Married - End of Disney?

[sahbushka]

I leave in 5 days for a disney trip with some girlfriends while my husband stays home with our five month old. I have been on many trips without him in the past 4 years of our marriage. We compramise with him spending the same amount of money that I spend on my trip on computer parts which is his personal love. Even though you get married, you are still individuals and still should have your own interests and time to yourself. It's all part of a healthy relationship. Another part of a healthy relationship is having trust for your partner. If that is not present, it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

So it doesn't matter that she agreed to his taking solo trips before the ring was on??

I can't believe there are so few people who think that a spouse should honor an agreement made pre-marriage!

OF COURSE I think that promises should be honored...however, people change, and people's feelings change. It is selfish and childish to just say "But you promised!!" If his wife has changed her feelings about his going to Disney solo, then he should respect that. Shame on her for refusing to talk about it, but it is obviously important to her & he should really try to resolve the underlying issue rather than just blow her feelings off and go anyway.

Sheesh...has anyone heard of communication between spouses?

 

[boomhauer]

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I've got it all figured out though now.

I'm a man, she's a woman - No matter what happens, I'm wrong, I'm the jerk, and this will never change.

 

[we3disneygo]

my dh used to go on long weekend trips to the cabin when we still owned it, they'd go out fish, shoot their guns, and whatever....I'd be at home with dd.....he did it a couple of times. no big deal. but if he went to disney boy that would tick me off, but i doubt if that would ever happen.......dd and I went one year and left him at home, he got to watch all his favorite movies, in surround sound as loud as he wanted....it was rough on dd who missed her dad and we all agreed that no more week long trips to disney unless everyone went......weve also been married 19 years.good luck-marriage is hard and you have to work at it everyday......

 

[DisneyGirl]

I asked her about this. She doesn't like to fly alone.

I think I should clarify, my main thing here is, I love Disney World. Cretainly, I would have NO problems with her coming with me. But she comes up with excuse after excuse not to. She could certainly take an unpaid vacation. I told her I would pay for the entire trip. She says she simply can't take the time off from work.

I know I sound selfish. What can I say? No place in the world makes me happier than Disney World. I was going to move down there before I met my wife. We can't move now as my step-son needs to see his father every other weekend. I understand that. I think asking her to let me go (if she doesn't want to) really isn't the end of the world that she makes it out to be. I'm asking for 1 out of 52 weeks to be in the one place I love.

I'm going to be in the EXTREME minority here, but I think SHE'S being selfish. I am an extremely independent person. If I entered a relationship with someone, with the understanding that we could remain independent, and then after the vows are said, that all changed, I don't think the relationship can last (with me in the relationship).

If one of the excuses is she doesn't like to fly alone, then yes, I think it is just that-- an excuse.

I suppose that you need to do what you need to do to save your marriage, so if that means giving in to her, and sitting around at home playing stay at home husband, then I guess you have to do that. I personally would not be a happy camper if I were you.

I think I'd be afraid it would go from not being able to go on vacation by yourself, to not being able to go to the movies by yourself, then, maybe you can't go to the mall by yourself, then, maybe you can't go to the grocery store by yourself... pretty soon, maybe she'll even get a job at your company. As your secretary. (or your boss...) Then you can even carpool!

But hey, I don't know your wife.

(and I'm a woman )

 

[Forevryoung]

I'm going to be in the EXTREME minority here, but I think SHE'S being selfish. I am an extremely independent person. If I entered a relationship with someone, with the understanding that we could remain independent, and then after the vows are said, that all changed, I don't think the relationship can last (with me in the relationship).

I am a woman too (not married) and I totally agree- she is being selfish. She doesn't want you to be without you, doesnt want you having fun without her and doesnt want to be stuck at work while you are having said fun even if she doesnt want to be in that location.

I NEED "me" time. I explode without it- I become miserable and irratable and I am more prone to meltdowns... the list goes on. After spending the day (even a few hours) with people I need to go into a quiet room by myself and decompress. It's a part of my personality. I love traveling by myself and I hope to do more of it after graduation (and when I am actually making money at a job).

 

[fyle]

I am of the opinion that finding a mate who will accompany you to Disneyland is one of the keys to a happy marriage.

What? Doesn't he/she like to have fun???

 

[DisneyPhD]

Sorry I haven't read all the posts yet.

I have been married for 12 years.

Really I wouldn't want to go with out my DH, it is our specail place. (even with other friends, family or work.) I would miss DH too much.

If he had told me shortly after we got married he wanted to take a vacation with out me I would of been hurt too. (even if it wasn't to WDW.)

Are you talking about going with friends, or just alone. If my DH just wanted to take a vacation by himself I would feel hurt. Maybe it is because that just isn't the type of people we are. (like you said you did this before you when you were single.) However I think that is why a lot of people get married, so you don't have to go to WDW alone. (there is a bit more to it then that, but you know what I mean. )

Pretty much most of the other people I am friends with would feel the same way. It is bad enough when one has to travel for work, but that isn't a choice. I think taking a men's only or college reunion trip is another thing.

I don't know, I just like being with my DH, doubly so at WDW. He can be a bit "beast like" sometiemes, but at WDW he is all mouse!

I dont' think you are a "jerk" as much as I don't understand the reason you would want to go alone and leave DW alone. It does seem supspiocus (or at least a little odd.)

 

[DiznEeyore]

OF COURSE I think that promises should be honored...however, people change, and people's feelings change. It is selfish and childish to just say "But you promised!!" If his wife has changed her feelings about his going to Disney solo, then he should respect that. Shame on her for refusing to talk about it, but it is obviously important to her & he should really try to resolve the underlying issue rather than just blow her feelings off and go anyway.

Sheesh...has anyone heard of communication between spouses?

You said it yourself -- she's not communicating. And 6 months isn't a long time ... do you really think her feelings just "changed"? I suspect this is how she felt all along, and just agreed to it, thinking *she* could get him to change his mind. Look at how she's behaving!

And I'm a big believer in communication ... that's why I've been happily married for over 14 years. No lack of communication here -- and no questionable turnarounds in attitude (going back on an agreement a few months into the marriage, for example) pulled either.

Really, boomhauer, you're gonna do what you're gonna do -- I just think you ended up with the raw end of the deal on this one. Good luck!

 

[Kycha]

Rather than going for a whole week, you could go for a long weekend. My husband went to Atlanta with his sister last year. It was for 4 nights. I barely noticed he was gone. But, if he had been gone for a week I would have hated it. I would have missed him so much.

 

[pearlieq]

You know, after reading all of your posts and thinking about this some more, I think I'm reversing my position.

You discussed this before marriage. There are viable options for her to come and/or join you and she's not taking them. With that being the case, I say you're entitled to go and enjoy your time there!

Maybe you could compromise with her and go for a shorter stretch, say 4 nights instead of a week? Still, I think you've done all you can to be reasonable and sensitive about this.

Like I said before, I really hope you guys can work this one out!

 

[twojo21]

i dont think its wrong to go on an occasional seperate vacation once married. just because youre married doesnt mean your joined at the hip. we go on many vacations together as we share many of the same interests & dream travel destinations but have taken a few apart, him fishing with the guys, me going to disney with my mom. maybe your wifes just jealous youre going to disney a place she loves to without her or maybe shes insecure in your marriage, talk to her.

 

[boomhauer]

Actually, I'm going to be by myself for 4 days, then a friend of mine from Colorado is coming down for 3 days.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Actually, I'm going to be by myself for 4 days, then a friend of mine from Colorado is coming down for 3 days.

Sorry, I might of missed this info already, Is this your 1st vacation since the honeymoon? If so I see how this would be a big thing. As twojo21, occastional seperate vacations is normal, but not the 1st few years after you get married.

If this was something you were looking to do a few years from now it might not have the same reaction from her.

You know how women do the "if you don't know what I am mad about then I am not going to tell you." that part of the problem is you can't read her mind and know what should be bugging her? It can be hard to commuicate when you feel hurt (this doesn't make it right, really more of a reason it is nessary.)

Good luck. You don't want WDW to become a sore spot between you. Better for it to be your specail place.

 

[Scottish-Helen]

I've only been married 7 months myself but it really wouldn't bother me if DH had more vacation time than me and wanted to take advantage of that time by say going ski-ing which is something he likes to do.

I went to WDW without DH last December as I had more time than him and I got the chance to go with work (I'm a travel agent). I also went to St Lucia without him for the same reason. I think he would only be bothered if we weren't taking trips together when he had the time off.

 

[bubba73]

I just got back from California for a four day trip where I was attending a conference but I was able to go out one day early so I could do DL for the first time. I have been to WDW many times and even have taken my DW 5 times since we have been married. The first day I was out in California, I was totally alone, no friends or anything. Took me an hour and a half to find DL after I left the airport and it was only supposed to be a 30 minute drive. But I was on the phone with my DW everyday talking to her. On the second day, I did have some friends join me that were also there for the conference but I didn't see them until the end of the day. But with all that said, I should also add that the City that I live in paid for my trip and was not going to pay for hers. Unfortunately, I am not as financially secure as a lot of people on this site, so we were not able to pay the extra for the rest of the family to come out too. But we have also been together a lot longer than 6 months (more like 12 years).

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I think we all need to keep something in mind...we are only getting one side of the story here. Some people are being pretty hard on his wife, but we don't know their whole story. Yes, I do think that things can change drastically in six months, because it happened to me. People change, life changes, all in the blink of en eye. I still think the focus should not be the fact that she has changed her mind, but rather the underlying reasons for WHY she has changed her mind. Once again, COMMUNICATION is the key to this...they seem to have a breakdown in that area and that is more important than who goes to WDW and when.

 

[VSL]

Ooooooh....Guess I'm gonna anger some here now:

I've already gone once solo. We've lived together since August of 2004. We got married in May of 2005. I went solo in September of 2005.

So, yeah - I know I'm pushing it. I wanted her to go in February, but like I said, she won't do it. I like to go twice a year - Summer and winter. She said we could go next August, but I don't wanna wait an entire year to back. I HATE the winter, and the only thing that gets me through it is my annual February Disney trip.

Personally, I do think you are pushing it. You've been solo once this 'marriage year', now why not wait 'til next year?
I mean, you only went last month!

Look, your wife may be being awkward, but I wouldn't be impressed if my FDH wanted to take two solo trips per year (he wouldn't take one though!). Can't one be enough?

Spend some time with your family.

As another poster said - do you want to be right or happy?

 

[Lesley]

Haven't read this entire thread, but after 13 years of marriage my dh and I are contemplating solo trips. I think if he had wanted to go solo 6 months into the marriage though, I would have been a bit upset. Granted, we didn't have any sort of understanding pre-maritally about solo vacations.

Logically I think it sounds completely appropriate for you to make your solo trip...you have the vacation time, she doesn't. You discussed this before the wedding. Not unreasonable.

But love sometimes isn't reasonable and jealousy can be even less so.... Can your wife express to you why exactly she isn't comfortable with the solo vacation? Is there anything you can do to ease her discomfort? I know my dh has concerns about my safety travelling alone and we've discussed things that would make us both more comfortable with that. I know any concerns I might have had in the past with him travelling solo would have been either "but I want to go too!" or simply insecurity....what if he enjoys being alone so much he leaves me, or whatever....and I think we've just recently hit the point where I'm secure enough to not have those fears. Or maybe a couple of business trips just have me more used to him being away.

Good luck! And have fun at WDW, whenever your next trip is!

Edited to add....Just read more of this thread...hmmm...lack of communication is a huge problem. If you can't find out what's eating at her maybe negotiate 1 solo vacation a year (not the 2 you are pushing for now...) and really make an effort to make her week at home pleasant.....send her flowers every day, arrange a massage or something for her after work...or meals or whatever will make the week something more enjoyable for her (and maybe stuff she wouldn't normally be able to enjoy with you there in the way...LOL).

Once again, good luck!

 

[boomhauer]

Thanks all.

Last night actually, we had a very good conversation after a tough night. My wife was very down in the dumps, and I basically forced it out of her what the problem was. There were a few things, but one of them was me going to Disney.

I told her, I loved her more than anything else in the world, and if she truly didn't want me to go, then I wouldn't. But, I was honest with her. I told her how much these trips meant to me. I told her, I would go ANYWHERE she wanted to go this summer for vacation. She said she wasn't happy, but she understood. I really think she does. She knows how happy Disney makes me. She sees my face when I'm down there. It looks like a I have an upside down clothes hanger in my mouth the entire week.