Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[maddhatir]

You know, now that you mention it. . . . you did tell me that. I am having BRAIN FREEZE!!!

Or as the faculty around her call it, "I'm having a brain CRAMP".

DON'T feel bad- I cannot keep the info and the people straight!

I am the worst at that!

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

Hi FortheLoveofDisney! I think we're in the same boat.
We couldn't have children, and being sad about it isn't helpful for me.
This is my path in life, so I'm going to enjoy it and do things I find meaningful, like helping animals.

I'm not into the British comedies, but I got completely hooked on the mystery series Rosemary & Thyme, about the Brit gardners who traipse from gorgeous setting to gorgeous setting, happening upon murders and of course, solving them, usually with some sort of horticultural twist. Very fun.

Everyone have a good weekend!
ReaderGirl

I think we are. I stopped back over on the other thread just to see what it was about. They seem like a nice bunch of folks but it is as I feared, they're still stuck on the baby-go-round. Talking IVFs and adoptions and "keep trying. We were together x amount of years before we had ours". I'm not there anymore and I don't want to be there again. That is not the focus of my life. I want to talk about travel and food and good wine, great music and explore different cultures. I really want to find other like minded people and gravitate towards them. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a calloused person. In the back of my mind I'm thinking of bad past experiences I've had and I guess that's where I'm coming from.

 

[Suzibrat]

Suzi I love your new siggy- that freakin' kitty is freakin' hilarious!

And I notice you are never in the same place twice! (your location under your screen name!)

I move around alot under the witness protection program

Feeling a bit better - finally got a good nights sleep last night. What a difference that makes.
Suzi, how's your hubby doing? I can't believe you are still getting snow! YUCK!!! Of course, I'd take that over the dreary, gray rainy days we've been having. Depressing....

Glad you're feeling better Liisa! You're so right, the gray days are just such a downer. Hopefully we will see some sun this weekend so I can BBQ!!! Hubby's doing pretty good today. His friends have been visiting on a regular basis, which I'm glad of. That way he's not just stuck talking to me and the dogs!

Suzi- just on the Dimmu website and I read this:

The 24-show trek will launch on April 2nd in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and will end on May 4th in Chicago, IL.
Drummer Tony Laureano will continue to handle drum duties, as the 2007 injury suffered by Hellhammer still has him sidelined

I wonder if I will get to see Hellhammer in action??

Ya know, I have to stare at your siggy everytime I see one of your posts- there is nothing sexier than a dude, hair flying and banging his head.....or banging on the drums!-

OK- Nothing sexier- EXCEPT for JD! Now If JD would just do a little headbanging I would be speachless. That, or, I need to see a pic of him ridng a Harley with no helmet and hair blowin' in the wind! It would be the death of me for sure!


.

I knew Hellhammer had been injured but thought he might be ready to resume his drumming duties...poor dear man. I'd offer to nurse him back to health but I'm a bit tied up at the moment. The drummer in my pic is my beloved Joey. Sexy little devil. Can't wait to see him this summer! He's even gorgeous without the mask....

 

[Barthy73]

I want to talk about travel and food and good wine, great music and explore different cultures. I really want to find other like minded people and gravitate towards them.

I couldn't have said it better myself! Everyone else my age (35) has kidlets running around, and they never have the time nor money to do anything other than their family stuff. No Thanks!

My wife and I went to Dreams in Cancun over Thanksgiving last year. While it was a nice resort, the holiday season is the WRONG time to go, as kids were everywhere and obnoxious as ever. At least at Disney, we go during times that kids are in school, and it's Disney, so kids are going to be there.

All Inclusive ADULTS ONLY resorts for us in the future when we stray from WDW.

So, our friends are either young and don't have a lot to share, or they're old with grown kids, and now they're looking forward to grandkids. We can't win. Back to what ForTheLuvofDisney said:

I really want to find other like minded people and gravitate towards them.

AMEN!!

 

[eternitybc]

Ann Landers always said that when someone askes a nosy, personal question you should just smile quizzically and say "Why do you ask?", or, if you particularily want to get your point across you could amend it to "That is a very personal question, why do you ask?"

FayeW- great response. So now, what do I tell ym future Mother In Law?? I'm only 25, but been with her son for 8 years. Somehow she always manages to work kids in. I said I was thinking of changing careers, to become a realtor- first thing out of her mouthis "Thats a good career- it's very flexible when you have kids!" Seriously put me off real estate

Problem is my bf (we own a place together) says it's normal, and I shouldn't let it bother me. She just wants grand kids. Maybe right, but it DOES bother me...I don't want kids rigth now,a dn more pressure I get the less I want them!! I'm with above posters, I do NOT want children. Unfortunately DH does.. we talked about havign them when I'm 30, so I have 5 years to have fun before we get serious I'm hopign the motherly urge will ahve hit me by then. id o kind of like the idea of being a mom, but....I'd rather travel and have fun.

I don't want to stay at hoe and take care of babies for years I told him i'm hiring a nanny when we have kids...he doesn't like the idea... but if we can afford it I will!

 

[Hixski]

I think we are. I stopped back over on the other thread just to see what it was about. They seem like a nice bunch of folks but it is as I feared, they're still stuck on the baby-go-round. Talking IVFs and adoptions and "keep trying. We were together x amount of years before we had ours". I'm not there anymore and I don't want to be there again. That is not the focus of my life. I want to talk about travel and food and good wine, great music and explore different cultures. I really want to find other like minded people and gravitate towards them. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a calloused person. In the back of my mind I'm thinking of bad past experiences I've had and I guess that's where I'm coming from.

I have read some of that other thread too. Some of them sound like they have used every bit of money they have and still trying to figure out how to keep going. At some point you have to decide that it may not happen and move on. I'm sure that is hard when you get into a mindset and can't get out of it but it will make you crazy.

I remember one or maybe two women were talking that their DH just wants to stop but they won't let it go. They should realize they could end up without a DH either if they can't move on.

We tried at one point but I guess it was just not meant to be. We didn't even get tested to find out what (if anything) was wrong. We just said "Oh, well" I guess we just never wanted kids too bad anyway.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

I have read some of that other thread too. Some of them sound like they have used every bit of money they have and still trying to figure out how to keep going. At some point you have to decide that it may not happen and move on. I'm sure that is hard when you get into a mindset and can't get out of it but it will make you crazy.

I remember one or maybe two women were talking that their DH just wants to stop but they won't let it go. They should realize they could end up without a DH either if they can't move on.

We tried at one point but I guess it was just not meant to be. We didn't even get tested to find out what (if anything) was wrong. We just said "Oh, well" I guess we just never wanted kids too bad anyway.

I was there, in that mindset. We did have some testing done and I had two surgeries for endometriosis (I had the surgery for pain relief FIRST and foremost, secondly hoping I would have gotten pregnant). We even jumped in and right back out of the adoption waters. We never did drugs or any procedures.

I *think* my "mindset" was fueled by the people I was surrounded by. ALL of our friends had children and were ever having more. My DH is from a big family and my mother in law was always touting the virtues of her life in motherhood. It was her identity and she loved it. Everytime a new baby was on it's way in the family, said mother became elevated. It was presented to us (OK, forced on us) that having children is the natural NORMAL next step. When we would go out to dinner with friends or family, their children would, naturally. come along. When we would visit, we were surrounded by their children. All of the conversations seemed to be kid geared and even if they didn't start out that way (after 50 interuptions by the kids) it ended up that way. Yes, we found it VERY annoying but we were reminded that someday we would have our own . . . . as it's the natural next step. I had one friend in particular (I no longer associate with her) who was baby obsessed!! She had had I don't know how many miscarriages but just kept plugging away at it. She had two (a 10 year old and a 3 year old) when I moved away in '06. Now I understand she's pregnant w/ #3. Anyway, she was my closest friend and I allowed that craziness to spill over into my life. I honestly can't explain it now but at the time I was obsessed right along with her. It's like we fueled eachother's fires. This might sound crazy but it's like when a Pitbull becomes so focused on something that you have to break the spell or something is going to be destroyed. It was kind of like that.

After my last surgery I went on BCP (that was back in '06). I've been on them ever since. We also moved in '06. And like the Altoid's commercial says it best, "It was a slap to the cerebellum" my focus was broken and life starting looking like . . . well . . . . life again.

DH's grade school friend lives near us and he's a bachelor w/ no kids. For the first time we were able to experience life w/ friends w/OUT kids! It was AMAZING!! Course, now said friend is getting serious w/ a girl (which is fine) and has no time for us. He's starting to talk kids. I'm like, "Great, here we go again." I also met another friend who is 23 and her DH is 30. They have no children BUT I'm sure they will one day. I think she'd be ok w/out them but her DH wants them. There were whisperings that they would try this summer.

Don't get me wrong, I don't NOT like kids but it really has been terrific being around kidless people. It reminds me that there is LIFE out there and I missed out on it for so long. Oh the things I could have done. . . going back to school being #1!! if I hadn't been of the "mindset".

I'm sorry for the babbeling. Sometimes it just feels REALLY good to let it out.

 

[maddhatir]

Well, DH and I just finished watching the whole George Carlin special! It was awesome!

Let me tell ya, those people who have a problem with the word "breeders" they sure are not gonna be too happy about how George explains what he thinks about people having kids...... "all it is, is plopping out units"

 

[Hixski]

Well, DH and I just finished watching the whole George Carlin special! It was awesome!

Let me tell ya, those people who have a problem with the word "breeders" they sure are not gonna be too happy about how George explains what he thinks about people having kids...... "all it is, is plopping out units"

I think that sounds much better than breeders don't you!!!??? George has been funny since I watched him back in the 70's. It doesn't matter the era he has always been spot on.

 

[PhotobearSam]

I think that sounds much better than breeders don't you!!!??? George has been funny since I watched him back in the 70's. It doesn't matter the era he has always been spot on.

I watch the Movie DOGMA for his humour...Funny.

 

[ReaderGirl]

Hi to everyone!

FortheLoveofDisney, I can relate to much of your post. Some families are their own little culture of childbearing. It can be hard to keep one's own perspective and priorities. I know that our not having children is a big disappointment to my in-laws, and it's hard not to feel like second class citizens when everyone else is trotting out the grandchildren.

If people need to talk a lot about their sadness at not having children, that's okay, but it's not for me. I think it's easy to get mired in a "lack" mindset, instead of seeing what's available only to those who don't have kids. This is the only life I've got, and I'm going to move on!

Here's a little present for everyone.... several well-done studies show that being married can raise your level of happiness (doesn't always, as many know!), having a comfortable income can raise your level of happiness (to a degree), but studies show that having children does *not* make people any happier.

Have a good weekend!!
ReaderGirl

 

[Suzibrat]

Good Morning Everybody!
I'm late this morning because I had to run to the store to get the ingrdients for a Triple Chocolate Kahluha Cake that I am making to take with us when we have dinner at a friend's house tonight.
It's nice and sunny today so hopefully all the snow we had yesterday will melt away. I have a bunch of laundry to do and housework stuff so I'd better step away from the computer, huh?
have a good day!!!

 

[maddhatir]

Here's a little present for everyone.... several well-done studies show that being married can raise your level of happiness (doesn't always, as many know!), having a comfortable income can raise your level of happiness (to a degree), but studies show that having children does *not* make people any happier.

Have a good weekend!!
ReaderGirl

Yes- and they say WE are the ones who are miserable!

A lot of parents I see just look......spent......frazzled......etc......

 

[maddhatir]

Good Morning Everybody!
I'm late this morning because I had to run to the store to get the ingrdients for a Triple Chocolate Kahluha Cake that I am making to take with us when we have dinner at a friend's house tonight.
It's nice and sunny today so hopefully all the snow we had yesterday will melt away. I have a bunch of laundry to do and housework stuff so I'd better step away from the computer, huh?
have a good day!!!

MMMMM- sounds good! I have doing so good with not eating junk! Anytime someone asks me what my diet consists of (b/c I am a veggie) DH says......desserts

I DID step away for the computer yesterday after work and tackled the bathroom floor. I have been wanting to scrub it with bleach in soapy water for a long time- the grout started looking dingy- I have a stinking cleaning woman and she sucks!

So- I was on my hands and knees yesterday scrubbing the floor, took down the shower curtain to wash, removed the radiator cover and vacuumed all that---

I have to step away again today and maybe clean some windows and whatever else might be in my way!

WHY?! am singing The Stones song- "Mother's Little Helper"

 

[WDWguru]

I'm with above posters, I do NOT want children. Unfortunately DH does.. we talked about havign them when I'm 30, so I have 5 years to have fun before we get serious I'm hopign the motherly urge will ahve hit me by then. id o kind of like the idea of being a mom, but....I'd rather travel and have fun.

I don't want to stay at hoe and take care of babies for years I told him i'm hiring a nanny when we have kids...he doesn't like the idea... but if we can afford it I will!

Hate to be the downer here, but this is a VERY serious issue in your marriage and, imho, nothing to be compromised on. As Dr. Phil says, when it comes to kids there is no compromise - you must have two "yes"s or it doesn't work.

You need to have some serious discussions and figure out whether he really does want them and whether you really don't. If that's the conclusion the best option is to get out now. If you end up having kids, there's a good chance you will resent them and him, and that's not a good environment to raise kids in - or for the marriage. If you end up not having kids, there's a good chance he will resent you for it, especially with his family fanning the flames.

I hate to say it but if you really honestly can't agree on this do NOT compromise. It's not fair to either of you.

 

[PhotobearSam]

Hate to be the downer here, but this is a VERY serious issue in your marriage and, imho, nothing to be compromised on. As Dr. Phil says, when it comes to kids there is no compromise - you must have two "yes"s or it doesn't work.

You need to have some serious discussions and figure out whether he really does want them and whether you really don't. If that's the conclusion the best option is to get out now. If you end up having kids, there's a good chance you will resent them and him, and that's not a good environment to raise kids in - or for the marriage. If you end up not having kids, there's a good chance he will resent you for it, especially with his family fanning the flames.

I hate to say it but if you really honestly can't agree on this do NOT compromise. It's not fair to either of you.

Amen,

Having children is an all or nothing type of situation...You can't do it half way.

I say DON'T have kids unless you have burning desire for them. It would be horrible to grow up in a house where one would "feel" they were not wanted. It happened to a friend of mine and it was not pretty.

I could never "hope to want them"...I think you either do or you don't...This is dangerous in a marriage. Be careful.

 

[Barthy73]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WC02eZeBhw

I think those of us who choose to be childfree can appreciate this one a bit more!!

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WC02eZeBhw

I think those of us who choose to be childfree can appreciate this one a bit more!!

That is hilarious!!!

I was watching and DH walked around the corner with this horrified look on his face and asked, "What is that???" Cause all he could hear was the kid screaming. Once he saw it he was !

 

[maddhatir]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WC02eZeBhw

I think those of us who choose to be childfree can appreciate this one a bit more!!

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[zima-cheryl]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WC02eZeBhw

I think those of us who choose to be childfree can appreciate this one a bit more!!

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!!