Marriage puzzle for you!

[luvsJack]

This is not about me. I am sitting having coffee with a friend and she told me this story and we are a little confused. She knows I am posting. Its not a HUGE issue, no divorce or anything happening; but she just wondered what she did wrong and how to not do it again.

So, wife and husband are having a fairly nice weekend with their kids. Went out to eat and to the movies, shopping, etc. On Sunday, they planned to go to husband's parent's home for dinner with his whole family. One of the kids is not feeling well so wife tells him to go ahead and she will stay with child that is feeling bad. He gets a bit irritated because he wants them all to go.

Before he leaves he is telling wife about one of his sisters who has recently broken up with a boyfriend. The sis found out the bf was cheating on her. Wife asked how she found out and husband gets all defensive about it. Wife says that in her opinion whoever told sis should have just kept quiet. They were not getting back together and it just caused more pain for sis and that she hated to see his sis hurting like that. Well, this seemed to be a bad thing because he got really angry and said "Well, she WANTED to know and they even got a friend to do some detective work for her". Ok, wife just hated to see the extra pain and it didn't make things better or worse for her to know about it. (there was absolutely 0 chance of them getting back together before she knew anything about the cheating.)

He goes to his parents. Comes back with a tale about his other sister. She has been divorced about 6 months. Apparently she has met a new guy and he is a biker. She is going to a bike rally and has bought some leather pants (totally out of character of her) to wear. Now wife could care less who sis2 dates or what she wears. But, thinking an answer is in order to his telling the tale, she says, "wow, what did you mom say?" He, again, get angry and says, "She thinks she's crazy".

Thinking its just better not to comment wife just shuts up and looks at him while he talks (he is not ranting or raving, just telling her what was said. Its only when she comments that he seems to get angry). Now he thinks she is not listening and is getting angry about that (talk about not being able to win for losing!), so wife comments again "I hope she has fun at the rally." He then brings up his sil, who is the family morality police,or so she thinks, and her attitude about the whole thing. Wife says (in AGREEMENT with him), "Yep, she is going to have a field day with this" Wrong thing to say again! He snarls at wife, "well she will be messing with the wrong one. Sis2 will tell her what she can do with her opinion"

Now, I realize none of the words he said sound like words of anger. It wasn't what he said, it was his tone and volume that told her he was getting angry. I have heard the tone she is talking about and there is no mistaking that he is angry. And I asked her if she was sure it wasn't just that he was angry about what his sisters were doing and she said no. While he was telling her about it he was smiles and laughing (about the leather pants), but when she commented his tone changed.

I would say that he was just mad about her not going to his parents with him but normally over something like that he just wouldn't talk to her at all. And he was talking to her.


She may not be repeating her comments to me word for word; but she said that with the first sis's story, she was trying to be caring and concerned (she really is concerned about his sis) and he got angry. And with the second story she was not being judgmental at all. (I would guess this to be true, because she really is not a judgmental type of person), besides she really doesn't see it as something to judge over. It just everyone's preconceived notion of bikers that is going to cause the sil to talk and everyone is a bit taken back over her wearing leather anything.

And she did try to approach him about it later, but he just looked at her and said "I wasn't angry". But, never asked her why she thought that or apologized for sounding that way or even commented any further about it. She said he actually didn't talk to her at all the rest of the evening after the tale of the leather pants unless he was asked a direct question. She even apologized for not going with him to his parents and she said he looked at her like she was crazy and said that it was not a problem at all.

So, what do you all think? Why would he get mad over what seemed to be innocent comments?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well the first thought that popped into my mind on the first scenario is that he might have told the sister about the cheating (or encouraged someone to tell her). I have no idea about the second one though.
It is also very likely he is annoyed about somehting else (amybe her not going) and knows he should not be and is vetning his anger in the wrong places as a result (and possibly not even realizing it).
DH will do that. He will be annoyed about something at work or a broken cpmputer, etc and end up acting as if he is annoyed with me or one of the kids. I started calling him on it many years ago and he is often genuinely surprised and totally oblivious to what he is doing until someone points it out

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Does he do this often, or is this an isolated incident? Sounds like crazy-making behavior to me. I have dealt with my share of that, and if that's what was going on here, trust me, there is nothing she could have done differently.

 

[thebigkahuna]

So, what do you all think? Why would he get mad over what seemed to be innocent comments?

Maybe the wife should ask the husband.

A husband (and in turn a wife) should be a best friend and a soul mate - why would it be hard to say, wow, you seem to have strong feelings about this, or you seem irritated about this, is it something I said? - you would talk about it with a friend (obviously! thats how the post got here!) so shouldn't the 1st action be to ask your mate directly???

 

[Wishing on a star]

The DH clearly has issues with anybody having any opinion (except for glowing praise) that anyone may have about his family.

It is also telling that it is okay for him and his family to run their mouths and have opinions and 'tell' on others.... But nobody else had better begin to think of having the same option.

Clear double standard.....

Okay for them to tell.... but anybody else with an opinion is just attacked.

Based on this post, my assumption is that this DH places his family (sisters and mother) above his wife and marriage.

The apparent anger over an issue that does not affect the husband and his wife directly also puts up a red flag...

 

[Mermaid02]

Sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be mad at his wife.....

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe the wife should ask the husband.

A husband (and in turn a wife) should be a best friend and a soul mate - why would it be hard to say, wow, you seem to have strong feelings about this, or you seem irritated about this, is it something I said? - you would talk about it with a friend (obviously! thats how the post got here!) so shouldn't the 1st action be to ask your mate directly???

You're right and she did. He brushed it off and said he wasn't angry. She wanted to press on it but didn't want to get into an argument when she didn't even know what it was about.

 

[luvsJack]

Sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be mad at his wife.....

That's what I am thinking. Like maybe he was kind of looking for an argument but didn't want to be the blame for it.

I think Wishing might be right too about his family, or at least his sisters, being above everyone's opinion; regardless of what that opinion is.

 

[luvsJack]

Does he do this often, or is this an isolated incident? Sounds like crazy-making behavior to me. I have dealt with my share of that, and if that's what was going on here, trust me, there is nothing she could have done differently.

No, he really doesn't. He is very protective about his sisters but not so much with his wife usually. But, I don't think she could have said anything that would have helped at the time anyway. If she didn't say anything he thought she wasn't listening to him and if she did it was the wrong thing to say.

IDK, maybe it was just a bad day??

 

[Wishing on a star]

He gets a bit irritated because he wants them all to go.

The sis found out the bf was cheating on her. Wife asked how she found out and husband gets all defensive about it. Wife says that in her opinion whoever told sis should have just kept quiet. Well, this seemed to be a bad thing because he got really angry

He goes to his parents. Comes back with a tale about his other sister. She has been divorced about 6 months. Apparently she has met a new guy and he is a biker. She is going to a bike rally and has bought some leather pants (totally out of character of her) to wear. "wow, what did you mom say?" He, again, get angry and says, "She thinks she's crazy".

He then brings up his sil, who is the family morality police,or so she thinks, and her attitude about the whole thing. He snarls at wife, "well she will be messing with the wrong one. Sis2 will tell her what she can do with her opinion"

If you read this condensed version... The comment I made about the double standard and his clear priority/allegiance to his mother and sisters over his own wife is very plain.

 

[luvsJack]

Well the first thought that popped into my mind on the first scenario is that he might have told the sister about the cheating (or encouraged someone to tell her). I have no idea about the second one though.
It is also very likely he is annoyed about somehting else (amybe her not going) and knows he should not be and is vetning his anger in the wrong places as a result (and possibly not even realizing it).
DH will do that. He will be annoyed about something at work or a broken cpmputer, etc and end up acting as if he is annoyed with me or one of the kids. I started calling him on it many years ago and he is often genuinely surprised and totally oblivious to what he is doing until someone points it out

That very well may be true about the cheating. I kind of thought that too. His sister and he talk all the time so even though this was news to wife, it may have been something he talked about at length with sis and encouraged her to find out for sure or even helped her find out.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

You're right and she did. He brushed it off and said he wasn't angry. She wanted to press on it but didn't want to get into an argument when she didn't even know what it was about.

That's what I am thinking. Like maybe he was kind of looking for an argument but didn't want to be the blame for it.

I think Wishing might be right too about his family, or at least his sisters, being above everyone's opinion; regardless of what that opinion is.

Yes, exactly! Trying to start a "fight" with someone when they have no clue what they said or did wrong, and then pretending it never happened is crazy-making behavior.

I'm not necessarily saying this guy is emotionally abusive, but this type of behavior should be considered as part of the bigger picture. How often does he do/say things that don't make any sense, and leave your friend feeling like she doesn't know what just happened?

 

[Luv2Scrap]

No, he really doesn't. He is very protective about his sisters but not so much with his wife usually. But, I don't think she could have said anything that would have helped at the time anyway. If she didn't say anything he thought she wasn't listening to him and if she did it was the wrong thing to say.

IDK, maybe it was just a bad day??

Maybe yes, depends on how many bad days there are. Just as long as she's not excusing bad behavior on having a bad day too often!

Did I misunderstand you? Did you really mean to say he's protective of his sisters but not of his wife? That's sad!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

That very well may be true about the cheating. I kind of thought that too. His sister and he talk all the time so even though this was news to wife, it may have been something he talked about at length with sis and encouraged her to find out for sure or even helped her find out.

If you think that may have been true--then i could see him continuing to be on edge and defensive about any other comment from his wife--either out of guilt, or because he realized to late that his reaction could have given him away and he had to keep reacting so it was not just the cheating comment that stuck out and then his wife (your friend) might realize he told the sister. (I am not sure if how I typed that made any sense--sorry if it does not).

 

[thebigkahuna]

You're right and she did. He brushed it off and said he wasn't angry. She wanted to press on it but didn't want to get into an argument when she didn't even know what it was about.

I would have pushed the issue! Arguement or not, if the tone betrays the words, then it's not 100% truth -

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like wife bailed on dh, he got pissy. "Not feeling well" is different than strep, fever, flu, puking.

You need a harder puzzle here.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe yes, depends on how many bad days there are. Just as long as she's not excusing bad behavior on having a bad day too often!

Did I misunderstand you? Did you really mean to say he's protective of his sisters but not of his wife? That's sad!!!

hmmm. You know, I will have to ask her about other bad days. She has never mentioned it before but it may be that she just hasn't realized how often its happening.

He does have days of sulking (her description), I guess it could be a bit of depression. It has never really effected them too much, she just lets him sulk and ignores it mostly. I think she used to try and get him out of it but it never really worked to do that. And she always said it never lasted more than a day.

I don't know that he is not protective of his wife, but he can be VERY protective of his sisters. The whole family is just a bit. He has 5 brothers and the two sisters and all the brothers think their sisters can do no wrong.

I don't know all of them very well, but I think the sisters tend to be overly dramatic to always have all the attention in the family. Like the bf cheating thing. I mean its like the sister has to go to these great lengths to show that she wasn't in the wrong in the break up and that there were these HUGE reasons why she should never go back-which she wasn't going to do anyway. To me it just would have been "we broke up, we are not getting back together" end of story, but they seem to like to drag it out and bring up all the drama.

 

[iwrbnd]

Sounds like he was in a bad mood and took it out on his wife. She handled it way more graciously than I would have!

 

[luvsJack]

Sounds like wife bailed on dh, he got pissy. "Not feeling well" is different than strep, fever, flu, puking.

You need a harder puzzle here.

This is probably the simple jest of the whole thing. But he just acted weird about the sister stuff.

He would have gotten a whole different reaction from me (like HEY! We couldn't go, put your big boy pants on and deal with it!), but that's just me. Dh knows not to pull that pissy stuff with me, especially over something like as dumb as that. We are not talking about in laws that they see every 6 months here, they see them quite regularly.

She swears that it really is more than than that though.

 

[luvsJack]

Sounds like he was in a bad mood and took it out on his wife. She handled it way more graciously than I would have!

I totally agree. I don't handle dh biting my head off very well. He would have heard about it LOUD AND CLEAR!!