MIL has requested her Christmas present

[pyrxtc]

I don't see the big deal. In our family there area bunch of pictures with my grandmother and her kids and even her grandkids but no relatives by marriage are in the picture. Is there something wrong with that ? Maybe she wants a picture that she can keep up forever and things happen between husbands and wives that might make keeping that photo up awkward later so let her have just her kids and her grandkids and show off the generations. I still take pictures with just my siblings and parents without any of our husbands/wives in the pictures. We do a whole family with everyone or just us. In the last family picture it was just us siblings, no DH, DW, or DG's allowed.

 

[Scurvy]

My inlaws always take lots of pictures of different combinations of people when the whole family gets together. They always take at least one with just the inlaws and their two children, my husband and his sister. Then they take one with just the inlaws and grandchildren, and one of all the kids and spouses, and one with the kids, spouses and their children, and of course one with everyone . . . they take lots of pictures. None of it offends me. My parents always did the same thing. However, if they were focusing on only getting (and displaying) pictures with the people to whom they are actually related by biology, then yes I would be very offended. I can completely understand why they want more pictures of themselves with just their children - they have that same group of four people pictured at various occasions and events for the last 40 years and I'd hate for them to stop just because the kids are married now. But they display all the different combinations - some including just their "original" family and some including all of us newcomers - and I've never felt excluded just because I wasn't in all the pictures. I think their intent is very different than the OP's inlaws' intent. In my opinion, OP, if your inlaws never want you to be included in their pictures, then they are being extrememly rude and inconsiderate.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm trying not to be irritated. MIL never makes requests but also never says thank you to me for her gifts. She knows I do all the shopping but she will wait until I am out of the room to open her gift. Over the years I have made it a little game where i try to get her to open it but she'll always make an excuse and open it later. A lot of the gifts are never taken out of their packaging. Very strange!

Now she does like me but she is very cold and distant to everyone. I've been with DH for 20 years. Married for 15, dated for 5. BIL has been married for 10 and they dated for 7.

At our wedding as we were getting pictures of us with DH's family, MIL walked up to the photographer and said she wanted a family picture. Photographer said we just took several, what did you have in mind? She said "MY family, my boys, daughter, husband and I". He said "yes, and the bride which we just took, that is your family" and walked away. She dropped it but never put those pictures up! She has made a few comments over the years about family pics and always leaves out the DILs.

DH's sister passed away in the spring. MIL put in the request to have a "Family" picture for her dining room with the 2 boys and the grandkids. Specifically told DH ONLY the boys and grandkids.

Of course DH will not make any arrangements neither will SIL. I want to do this for her but i'm a little offended how she makes a point to say i am not her family. Does she not realize the grandkids would not be here with out me and SIL???

I am going to call today and book the photographer of course but would anyone else be offended??

My MIL and late FIL always wanted pics of just their family. It took me aback at first but I got over it. I figured she had pics of them growing up and this is just a continuation.
BTW, for the 50th anniversary, they had a family picture including all of us and now 1 of my BIL's is divorced and remarried.He was married to ex for over 20 years. His ex is in the picture but not his new wife. Maybe that is why your MIL iwants just her kids. You never know what the future holds.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I wouldn't be offended. At our wedding we had family pics done one with both of us and each family and then another version with just me & mine and DH and his. I thought it was normal, until now.

 

[bballmom56]

No, I would not be offended. My MIL has been good to me, although we are not super close, and I would not hold that against her. You say your MIL never makes requests for gifts, but now has. I would honor that request and it would be easy because you know it is something she wants and will like. Maybe she didn't open your previous gifts in front of you because she wasn't sure how she would react. That is not right, but that is how it goes apparently. At least this one you know she will be happy with. I don't know - to me it is not a big deal, but that is just the dynamic in our family.

 

[Hannathy]

No, I wouldn't be offended but then my MIL was always one to want a photo of her 4 boys. The rest of the family lives in England so when DH was there, she would always want some photos of her 4 sons and she would display photos of them from the time they were little until they were well into adulthood. I can understand wanting a photo of just your own children or just the grandchildren.

I agree and I understand wanting a picture of just your kids.

I really don't understand the big deal. Now if she wanted a picture with the other DIL and not you then that would be a big deal but to only want your children not your children's spouses that I understand totally. Because let's face it she may love you and like you but you still aren't her baby and that is how she still looks at your DH.

 

[bballmom56]

Maybe she wants a picture that she can keep up forever and things happen between husbands and wives that might make keeping that photo up awkward later so let her have just her kids and her grandkids and show off the generations.

Good point. I am the only DIL left out of a total of 4. (one BIL was married twice, both failed). MIL would NOT want a picture with any of the other 3 DIL's and believe me I know what heartache they caused.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm trying not to be irritated. MIL never makes requests but also never says thank you to me for her gifts. She knows I do all the shopping but she will wait until I am out of the room to open her gift. Over the years I have made it a little game where i try to get her to open it but she'll always make an excuse and open it later. A lot of the gifts are never taken out of their packaging. Very strange!

Now she does like me but she is very cold and distant to everyone. I've been with DH for 20 years. Married for 15, dated for 5. BIL has been married for 10 and they dated for 7.

At our wedding as we were getting pictures of us with DH's family, MIL walked up to the photographer and said she wanted a family picture. Photographer said we just took several, what did you have in mind? She said "MY family, my boys, daughter, husband and I". He said "yes, and the bride which we just took, that is your family" and walked away. She dropped it but never put those pictures up! She has made a few comments over the years about family pics and always leaves out the DILs.

DH's sister passed away in the spring. MIL put in the request to have a "Family" picture for her dining room with the 2 boys and the grandkids. Specifically told DH ONLY the boys and grandkids.

Of course DH will not make any arrangements neither will SIL. I want to do this for her but i'm a little offended how she makes a point to say i am not her family. Does she not realize the grandkids would not be here with out me and SIL???

I am going to call today and book the photographer of course but would anyone else be offended??

She requested a picture of her sons with their children. Why can't her sons hire the photographer?

 

[WDWorBUST]

I don't blame her for wanting a picture of just them, kids and grandkids. My problem would come in with how she was communicating that. If she just said she would like a picture with just "my children and grandchildren" that wouldn't be the same as using the term "family" and excluding part of it.

I would arrange it - and since they will all be dressed for photos I would make sure that myself and SIL matched so you could each get one with just "our family" now. But then I would also request one be done with the entire family. But I'm a picture person. We took our entire family to get pictures made about 5 years ago and we had pics of my mom and dad alone. My mom and dad with the grandkids, me and my sisters, my family, my sister's family, my sister alone, just the grandkids, my dad with each son-in-law, etc. The different groupings all made sense - just like her wanting a picture with just her kids and grandkids makes sense.....she just worded it extremely poorly in my opinion.

 

[RUDisney]

My SILs and BILs laugh about this. We have actually been walked out of family pictures.

My MIL has only been successful in breaking up one of her DS's marriages so far. She is an unhappy woman who doesn't want anyone else to be happy.

The funny thing is that all of her children married positive, happy people, except for the one that failed. My BIL is married to a happy person this time around.

I love giving my MIL family portraits of our family and she (I'm sure reluctantly) displays all of them in her living room.

Sorry for your stress, OP.

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't have time to be offended over silly things. There are so many issues in life that are much more important than this. I don't like to cloud my brain with petty stuff and still thinking back to MIL wanting pics of just her children and she on your wedding day 20 years ago is kinda petty. If old bitty wants to try again for pics then let her children make arrangements . : ) If her kids don't make the arrangements and she happens to bring it up to you, throw your hubby and sil under the bus fast and walk away lol.

Just think, if it actually does happen, it is time to yourself while the rest of the family is standing around getting pics made.

Of course the fact that you are making arrangements shows that you are bigger person , hopefully she will appreciate it , but if not you know tried your best.

 

[jeepgirl30]

I don't blame her for wanting a picture of just them, kids and grandkids. My problem would come in with how she was communicating that. If she just said she would like a picture with just "my children and grandchildren" that wouldn't be the same as using the term "family" and excluding part of it.

This is totally it! I would have no problem if she asked for a subset of group family pics it is more that she is stressing i am not family.

She has always said DH is her favorite, was meant to be an only and was never supposed to get married. it is weird to me but how she is. She is never nasty to me just cold.

I'm not overly upset but my feelings are a bit hurt. I have not said a word to DH nor will I. I don't want this to be major drama in the family.

 

[design_mom]

My MIL has also requested pictures like that, but it’s always been one option and other groupings have also been taken. I just roll with it.

MIL has requested a new family picture for her Christmas gift this year, too. She wants “kids and grandkids.” I assumed that spouses would also be in it (we’re in the one she wants to replace). Maybe I ought to clarify!

I think it’s a little funny when they exclude the spouses but include the grandkids. DH and I adopted our children so they’re not any more biologically related to MIL than I am. I am glad she includes them (and would be really, really upset if she tried to exclude them while including the other grandkids), but I just think it’s kind of funny that they’re “in” for the “just my family photo” while I’m out!

 

[Hannathy]

but if her kids divorced the spouse they the spouse would be out of the family but the kids wouldn't be because they still belong to the father/mother (child of grandmother) therefore the grandmother.

 

[WDSearcher]

I would not do it for starters. Plus I don't shop for DH's mom. That is his job.

Doesn't that just re-affirm that the DIL is NOT part of the husband's mother's family?

By saying that it's your husband's job to shop for "his" mom, you've just explained why it's perfectly okay for the OP's MIL's desire to just have "her" family in the picture. Was that your intent?

 

[Imzadi]

Is MIL from a different country and different ethnicity? believe it or not, yes, some cultures are still a very patriarch society and do not consider the spouses, particularly wives as part of the "family." They are kind of appendages. You aren't part of the "blood line."

Look at the British Monarchy, for example. If Charles had become king, and was still married to Diana. When he died, succession would go to William, immediately. Diana would be "dethroned" so to speak. They wouldn't wait for her to die, then William steps up.

In some cultures, there is a definite family hierarchy. I know of an Indian family where the family hierarchy went in descending in order, something like this:

Father
Mother
son, then daughter, (but siblings are about the same level above any female spouse)
male spouse
female spouse
their children last

If your MIL comes from a culture/family like that, she really may not be doing anything personal. It might be how she was raised. It you think of it, she probably wasn't considered of much worth in her family and marriage to her parents and in-laws. She was just the lowly appendage on the totem pole. Probably why she is so cold and distant. Sad really when you think about it.


If you do decide to do this for MIL, make sure it's not motivated by the need to finally get the reaction you have been hoping from her. She won't suddenly become warn & fuzzy and acknowledge that you did this for her. She probably wont even mention the present or the effort you put into doing this for her. Make sure you aren't setting yourself up for disappointment in doing this for her.

 

[samshane]

We visit my parents once/year and my mom likes to do a family photo. She gets a big one with all of us (my parents, myself, my sister, both our DHs, and all the kids). She also likes to get one with just her, my dad, myself, and my sister. That is fine with me - though I think it would be strange if she wanted the grandkids and her daughters without the spouses.

She loves doing the photo - and we are happy to do it. Makes her happy.

 

[tinkermom23]

Good point. I am the only DIL left out of a total of 4. (one BIL was married twice, both failed). MIL would NOT want a picture with any of the other 3 DIL's and believe me I know what heartache they caused.

I have given this a lot of thought over the years. And I still don't think it's right. But I use these experiences to remind me what kind of MIL I want to be one day!!

My MIL has asked (and gotten) pictures with "just the family" almost every time we are together. Weddings, summer picnics, graduations... I was so angry when she did it at our wedding but then didn't feel so bad when it happened at every wedding after. These are "Just the Family" pictures that are taken WITHOUT the bride! Just the her, groom (or their child) and siblings, and grandchildren. Honestly, even when we give a photo of our family, she will not put it up. Her living room is filled with pictures of herself, her 5 children, and her grandchildren. (Really no spouses or stepchildren.) I seem to be the only one who is bothered by this.

DH says it's not a big deal, that I need to understand there have been 6 divorces between his 4 siblings, and they are all remarried at the moment. DH & I are the only ones "Without a Big-D under our belts, yet." We've been married 19 years.

Since it is her gift, and we give what the recipient wants, not necessarily what we want, I would set up the photo shoot and get her the family photo she wants. You're not going to change her after all these years.

 

[okeydokey]

The thing is, your husband doesn't sound like he wants to do it, so I would respect his wishes. When she asks why there is no picture, you say "DH didn't want to take it."

 

[Pakey]

I would not be bothered by it at all. Although my husband and I have been married 25 years, we were both married before and thought those relationships were forever.

Now the family photos at weddings include the ex spouses and their current spouses. It's a good thing we all get along.