Middle school absences for illness WWYD? (sorry, long)

[mrsbornkuntry]

My 12yo DS has missed alot of school this year, 6th grade, and he's getting some "attitude" from one of his teachers for it and I'm not sure how to handle it because he's still going to miss more. At the beginning of the year his eardrum burst twice, we found out each time when it became infected (fever, then trip to the dr.). Now he's seeing an ENT where they've identified a problem and he's eventually going to need surgery for it and for now he needs follow up appointments and a CT scan. On top of this is the flu and viruses, he had two 24 hour vomiting stomach bugs and a trip to the ER with chest pain (turned out to be musculoskeletal (sp?)). His teachers are aware of all of this, especially his ears, because he also has 50% hearing loss in one of his ears.

I'm aware that he's missing alot of school and I keep on top of him about doing his make-up work and whenever possible I have his sister pick up his homework. I have sent in dr.'s notes when he goes. The teacher called and talked to DH the day after he went to the ER and said he wasn't doing well at turning in his homework. DH told him we were working on it. And I do what I can, but he's 12, not in elementary school where they tell Mom and Dad what the homework is every night. What also bugs me is that his grades on his tests are straight A's in the gifted program, he would have all A's on his report card if his homework was all turned in. He has a 97% in dance class that is almost completely a participation grade . I feel the homework is not that important, but I don't tell him that and push him (nag) to keep up with it and look over his shoulder to see what's due and how his grades are.

I could pull DS out and homeschool him the rest of the year until the ear thing is resolved. I have done this before, but I homeschooled all 5 of the kids and wouldn't want to do that right now which would cause some resentment with the other kids, at least two of them would love to be homeschooled again. He wants to be homeschooled, but I'm also afraid he would miss his friends horribly because we live in a rural area near none of them. I will be honest though and say that I'm a huge homeschool supporter, but my DH and his family (that live near us) are not. And I would still need to check out the homeschool laws for NC.

The teacher giving him a hard time isn't saying anything outright to him, but he is sensitive and he says when she talks to him she always uses an angry voice and she makes comments to the class about him when he's absent like "child's name? *sigh* absent again". (his friends tell him) He's not used to being treated that way by teachers at all, he's well-behaved and a good student and it's upsetting him. Who knows, maybe the stress is causing some of his illnesses. What would she have me do, send him to school vomiting??

I'm also afraid of him being held back. He's already a grade behind where he should be because of his birthday in Sept. and school is really easy for him, if he were held back he would totally quit trying.

Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice?

 

[seashoreCM]

Have you gone in and talke to the teacher one on one?

You need to find out what kinds of misunderstandings are going on.

Now if your kid has indeed missed work, then he is "behind" and will have to catch up. Loss of many school days to illness may necessitate repeating courses or repeating a grade. One thing you can explore (very novel) is to drop a course and concentrate on the rest of the subjects. The missing course would be made up next summer or next year.

Come next September your kid should have the alternative of demonstrating proficiency perhaps through the use of standardized tests which may permit him to be placed at an appropriate level as if he just moved into town and transferred in, the results of the prior year notwithstanding.

For a medium range solution, can your kid be moved to a different class?

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I haven't talked to her yet, but progress reports (not reports cards, just a mid quarter report) come home tomorrow so I'm going to send a note asking for one when I sign that.

Moving to another class might be a good solution if the meeting doesn't go well.

 

[Mkrop]

Personally I would talk to the teacher and explain that you are trying to get him to make up the work. But I am also a stickler about homework. To me, if homework is part of the grade then it needs to be completed, just like a project or a book report. I would be nagging my kid about homework. Does you school post homework online? Ours does so if I ever though my son was not completing independently I would be on there every day making sure he does. Currently I just spot check.

Good luck I hope he feels better soon

 

[jodifla]

Teacher is being a jerk. You need to talk to the teacher, and if that doesn't work, then talk to the principal, and on up the line.

 

[mickeymaker2003]

I think I would have a chat with the principal and this teacher together and share your concerns. If the teacher is exhibiting a negative attitude towards your son regarding absenses for medical reasons, that is a problem that needs to be addressed. It is unprofessional of the teacher to be making comments regarding his attendance to other students. In my opinion (I used to be a Special Education teacher), the only acceptable comments regarding his frequent absenses would be of the "I hope he's feeling better soon" variety.

If that doesn't work, I would pull him for the remainder of the year and homeschool him. If siblings are upset with that, I would explain that you are homeschooling because DS missed so much school due to medical issues and that he will be returning to school in the fall. I would not pull the other children to homeschool them as a "while I'm at it", since by now they have probably settled into their new classrooms and it would be unecessarily disruptive to remove them from their classes just to send them back next year.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Personally I would talk to the teacher and explain that you are trying to get him to make up the work. But I am also a stickler about homework. To me, if homework is part of the grade then it needs to be completed, just like a project or a book report. I would be nagging my kid about homework. Does you school post homework online? Ours does so if I ever though my son was not completing independently I would be on there every day making sure he does. Currently I just spot check.

Good luck I hope he feels better soon

I do agree that it's part of the grade so it needs to be completed, but I'm irritated that it is that much of a part of the grade when so much of it is just busy work. That's not really the issue here, I'm just venting about that because DS also feels that way and I can't agree with him out loud or he'll take it as an excuse not to do it.

The teachers all have a personal website for their classes. All of the websites for DS's classes say "under construction", actually it's that way for all of my kids' teachers so I don't think it's considered very important in this district. I sure wish they did, that would make it easier for me to keep on top of him.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I think I would have a chat with the principal and this teacher together and share your concerns. If the teacher is exhibiting a negative attitude towards your son regarding absenses for medical reasons, that is a problem that needs to be addressed. It is unprofessional of the teacher to be making comments regarding his attendance to other students. In my opinion (I used to be a Special Education teacher), the only acceptable comments regarding his frequent absenses would be of the "I hope he's feeling better soon" variety.

If that doesn't work, I would pull him for the remainder of the year and homeschool him. If siblings are upset with that, I would explain that you are homeschooling because DS missed so much school due to medical issues and that he will be returning to school in the fall. I would not pull the other children to homeschool them as a "while I'm at it", since by now they have probably settled into their new classrooms and it would be unecessarily disruptive to remove them from their classes just to send them back next year.

He has yet to hear that from her, she's his homeroom, language arts and I think social studies teacher. His math/science teacher has been much more understanding.

I agree with not pulling his siblings out, I don't think I should either.

 

[mommytoe]

I would try to work with the school before homeschooling since you are worried about him missing his friends.

I had to say that so nobody will think I am telling you to homeschool. I homeschool in NC. Started homeschooling due to problems with my ds' teacher and just kept at it.

Homeschooling in NC is easy. http://nche.com/how_to/nc_homeschooling_law

Basically to homeschool here you just notify the department of non-public education and your ds would need to take a standardized test each year.

 

[Mkrop]

I do agree that it's part of the grade so it needs to be completed, but I'm irritated that it is that much of a part of the grade when so much of it is just busy work. That's not really the issue here, I'm just venting about that because DS also feels that way and I can't agree with him out loud or he'll take it as an excuse not to do it.

The teachers all have a personal website for their classes. All of the websites for DS's classes say "under construction", actually it's that way for all of my kids' teachers so I don't think it's considered very important in this district. I sure wish they did, that would make it easier for me to keep on top of him.

But the teacher as a professional does not see it as busy work, so is aggravated about him not completing it. In the future, jobs have busy work too, it is part of life.

Sick or not there would be consqences about the homework not being completed.

I would talk to her in person and hear her side of the story, and then if you still feel she is not a good fit for your child and is being incredibly harsh regarding the abscenses then I would go to the principal.

I am not condoning her comments (if she is really making them) but not doing homework around here, I dont care what it is is a big no no.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I appreciate everyone's responses so far. I am very stressed with sick children this fall (my 5yo is catching every bug in kindergarten ) and this teacher is bringing out my inner mama bear so I want to be reasonable when I talk to her. I know I'm only hearing half of the story, but her obvious concern is for his homework, not his health since she also didn't ask about it when she talked to DH on the phone.

 

[MSSANDRA]

NC mom here so know a little about the attendence laws. They can only miss 20 days per year and still pass the grade unless there is an appeal and an exception is made. That often happens if the grades are good. You need to be taking with the guidance person at your school. They have all kinds of things they can do to help your son out as long as you are willing to work with them. You may consider homebound during his surgery and recovery.

homeschool laws in NC are pretty relaxed so if that works for your family it may work.

middle school is all about homework. Just a fact and one you have to accept if your child attends public school. Most are stict an it can make or break even the best student.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

But the teacher as a professional does not see it as busy work, so is aggravated about him not completing it. In the future, jobs have busy work too, it is part of life.

Sick or not there would be consqences about the homework not being completed.

I would talk to her in person and hear her side of the story, and then if you still feel she is not a good fit for your child and is being incredibly harsh regarding the abscenses then I would go to the principal.

I am not condoning her comments (if she is really making them) but not doing homework around here, I dont care what it is is a big no no.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have given my opinons about homework, it's clouding the issue. I don't think she's wrong to expect him to do the homework. I want him to do the homework as well, but I don't know what more she expects from me. I'm going to see on his progress report exactly how many assignments he has not turned in and he will have consequences depending what it says (it's a printout of all of his assignments and his grade for each one). I have no way to know what she has assigned other than what DS tells me or brings home (I do check his backpack/binder). I truely am taking that issue seriously and DS knows it.

 

[MiniGirl]

Okay.... I'm putting on my flame suit, but here goes......

You said he would have all A's if they went only by his test scores. What percentage of his grade is homework? What kind of grade would he get if he didn't do any of it yet continued to ace the tests? What grade would he get if he only turned in half of it and then continued to ace the tests?

I do know that grades and homework are important. However, if he can still pass his classes, does it really matter for this one year? If he gets B's or even C's in 6th grade, I don't think it'll keep him from getting into the college of his choice or anything like that. I'm not saying give him a complete pass and not make him do any of it. Have him do what he can, but don't "nag" or pester him. Give him time to heal and give him time to have some fun. it sounds like he could sure use some of that right now.

If he were having trouble or was struggling with the material or was in high school or something like that, I would probably feel differently.

ETA: I wanted to clarify that I am talking only about assignments he missed while he was out. Those he is getting while in school should most definitely be completed.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

NC mom here so know a little about the attendence laws. They can only miss 20 days per year and still pass the grade unless there is an appeal and an exception is made. That often happens if the grades are good. You need to be taking with the guidance person at your school. They have all kinds of things they can do to help your son out as long as you are willing to work with them. You may consider homebound during his surgery and recovery.

homeschool laws in NC are pretty relaxed so if that works for your family it may work.

middle school is all about homework. Just a fact and one you have to accept if your child attends public school. Most are stict an it can make or break even the best student.

It sounds like I'd better talk to his guidance counselor then, he missed 7 days in the first quarter, I'm sure he's close to 10 this quarter.

DS is not my first middle schooler, I have a 13 year old in 8th grade as well. I do understand that homework is important and I see his teacher's point of view, my frustration is I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do about it. I talked to him, set consequences. This is really stressing me.

 

[Mkrop]

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have given my opinons about homework, it's clouding the issue. I don't think she's wrong to expect him to do the homework. I want him to do the homework as well, but I don't know what more she expects from me. I'm going to see on his progress report exactly how many assignments he has not turned in and he will have consequences depending what it says (it's a printout of all of his assignments and his grade for each one). I have no way to know what she has assigned other than what DS tells me or brings home (I do check his backpack/binder). I truely am taking that issue seriously and DS knows it.

But I am wondering if the teacher is all in a tizzy about the homework and using his not being in school against him instead of the real reason, the incomplete homework. I am not trying to cloud the issue either Really I am trying to help. I am wondering if he had all his work turned in and completed if she would even care that he was not physically there.

Unfornately there are people in this world who are not sympathetic in the least when someone is ill. We have all probably had a few bosses over the years who didnt care how sick we were, just that the job got done. She may fall into that category. If my DS was in this situation, I could see some of his teachers being understanding and some being total witches.

I know it is hard bc really all you want to do is concentrate on his health and now you have these school issues thrown in on top. Lot on your plate mom!

 

[seashoreCM]

I do agree that if the teacher is being a jerk then your kid should be separated from the teacher, all other things becoming secondary.

But this does not solve the problem of your kid's lagging behind the rest of the graduating class by whatever say 45 days. It is not easy for any teacher to keep the ongoing course material relevant to a few kids who lag behind for long periods of time. So a common resolution is to put those kids in a holding pattern (for example a remedial section) and resync them the next year aka repeating the course or the grade.

For the parent who is able to home-school. a kid might be brought/caught up to speed outside the regular classroom and returned to the regular classroom at an opportune moment.

 

[Cupcake2008]

I would definitely try talking with the teacher. She may not understand the medical reasons for his absences, and will most likely be more reasonable if you approach her as a concerned parent who is supportive and willing to help with the missed assignments. If the online progress system is unavailable for you to check, try asking the teachers to send you paper copies on a weekly basis. The teachers that I work with get extremely excited when parents are supportive. Some are thrilled when parents ask what they can do and will send emails when things are missing or a concern comes up. When children are physically unable to do all of the work, some teachers are willing to shorten the assignments (maybe only requiring them to do even or odd numbered problems). Hopefully, his teacher is reasonable and willing to do whatever it takes to help. Unfortunately, there are some teachers that are less accommodating. Try working with her first.

I wouldn't take him out of school without trying to resolve things with the teacher and then the administration if she is unreasonable. Your son is going to have many teachers throughout his education, and then supervisors and co-workers in his work life, who he may not always clique with. He will have to learn to navigate these roadblocks. That's not always easy for a sensitive child, but it's a life lesson that will serve him well.

From the teacher's perspective, homework is not just about practicing the skill. It's about teaching kids responsibility. It sounds like your son has a pretty good handle on the content, but sometimes teachers are also concerned about the homework process because they are trying to teach responsibility, organization skills, and independence. It may be starting early, but Middle school teachers sometimes have the mind-set that they are preparing kids for high school, and ultimately college, where the professors will not care if they do not show up to class or turn in assignments.

Hope your son has a healthier new year and good luck!

 

[Ceila]

As you said yourself, you are only getting half of the story. I'd also point out that even the half you are getting is partially second-hand. Trying to rely on what your son's friends said that the teacher said is not a good indicator of her real disposition or concerns. Until you speak with her personally you really don't know what the real story is. She may be worried that he isn't going to be able to keep up, and that concern is being interpreted by the kids as something else. Talk to her.

As for the homework, he should be completing his assignments. It doesn't matter if you or he feels it is unimportant. It's part of his grade and therefore needs to be completed. If he doesn't, then there will be consequences (such as lower grades).

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I would try to work with the school before homeschooling since you are worried about him missing his friends.

I had to say that so nobody will think I am telling you to homeschool. I homeschool in NC. Started homeschooling due to problems with my ds' teacher and just kept at it.

Homeschooling in NC is easy. http://nche.com/how_to/nc_homeschooling_law

Basically to homeschool here you just notify the department of non-public education and your ds would need to take a standardized test each year.

Thank-you for the link.

I would definitely try talking with the teacher. She may not understand the medical reasons for his absences, and will most likely be more reasonable if you approach her as a concerned parent who is supportive and willing to help with the missed assignments. If the online progress system is unavailable for you to check, try asking the teachers to send you paper copies on a weekly basis. The teachers that I work with get extremely excited when parents are supportive. Some are thrilled when parents ask what they can do and will send emails when things are missing or a concern comes up. When children are physically unable to do all of the work, some teachers are willing to shorten the assignments (maybe only requiring them to do even or odd numbered problems). Hopefully, his teacher is reasonable and willing to do whatever it takes to help. Unfortunately, there are some teachers that are less accommodating. Try working with her first.

I wouldn't take him out of school without trying to resolve things with the teacher and then the administration if she is unreasonable. Your son is going to have many teachers throughout his education, and then supervisors and co-workers in his work life, who he may not always clique with. He will have to learn to navigate these roadblocks. That's not always easy for a sensitive child, but it's a life lesson that will serve him well.
From the teacher's perspective, homework is not just about practicing the skill. It's about teaching kids responsibility. It sounds like your son has a pretty good handle on the content, but sometimes teachers are also concerned about the homework process because they are trying to teach responsibility, organization skills, and independence. It may be starting early, but Middle school teachers sometimes have the mind-set that they are preparing kids for high school, and ultimately college, where the professors will not care if they do not show up to class or turn in assignments.

Hope your son has a healthier new year and good luck!

(bolding mine) That's funny, I said almost the exact thing I bolded to my DS this afternoon when he was begging me to homeschool him.

As you said yourself, you are only getting half of the story. I'd also point out that even the half you are getting is partially second-hand. Trying to rely on what your son's friends said that the teacher said is not a good indicator of her real disposition or concerns. Until you speak with her personally you really don't know what the real story is. She may be worried that he isn't going to be able to keep up, and that concern is being interpreted by the kids as something else. Talk to her.

As for the homework, he should be completing his assignments. It doesn't matter if you or he feels it is unimportant. It's part of his grade and therefore needs to be completed. If he doesn't, then there will be consequences (such as lower grades).

(caps for emphasis, not yelling) I UNDERSTAND HOMEWORK NEEDS TO BE DONE REGARDLESS. As I have said a couple times already, DS and I have discussed consequences for homework not being completed. What my question regarding homework is, how in the world am I as a parent supposed to keep on top of my DS's homework when I don't even know what his assignments are? How is he going to learn responsibility for his work if his teacher tells me his assignments like a 1st grader and I stand over him telling him to do it? I think he needs to feel the consequences of seeing his grades falling and be punished for it to understand, but I honestly don't think it's going to help in this class. He doesn't respect the teacher, doesn't care what she thinks of his work or his grades because he feels she is hateful towards him.