Marriage puzzle for you!

[The Mystery Machine]

This is probably the simple jest of the whole thing. But he just acted weird about the sister stuff.

He would have gotten a whole different reaction from me (like HEY! We couldn't go, put your big boy pants on and deal with it!), but that's just me. Dh knows not to pull that pissy stuff with me, especially over something like as dumb as that. We are not talking about in laws that they see every 6 months here, they see them quite regularly.

She swears that it really is more than than that though.

You know why she swears it is more? Because she is tired of his crap and reading too much into all of his behaviors and attitudes.

She needs to start calling him on his baloney instead of playing guessing games. That is really high schoolish.

Like you said, we don't put up with it. She does and it is a sick dance they play. Then she vents to you and gets attention and so on.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The guy sounds like a nasty piece of work. His behavior had nothing to do with your friend and everything to do with him being a big crybaby. The thing that set him off seems to be that the wife put her child's needs ahead of his wants, and he threw a hissy fit over it. Your friend is missing the point. She made him uncomfortable so he was going to make her uncomfortable, there was no way she was going to get out of that room with him unless he was sure he made her miserable. No answer or response would have been right because a conversation was not his goal, hurting her was.

In my opinion the only way to deal with this sort is to call them out on it and refuse to allow them to lead you off to where they want you to go. I would have had to tell him to put on his big boy undies and get a grip because I just stopped caring. I don't get along so well with men who are this self centered. My sympathies for your friend.

 

[disykat]

I don't see this as a puzzle. To me, it's like when a woman says "these pants make me look fat" and the man doesn't give exactly the right reply she was asking for and now she's mad.

People have things they are sensitive about, sometimes without even realizing it. It is okay for a brother to have opinions about his sister, but it can be touchy if someone else has opinions. This is not about your friend. The husband was feeling sensitive and there may have been no right answers. Men can get cranky and emotional too. Cut the man a break.

 

[luvsJack]

The guy sounds like a nasty piece of work. His behavior had nothing to do with your friend and everything to do with him being a big crybaby. The thing that set him off seems to be that the wife put her child's needs ahead of his wants, and he threw a hissy fit over it. Your friend is missing the point. She made him uncomfortable so he was going to make her uncomfortable, there was no way she was going to get out of that room with him unless he was sure he made her miserable. No answer or response would have been right because a conversation was not his goal, hurting her was.

In my opinion the only way to deal with this sort is to call them out on it and refuse to allow them to lead you off to where they want you to go. I would have had to tell him to put on his big boy undies and get a grip because I just stopped caring. I don't get along so well with men who are this self centered. My sympathies for your friend.

Thanks. I think that I will tell her your exact response, it really sounds spot on.

I definitely see the part about his getting mad because she put the child first. That would be a biggie for me, my kids always come first. She said that he kept saying "its only for a couple of hours" and she really felt like her child needed to stay home and rest.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thanks. I think that I will tell her your exact response, it really sounds spot on.

I definitely see the part about his getting mad because she put the child first. That would be a biggie for me, my kids always come first. She said that he kept saying "its only for a couple of hours" and she really felt like her child needed to stay home and rest.

Unfortunately, I had a father that was this way all the way down to how he would make a point to say how much better his family was than her... and us. One of his/my cousins was so bad that his wife got an annulment over it because he would openly say no-one would ever come before his family... not even his wife. Turns out that is grounds for an annulment.

Once I became a teen I would often say, "The only thing my parents have in common is that they both think he is a god." I'm not being sarcastic either, it's 100% true.

Interestingly, men like this do not do well with other men. I bet he has almost no male friends outside of the family. The reason why is because men can only tolerate Prima Donna behavior in their love interests.

 

[disykat]

Maybe she needs to divorce the abusive woman hater.

Am I seriously in a minority who thinks sometimes you need to cut your spouse some slack? He wanted to visit his family and was cranky because they couldn't all go. He had a cranky, over-sensitive conversation with his wife about his sister.

Honestly, I don't get what the big deal is here. This sounds like a "chalk it up to a bad day" thing, not an end the marriage thing like people are making it out to be. No one has said this happens all the time. I'm guessing it's a puzzle because it's unusual behavior from him.

I'd say she should give him some time to decompress then ask him what is wrong. Like a few others have mentioned it sounds like he was in a bad mood and took it out on his wife. Is there a one of us who hasn't done that at times?

 

[LuvOrlando]

If the wife keeps saying there is something more to it, then there probably is. The OP isn't reporting an observation she made. The OP is talking about a confidential problem a DF of her's shared with her.

Sometimes a little thing really is a little thing and other times the little things are breadcrumbs leading to a bigger thing. THis seems to be ongoing and since I see no reason why I shouldn't give the OP the benefit of the doubt i can't say I understand why other people withhold that benefit.

I tend to be an advocate of trusting people's instincts and not dismissing other people's concerns. I'm certainly not a fan of telling people to ignore their instincts but to each their own.

 

[disykat]

I tend to be an advocate of trusting people's instincts and not dismissing other people's concerns. I'm certainly not a fan of telling people to ignore their instincts but to each their own.

I thought I was trusting the instincts? The OP said in her first post that this wasn't a huge deal or a marriage breaker. I believed her.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Actions speak louder than words. The friend made it a point to talk about the episode with her friend, and her friend went out of her way to post here. Sounds like a lot of effort for a non-issue IMHO. If someone goes though the effort of posting here I am ok with thinking about if for a little while and posting my thoughts especially if my life experiences give me a potentially useful perspective.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I thought I was trusting the instincts? The OP said in her first post that this wasn't a huge deal or a marriage breaker. I believed her.

I spent years trying very hard to convince myself that all the little (and some not so little) things my ex did weren't a huge deal. But a lot of what might *seem* like small events can snowball into one big problem, and by the time the person realizes how big of a problem it is, often the person doing the emotional abuse already has her so confused (because that's what crazy-making does to you) and so beaten down that she doesn't know how to find her way out of it.

I am NOT saying the man is emotionally abusing this woman, but I am also NOT saying he isn't. This is not even a question that I expect the OP to answer, because I can promise you, she doesn't know the true details of their lives. The only person who can really say how often things like this occur is the wife herself.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

This is not about me. I am sitting having coffee with a friend and she told me this story and we are a little confused. She knows I am posting. Its not a HUGE issue, no divorce or anything happening; but she just wondered what she did wrong and how to not do it again.

Not to beat a dead horse, but this statement is a HUGE red flag!! Very typical thoughts and feelings of an abused woman.

Again, it all needs to be taken in the context of the relationship, which only the wife truly knows.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like wife bailed on dh, he got pissy. "Not feeling well" is different than strep, fever, flu, puking.

I completely and totally disagree....

As somebody who has BTDT with the inlaw issues...

Sorry, but I should NOT have to be admitted to ER to be excused from an occasional inlaw function.

Like I said, been there, done, that, and if my call is that myself or my child are not 'up to it', then that should be respected.

Sure, the actual details of the SIL disagreements are huge NON issues.

But, IMHO, the disrespectful behavior of the DH (over what should be NON-issues) is a very valid issue.

PS: I do agree with those who are mentioning, in a roundabout way, that "It takes TWO".

But, just based on what is described in the OP's original post...
Her husband's behavior is disrespectful at best, with red flags thrown in for more serious issues, such as relatives more important than spouse, anger management, etc...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Not to beat a dead horse, but this statement is a HUGE red flag!! Very typical thoughts and feelings of an abused woman.

Again, it all needs to be taken in the context of the relationship, which only the wife truly knows.

While I am not saying, AT ALL, that this is a controlling abusive husband. (No way to know from one little chatboard post)

I do have to agree with the statement above....

This is a typical red flag.
There is nothing wrong with saying that.

 

[Anna114]

How about high blood pressure? My DH was Sybil before he went on bp meds

 

[SaraJayne]

Maybe she needs to divorce the abusive woman hater.

Am I seriously in a minority who thinks sometimes you need to cut your spouse some slack? He wanted to visit his family and was cranky because they couldn't all go. He had a cranky, over-sensitive conversation with his wife about his sister.

Honestly, I don't get what the big deal is here. This sounds like a "chalk it up to a bad day" thing, not an end the marriage thing like people are making it out to be. No one has said this happens all the time. I'm guessing it's a puzzle because it's unusual behavior from him.

I'd say she should give him some time to decompress then ask him what is wrong. Like a few others have mentioned it sounds like he was in a bad mood and took it out on his wife. Is there a one of us who hasn't done that at times?

I agree with you. Some days, regardless of what DH says, it isn't the right answer.

Lots of jumping to conclusions in this thread...

 

[NHdisneylover]

Maybe she needs to divorce the abusive woman hater.

Am I seriously in a minority who thinks sometimes you need to cut your spouse some slack? He wanted to visit his family and was cranky because they couldn't all go. He had a cranky, over-sensitive conversation with his wife about his sister.

Honestly, I don't get what the big deal is here. This sounds like a "chalk it up to a bad day" thing, not an end the marriage thing like people are making it out to be. No one has said this happens all the time. I'm guessing it's a puzzle because it's unusual behavior from him.

I'd say she should give him some time to decompress then ask him what is wrong. Like a few others have mentioned it sounds like he was in a bad mood and took it out on his wife. Is there a one of us who hasn't done that at times?

I agree with you. Some days, regardless of what DH says, it isn't the right answer.

Lots of jumping to conclusions in this thread...

I will second that.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't know, but if my DH & I were having a conversation that was going like the one you related, I'd say to him "What are your knickers in a twist about? It's a conversation, for God's sakes".

My guess is he told Sis about the cheating. The other issue...I have no idea why he was such a crank.
He may not have been realizing he was doing it...soemtimes if DH is having a bad day, he'll be snappy and I'll have to say "What are you so snappy about?" and then he realizes it.

Now, if their communication is like this ALL the time, then I'd say there is some sort of communication problem.

 

[luvsJack]

Everyone's posts gave me a lot of food for thought so when she called me to talk some more (I am NOT getting my housework done today ), I told her about some of the posts and asked some questions about how often he acts this way.

It seems that he sometimes gets defensive about things to do with his family, but its not really all the time.

I told her maybe sometime when they can be alone she should try and talk about it again. He has gone back to work (works in a neighboring state) and won't be back until this weekend, so she is going to see how he is acting when he gets home and try to figure out what is going on and try talking to him if there seems to really be an issue going on.

She is even wondering if a little bit of seeing this more "exciting" (read: dramatic) life his sisters are living are making him wonder if he wants to be single again. Not enough to leave but enough to be cranky with her. Just a little of the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

She was thinking of going out, buying him a pair of leather pants and sending him off to the bike rally.

 

[dis-happy]

Not to beat a dead horse, but this statement is a HUGE red flag!! Very typical thoughts and feelings of an abused woman.

Yep.



If in her shoes, if he couldn't have a civil conversation without getting mad the whole time, I would have gotten up and removed myself to do something else. If questioned, I would say something along the lines "you seem to be getting upset for no reason. Fine if you want to talk later when you've calmed down."
Your friend needs to put a stop to being bullied and let the bully know she's not going to be around him when he's acting like that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, thanks for the update and info!!!

Clearly, if your friend is going and and on, trying to get your input, etc... This situation is enough to bother her.

Sounds more like a thing ongoing with his family dynamics, more than crazy-talk or a 'controlling' thing.

But, reading your reply, I just have to say that I was thinking the same thing that you are now mentioning!!! It sounds like the themes of infidelity and being young-free-crazy, are hitting a little TOO close to home!!!

I almost asked in my earlier post if this might have to do with infidelity on his part, or his fear of infidelity on your friends part!!!!

It sounds like he got a little too 'upset' when your friend told him that she thought 'nobody should tell'... Asking 'who told'... etc...

Your friend was saying that she thought nobody should tell, and that this other sister should 'go have fun'....

Not to mention that her DH is working away from home a lot....
Either one could try go get away with doing whatever they want.

I think we have just found the deep underlying kicker here!!!

PS: I do still think that there is a problem with relatives having such a priority and influence, above one's own spouse.... (like I said, I've BTDT with that issue, would never abide by that in my marriage again, ever...) Having said that, I think that these other issues that are just now coming up are the primary ones here...