MIL Advice

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Hello,
I havent posted here in awhile but I am in need of serious advice. I figured this was the best place to get "grown" up advice.

I am 21 and my fiance is 23. I am currently 5 months pregnant. It was not planned, but we are very excited. We bought a house around the time I got pregnant that needs renovating. We have been living with MIL since we bought our house. MIL never really cared for me, but we are cordial to eachother. I have been having a tough pregnancy and am still working full time so its been rough. Last night I came home and didnt feel well so I went in our bedroom. Alittle while later, my fiance came in and asked if I wanted an orange and I said no. Next thing I know, MIL is screaming about how rude and snobby I am. I never appreciate anything and I never talk to her....all this over me not wanting an orange she offered I guess.

I told my fiance I was just going to drive home to my parents house (about 90 minutes away) last night. I was planning on going home today because he was leaving on a hunting trip for a few days. As we were putting my stuff in my car, she comes stomping down the steps to my car and starts being completely rude. She called me profane names and told me I am rude and snob her all the time. I am not a talker by nature, so there is truth to the fact that I dont always hold conversations with her when I Come home from work. She then proceeded to say I was probably carrying someone elses baby and not her sons. We have been together 3 years and that is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard. I kept saying to her..."You are mad because you think Im rude by not talking to you, but your calling me a witch and telling me I cheated on your son and am pregnant to someone else....wouldnt you consider that rude"?

Like I said, I am fine with her sitting down and telling me she was irritated I dont talk much. But to take it as far as saying she doesnt think I am carrying her sons child is just insane. My fiance is VERY laid back and pretty much hates getting in the middle of anything. He asked her to calm down a few times but didnt say much else. Needless to say, I left and came home last night.

I am unsure where to go from here now though. He is getting back surgery in 2 weeks and wont be able to drive for about 8 weeks. I really dont want to go back to living there, I dont care for the woman and she obviously has pretty strong feelings for me so its not working. I dont know how I can go without seeing my fiance though for 2 months. Since he will be unable to drive, he cant come see me.


Do I just continue to put up with this woman? This is not the first time she has called me names, she has never liked me but I am 5 months pregnant and do not need the stress of this. I feel like I will be stressed out at home though to because I have lived with my fiance for a year and a half and now just being pregnant and not seeing him at all for long periods of time doesnt sound appealing at all. He says its between me and her and he doesnt want in the middle but I keep reminding him that I have NEVER called her a name or said anything rude to her so it is not fair for her to say such horrible things to me. I am just so confused. I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.


Thanks for any advice

 

[VillageMama]

I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[phorsenuf]

Hello,
I havent posted here in awhile but I am in need of serious advice. I figured this was the best place to get "grown" up advice.

I am 21 and my fiance is 23. I am currently 5 months pregnant. It was not planned, but we are very excited. We bought a house around the time I got pregnant that needs renovating. We have been living with MIL since we bought our house. MIL never really cared for me, but we are cordial to eachother. I have been having a tough pregnancy and am still working full time so its been rough. Last night I came home and didnt feel well so I went in our bedroom. Alittle while later, my fiance came in and asked if I wanted an orange and I said no. Next thing I know, MIL is screaming about how rude and snobby I am. I never appreciate anything and I never talk to her....all this over me not wanting an orange she offered I guess.

I told my fiance I was just going to drive home to my parents house (about 90 minutes away) last night. I was planning on going home today because he was leaving on a hunting trip for a few days. As we were putting my stuff in my car, she comes stomping down the steps to my car and starts being completely rude. She called me profane names and told me I am rude and snob her all the time. I am not a talker by nature, so there is truth to the fact that I dont always hold conversations with her when I Come home from work. She then proceeded to say I was probably carrying someone elses baby and not her sons. We have been together 3 years and that is the most ridiculous thing Ive heard. I kept saying to her..."You are mad because you think Im rude by not talking to you, but your calling me a witch and telling me I cheated on your son and am pregnant to someone else....wouldnt you consider that rude"?

Like I said, I am fine with her sitting down and telling me she was irritated I dont talk much. But to take it as far as saying she doesnt think I am carrying her sons child is just insane. My fiance is VERY laid back and pretty much hates getting in the middle of anything. He asked her to calm down a few times but didnt say much else. Needless to say, I left and came home last night.

I am unsure where to go from here now though. He is getting back surgery in 2 weeks and wont be able to drive for about 8 weeks. I really dont want to go back to living there, I dont care for the woman and she obviously has pretty strong feelings for me so its not working. I dont know how I can go without seeing my fiance though for 2 months. Since he will be unable to drive, he cant come see me.


Do I just continue to put up with this woman? This is not the first time she has called me names, she has never liked me but I am 5 months pregnant and do not need the stress of this. I feel like I will be stressed out at home though to because I have lived with my fiance for a year and a half and now just being pregnant and not seeing him at all for long periods of time doesnt sound appealing at all. He says its between me and her and he doesnt want in the middle but I keep reminding him that I have NEVER called her a name or said anything rude to her so it is not fair for her to say such horrible things to me. I am just so confused. I dont want to risk my relationship with my fiance but I also can not stand to be around this woman anymore.


Thanks for any advice

What's the state of the house that is being renovated. Is it something you guys are doing yourself or having someone do. From your post time line you've had that house about 5 months now. Couldn't you just move in there while it's being renovated.

 

[My sister's princess]

When are you and DF getting married? It sounds like a few sessions with a family counselor or pastor might be needed. I agree with the PP that the issue lies deeper in DF not defending you. Are you going to be the person taking care of him after surgery? How would you do so if you are so far away?

 

[BelleWDW]

I agree-even if it means roughing it-move into your house

 

[shirleyb]

I hate to say it since you're already pregnant but your fiance is a boy,not a man. He should never have allowed his mother to treat you that way. That is your real problem.

 

[klynn]

I think you should get your own apartment until your house is done.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Think long and hard about marrying a man who won't stand up for you when you are 5 months pregnant with his child against his mother who is essentially calling you a *****.

 

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

We were going to get married in May, but now that were due in April, it has been put off.

His mother will be taking care of him. I am gone at work from 6-6 everyday and she is unemployed. I do have an issue with him not standing up for me, like I said last night he asked her quite a few times to calm down and go back inside but she doesnt listen. I know he is nervous about upsetting her because right now he does need her. I am not able to stay home from work for weeks to take care of him after surgery. We are waiting for the entire heating system in our house to get fixed so we cannot move in right now. My fiance is renovating it himself so the surgery will put a damper on it for awhile. The soonest I see us moving in is atleast 2 months. We will move in before it is completely finished though.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sweetheart, I'm going to lay it on the line. Your ultimate problem here isn't your future M-i-L or having to live apart from your fiance for a while.

The problem that needs solving first and foremost is your fiance's unwillingness to defend you. I understand not being fond of confrontation. Neither am I.

But if he is going to be a father and a husband, he needs to be willing to be uncomfortable on your behalf. It's time for him to grow up.

I wish you the best of luck.

It's your DFi's problem. Truly it is. He needs to tell his mother that she was highly inappropriate with you. It should come from him. He needs to set the boundaries for you.

Unfortunately she has dealt some major blows to her relationship with you. It probably will set the tone for the rest of your relationship, whether she apologizes or not. The cat is out of the bag. She despises you.

Your DFi should tell his mother to treat you with respect. Even if she doesn't respect you (her problem) he should tell her to fake the heck out of it. He shouldn't put up with it. Not for a minute. Nor should you.

I don't know what the answer is to the living arrangement. You are in a tight spot. I don't think I could live with someone that openly despises me like that. But if it came between me seeing my DFi or not, maybe I could if she could zip it up.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself. You really don't need the stress with this pregnancy.

 

[phorsenuf]

We were going to get married in May, but now that were due in April, it has been put off.

His mother will be taking care of him. I am gone at work from 6-6 everyday and she is unemployed. I do have an issue with him not standing up for me, like I said last night he asked her quite a few times to calm down and go back inside but she doesnt listen. I know he is nervous about upsetting her because right now he does need her. I am not able to stay home from work for weeks to take care of him after surgery. We are waiting for the entire heating system in our house to get fixed so we cannot move in right now. My fiance is renovating it himself so the surgery will put a damper on it for awhile. The soonest I see us moving in is atleast 2 months. We will move in before it is completely finished though.

Sorry, but if he's having back surgery and can't drive for 8 weeks how is he going to renovate a house? I think you need to find someone to get it whipped into shape enough to move in, even if it's not completely done.
Heck I'd just get some space heaters a this point if that's the main issue.

 

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Well that would be great but being that were pregnant and he will be off work for atleast 8 weeks, we cannot afford to have anyone come and do the work. The water lines all need replaced to, and we cannot live there without water so it isnt an option right now.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Seems like a lot of things were done out of order.

It's your boyfriend's problem. He needs to man up and defend you.

As others have stated...it isn't going to get better without his intervention.

 

[phorsenuf]

I would suggest then finding yourselves an apartment. Things aren't just going to get better and will probably get worse after the baby is born if you still have to live here. Been there done that, don't like to talk about it.

 

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

Trust me, I agree he should stand up to his mother more. I dont think it is him not wanting to defend me, I think he just doesnt want to deal with his mother being more aggressive and ridiculous. He wont stand up to her when it comes to anything, not just me.

Like I said, I agree he should...but I do not agree that is worth me leaving him when I am pregnant with our child. If we were just dating, maybe. We are bringing a life into this world though and I dont think it is reasonable to spilt my daughters family up before she is even born based on this.

I dont know how to deal with her though. He agrees 100 percent that she takes it to far and I have made it clear I have NEVER treated her like that, while I may not be super nice, I dont call her names or say anything mean spirited to her.

When I said something to him about her saying it wasnt his baby, he said he knew she didnt mean that, she just couldnt think of anything else to get me upset and by reacting I gave her what she wanted, thats why he thought it was best to act like the comment never left her mouth.

 

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

What makes it so hard is he is SUCH a good guy. Has dinner ready everday when I get home, does all the laundry etc, since Ive been pregnant. Basically, does anything and everything he can. I keep telling my parents, it would be easier if he were the jerk. I feel so crappy about the situation though because he is such a good guy and I dont want to go through my pregnancy without him living at home.

The living situation does stink for right now. He will have no income while recovering and I cannot afford all the bills at an apartment right now. So my choice is pretty much my parents house or his MIL's house atleast until the new year and he returns to work.

 

[clovergirl5]

Do you have any other relatives or friends that you might be able to stay with? How bout a camper to stay in at the mil house.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. I had similar issues with my mil when dh and I were dating years ago. Nobody was good enough for her ds. I even got "dh doesn't wanna be TIED down with kids". Um no, you don't want him to be tied down with kids. It went around in a circle like this for a long time. We never really did get along, just tolerated each other.

Unfortunately, you might have to suck it up and play nicey until you guys can move out. Do you have any issues with her? You never specified that. Or the whole thing is she has issues with you and thinks you are the problem?

 

[VillageMama]

I can sense your frustrations and sympathize for the stress that you are under. But this is what can happen when you behave as if you are married before you are ready to be married. There are going to be no good solutions. Some solutions will be less bad than others.

Everyone involved here has made some significantly bad decisions and now you're seeing the repercussions. Life is hard enough when you're financially stable, married, independent and expecting a child. You two have made it even harder by being financially unstable, unmarried, dependent on his mother and expecting a child.

That doesn't mean that things can't turn out well, of course. I hope and pray that it does. My own hubby had issues with defending me to his mother, but he learned and took risks and became the man I need him to be.

You and your fiance might well be able to make your relationship and your new family be highly successful. But it's going to take a lot of work and a great deal of compromise on both your parts.

That's why I wish you the best of luck.

 

[DMickey28]

1. You need to talk with DFi, sit down and talk, about him standing up to his mother on your behalf. What does he say when you do that? You said he asked her to calm down, that's fine but that's not standing up to her for you. Standing up is getting angry and telling her that what she said is inappropriate, PERIOD, and that you are the woman he loves and she needs to treat you with respect. By insinuating that your baby is not his is also disrepecting him.

2. Can he stay at your parents house while he recovers?

3. I understand about the money, being pregnant and being in a tight spot. We also just bought a house and I am due in March with our 2nd boy. It's a tough place to be ... Is this a reasonable woman at all? Is it possible for you to sit down and talk with her? If it was between seeing DFi and caring for him after the surgery or not, I'd choke it down and stay at her house to care for him. I'd say yes to the orange and I would smile every chance I got. I'd come from work, ask how her day was and how DFi was, I'd make the effort to communicate more with her. I know I was very very shy when I was younger and I often came across very snobby and as though I thought I was better than others. I never ever meant that to be the case but looking back I can see how it would be taken that way.

Part of being an adult and dealing with MIL's, especially now that a child will be involved, is going out of your way to make peace on your end. I bet that with a little conversation, a little giving on your part you'll see a change in her.

Just a few examples from my world ... I HATE shoes. I HATE shoe shopping. One of the things my MIL LOVES is that we are the same shoe size and that she now has a daughter to share those things with. (She has three boys.) I would rather poke my eyes out with a toothpick then go shopping with this women but I do it on a fairly regular basis because she enjoys it so much. She enjoys sharing that with "her daughter". I make large efforts to talk with her because, like you I am quiet by nature, and it makes all the difference in the world.

You need to figure out the DFi standing up for you more and putting you above all esle but I know you are in a tough spot right now.

Good Luck. Congrats on the baby ... do you know the gender yet?

 

[XxDisneyMagicXx]

and that is the issue. I am shy and not a talker. I KNOW I do often walk in the house and sometimes dont even say hi. I agree this is not okay and she can talk to me about it, my issue is that whenever she gets mad at ANYONE. she is downright hateful. There was no reason for her to go as far as saying I am carrying someone elses baby. I dont like her, and that is some of the reason I dont talk to her. I know that is my issue and I need to work on it. I just cant stand the fact that when she gets mad, she acts so ridiculous. She does this with my fiance also, telling him he never loved her, etc etc. She just cannot control herself when she gets mad.

When I talk to him about standing up for me, he legit asks me what I want him to do. He does ask her to please stop or calm down or walk away but she ignores him. Sure he could start screaming at her and caling her names, but that will do nothing but cause her to take it farther. I dont know what I want him to do. We are able finanically to support a baby, but since we are paying a mortage already on the house we are renovating, no we are not able to also rent an apartment. Unfourtently we bought the house, a month before I got pregnant which was unexpected. We cannot change that now, and the house needs renovating before we can move in. We gave up our apartment when we bought the house to save money and are staying with her. We ran into alot of issues we didnt know about, like the heating system being completely ruined and underground water lines being busted that has put our renovations on a much longer time limit.