MIL has moved in with us...problems

[pampam]

She's a lovely 89 year old woman who belches, farts and talks with her mouth full.

DH wants her manners to improve, but I don't feel comfortable correcting her. At her age, I doubt she will change. Whenever she talks with her mouth full I try to let her know I can't understand her, but I don't know how to address the other problems. I don't want DD picking up her bad manners.

Each Friday we go to a potluck at the senior center. After lunch we visit and play cards. I'd like to take MIL but I know she would embarrass me. How do you think I should handle this? She has been here 2 days. It's going to be a looooong winter.

 

[Beachbumpirates]

You are a good soul and there is a special place in heaven for you. A few months back (before we got FT help) I was caring for my inlaws - MIL with bladder cancer and FIL with Alzheimers and colon cancer. I swear I never drank so much in my life! God Bless You.

 

[js]

You are a good soul and there is a special place in heaven for you. A few months back (before we got FT help) I was caring for my inlaws - MIL with bladder cancer and FIL with Alzheimers and colon cancer. I swear I never drank so much in my life! God Bless You.

LOL, your post actually made me laugh out loud

 

[NikitaZee]

Oh, boy. I could write a book on this topic. My 89 year old grandmother moved in with us 5 years ago, and she was the sweetest, most loving grandma anyone could ever hope to have. Shortly afterwards, things started changing. First little things, like talking with her mouth full and food falling out, going to the bathroom with the door open when she thought no one was nearby, coming out from the shower in bra and panties, stuff like that. I tried to keep my comments to ones where modesty were concerned - such as the bathroom door being open, and walking around half-clothed. She got instantly and utterly offended, denied that she did those things, and everything started going downhill from there. Like you OP, my husband had a hard time with these things, and as she was my grandma, I took it upon myself to intervene. Many things we let slip - grandma wanted to help with the dishes, but she left crusty food on them, so I just quietly re-did them. Grandma wanted to vacuum but really didn't do a good job, so I'd say something spilled and re-do it. She caught on, and felt that we were treating her like a child. She ended up moving out after a big argument, and didn't speak to me for over a year - in fact, she died still not having spoken to me. I suspected that she had the early stages of dementia, and her last doctor confirmed that I was right. In retrospect, I would have spoken to my little ones, explained how old people can get, and let a lot more things just go. It was hard for all of us, and I know I did my best, but I could have been more patient when things got really difficult. All the best of luck to you OP

 

[LuvOrlando]

good luck!

when I was a kid we lived with my Grandma. I tend to think belly trouble is just a part of aging. What if you start keeping stuff like gas-x, beano and lactaid on the counter. Just say you have a bellybug and are trying to remind yourself to use it. It's possible that once you introduce it to the situation she might just pick it up herself. I'd at least try this before risking an embarrassing conversation

 

[Tinijocaro]

In retrospect, I would have spoken to my little ones, explained how old people can get, and let a lot more things just go. It was hard for all of us, and I know I did my best, but I could have been more patient when things got really difficult. All the best of luck to you OP

Even though I haven't been in this situation, this is what I was going to say. OP, you said it yourself-you can't change her but you can talk to your daughter. Let her know that people change a lot the older they get and really can't help some of the things they do. She can understand-how old is your dd?

 

[scrapquitler]

She's a lovely 89 year old woman who belches, farts and talks with her mouth full.

DH wants her manners to improve, but I don't feel comfortable correcting her. At her age, I doubt she will change. Whenever she talks with her mouth full I try to let her know I can't understand her, but I don't know how to address the other problems. I don't want DD picking up her bad manners.

Each Friday we go to a potluck at the senior center. After lunch we visit and play cards. I'd like to take MIL but I know she would embarrass me. How do you think I should handle this? She has been here 2 days. It's going to be a looooong winter.

She's 89. She is NOT going to change. I'd suggest you take a week or two off of going to your Friday outing and let DH take her. You go out to lunch with your friends and have a good time. And remember that MIL's behavior does NOT make you look bad. I would think that people at a senior center would have the understanding that maybe she's either a little eccentric or showing some signs of dementia and not hold that against you and your DH. And I guess you have to explain maybe to your DD that sometimes Grandmas get to have a little leeway in their behavior because when you get older, you might sometimes 'forget' your manners a bit but that you still expect her to maintain her manners.

And when the winter is over, DH owes you

 

[Miss Peach]

I don't have any advice for you--but I did want to say that I think you are a very kind person (and a good friend to your DH) to bring your MIL into your home. Not everyone would be so generous.

Keep your spirits up, and remember your friends at the center have elderly parents/in-laws and know how frustrating it can be.

Cathy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agree with PP. You tell your dd that "grandma is different". My kids know our parents are "different". They would never try and model their behavior after them.

As far as the senior center issue that is tough one. I am assuming that you go with your mom?

How about your DH find something to do with his mother as a mother/son thing when you go to the senior center?

Just throwing that out there.

 

[Agri]

I'd take her along if she wants to go - her behavior isn't a reflection on you, its a reflection on her as I'm guessing you don't talk with your mouth full.

My mom was very good at explaining to me why I didn't want to model the bad habits of other people. She'd sit me down and talk to me like an adult. If it was your specific examples, she'd tell me its gross and that I wouldn't want people to feel the same way about me as they do about grandma when she is acting inappropriately. Basically - "Do you like being around x when they do that? (no) So do you think other people would want to be around you when you do the same thing?"

 

[Handbag Lady]

The only thing I would try is peer pressure. Are there any other 89 year-olds at the senior center who she might become friendly with after a few visits?

 

[walden]

Oh dear! Been there and done that! But sympathy.

Yes, talk to DD. Point out that Grandma is 89 and gets to behave in the way she (DD) can't and shouldn't.

Aging does seem to have an effect on the farting sphincter -- my very lady-like mom let gas loose post 85 (and so did her contemporary friends). I liked to think that they couldn't hear themselves.

As far as the senior center is concerned -- just take her. And smile. Ignore the behaviors and respect her for her sweetness and wisdom as though the un-socially-acceptable behaviors are not happening -- which is just good manners. Others will follow YOUR lead and be understanding. They will have many others at the senior center who also behave just like that.


Grandma is 89, after all. Make others respect her as you do too.

 

[hereyago]

It is always amusing to me when people write about older people and people want to assume and go on the they have dementia band wagon.



The MIL could have had these lack of manners always and now that she lives with OP and husband, it is getting on husband's nerves.

89-good luck with having her change.

Now, dementia and Alzheimer's do cause the plaque over the brain that covers the "filter" that people are SUPPOSED to have. BUT: if that person never really had a filter or their behaviors were always there, guess what? dementia didn't cause it, it was there all ready and may be amped up, and it's not pretty.

If a person was a mean cuss from the jump, dementia will only magnify that. Then there are people who had the sweet mom later got dementia, that filter is gone and it's a case of a person that is no longer the sweet mom, like invasion of the body snatchers type thing.

OP, i wish you luck.

 

[bdcp]

It is always amusing to me when people write about older people and people want to assume and go on the they have dementia band wagon.



The MIL could have had these lack of manners always and now that she lives with OP and husband, it is getting on husband's nerves.

89-good luck with having her change.

Now, dementia and Alzheimer's do cause the plaque over the brain that covers the "filter" that people are SUPPOSED to have. BUT: if that person never really had a filter or their behaviors were always there, guess what? dementia didn't cause it, it was there all ready and may be amped up, and it's not pretty.

If a person was a mean cuss from the jump, dementia will only magnify that. Then there are people who had the sweet mom later got dementia, that filter is gone and it's a case of a person that is no longer the sweet mom, like invasion of the body snatchers type thing.

OP, i wish you luck.

I don't think anyone suggested the OP's MIL has dementia. A poster or two mentioned in relation to some behaviors. Older people tend to get more stubborn and forgetful, even if they don't have dementia. It's just part of the aging process for most (not all). The poster who mentioned forgetting, anger,inappropriate behavior-walking around half dressed, etc. definitely had a dementia issue but she was just relating her story.

It can be very difficult to care for someone that age. My grandmother lived with my mother for a year or so before it got too much for her. At the senior center is the last place the op should feel embarassed as there are other seniors there. As for the op's daughter, just talk to her about aging and appropriate behavior and you model it for her.

 

[hereyago]

I don't think anyone suggested the OP's MIL has dementia. A poster or two mentioned in relation to some behaviors. Older people tend to get more stubborn and forgetful, even if they don't have dementia. It's just part of the aging process for most (not all). The poster who mentioned forgetting, anger,inappropriate behavior-walking around half dressed, etc. definitely had a dementia issue but she was just relating her story.

I am just saying that not every person has dementia. Not every old person who is "less then stellar' got that way because they are old, they may have been that all along, and now it's either amped up and the people around them never really had to be around it or new people who weren't around said person the whole time, want to say it is due to old age, and dementia.

 

[hereyago]

I
It can be very difficult to care for someone that age. My grandmother lived with my mother for a year or so before it got too much for her. At the senior center is the last place the op should feel embarassed as there are other seniors there. As for the op's daughter, just talk to her about aging and appropriate behavior and you model it for her.

Yes it is difficult to care for someone that age. the past 7 years now, took care of my DF73 at the time who had cancer. and DM77 who has Parkinsons which will be including dementia, alzheimers. BUT: DM's neurologist explained to me that with her case-after asking me how she was before and hasn't changed-that with dementia and alzehimer's covers that filter, but if someone didn't have much of one, or their bad habits, would amp up later on in life, so dementia can't be blamed for every case of someone behaving bad.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wouldn't worry about the example for your DD. Kids can easily understand not to imitate behaviours if you explain it to them. Just gently tell your daughter that you all love grandma and because she is an adult and you respect her you do not correct her, but you and your DH and DD know the behaviour is not appropriate and will not copy it.

If she has dentures, check to see if they fit snugly. My grandmother has trouble chewing with her mouth closed when hers are lose and often fails to notice that this is happening.

Also, if there was not previously an issue with belching/farting (on visits, etc) consider the possibility that her system is reacting to a new diet at your house and may adjust in a few weeks. In the meantime she may be so embarrassed by it herself that she does not want to call attention to it by even saying excuse me.

Of course, it just might be how she is.

Even under the best of circumstances it must be terribly stressful to have a new, permanent resident in your home. I imagine it will take a few months to settle into a routine and not feel like a constant intrusion. Try to remmeber what a good and loving thing you are doing and give it time

 

[shortbun]

You both have to find a sense of humor really quick. Think of all the great crazy grandma's in sitcoms, etc. Start writing your book, you'll have material everyday.

 

[pampam]

OP here

MIL has lived alone for as good many years. When we are alone, we tend to belch and fart at will. I think these are habits and she likly doesn't even realize she is like that, since she has been doing it all along. She is happy to have company, now. I think she talks with her mouth full, because she has something to say, and might forget what it is if she waits till she swallows. I am the youngest at the senior center. The rest are about her age, but since they are more social, they don't have her bad habits. I think they likley would ignore the farting and belching, since they are nice gentle people but I doubt the interupting to say something with food flying out of her mouth would go over well. Probably nothing would be said, but I doubt she would fit in well with them for that reason. If I continue to socialize her, do you think the bad manners would stop? I don't really like the idea of trying to correct one of my elders.

DD is 39 with Downs Syndrome and all the health problems that go with it. Her manners are good and I hope they remain good. She is well liked by all the seniors and fits in. She looks forward to having lunch with the "ladies", and I would hate to have that taken away because of her gramma's bad manners.

 

[bellebud]

I vote to let your dh take his mom out on Fridays somewhere else (like a pp suggested), and you continue to take your dd to the senior center. YOU need some away time from MIL... and I think your mommy-daughter time is precious and you shouldn't have to worry about MIL during that time. Caring for someone else is exhausting - you NEED that little break. DH can take MIL to a diner, the mall, the park to feed the birds... he (or you) can even take her to the senior center another day - but not during your Fridays with your daughter. Keep a little sliver of time for yourself.

And I love a pp's suggestion to see the humor in all of it - think of the stand-up comedians that have so many stories that are "real" about their relatives - keep that in your mind as things are happening, and maybe it will take a little pressure off.

Good luck - you're an angel