MIL gifts to grandkids

[LynnM]

This happened on Christmas and has been really bugging me, dh thinks it's no big deal. My mil always has given the grandkids clothes for Christmas, which I have no problem with. In the past dh has gotten upset with our kids for the way they acted(disappointed)when they opened the gift expecting a toy. Doesn't every 2-4 year old think every present is a toy? When that happened mil would give me an "I'm sorry I always buy clothes" line. I'd be like -no big deal, the kids will learn sometimes you get clothes. This Christmas, MIL passes out the presents(there are 23 grandkids). All the kids open up the clothes, oldest gd(19) got a bracelet, no problem with that, but the youngest -she gave a toy to. I couldn't believe that she would give 1 out of 23 a toy, and then give it to her in front of all the others. I just bit my tongue-didn't want to start arguements on Christmas, but am I wrong in feeling that she shouldn't have done that?

 

[JAP]

I think it would difficult to give 23 kids a gift and make them all seem equal.

My MIL has this problem every year and every year my DD does not get at least 1 of the same thing as the other 3 granddaughters. So this year MIL bought exactly the same thing for all 4 (1 puzzle 1 crochet kit) and then gave them each $20.00 to spend on whatever they wanted. That worked perfect and no one felt left out.

Since I don't know your MIL or her intentions, I would guess that she just tried her best to make everything even. I would make a suggestion that she give each child the same amount of money or a gift cert next year. That way no one feels slighted.

 

[Kimberle]

I guess I'm lucky, my 4 yo has always loved to get clothes.

I doubt you'll be able to change your MIL at this point. I guess I'd just have a talk with the kiddos before gift giving and remind them that Granny likes to buy them pretty clothes & Santa will take good care of them in the toy department!!

 

[Kallison]

My kids know one grammy gives fabulous gifts - palm pilots, playstation 2, etc. the other grammy gives so-so gifts - sweaters! They are in their teens and preteens now and know what to expect, it is no big deal. They have always favored the first grammy, not because of the gifts but because she comes to their sporting events, has them sleepover, let's them buy junk food at her house, etc. I don't think the gift giving really matters unless she makes a habit of it looking unfair in front of all the other kids.

 

[Tiggeroo]

A gift is a gift. We don't have to like the gift. We should just love that someone cares enough to give something to us. The best thing to do is to teach your kids to show grace all the time when opening a present. If it is possible, without hurting the givers feelings you could always exchange it later. My dh's mother never gave my children anything, this was sad. My grandmother, on a very fixed income, always gave the grandkids $2. in a card. My kids loved this and loved their gr. grandmom. Even a certificate for one sleepover with gm would be nice.

 

[Toad2]

23 grandkids??? And she got something for each of them? Count your blessings and move on......

 

[LynnM]

23 grandkids??? And she got something for each of them? Count your blessings and move on......

I was not complaining about the gifts my children received or the value of the gifts, my only complaint was all the kids receiving gifts at one time and 1 out of the 23 getting a toy. I just don't understand what she was thinking.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My MIL is mentally ill so from the start they know that this grandma is probably going to give them something that they won't like.
In the spirit of giving we are teaching them to show appreciation.

In fact we gave them the lecture right before going over there this year. (Thank goodness!) Now that they are older we can explain it to them & remind them to be thankful.

Right now it is hard for you, as it sounds like the kids are young and MIL's gift giving is already on your not so favorite list.
Been down that road and still going.

 

[swea_pea1]

Lynn,

I know exactly how you feel. My MIL also believes it's her job to dress my kids and Santa's job to bring the toys. That's also the case at Easter, Valentine's Day, etc. etc. etc. It is hard to explain to my DD (4) and DS (2) why they get toys from Memaw and Gramps but not from Gram and Pap. I hear where you're coming from that it's not about the value of the gifts....my MIL and FIL typically spend 3 to 4 times what my parents spend, but it's the disappointment on a kid's face that you really can't put a price on. My parents have 24 grandkids and 2 greats, buy for all of them and it's toys for all the kids under 10 or so.

My opinion is that you can't teach a child that young to hide their disappointment. I make a big deal out of the clothes and hope the kids join in (and sometimes they do) but if they don't, I don't punish them. As they get older, I'll explain it to them.

I agree that your MIL pulled a crappy move by buying one a toy and the others clothes, but you can't change her and it's not worth it. You could always take the clothes back, get the store credit and pick up a toy from your MIL. It's not the same as opening it on Christmas, but it's a little consolation anyway.

 

[RUDisney]

Be happy that there is a cemblance of fairness. My one set of grandparents would give each of their grandchildren $5 for Christmas. That's not a bad thing, as there were 14 of us. What WAS bad is that everyone would get the $5 bill and three of my cousins would be given a sealed envelope that contained $100 and they were told to open it later, when they got home.

I really believe that my grandparents died believing that we never discovered their favoritism.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

LynnM,

I have a suggestion for you. Offer to buy the Christmas gifts for your children for your MIL. I buy all of the gifts for my Mom and MIL because they want the grandchildren to be happy and they aren't up to date on toys or clothing. All of the grandparents are appreciative of their personal shopper!

Lori

 

[Lynn CC]

Atleast she gets them all a gift. My MIL plays favorites if you know what I mean. It's very hurtful to all involved, but I just bite my tounge. You can't change them

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

You're right Lynn CC. I was one of 32 grandchildren on my mother's side and we never got Christmas or Birthday presents. We never expected them either.

Lori

 

[padams]

Lynn- I understand how you feel. I would be annoyed too. I can see my MIL doing the same thing.

 

[trola2]

I understand the disparity in gifts. Of the 7 grandkids in my IL's family....4 are 16 or older and each got $50. our three kids are 3-8. They each got a box of pop tarts and one of those little microwave bowls of ravioli. Oh, and a candy cane from the bank with the bank sticker on it. So...it could be worse. And yes, they do notice, but what can you do?

~~Beth

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My MIL always gives more to my 18 year old niece than my 3 children. My niece lives on the family compound. My husband chose not to live so close to his parents. My MIL babysat her everyday until she went to school and then kept her before and after school. I have learned to live with it throughout the years. I know she is very close with my niece and I understand.

What can you do and still keep harmony in your husband's family? I grew up with parents that were excruciatingly fair to all 3 of us. I couldn't imagine treating my children or grandchildren any differently.

My children do notice the disparity. My MIL is now concerned because my DD7 isn't warm and loving towards her. You see my niece is in college and my MIL "now" wants a relationship with my DD. I have never said anything negative about my ILs to my children. Children just have a keen awareness of what is going on around them.

Buying a toy for 1 child is just wrong.

Lori

 

[Disney Doll]

Part of the problem I have with Christmas is that more and more people are focusing on "what" the gift is, rather than the fact that someone was bought a gift.

Children can be taught manners, even at an early age. Maybe they don't get it the first time around, but they do learn by example, and by repeatedly being told how to receive a gift when they receive one.

Perhaps your MIL wasn't thinking 100% about the impact one grandchild out of 23 getting a toy would cause, but she did buy gifts for 23 grandchildren, didn't she?

 

[aprilgail2]

Personally I would never buy a child of ANY age clothes...I remember as a child having to open up these packages of the ugliest clothes picked out by my relatives and having to act like I liked them (I was taught to lie at an early age by doing that!) and I would never want to do that to another child. I like to give gifts that kids like and if I don't know what they like I give them a gift card to a store I know they like. Giving a toy to one child and clothes tothe rest is just plain wrong. Santa does not bring my 4 year old any clothes for Christmas, I feel that it is my job to clothe my child as an everyday expense, not to wrap them up like they were gifts!

 

[Dreamer04]

My MIL has 26 grandchildren. She gives savings bonds. From the time DD was born, I told her that Nanny is helping to pay for your college education. She got it by the age of 3, thanking Nanny for "doyyege"!

This is our second Christmas without my FIL-PopPop. My DD misses him.

I once asked my mother if she would please stop buying so many toys for my daughter. She tried, but she couldn't help herself. Now, I just go with the flow. I don't know how long my mom and my daughter have together here on earth.

I don't care who gets what.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Give Nate a hug for me, ok?

 

[letfuller]

I, too, feel disparity when it comes to my MIL. She seems to favor and fawn over my SIL's kids. She has even stated to me that if it seems that she is focusing too much on SIL's kids to let me know. To me, that indicates that she is aware of her favoritism and expects me to correct her on that. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me, and my DH seems to not be too concerned. I can't let it continue to bother me. This is my DH's mom, that is his issue and place to speak to his parents. Until he does, I must keep my mouth shut. The focus for us is to let our DDs know they are loved by all, especially us.

The gifts are not the issue, the time we have to spend with loved ones is. I am more pained with the fact that our girls see their grandparents rarely, while SIL and family see them at least once a month, as MIL will fly to visit them, but state she hates to fly and never mentions doing the same to visit us. So, I can relate to the pain of those wanting equity. Love your kids, teach them to love.