Metaphors from High School Essays

[dwbakerjr]

Yup...

A guy at the University of Texas compiled some of these beauties from REAL essays turned in, in the Lone Star State the last few years.

ahem........

Her vocabulary was as bad as like, whatever.

He was exactly the same height as a six foot three inch tree.

He was so in love, when she spoke he heard sounds like a garbage truck makes when it backs up.

The boat drifted slowly across the lake, just the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


...its actually a rather long list.

 

[Maleficent13]

o...m...g...these were hysterical. Do you have the link to the whole list?

 

[aunt kelly]

I would hate to go back and read any of my high school papers. Actually, I'm not sure I write any better twenty-five years' later!

 

[dwbakerjr]

o...m...g...these were hysterical. Do you have the link to the whole list?

Here's some of them....




Analogies & Metaphors in High School Essays



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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

[dwbakerjr]

ten more.........




11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

[JESW]

My favorites are #11 & #14

Jill

 

[cindercopper]

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

These are my favorites.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

I believe this one is supposed to be a take on a line from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

But the others...

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

These two are my favorite!

 

[Daxx]

My favorites are #11 & #14

Funny, those are my favorites, too!!!!

 

[dwbakerjr]

A couple of more...




21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


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I'm sure the list is extensive, but I'm afraid I cant find any others just now...


or, as some of these guys would say...

"the list ended, sort of like when a book ends and there aren't any more pages"

 

[MrVisible]

You know, some of these are actually pretty brilliant. I'm sure that they were originally intended as being humorous. I mean, seriously, this is smart writing:

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Self-referential, unambiguous, and concise. It's like a quick gestural sketch of a character; after reading this, you know just what kind of a girl she is.

This one seems like it's taken out of context. Perhaps as part of a satirical short story about the futility of algebra word problems, it would work wonders:

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

And this one's just delightful:

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The rest of them, though... phew.

 

[Sandy51]

I love these-especially #11


Sandy

 

[missypie]

I just love them. Are these from high school TAKS writing tests?

I will say something serious, though. All three of my kids are in English classes for the gifted/talented. Most projects/papers are graded according to a "matrix" - you know, 5 points for spelling and 5 for punctuation and 5 for the title page, etc. They turn in these papers where I think the writing is seriously lacking. I'm expecting to see red marks all over the paper. Then they get them back and they have between a 95 to a 100,with no corrections at all to the writing! WHEN IS SOME TEACHER GOING TO TEACH MY KIDS TO WRITE???? For me it was my Shakespeare teacher in 12th grade...until I had her, I only thought I was a good writer. She made us all good writers, but it was tough!