MIL Is Moving In With Us!

[FourFlans]

My MIL has Stage IV adenocarcinoma (a form of non-small cell lung cancer). She's been in the hospital for a little over a week after having a chest tube inserted to drain fluid and working with the docs to stabilize her oxygen flow.

DH has gone to pick her up now and move her into our home. The folks from Apria have already set up in-home oxygen and the respiratory therapist is coming out this evening to do our first in-home evaluation.

Originally I thought this was a temporary arrangement through the recovery and strength building phase of the post surgery period. But it seems that it's permanent.

She has said she plans to die with us.

I'm really okay with this. But I'm worried about the impact on DDs 8 & 5 over the next few months.

First little bit will truly be a blessing for DDs. They will get to spend so much time with her and have so many wonderful memories.

But as she declines, and especially during the active dying phase, I worry that it will be too much for my little girls.

Just posting for a little stress relief and to ask for a few prayers that MIL settles in okay and we make it through this first weekend without any major incident.

Thanks in advance.

 

[rascalmom]

Prayers for your MIL and all of your family during this difficult time.

 

[chrissyk]

My dad's mom lived with us towards the end of her life, but went home to pass away. I was younger than your kids, though, so I don't have many memories of that time. It's a blessing that your kids will be old enough to remember the extra time that they will have with their grandmother. Maybe you could involve hospice at the end? Kids are resilient, though, and you may be surprised at how well they process this experience.

 

[Disney Doll]

I was going to say the same thing as chrissyk. Kids are more resilient than you think and they may do better with this than the adults!!!!!

My two young nephews were at my DMIL's home when she died, and they both kind of said "well, now she's with Jesus". We did get a cousin to come and take them over to her house to play with her children before the undertaker came to take my DMIL away, because we thought seeing the specifics of that might be distressing, but during her dying and immediately after death, they were fine.

 

[tar heel]

HOSPICE. Sorry to shout, but hospice services are what you need. To have hospice covered by medicare or insurance, the physician generally needs to think the patient's life expectancy is 6 months or less. Don't wait until she is near death because the hospice social workers will be very helpful to your family including your children. I used to work for a hospice and the social workers and art therpist often worked with children BEFORE died to help them understand what was going on and not be afraid of grandma b/c she was different. There was even a summer camp that was fantastic for children who had lost a loved one.

 

[C.Ann]

It's a wonderful thing you're doing for your MIL.. Some age-appropriate discussions with your children would be a big help..

Hugs to all of you..

 

[EthansMom]

to you and your family. Your MIL will be in my prayers.

 

[Nik's Mom]

My Dad died a few months ago from lung cancer. While he did not live with us, we hung out at his house quite a bit, since he only lived blocks away. My ds's are 3 and 6. My 3 year old didn't get it at all. My 6 year old did seem to realize what was happening. The first time he saw my Dad hooked up to oxygen, he started pacing back and forth and saying "grandpa's hurt!" Keep in mind that my ds is autistic. Dad was wonderful and actually comforted ds. Towards the end, it really was too much for ds to handle, so I kept our visits brief. I would take the kids out for a little walk when ds seemed too worried about his grandpa. In the end when Dad passed, ds actually comforted us. When he would see me cry, he would run over and hug me and say "don't cry, Mommy". For weeks after the funeral he would tell my Mom "Grandpa's dead". I think it was his way of telling my Mom not to worry about my Dad anymore.
In retrospect, my ds handed it well. He was always there to comfort people when he saw them sad.
My prayers go out to your family. It's not easy watching someone slip away from cancer. Please know that you are in my prayers.

 

[FourFlans]

Thanks to all for your kind words and prayers.

MIL settled in very well over the weekend and the kids are thrilled to have her with them. DD 8 slept with her on Saturday night and they had a good, old-fashioned slumber party. They gabbed late into the night and fell asleep watching Home Alone. MIL told me yesterday it's the most fun she's had in a long time.

DD 5 is also enjoying the "guest". She keeps playing nurse with MIL, which makes MIL laugh (good medicine).

There is no doubt that we will be utlizing hospice services in the future. For now, she is not in any pain and is doing pretty good, considering.

Today will be telling.....she is going to let her oncologist know of her decision re: chemo. She is a little "wishy-washy", her words yesterday, and said she probably won't know her decision until it pops out of her mouth. She does not want to spend her last months sick, but we've told her many times that maybe she could try the chemo, and she can say "no more" at any time. So, we'll see........

Thanks again for the prayers......I'm a believer in the power that comes with prayer.

And thanks for this place....where I can put into words some of what I'm feeling and thinking......because we all know that we can't always share those things openly.

 

[minniecarousel]

What wonderful daughters you have (& beautiful too!) This is such a great gift to give your MIL!

Hang in there.

 

[mtdevine615]

It will be hard on the kids but it is also part of life. Your kids will have some fantasitc memorires for the rest of their lives. And believe it or not this is probably what your MIL wants, to be around family. After all when you get right down to it that's all we have is family. I know you MIL will have a ball just being around the kids, it will make her fell young again.

 

[FourFlans]

What wonderful daughters you have (& beautiful too!) This is such a great gift to give your MIL!

Hang in there.

Thanks! DH and I are blessed with the two of them!

 

[Poohnatic]

I think the girls will be fine.

My mom lost her battle with small cell lung cancer in October. My two kids had been there in July for my SIL's last three weeks, also battling small cell lung cancer. It's really given them a healthy dose of compassion for others.

Years from now, I'm sure they'll cherish the memories of grandma living with them.

Hugs to you and prayers for strength and courage.

Suzanne

 

[ashjohnson80]

Both my grandma and my mamaw lived with us at the end of their lives. I was 9 when mamaw died and 13 when grandma died. I am really glad for the time that I got to spend with them, even though they were sick. I feel like I got to know them so much better and have so many more memories than if they would have stayed in Florida and Virginia, or even in the same town but not with us.

 

[FourFlans]

Just to share......

DD8 spent about an hour last night telling MIL all about her adventure at Discovery Cove when we were there (can't believe it's only been a little over a week ago). They are going to be so close during this time--I can see that developing.

Other happenings today......SIL is going to drive me insane. She and MIL lived together for the last 11 or so years. She is an alcoholic, works at newspaper owned by MIL, and really has nothing and no one that is not connected with MIL. Her whole life is being turned upside down by this, as MIL has chosen to live with us instead of at home with SIL.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding of how this must be impacting SIL. But this morning she called the house, as I was trying to get ready for work, and talked to me for 45 minutes about everything I'm not doing right for her mother. I know she is missing her desperately, and is very lonely, and is also dealing with the knowledge that it is her alocoholism and what she's done to the house that has led to this situation.

DH and I have offered to send a crew to the house to clean and repair all areas and make it fit for MIL to move back in. But until SIL gets her life together, that really can't happen.

So today I pray for a loving heart and the compassion I need to deal with SIL and give her some peace.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Prayers to you all.

I think you will be surprised at how well your DD handle this. I'm sure they will do fine.