Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[busyshrew]

I expect the dil to have as much thought and consideration for us as she does for her own family. I don't really think that is too much to ask

Actually, I'd say given the age of your DIL it is asking a lot. SHE'S TWENTY-ONE. Isn't that barely drinking age in some states? Your DS married a very young woman (the phrase "girl-bride" pops into my mind) and I am not at all surprised that she puts her family above her husband's. In my mind, a 21-year old isn't really completely out of the nest, so to speak. Of course she'd want to see her own parents more than you!

At that age, I was the same. Young, giddy, selfish, immature, everything was fun and everything was drama... it was my "me me me" time of life and I LOVED IT. Sheesh, I *cringe* when I think now about the clothes I wore and the guys I dated.... And I freely admit, although I *thought* I was "all growed up", I still needed to run back to my mom and dad on plenty of occasions.

So I agree with some PPs about adjusting your expectations for your DIL - but on the basis of her age more than anything else.

 

[luvmy3]

That's ridiculous. People have a right to their emotions. My kids are teenagers, but as the adult child of elderly parents, you never stop loving them or being their parent. If my children choose not to spend time with me when they are adults I can't imagine being "content" with it. I don't expect them to be in my back pocket all the time but I will expect to spend time with them on occasion.

The OP had a very good relationship with her ex DIL, so it sounds like they are all, ( OP's son included) finding their way and figuring out the relationship dynamics with the new marriage.

My niece, though considerably older than the OP's DIL, thinks she is the only relevant person in her marriage, too, and treats her DH horribly, and his family even worse. Maybe with one marriage behind him, the OP's son is being more compromising than he should be with the new wife and because she is young and immature she doesn't recognize it as compromise, but rather feels it is no less than what she is entitled to. I hope he finds his backbone soon, and that they wait until she grows up before they start a family.

Whats ridiculous is blaming the DIL (as in she thinks the MIL is only entitled to crumbs) because there is still the DS involved and if allows his wife to only give his mother the crumbs then he is as much to blame. It doesn't matter why, if he knows his wife his treating his mother in a way that he knows it hurts her (and him) and he does nothing about it, the strained relationship that will come about because of it, is just as much his fault.
I feel sorry for the OP, I don't get the impression she is some evil MIL, I think she just wants to be able to spend time with her ds, and his wife without the stress its causing everyone. I'm not excusing the wife, however, I don't believe that the whole thing can be blamed on her, the son is an adult and if he can't explain to his wife that he wants to spend more time with his family etc, the he is the one allowing it to continue like this. By reaching out to the DIL (the letter) the OP is the only one willing to try to make this better and I think its a great first step, but I also think its sad that her ds hasn't stepped up and laid down some ground rules with his spoiled young wife.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess that is what I don't understand. You DID spend time with them. They did come see you?

It just wasn't enough or equal to what they spent with her family.

I just don't know why this is all on her. That is where I actually have the issue.

Amen!!!!

This one deserves an 'applause' icon!

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that if you have a quota in mind for family face-time, you had better be prepared to state in so many words just how much you would like and when -- and be prepared to hear that it's not workable, especially if you are retired and/or an early bird.

Example 1: DH and I work 55 hours a week on average. We don't get home from work until nearly 7 pm, and we frequently need to go over files at home at night. We cannot come over for dinner at 4 pm on a week night -- don't ask. If you're not prepared to wait dinner until after 7 then it won't work.

Example 2: Going "home" is either a 12-hour drive or a 2-leg flight. Don't pout when we cannot manage to visit on a holiday, because we cannot get enough time off to drive, and the flight will cost $3K for the four of us. Graciously accept that we'll have to come on an alternate week when we can get the time &/or afford the airfare.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP: I did not read the whole thread but want to say that not all dil are like yours apparently.
I LOVE my MIL, who is a great part of our lives........I only wish my dear FIL were still here to enjoy it all with us!


Meanwhile, there is always two sides to every story and you sounded rather angry and hurt ...so hope it works out for ALL of you.............

 

[davidsprincess]

Go visit and take DDIL out for a mani/pedi just the TWO of you. This way she can get to know you on her own and she can have her own relationship with you apart from DH.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I did not see this kind of thing here. I saw a Mom who really wanted to spend time with her family, not a gorilla trying to top a DDIL.

Ohhhh good GRiEF!!!

Nowhere, ever, did I ever make any statement or insinuation that the OP was a Gorilla....

Where do people come up with this stuff!??????

YES, it is obvious to me that if she indeed saw her son for their family gathering, and starting even before the gathering, she is on a public chat board flaming her DIL and is now still upset because his visit wasn't 'enough' to satisfy her expectations... then, I would suggest that she adjust her expectations, based on the current reality.

Yes, she is indeed counting-hours and setting up a competitive situation regarding her DIL.

Yes, very clearly she is judging her DIL. (verbally or not - doesn't matter)

And, yes, she needs to realize that her son is the one responsible for their mother-son relationship... not the DIL.

Also, if she can make the 'goes both ways' statement.. I will go even further to say that this is not true, at all. My husband made marriage vows to me, and to me alone. We are one. If my marriage depended on whether my inlaws liked me then, obviously, I wouldn't have a marriage.

I am not posting here as a young bride...
Been married 20 years...
Have dealt with these inlaw issues the whole time.
I have dealt with the 'cut the cord' issues between a son and his parents as well.
I have an only son, and no way, ever, will I ever be this way with him or his wife.

 

[Wishing on a star]

oops - double posts! ??????

 

[okeydokey]

OP, how many days were they in town. If they were around for a few days and only saw me 3 hours and spent the rest of time with the DIL family, I would be upset too. It is up to your son to put his foot down though. He is an adult and needs to take that responsibility.

 

[Momvic5]

Actually, I'd say given the age of your DIL it is asking a lot. SHE'S TWENTY-ONE. Isn't that barely drinking age in some states? Your DS married a very young woman (the phrase "girl-bride" pops into my mind) and I am not at all surprised that she puts her family above her husband's. In my mind, a 21-year old isn't really completely out of the nest, so to speak. Of course she'd want to see her own parents more than you!

At that age, I was the same. Young, giddy, selfish, immature, everything was fun and everything was drama... it was my "me me me" time of life and I LOVED IT. Sheesh, I *cringe* when I think now about the clothes I wore and the guys I dated.... And I freely admit, although I *thought* I was "all growed up", I still needed to run back to my mom and dad on plenty of occasions.

So I agree with some PPs about adjusting your expectations for your DIL - but on the basis of her age more than anything else.

I agree, and I will admit to being the same way. I was an immature, selfish, young bride at one time too. We visited my family way more than we ever visited my husband's. I look back and I am ashamed -talk about not cutting the cord. However, time and experience has changed me. I now realize that my relationship is only improved with my dh when I make him feel like his family is important too. My mom always said your spouse should come first. She was right...if I would have put my spouse first more often in our early years, I would have made more of an effort to value and honor his family too.

OP...give your DIL some time.....I think that if you gently continue to try to build a relationship with her, she will eventually come around.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess that is what I don't understand. You DID spend time with them. They did come see you? It just wasn't enough or equal to what they spent with her family.

I just don't know why this is all on her. That is where I actually have the issue. I don't know why the DIL should be 'in charge' of seeing that their husbands spend time with their mothers.

I also don't get why you can't go see them when he is home? Are they are her parents every time he is home? Go to them!

We have tried to plan a time to go see them and still hope to do so. Trying to plan it around Dh's time on the road and my work plus ds being home makes it hard to plan. They have two weeks each month that they can travel with no reason to rush home, the rest of the family does not have that and it makes it a bit harder. Even they know that and have said so.

If, from the time this weekend was planned, I knew that they would only be here a little bit there would not have been an issue. That was not the case. I asked HER (not him--he wasn't home) when they were coming so that dh could make sure he was home and was told a date. That is the date we planned by. By her words, we planned for them to stay with my mom overnight and spend the next day and night with all of us, then leave the next morning. Less than a week before their arrival I am told that it has to be a different date. DH had already taken the time off (which causes us to have a reduced paycheck two weeks to ensure that he is off) and we had made other plans for the day she wanted it changed to (we had other family obligations). I am told "ok, well we will come the day you want but we won't be able to stay long". Which is her MO--she manipulates by saying "ok, we will give you your way but we can't do xxxx then".

She knows that we have to plan ahead for dh to even be here when they visit and she still does this. He tells me their plans, he goes to work, then either I talk to her or he comes home and she has changed every thing.

One weekend they were coming home for a wedding. The only time we would see them was the night they arrived. That was fine and I just more or less figured I would be there when they arrived to say hello and give a hug. I asked them if they wanted me to have supper cooked when they got to my mom's. "Yes, yes. We will be starved. That will be great" But on the way she had to make a stop at a friend's mother's house and take up all the time so they didn't get here before they had to just drop their stuff off and leave to go to one of the wedding weekend functions. He was livid when he got here. I just hugged them both and told them that the food would be in the oven when they got in if they wanted to heat it up to eat.

I have said at least 3 times, I KNOW that DS is going to have to speak up to her. I am WELL AWARE of that. But I am also well aware that a wife can make a husband's life a living hell if she doesn't get her way. And, please, do not even pretend to me that it can't happen. He just has to come to the conclusion that he would rather have a week or so of that to make things better in the future.

And it is her that plans what they do, just like it would be me to plan anywhere dh and I go. She talks to friends and family while he is gone and makes their plans.

When someone does the same thing over and over and over--you tend to learn that it is them. I will do all the things I said I would to make sure she knows that she is a part of this family but that doesn't change the way she is. She knows how to manipulate and she does it well. This is not a one time thing but happens over and over and over. I would never have complained about one visit--this is a build up of the past 2 years.


Someone said "child bride", I misspoke she just turned 22 and he is 27. She hasn't lived at home since she was 16 or 17. And the family she is spending time with is not her parents. Her parents live in another state and I have no idea how much they visit them, nor do I ask. I ask about them, as in "how are they" but I don't know when or how often they visit.



She is young and I know that a lot of it is immaturity. But, you know what, I was 18 when I got married the first time (when I had the dragon MIL) and I was just a child. But I still knew that we had to compromise the time between our families. That was not something I had to be told.


This girl got mad at me because we wouldn't put out $1000's on a wedding. She knew that I paid for ds's first wedding and she thought I owed her something. There were several reasons I couldn't and I discussed this with them. If she had been willing to give a bit on some of the things she wanted and would have settled for things to be a bit cheaper it would have been different, but she wouldn't. The only thing she ever tried to do to make it cheaper was make the guest list smaller. Ok, that's fine--she cut out ALL of dh's family, but suddenly had to include every last second and third cousin of ds's father's family--the family he barely knows and has very little relationship with. They didn't even have a wedding (her choice), but she still resents us for not paying for it.

 

[luvsJack]

Ohhhh good GRiEF!!!

Nowhere, ever, did I ever make any statement or insinuation that the OP was a Gorilla....

Where do people come up with this stuff!??????

YES, it is obvious to me that if she indeed saw her son for their family gathering, and starting even before the gathering, she is on a public chat board flaming her DIL and is now still upset because his visit wasn't 'enough' to satisfy her expectations... then, I would suggest that she adjust her expectations, based on the current reality.

Yes, she is indeed counting-hours and setting up a competitive situation regarding her DIL.

Yes, very clearly she is judging her DIL. (verbally or not - doesn't matter)

And, yes, she needs to realize that her son is the one responsible for their mother-son relationship... not the DIL.

Also, if she can make the 'goes both ways' statement.. I will go even further to say that this is not true, at all. My husband made marriage vows to me, and to me alone. We are one. If my marriage depended on whether my inlaws liked me then, obviously, I wouldn't have a marriage.

I am not posting here as a young bride...
Been married 20 years...
Have dealt with these inlaw issues the whole time.
I have dealt with the 'cut the cord' issues between a son and his parents as well.
I have an only son, and no way, ever, will I ever be this way with him or his wife.

My comment that "it can go both ways" was not intended to mean that I was in a competition with my dil. I do not want to compete with her. I want their marriage to be wonderful and I DO NOT want my son home again.

BUT, if a new bride insists on coming between her husband and his family on a constant basis--there is a problem. Both sides of a couple come into a marriage with a family and both sides deserve the right to continue to have a relationship with their family. Neither a wife nor a husband are meant to replace the other's family, they should be a part of it. Any person will someday resent the person that comes between them and their parents (unless their parent is crazy or abusive or some of the things that others have posted here--there are always exceptions)

I am so sorry that you have dealt with in law problems and that from your prospective all daughters in laws must be perfect, but guess what THEY ARE NOT. In your world all MIL's are in the wrong, but that is just not the way it is in the real world.

I came here to vent because my dil had changed plans around again as she as done every time they visit. She knows that this causes a problem for us and she continues to do it. She knows that we ask for their plans for a reason and yet she still changes things.

Just because I talk to my sons everyday does not mean they are dependent on me (which is what "cutting the cord" would mean, fyi). If you do not feel that you can talk to your family or your husbands family on a daily basis, I am sorry--that is really sad. They are not asking me for advice, they are not telling me their problems, they are not discussing their wives. They ask what's up with their little sister, they ask about family members they know are in bad health, they say "hi, how's it going", if their wife wants to know how I cook lasagna--they ask. It is through text or im and very short conversations. If I know they are traveling, I may text when they should be where ever and ask 'Ya'll make it ok?" and get the answer "yep, we're here" and that's the end of it. Many times I know its their wife that is even sending the text, because they are driving or whatever.

Yes, my son needs to speak up and say what he wants to do about visiting. He just has to be ready for the drama, the tears and her giving him hell. Regardless of what you believe, she is not this perfect little dil and wife being given grief by the evil mother in law that is trying to control her son's life. He is quite capable of running his own life and I have no say so in it. I don't want to control either of them, I don't want to know what goes on in their lives. ALL I WANT IS ONE LOUSY WEEKEND (OR ONE HALF OF ONE WEEKEND) WITH THEM THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE STRESS AND DRAMA OF TRYING TO PLAN SAID WEEKEND.

I am not counting hours and trying to compete with her family. Its not even her parents, BTW. I just would like to ask "what day(s) will ya'll be here" and be told, and be able to plan a dinner or bbq or whatever, and NOT have the day completely changed because it works better for her family. I wouldn't even care about the change if she could bother telling me more than a few days ahead of time. I do have a life and so does the rest of the family and we do make plans to do things when they are not here.

When your son gets married, you are more than welcome to come back and tell me what you will or won't do, until then you do not have a clue.

 

[abdmom]

ALL I WANT IS ONE LOUSY WEEKEND (OR ONE HALF OF ONE WEEKEND) WITH THEM THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE STRESS AND DRAMA OF TRYING TO PLAN SAID WEEKEND.

I am not counting hours and trying to compete with her family. Its not even her parents, BTW. I just would like to ask "what day(s) will ya'll be here" and be told, and be able to plan a dinner or bbq or whatever, and NOT have the day completely changed because it works better for her family. I wouldn't even care about the change if she could bother telling me more than a few days ahead of time. I do have a life and so does the rest of the family and we do make plans to do things when they are not here.

Is this what you said to your ds? If not, you should.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I agree, and I will admit to being the same way. I was an immature, selfish, young bride at one time too. We visited my family way more than we ever visited my husband's. I look back and I am ashamed -talk about not cutting the cord. However, time and experience has changed me. I now realize that my relationship is only improved with my dh when I make him feel like his family is important too. My mom always said your spouse should come first. She was right...if I would have put my spouse first more often in our early years, I would have made more of an effort to value and honor his family too.

OP...give your DIL some time.....I think that if you gently continue to try to build a relationship with her, she will eventually come around.

amen. I couldn't say it better.

 

[wdwfan16]

You are turning into that MIL.

We have tried to plan a time to go see them and still hope to do so. Trying to plan it around Dh's time on the road and my work plus ds being home makes it hard to plan. They have two weeks each month that they can travel with no reason to rush home, the rest of the family does not have that and it makes it a bit harder. Even they know that and have said so.

Your DS is old enough to make a baby, so he is old enough to take care of himself. Your DH is a truck drive, so he has to work. He is not the dad and it was just you and your two sons for a long time (per your post earlier). Why can't you and your DS' half sister go to visit. It does not have to be everybody or nobody.

If, from the time this weekend was planned, I knew that they would only be here a little bit there would not have been an issue. That was not the case. I asked HER (not him--he wasn't home) when they were coming so that dh could make sure he was home and was told a date. That is the date we planned by. By her words, we planned for them to stay with my mom overnight and spend the next day and night with all of us, then leave the next morning. Less than a week before their arrival I am told that it has to be a different date. DH had already taken the time off (which causes us to have a reduced paycheck two weeks to ensure that he is off) and we had made other plans for the day she wanted it changed to (we had other family obligations). I am told "ok, well we will come the day you want but we won't be able to stay long". Which is her MO--she manipulates by saying "ok, we will give you your way but we can't do xxxx then".

She made the plans when he was on the rig. How do you know that when they came home he did not change the plans?

She knows that we have to plan ahead for dh to even be here when they visit and she still does this. He tells me their plans, he goes to work, then either I talk to her or he comes home and she has changed every thing.

Your DH is not her FIL or your DS' father. They may not seem him the same way you do. Your DH may be a great step-father but that does not mean that your DS or DDil will see him the same way they see the dad.

One weekend they were coming home for a wedding. The only time we would see them was the night they arrived. That was fine and I just more or less figured I would be there when they arrived to say hello and give a hug. I asked them if they wanted me to have supper cooked when they got to my mom's. "Yes, yes. We will be starved. That will be great" But on the way she had to make a stop at a friend's mother's house and take up all the time so they didn't get here before they had to just drop their stuff off and leave to go to one of the wedding weekend functions. He was livid when he got here. I just hugged them both and told them that the food would be in the oven when they got in if they wanted to heat it up to eat.

We don't know why he was livid. I could have been because he lost his time with you, he missed his favorite meal, that they were running to close to the festivities or that his boss had yelled at him just as he was leaving the rig.

I have said at least 3 times, I KNOW that DS is going to have to speak up to her. I am WELL AWARE of that. But I am also well aware that a wife can make a husband's life a living hell if she doesn't get her way. And, please, do not even pretend to me that it can't happen. He just has to come to the conclusion that he would rather have a week or so of that to make things better in the future.

A Mother can put too much pressure on her son. What will you do if your son mans up and tell you that they don't want to visit?

And it is her that plans what they do, just like it would be me to plan anywhere dh and I go. She talks to friends and family while he is gone and makes their plans.

In our family that is not how it works. We get an invite. We talk it over and then I reply. That does not make it my plans. How many weeks/months a year does your DH visit his family?

When someone does the same thing over and over and over--you tend to learn that it is them. I will do all the things I said I would to make sure she knows that she is a part of this family but that doesn't change the way she is. She knows how to manipulate and she does it well. This is not a one time thing but happens over and over and over. I would never have complained about one visit--this is a build up of the past 2 years.


Someone said "child bride", I misspoke she just turned 22 and he is 27. She hasn't lived at home since she was 16 or 17. And the family she is spending time with is not her parents. Her parents live in another state and I have no idea how much they visit them, nor do I ask. I ask about them, as in "how are they" but I don't know when or how often they visit.



She is young and I know that a lot of it is immaturity. But, you know what, I was 18 when I got married the first time (when I had the dragon MIL) and I was just a child. But I still knew that we had to compromise the time between our families. That was not something I had to be told.

I am sure if we asked your ex-MIL about what a great DIL you were we would not hear glowing reviews. You think you were a great DIL, as I am sure your DDIL thinks of herself too. You also keep calling your ex MIL names. I am sure that feeling was know to her even when you were 18.


This girl got mad at me because we wouldn't put out $1000's on a wedding. She knew that I paid for ds's first wedding and she thought I owed her something. There were several reasons I couldn't and I discussed this with them. If she had been willing to give a bit on some of the things she wanted and would have settled for things to be a bit cheaper it would have been different, but she wouldn't. The only thing she ever tried to do to make it cheaper was make the guest list smaller. Ok, that's fine--she cut out ALL of dh's family, but suddenly had to include every last second and third cousin of ds's father's family--the family he barely knows and has very little relationship with. They didn't even have a wedding (her choice), but she still
resents us for not paying for it.

You put conditions on the money from you and when you gave none you were surprised that your family was but from the wedding?

You tried to manipulate her wedding and it did not work out. Hmmmmm I wonder why she does not want to visit.

You started their marriage out with strings attached and they cut them. Now you are paying the price.

You should have done what most parents do and just say we can only spend $X on the wedding, give them the check and then said nothing more.

I am also guessing that his father's side of the family gave them money so they were included. They could only cover the cost of the guest with help.

It may not have been the way you did your wedding but it is how her family apparently does it.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am so confused. Since when are parents responsible for paying for a wedding? If a parent pays for wedding #1 are they then committing to paying fro any additional weddings for that same child? If they choose to pay towards that second wedding must they give an infinite amount in order to gaurantee that their family members are invited? If they stipulate that they will pay for certain portions of that wedding are they then to be blamed if the Bride determines that is not enough and tehn cancels the entire thing?

Good thing I told all of my children that I was not responsible for paying for their weddings. When they planned their day we did pay...for my DD and my DS but I can tell you that if I had been treated like the OP I would have sent a card and used that money for a vacation.

I know that some folks here have MIL's who are less than reasonable but Holy Smokes! If my son and his wife made plans to visit me, my DH took time off from work and then we got treated like an unwanted truck stop I would be not only very hurt, I would be furious. I am a MIL and I expect that I will be treated with respect and courtesy from all of my children as well as their spouses. I will say that I would not have tolerated that behavior that the OP's DS and his DW have shown her. I don't expect the world to stop spinning when the kids are arond but I do expect that is plans are made and are changed because something better came up I better have some notice or at least a call.

 

[luvsJack]

You are turning into that MIL.

First off, my dh raised my son from a fairly young age. Their father never put forth any effort to be in their lives. Younger ds doesn't have anything to do with his bio-dad. Neither of them have ever had much of a relationship with their father or his family. My husband has been their father and both of them have told him so. His family accepted them as part of the family (no "step" anything") from the time they met each other. DH's parents are their grandparents, his siblings their aunts and uncles. She did that as a jab at my husband and she and ds had many long discussions about it (hence the no wedding)

Believe it or not I do know the dynamics of my own family. BTW, we do not call anyone half anything--they are all whole people. She is their sister. Period. No other words are used to describe it (this by my sons not me). We are a family. We have always been a family. This is not what is obviously your idea of a step-family.

My son is old enough to make a baby but the grandchild is not his, my younger ds is the father. Where did I say he wasn't able to take care of himself. I only meant that he would actually need to be home for us to visit him.

I know that he didn't change the plans because he wasn't home when I was told they were changed.

I know my son. You may not know why he was livid. I know why. It certainly had nothing to do with a rig that he had left a week earlier. He called to let me know they would be late and he was angry then and told me why.

IF my son was to tell me he didn't want to visit, I would have to accept that. That is not going to happen. I know my child. He doesn't lie to me. HE is NOT changing the plans. My Lord! I know who I talk to, when and why.

Since you do not know this person, why do you insist that it must be my fault? I know her. This is not a one time thing. She does this all the time. She has no friends because she tries to manipulate them all to do what she wants. Yes, I know this.

I didn't pay for the wedding because I could not afford the wedding she wanted. I told them I could help them have a smaller wedding but not this huge thing she was planning. She wouldn't accept that. She would not accept me saying "ok I will give you $X and you spend it how you want". She wanted a certain wedding and nothing else would do. When we couldn't give her what she wanted she pitched a little fit. I was not trying to plan their wedding. They could have whatever wedding they wanted, I just couldn't pay for it.

HIS family giving money!!!!!! You must be kidding!! His father has never given either of them a dime in their lives and they certainly would not start now. It has nothing to do with how I did my wedding, my wedding never came into the discussion.


You are assuming things you know absolutely nothing about. If you do not get along with you mil, I am sorry. I am not trying to control these two. I just would like a bit of consideration and not cause my son trouble when he visits.

 

[wdwfan16]

My comment that "it can go both ways" was not intended to mean that I was in a competition with my dil. I do not want to compete with her. I want their marriage to be wonderful and I DO NOT want my son home again.

BUT, if a new bride insists on coming between her husband and his family on a constant basis--there is a problem. Both sides of a couple come into a marriage with a family and both sides deserve the right to continue to have a relationship with their family. Neither a wife nor a husband are meant to replace the other's family, they should be a part of it. Any person will someday resent the person that comes between them and their parents (unless their parent is crazy or abusive or some of the things that others have posted here--there are always exceptions)

I am so sorry that you have dealt with in law problems and that from your prospective all daughters in laws must be perfect, but guess what THEY ARE NOT. In your world all MIL's are in the wrong, but that is just not the way it is in the real world.

I came here to vent because my dil had changed plans around again as she as done every time they visit. She knows that this causes a problem for us and she continues to do it. She knows that we ask for their plans for a reason and yet she still changes things.

Just because I talk to my sons everyday does not mean they are dependent on me (which is what "cutting the cord" would mean, fyi). If you do not feel that you can talk to your family or your husbands family on a daily basis, I am sorry--that is really sad. They are not asking me for advice, they are not telling me their problems, they are not discussing their wives. They ask what's up with their little sister, they ask about family members they know are in bad health, they say "hi, how's it going", if their wife wants to know how I cook lasagna--they ask. It is through text or im and very short conversations. If I know they are traveling, I may text when they should be where ever and ask 'Ya'll make it ok?" and get the answer "yep, we're here" and that's the end of it. Many times I know its their wife that is even sending the text, because they are driving or whatever.

Yes, my son needs to speak up and say what he wants to do about visiting. He just has to be ready for the drama, the tears and her giving him hell. Regardless of what you believe, she is not this perfect little dil and wife being given grief by the evil mother in law that is trying to control her son's life. He is quite capable of running his own life and I have no say so in it. I don't want to control either of them, I don't want to know what goes on in their lives. ALL I WANT IS ONE LOUSY WEEKEND (OR ONE HALF OF ONE WEEKEND) WITH THEM THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE STRESS AND DRAMA OF TRYING TO PLAN SAID WEEKEND.

I am not counting hours and trying to compete with her family. Its not even her parents, BTW. I just would like to ask "what day(s) will ya'll be here" and be told, and be able to plan a dinner or bbq or whatever, and NOT have the day completely changed because it works better for her family. I wouldn't even care about the change if she could bother telling me more than a few days ahead of time. I do have a life and so does the rest of the family and we do make plans to do things when they are not here.

When your son gets married, you are more than welcome to come back and tell me what you will or won't do, until then you do not have a clue.

.........

 

[wdwfan16]

I am so confused. Since when are parents responsible for paying for a wedding? If a parent pays for wedding #1 are they then committing to paying fro any additional weddings for that same child? If they choose to pay towards that second wedding must they give an infinite amount in order to gaurantee that their family members are invited? If they stipulate that they will pay for certain portions of that wedding are they then to be blamed if the Bride determines that is not enough and tehn cancels the entire thing?

Good thing I told all of my children that I was not responsible for paying for their weddings. When they planned their day we did pay...for my DD and my DS but I can tell you that if I had been treated like the OP I would have sent a card and used that money for a vacation.

I know that some folks here have MIL's who are less than reasonable but Holy Smokes! If my son and his wife made plans to visit me, my DH took time off from work and then we got treated like an unwanted truck stop I would be not only very hurt, I would be furious. I am a MIL and I expect that I will be treated with respect and courtesy from all of my children as well as their spouses. I will say that I would not have tolerated that behavior that the OP's DS and his DW have shown her. I don't expect the world to stop spinning when the kids are arond but I do expect that is plans are made and are changed because something better came up I better have some notice or at least a call.

I never said the parents had to pay. The OP said they would do X if she did Y. That is not how it works. You can't or don't want to pay then don't but don't complain later that Aunt Bessie was not invited. They had to shorten the list and Aunt Bessie got the axe. It may have been for spite but it had to be somebody.

The problem is the OP is ONLY blaming the DIL. The Son appears to follow her out the door like an obediant dog. He could have said, "We are staying, see you later or where are you going?". But he just followed her out the door.

Her son should be more considerate but apparently he is not.

 

[wdwfan16]

First off, my dh raised my son from a fairly young age.

But you said earlier that it was just you and your two boys for a long time. So which is it? That was your reason why you said you were so close to them. It was you and them against the world. Wait now it was you and them and your new DH.


Their father never put forth any effort to be in their lives. Younger ds doesn't have anything to do with his bio-dad. Neither of them have ever had much of a relationship with their father or his family. My husband has been their father and both of them have told him so. His family accepted them as part of the family (no "step" anything") from the time they met each other. DH's parents are their grandparents, his siblings their aunts and uncles. She did that as a jab at my husband and she and ds had many long discussions about it (hence the no wedding)
'
Honestly I would have never married a person like this.

Believe it or not I do know the dynamics of my own family. BTW, we do not call anyone half anything--they are all whole people. She is their sister. Period. No other words are used to describe it (this by my sons not me). We are a family. We have always been a family. This is not what is obviously your idea of a step-family.

My son is old enough to make a baby but the grandchild is not his, my younger ds is the father. Where did I say he wasn't able to take care of himself. I only meant that he would actually need to be home for us to visit him.

I know your younger son is the father and they live with you. You said you could only visit this father if your DS came too. I was pointing out a many old enough to make a baby is old enough to stay home alone.

I know that he didn't change the plans because he wasn't home when I was told they were changed.

So you were told they were changes over a week before. Does you son not have any contact with his wife for the two weeks he is on the rig? If not, then he could have told her that plans needed to be changes.

I know my son. You may not know why he was livid. I know why. It certainly had nothing to do with a rig that he had left a week earlier. He called to let me know they would be late and he was angry then and told me why.

Who was driving when they pulled over to visit this person? Why did he not leave earlier? He is making his wife his fall guy. If this keeps up it will end in divorce #2.

IF my son was to tell me he didn't want to visit, I would have to accept that. That is not going to happen. I know my child. He doesn't lie to me. HE is NOT changing the plans. My Lord! I know who I talk to, when and why.

Are you privy to all of the personal conversations between him and his wife? If not, then you don't know the whole pictures.



Since you do not know this person, why do you insist that it must be my fault? I know her. This is not a one time thing. She does this all the time. She has no friends because she tries to manipulate them all to do what she wants. Yes, I know this.

It is the fault of You, Your Son and his Wife. You want to only blame the DDIL. That is where your reasoning is off.

I didn't pay for the wedding because I could not afford the wedding she wanted. I told them I could help them have a smaller wedding but not this huge thing she was planning. She wouldn't accept that. She would not accept me saying "ok I will give you $X and you spend it how you want". She wanted a certain wedding and nothing else would do. When we couldn't give her what she wanted she pitched a little fit. I was not trying to plan their wedding. They could have whatever wedding they wanted, I just couldn't pay for it.

I think this should have set off red flags to your son.

HIS family giving money!!!!!! You must be kidding!! His father has never given either of them a dime in their lives and they certainly would not start now. It has nothing to do with how I did my wedding, my wedding never came into the discussion.


You are assuming things you know absolutely nothing about. If you do not get along with you mil, I am sorry. I am not trying to control these two. I just would like a bit of consideration and not cause my son trouble when he visits.

I did get along with my MIL but she has now passed on. We did visit and my DH talked to her every Sunday. So I know what a MIL/DDIL relationship is all about. My MIL never pulled the "I want more time." card a second time. My DH told her these were his plans and he would see her at X time. Maybe your son needs to learn to do the same. BTW my DH was an only child whose father died a few days after we met. So it really was only him and his mother and she was not this controlling. She certainly could have been but my DH would not allow it.

You an stop this if you talk to your son and you stop pushing.