...my SIL is having her first child. My MIL approached me a couple of weeks ago and said she would plan the baby shower.

All 3 of us live in different cities (hours away from each other), and the shower is being held in SIL's city. MIL tells me SIL (her daughter) wants a HUGE blowout, mother of all baby showers etc, since this likely her only shot. She wants at least 50 people, wants to include men (??) and does not want anyone but her and her mother to plan it because she does not want her own in-laws involved, other than showing up and of course bringing a gift. I'm involved because MIL asked for my help.

For me, this just seems out of control and frankly, rude. I don't ever remember moms-to-be having a major say in what their shower was going to be like. Basically you had an "idea" that someone was going to give you one, and whatever it was, it was. Be grateful for the fact that people cared about you and your baby enough to go to the trouble of planning a party and getting you gifts.

And what's with men being invited? Apparently in her town its the "new" thing, co-ed baby showers. I don't care who you are, there is NO man alive that would say he WANTS to go to a baby shower, the Dad to be included. If they are there its because their better half probably threatened them with bodily harm Am I old school to think this is a weird idea? Do men really want to sit around and listen to our labor and delivery stories?

So - do you think its proper for the mom-to-be and her mother to be planning this big blowout? For mom to be to be dictating exactly what she wants? And should my MIL even be involved? I thought it was like wedding showers where the mother of the bride should not host the shower, since it looks like a gift grab...normally it would be friends, in-laws or another female relative (aunt, cousin) that host.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

The "men" at baby showers & bridal showers is a new thing. It's sweeping our area, as well, and, as a guy, yes we would rather be somewhere else.

Also, it seems that the mom-to-be planning everything is becoming more commonplace, too. My SIL planned hers (no men, thank God!), and it looks like one of our friends will be doing the same.

I guess it's just a sign of the times. Someone can plan it on their own and still be tactful. Now, in the example you're giving, it sounds like it has the possibility of becoming overblown, and then it becomes a little awkward.

 

[Jennasis]

Yes. It's fine.

In my experience, the grandmother to be (your MIL) is traditionally the one to plan, or sometimes a sister, BFF or even an aunt. It sounds like the mom to be is very excited about her one and only child. Are they asking you to foot the bill? Whoever foots the bill gets to decide how "BIG" the party is. If the MIL and SIL are paying, they get to decide. If you're being asked to contribute money, then you get a say. Or politely decline.

 

[WL Fan]

Eh. I think it's weird, and gift-grabby.

What ever happened to the showers where the mother-to-be turned up in her little ducky maternity top and everyone oohed and aahed over the onesies and bath blankets?

Everything just has to be over the top, all about me anymore.

 

[wendy46001]

Guess i just see these as parties (not old school baby showers)

honestly i hate showers,
and if i'm going to be tortured you bet i'll jump at the opportunity to drag DH along

Just from your description i'd say it was more of a location thing as to why Mom to be is so involved...but as long as you’re not being asked to pay I cant see how it matters who does most of the planning

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As long as I am not doing it & paying for it, I am good. Are they asking you to pay up for this? I would have an issue with that.

I don't have an issue with "co-ed" showers. That way my dh can go and share in the "fun".

This just does not hit my radar of things to be concerned about (as long as I am not paying).

Just go and enjoy yourself!

 

[luvmy3]

I don't see a problem with a Mom planning a shower for her own dd, and I don't see an issue with men being invited since the baby's father has just as much cause for celebration as the baby's mother does. There is no reason why he should be excluded, or any male guests he would want there to be either. Also, 50 people when talking about men and women being there isn't alot. I had a huge baby shower, with only family and close friends, the men showed up after to eat the leftover food
I also don't think that involving the in-laws is a must, if they are invited they do not need to be involved in the planning, other that providing names for the hubby's side if needed.

 

[disneychrista]

And what's with men being invited?

Why shouldn't the father of the baby and male friends be there? I don't understand this at all!!

I had a small shower (less than 10 people) at work when I had my oldest. And I think it was about 1/3 male (about 3) co-workers . Never thought it was odd to have guys there.

 

[AJ12345]

I don't know where you live, but I'm from Jersey. I think about 75% of the baby showers I've been to in recent years are "men included" I don't know if it's the area I live in or what, but they're usually pretty big too. Close to 100 ppl.

And I always thought the grandmother to be was the one who was supposed to throw the baby shower? Or a close family member. Aunt to be, MIL, etc.

 

[Jennasis]

Why shouldn't the father of the baby and male friends be there? I don't understand this at all!!

I had a small shower (less than 10 people) at work when I had my oldest. And I think it was about 1/3 male (about 3) co-workers . Never thought it was odd to have guys there.

DH has to attend many showers each year at work. AND he usually has to bring a covered dish (that he makes BTW).

 

[NMAmy]

Do men really want to sit around and listen to our labor and delivery stories?

I'm 47 years old and have never been to a baby shower that included labor and delivery stories, thank heavens.

As far as who does the planning--I could care less as long as I don't have to do it. And for inviting men--again, it doesn't bother me. My niece had men at her baby shower--DH had a good time hanging out with my nephew and my niece's husband. It's no different than a family birthday party.

 

[andysgirl360]

OP here - thanks for the responses, especially Toad for the man's POV!

Just wanted to say that of course I am thrilled for my SIL and do not begrudge her a shower/party in the least, I just find it a bit strange that this is how they are going about it.

I haven't been asked to contribute any $$$ YET...but I have a feeling that is coming since MIL doesn't have much money and I hope that SIL is not footing the bill for her own shower (she's already asked to borrow our crib, so I imagine she doesn't have much money either) If the shower ends up being 50+ people I can imagine that will be a large amount, which truthfully I would rather spend on a beautiful gift for SIL and baby and not to feed and provide booze for other people. I can't afford both.

 

[piglet too]

I thought it was the grandmother-to-be or a sister/good friend who threw the baby showers. As for men, all the ones I have been to over the years have included the dad-to-be as well as male friends and family members.

 

[Jennasis]

The situation you describe is weird, but it sounds like just another family dynamic.

If they ask you for money, say you can either buy a gift for the baby or contribute to the shower, but not both, and have a set amount in mind. Or you can decline to contribut in any way.

 

[andysgirl360]

Re the men thing: I guess its a regional thing - where I'm from, no men would even want to go. They show up later when the ladies have left to eat the leftovers and help get the gifts in the car. I see it more as a female bonding thing with your girlfriends and female relatives. A nice little get together to support and wish the mother to be well and pass on advice etc. Not a big blowout co-ed party that ends up costing someone big $$$ to put it on.

 

[disneychrista]

I will ask her to get the wine and other drinks". To me that is just beyond tacky.

Maybe it is because I don't really drink but why would one have alcohol at a BABY SHOWER? Mom can't drink and since the party if for her...

 

[Toad_Passenger]

OP here - thanks for the responses, especially Toad for the man's POV!

No problem. Now, just because I said there's other places we'd rather be, doesn't mean we don't do our "duty" and soldier along. As a PP pointed out, for my DW it's a matter of, "If I have to suffer, so does HE!"

The last "men-included" shower I went to wasn't so bad. Most of the guys hung out in another room to drink beer and watch a Football game. We mingled with the ladies for a little bit while everyone was eating, but during the gifts and girl-talk we were certainly excused.

 

[okeydokey]

If I'm paying, then I am planning. If they want to pay for it, they can do whatever they want.

 

[pozey]

I will preface this by saying I am a GUY...and I have 3 kids of my own...so I've gone through a few showers..

Just wondering if I am off base here...my SIL is having her first child (and likely her only due to fertility problems). My MIL approached me a couple of weeks ago and said she would plan the baby shower.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with it...If your SIL has fertility problems and this may be her first and only child...have a BIG BLOWOUT!!

All 3 of us live in different cities (hours away from each other), and the shower is being held in SIL's city. MIL tells me SIL (her daughter) wants a HUGE blowout, mother of all baby showers etc, since this likely her only shot. She wants at least 50 people, wants to include men (??) and does not want anyone but her and her mother to plan it because she does not want her own in-laws involved, other than showing up and of course bringing a gift. I'm involved because MIL asked for my help.

Again...because you all live in different cities...make it a big PARTY!! Because of the distance...have one big party instead of several small ones. And because it will be more of a party..invite the guys. I went to a couple of the showers for my kids and have been invited to showers for my friends who were expecting.

For me, this just seems out of control and frankly, rude. I don't ever remember moms-to-be having a major say in what their shower was going to be like. Basically you had an "idea" that someone was going to give you one, and whatever it was, it was. Be grateful for the fact that people cared about you and your baby enough to go to the trouble of planning a party and getting you gifts.

I see nothing rude about it.

And what's with men being invited? Apparently in her town its the "new" thing, co-ed baby showers. I don't care who you are, there is NO man alive that would say he WANTS to go to a baby shower, the Dad to be included. If they are there its because their better half probably threatened them with bodily harm Am I old school to think this is a weird idea? Do men really want to sit around and listen to our labor and delivery stories?

Well...way to lump all men as Neanderthals. Not all of us are knuckle-dragging mouth breathers. Case in point. One of my very dear friends was expecting last year...(in fact, her son's first birthday was just a week ago) She had as many guy friends show up as girl friends. Every guy there was happy to be there for her. Of course...it was not a "traditional" baby shower...there were adult beverages, lots of laughs, lots of good times. It was a CELEBRATION for her and her soon to be born son. Yes, there were ooohs and awwws at all the gifts she recieved. There was fun and laughter and hugging and all that. It was a great time.

So - do you think its proper for the mom-to-be and her mother to be planning this big blowout? For mom to be to be dictating exactly what she wants? And should my MIL even be involved? I thought it was like wedding showers where the mother of the bride should not host the shower, since it looks like a gift grab...normally it would be friends, in-laws or another female relative (aunt, cousin) that host.

Why SHOULDN'T your MIL be involved?? It's her DAUGHTER!! I'm not understanding your disapproval of WHO is throwing the party...

Anyway...I see absolutely NOTHING wrong...it's a PARTY and a CELEBRATION of LIFE...

 

[PigletsMommy]

Well I had severe fertility issues and it is likely that DD will be our only child. Fertility problems can definitely change what is "normal" to those going thru it. It is really hard to explain unless you go thru it. Personally, I had issues with the loss of control that comes along with medications, surgeries, testing, doctors, etc... so maybe this new mom has some of the same issues and planning her own shower is her way of getting some control back in her life? I was just so excited that we were actually successful in becoming pregnant that I wanted to be involved in everything. IDK... I'm sure she has her reasons. I am usually the type of person that does the etiquette thing, but in this situation (and after everything I personally went thru to get pregnant) I would give mom a break.

I had 2 baby showers and this was my experience.

My family is in MI and my stepmother offered to throw me a baby shower. The only thing I asked was to have it earlier than normal, because of travelling issues. Other than that I didn't know anything. I tried to ask how plans were coming along and she wouldn't tell me anything. It was your typical shower. Women only (about 50), games and prizes, typical shower food. I don't know why but I was stressed. It just wasn't any fun for me. She did everything the "right" way and it was all really sweet. But I just couldnt wait for it to be over so I could go relax.

Shower #2 was in TN and was given by my mom & best friend. DH's family & our friends were all invited. I had a talk with them and told them exactly what I wanted. A cookout at the park and DH there so men were invited. Families could come and take their kids to play at the playground. I had input in the decorations and even designed the invitations. They gave me choices on the cake and let me pick. I let DH open gifts and try to guess what each item was used for. I just wrote down what it was & who it was from so that I could send the Thank yous. Honestly... it was so much fun. Maybe because I knew what to expect? IDK...I just know it was a much easier day for me with DH there and in an environment I was comfortable with.

Just my personal experience... This woman has been thru a lot with fertility treatments and having to accept that this will likely be her only child.