MIL invites herself with us !!!!

[paulfoel]

Bit of background first...

My wifes father passed away 6 years ago. Since then her mother has been a bit of a strain, shall we say, on my wifes time. Basically, every weekend, bank holiday or whatever, my MIL expects one of her children (luckily my wife has got two brothers and a sister) to basically look after her and entertain her - theres nothing she will do on her own.

This means that maybe every other Saturday or whatever we have to take my MIL out shopping (all she ever wants to do).

My wife has tried to get her mother to do things on her own, go out with her friends but no luck. Its as if my MIL thinks its her kids responsibility to look after her now her husband is gone.

The other thing is my MIL has got a tendency to take over a bit. You can guarantee you'll always end up doing what she wants to do. When we go out (wife, me, son, and MIL) you guarantee I'll be treated like the odd one out.

Anyway, we always go to WDW every year for holidays (just the three of us).

The last few years we've also had another holiday, for a week or something in the UK, and taken MIL with us. Each time, however, has been a bit of a disaster.

She normally annoys me within a day and my wife and I usually end up having an argument. However, I've learned to try and put with my MIL because its sort of like out second holiday..

However, last night, and I'm still bomping mad about it she just came out and said 'I think I might come to Florida with you next year'. No invite - nothing!!!! I nearly choked on my food !!!!

Spoke to my wife about it and she agrees that it would not be a good idea.... Other reasons why it wouldnt be a good idea:-

1. She doesnt like to do what we do (i.e. Disney).
2. My wife would end up stuck taking her shopping all the time.
3. My wife doesnt want her to go either.
4. She'd wind me up in a day and my wife and I would end up arguing.

I've told my wife now that I'll happily take her to Butlins or wherever she wants to go earlier in the year. I've even said that if we had a big family holiday (with her sisters family as well) that I'd put up with her mother going (we could share MIL duties!!!).

But, I said, I was not willing to have her spoil my holiday time with my family.

I realise shes put my wife in a bit of a position now, and I'm really annoyed at how selfish she is and how shes done it. But, our holiday is the one time we get family time together without the day to day hassles...

I've even told my wife that if it comes to the crunch she can tell her mother the truth, that I'm the one who doesnt want her to go.

I'm still REALLY REALLY annoyed at the way my MIL has done this.

Anybody got any comments? Do you think I'm right to put my foot down like this? Or do you think I'm being unreasonable?

 

[carolfoy]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, why should you have your favourite holiday spoiled by someone you didn't want along anyway? several of us here on the boards, myself included, have taken friends to WDW and have found it hard enough putting up with other peoples quirks and foibles, you already know she'd wind you up and that would spoil the whole thing for you from the start.
I amd not known for tact and diplomacy so I can't give you any advice on how best to say it but do not put up with it or get pushed into thinking it will be ok.

 

[paulfoel]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, why should you have your favourite holiday spoiled by someone you didn't want along anyway? several of us here on the boards, myself included, have taken friends to WDW and have found it hard enough putting up with other peoples quirks and foibles, you already know she'd wind you up and that would spoil the whole thing for you from the start.
I amd not known for tact and diplomacy so I can't give you any advice on how best to say it but do not put up with it or get pushed into thinking it will be ok.

Exactlly - I'm very annoyed that my MIL is trying to encroach on what I think is my families time !!! Luckily my wife agrees with me....

Last year we took her to Belgium to place called sunparks (bit like centre parks in the UK). She moaned from start to finish. Peeved me off after about 30 mins - by the end of 5 days I was glad to get rid of her !!!!

 

[disneyholic family]

my mom has spent ever increasing amounts of time with us (as a family) and me since my father died (10 years ago)...
however, since she lives in the states, it only happens when she comes here for a visit ---but in the past few years, her total time here has increased to half the year (she flies back and forth, so it's a month at a time for a total of about 6 months in a year)...

the thing is, i never get the feeling she appreciates all the time i spend with her (i'm paid by the hour, so every hour i don't work, i don't get paid)..

when we go on holiday, she often comes along (if she's here)..

when we went to DLP, she came along...that was a bit difficult (especially since she can't walk as well or as quickly as we do)...

when we go to WDW, she only comes along for a few days, since she can fly back home to her home in the states....
so it's not too bad....but i totally appreciate what you go through..

don't get me wrong...my mother is an incredibly generous person who really means well.....but she can be demanding....

but i don't think i'd be able to tell her not to come along....i'd feel too guilty....

i should add that she invites herself along on our holidays...if she's here, and even when she's in the states - like to DLP - she flew from the states to be with us in paris - for 10 days - how could i say no???????

 

[scottishsue]

Your holiday is the one time a year you get to spend with your family and have fun, and your MIL shouldn't really have put you in this position.

It's not a thing I would ever consider - taking friends or family on holiday. I feel it would end up in disaster.

I think you and your wife just have to be polite, but firm, and tell her she can't go. Maybe make the excuse that it would be too hot for her, or too wearing going round the parks, if she doesn't see reasoning.

Hope it works out ok for you - let us know how you get on !!

 

[mandymouse]

Exactlly - I'm very annoyed that my MIL is trying to encroach on what I think is my families time !!! Luckily my wife agrees with me....

Thank goodness your wife agrees with you This would be my idea of a nightmare, as much as I love my family - I don't want to go on holiday with them

I hope she changes her mind

Mandy

 

[paulfoel]

Thank goodness your wife agrees with you This would be my idea of a nightmare, as much as I love my family - I don't want to go on holiday with them

I hope she changes her mind

Mandy

Mandy (thats my wifes name too BTW!!!)

I think you're right but I still feel sorry for my wife that her mothers put her in this position !!!!

 

[paulfoel]

my mom has spent ever increasing amounts of time with us (as a family) and me since my father died (10 years ago)...
however, since she lives in the states, it only happens when she comes here for a visit ---but in the past few years, her total time here has increased to half the year (she flies back and forth, so it's a month at a time for a total of about 6 months in a year)...

the thing is, i never get the feeling she appreciates all the time i spend with her (i'm paid by the hour, so every hour i don't work, i don't get paid)..

when we go on holiday, she often comes along (if she's here)..

when we went to DLP, she came along...that was a bit difficult (especially since she can't walk as well or as quickly as we do)...

when we go to WDW, she only comes along for a few days, since she can fly back home to her home in the states....
so it's not too bad....but i totally appreciate what you go through..

don't get me wrong...my mother is an incredibly generous person who really means well.....but she can be demanding....

but i don't think i'd be able to tell her not to come along....i'd feel too guilty....

i should add that she invites herself along on our holidays...if she's here, and even when she's in the states - like to DLP - she flew from the states to be with us in paris - for 10 days - how could i say no???????

I know what you're saying but, if you have a partner, does he/she mind this at all???

Like I said, we take my MIL one holiday a year, and she spends loads of time with us.

If my MIL was OK, I'd be OK with the idea. Unfortunately, I know it'd be a disaster... Its not just my MIL - I wouldnt be keen to invite my Dad on hols with us. It just wouldnt work....

 

[jen_uk]

I completely agree that it would be a disaster is she went with you! I would make an excuse that you have alot of things already planned and paid for that you don't think she would enjoy, you could also say that you really need to spend time alone as a family.

 

[disneyholic family]

Your holiday is the one time a year you get to spend with your family and have fun, and your MIL shouldn't really have put you in this position.

It's not a thing I would ever consider - taking friends or family on holiday. I feel it would end up in disaster.

I think you and your wife just have to be polite, but firm, and tell her she can't go. Maybe make the excuse that it would be too hot for her, or too wearing going round the parks, if she doesn't see reasoning.

Hope it works out ok for you - let us know how you get on !!

the heat excuse is a good one....
that's why my mom only joins us for a few days at WDW...we go in july when it's too hot for any human being.....

 

[irongirlof12]

I know exactly what you mean , my MIL invited herself along on a few of our holidays and I was really annoyed about it, i was always looking over my shoulder to see if she was there, so couldn't relax. she was always asking what we were up to that day, etc.

Now I tend to keep our holiday plans under wraps, as much as I love the inlaws i don't want to spend our precious family time with them. and they do tend to take over!

My mum wound never dream of doing this.

 

[disneyholic family]

I know what you're saying but, if you have a partner, does he/she mind this at all???

Like I said, we take my MIL one holiday a year, and she spends loads of time with us.

If my MIL was OK, I'd be OK with the idea. Unfortunately, I know it'd be a disaster... Its not just my MIL - I wouldnt be keen to invite my Dad on hols with us. It just wouldnt work....

DH is a saint....really a saint....i wouldn't be able to put up with it if it were his mom.....i would have put my foot down a long time ago if it was his mom, not mine..

of course, when we're not on holiday, it's mostly me who's time is taken up...
but when we're on holiday (like paris) then it's all of us....
and it's not just DH, the kids are also imposed upon...
and it makes them feel soooooooooooooooooo guilty....
because of course they love their grandmother....but she can be so intrusive....and so they get mad.....and then they feel guilty for being angry...
it's really a terrible position to put them in...

i don't know..

but i totally agree that you have to tell her she can't come....make up some excuse if you have to....

 

[jtlover]

Show her your itinery for how you go to the parks and all that walking, that should put her off

No way should you put up with your MIL on your holiday. Not many people would. Everyone works long hours as it is so holidays are precious.

I would suggest you both say firmly that it is not a good idea but how about a couple of away days with her next year - but not Florida!!!!

 

[paulfoel]

Even though my wife doesnt want her coming either I've said she can blame me if needs be....

Better to have my MIL not talking to me than her I suppose !!! Like I said though if she did end up coming I'd end up throttling her anyway...

My main issue is that our hols is our time together as a family away from all the hassles of everyday life. I just know the subject of her mother on holiday would cause arguments between us as well.

 

[angel659]

I would feel the same as you. Especially if they didnt love Disney as much as I do. Spent the whole holiday moaning about it.

I am not sure what to suggest really other than complete honesty.

 

[scottishsue]

Paul..... I feel for you, really I do !!

My Mum is not with us any more sadly, but she would never have suggested going on holiday with us, wherever it was. And my MIL and FIL wouldn't want to go somewhere like that, so it wouldn't be an issue there at all.

The heat must be a huge issue here though. I don't know how old your MIL is, but I know even for us it is a killer going round the Parks sometimes. Plus all the walking !! (I can't think of any other excuses, sorry).

Or maybe you should all sit down and discuss it rationally together, and explain in a nice way, that you just want to go as a family, would that work?
Even suggest a week away somewhere with her at a later date ?

Also, the last thing you want is for you and your wife to start arguing about it when you are out there. That would just make things ten times worse !!
It's a hard decision, but I think you need to say something, and be as diplomatic as you can.

 

[paulfoel]

Show her your itinery for how you go to the parks and all that walking, that should put her off

No way should you put up with your MIL on your holiday. Not many people would. Everyone works long hours as it is so holidays are precious.

I would suggest you both say firmly that it is not a good idea but how about a couple of away days with her next year - but not Florida!!!!

Yeh. I've agreed to go somewhere else with her as well.

The thing is she doesnt really like the Parks. She cant walk very far and doesnt like the heat. All she likes about Florida is the shopping.

You can guess what she would plan to do every day and expect daughter to ferry her around.

BTW. We usually get a villa but you can guarantee she wouldnt contribute to the cost of that. She'd pay her airfare but that;d be it - I'd have to shell out for all her food as well !

 

[aaronandterri]

i know this one well!!
my MIL is A pain, and shes only 50, but it is never ending.
Theres no way she would come on holiday with us ever.

Tell her theres no availability for her x

 

[disneyholic family]

Even though my wife doesnt want her coming either I've said she can blame me if needs be....

Better to have my MIL not talking to me than her I suppose !!! Like I said though if she did end up coming I'd end up throttling her anyway...

My main issue is that our hols is our time together as a family away from all the hassles of everyday life. I just know the subject of her mother on holiday would cause arguments between us as well.

yes, when it's just the 4 of us (me, DH, DD and DS) we're totally relaxed about WDW....just take things as they come....sometimes we just hang about, seemingly doing nothing at all (check out our fishing pictures on my website and you'll see good examples of that).....we just like to enjoy each other's company....sometimes we just sit in the parks in some nice quiet place eating ice cream and talking....
my mom doesn't get that....she needs to be doing doing doing doing doing all the time (and with me ferrying her about , just like your wife)...

and yes, she even makes fun of our love for disney....thankfully she's only there for a short bit, or i would throttle her myself..

yes, you really MUST draw the line and say she cannot go with you to florida....it's out of the quesion...for everyone's sanity....

 

[CustardTart]

OMG Paul - that's my idea of a nightmare! My MIL is widowed and flippin' hard work! Despite having a good pension and savings, she regularly plays the guilt trip thing with my DH - expecting him to contribute/pay up for a range of items from her last two cars to her Sky+ subscription. She even expects him to pay when/if she invites us up to Birmingham for lunch - IMO her attitude is unbelievable but I play along as I know my DH would hate any confrontation...

However she tried to invite herself on vacation with us last time we saw her and that was unacceptable to all of us. We managed to dodge the issue at the time by being deliberately vague about our plans and I have a range of excuses I can come up with if necessary - DH's changing his role at work; it's a tough year for us financially; not sure of DS's school timetable and many more! Despite the fact that we have holidays planned for next year and beyond, we try and make sure she thinks we go at short notice so no chance of her coming with us.

We had her to stay last October and she was beyond hard work - she was critical, extremely demanding and, on occasion, downright unpleasant! I know she would take all the relaxation and fun out of our precious family holidays so there is just no way...

I really hope you're able to work it out, Paul...