Marriage counseling?

[Liberty Belle]

Has anyone here gone through marriage counselling? My husband and I are considering it and I am wondering what to expect. TIA.

 

[poohandwendy]

Yes and it was helpful because some communication issues were brought to the surface and we learned alot about how the other really feels about some issues. And alot about how we didn't really communicate...that we just attacked or talk at each other.

One thing I think most people expect is that you go there and they solve your problems, tell your spouse to do things differently and heal your issues. That is not how it works. They don't pick sides of who is right or wrong.

The way I would describe it is a marriage counsellor is the objective observer who helps you have conversations that do not spin out of control and off-topic. One who forces you to really hear your spouse and help you find your own solutions. The one who may throw out an observation that sheds some light on why you don't communicate well, why you may fall into a destructive routine. I would say it is more enlightening than anything.

I will be interested to read other peoples experiences with this.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think that there are many different reasons couples consider counseling. Are you considering counseling because you(you and your husband) have things to work out or you feel maybe a bit stagnant and want to strengthen your marriage?

We have attended and keep attending counseling to keep our marriage strong and open. We talk about things that have bothered us in our marriage and things on the outside that we bring into our marriage that interfers with the "us." There are tears and anger for us but it gets it out in the open instead of festering.

Matt and I maybe different as we started doing this pretty early(we've only been married 5 years) and it's not because we felt anything was wrong in our marriage but we do it because of the nature of our lives with the constant go go that we endure and because of the major baggage that we bring from our pasts. Sometimes we don't know how things should be managed and not having a "normal" lifestyle makes it worse.

I think that any couple considering counseling should go for the experience and that if a couple as a joint union wants to go there is great success for a marriage.

 

[Honu]

Just subscribing. I have a friend that asked me yesterday if I knew of a good marriage counselor. I felt really bad because I knew it took a lot for her to even ask and I had no idea where to tell her to start, other than asking her primary care physician.

So maybe someone also has some ideas on how to find a good one?

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think that there are many different reasons couples consider counseling. Are you considering counseling because you(you and your husband) have things to work out or you feel maybe a bit stagnant and want to strengthen your marriage?

We have attended and keep attending counseling to keep our marriage strong and open. We talk about things that have bothered us in our marriage and things on the outside that we bring into our marriage that interfers with the "us." There are tears and anger for us but it gets it out in the open instead of festering.

Matt and I maybe different as we started doing this pretty early(we've only been married 5 years) and it's not because we felt anything was wrong in our marriage but we do it because of the nature of our lives with the constant go go that we endure and because of the major baggage that we bring from our pasts. Sometimes we don't know how things should be managed and not having a "normal" lifestyle makes it worse.

I think that any couple considering counseling should go for the experience and that if a couple as a joint union wants to go there is great success for a marriage.

There are things we need to work out.

 

[lovemygoofy]

There are things we need to work out.

I hope it works out for you. I think that both spouses have to be open to hear what the other has to say, good and bad. Like PAW said the counselor doesn't have the magic pill. I would say be prepared to hear things you don't like and feel many different emotions if things that are bothering you go deep. I also think that ya'll have to find a counselor you are both comfortable with. Sometimes it could take more than one counselor to do find this. Good luck and I hope you work things out

 

[poohandwendy]

So maybe someone also has some ideas on how to find a good one?

That is really tough because most people don't really talk about how they solved their problems through counselling, in general conversation, unfortunately.

The most important thing is that both spouses feel comfortable with the counsellor, or they will not be totally honest and upfront. It's a trial and error kind of thing because even the most qualified counsellor may not be a good fit.

We ended up having good results with an older woman counsellor (after deciding against another one we tried) because she had been married a long time (personal experience) and we both felt comfortable talking with her.

 

[Cindyluwho]

My DH & I started counseling about a week after our honeymoon! NO kidding! I had some intamency (sp?) issues because of my childhood. We went for about 2 months is all but what a difference it made. We still use the communication tools we learned. It really teaches you how to communicate and how to "fight" We even use it in our parenting. I would highly recommend it to anyone, anytime.

 

[mcco5543]

I totally agree with the last poster. My parents did marriage counseling and even seperated for a while, but counseling showed them just how much they didn't know about communicating in general and communicating with eachother in particular.

They hare having their 30th anniversary this october!

Good luck! I hear marriage counseing is really hard but ten times more rewarding than it is hard!

 

[mommasita]

We both have been. We have had major communication issues, I mean MAJOR.>This has not only strengthened the lines of communication, but brought us SO much closer together. We find it much easier to open up to each other about anything, regardless of how the other feels.

We went for 6 months, weekly, faithfully. It was exhausting, emotionally, physically, but totally worthwhile..

I can honestly say that I feel so much more now, than I did before. I am speaking for DH, but I feel he does also. We talk, laugh more, do all those LITTLE things, that can get lost in life..

Good luck to you

 

[MALE*RN*777]

I think counselling is a good thing but be careful on who is doing it. Not to start a flaming thing but if you are a person of faith find someone in the profession that believes the same as you do. There are some real nuts out there with some strange ideas of what a good marriage is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I went to counseling before marriage and after.
Both of us are stubborn and want our way.

We learned how to find a middle ground and like it. Now we over analyze stuff to the point of "maddness" sometimes.

Both of us came from dysfunction and had alot to learn.

 

[JoyG]

Dh and I did marriage counseling. It helped at the time we were doing it but I think we stopped too soon and fell back into some of the same patterns of behavior.

I will be signing us up again soon.

 

[rentayenta]

My DH and I participated in couple's counseling right after our first child was born (about 10 years ago). I was having some major anxiety over being a new mother and not making the same mistakes that she did. He initially came along as a support for me but it ended up doing us a lot of good.

Our marriage has continued to stay strong and we go about every 9 months for a tune up- to touch base and see if anything needs to be addressed.

As far as choosing a therapist, get a referral, from friends or family, whomever. If you don't feel a good rapport with the first one, find another. All therapists have their own style and you might not connect with the first one.

Good luck!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

My ex and I went to 4 counselors before throwing in the towel. It was actually on the fourth counselor's advice that we finally did throw in the towel. She really was the most helpful out of all of them, and I learned quite a bit about myself, but my ex...he just didn't want to change certain habits. For example, he is a horrible money manager, to the point of getting into five-figure credit card debt 3x during our marriage (I'm grateful he never put my name on anything, but I helped him get out of the debts!). So the counselor suggested that he let me handle the money and give him a weekly allowance. He was given $120 a week - quite a bit, in everyone's opinion. Well, he'd blow through it in 2 days (on what, I still have no clue) and demand more money. I'd refuse, so he'd go to the bank, show them his license, and withdraw another $200 from the account. And not tell me about it. When I'd look up the account activity online and confront him, he'd hit me because it was HIS money, HE earned it and HE was entitled to it. So...needless to say, since he wasn't willing to change, our counselor said that it simply wouldn't work out. We're now divorced.

BUT...that was our experience. I believe that if BOTH parties are willing to work on it, then it can work out.

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

I went with my ex husband (before we divorced). It was incredibly helpful to me, and I know this sounds strange, but it gave me the strength and self assurance to end a marriage that was mentally (and slowly turning physically) abusive. It taught me a so much about myself and though it did not keep my marriage together, the things I took away from all of it has made my marriage to my DH better than I could have ever imagined. It was one of the best things I ever did for ME.

 

[BethR]

This thread is giving me some much good for thought. I wonder if DH would be open to giving our marriage a much needed "tune up?"?

 

[Liberty Belle]

Thank you all.

What is the first visit like?

 

[rentayenta]

Thank you all.

What is the first visit like?

Mostly intake and family hx. Our hx says alot about our thoughts and behaviors.

 

[decaff38]

Ten years ago my hubby and I went through a rough time and marriage counseling was an option that worked for us. I basically said we go or we are done. he almost didn't go but decided to try it one time. The first one we went to has a book shelf full of religious texts and crosses all over his walls. He immediately focused in on my past regrets and hurts and got stuck there. He never really addressed my husband. I was really disappointed and figured we were done since he was resistant to begin with. My DH suggested I look for a different couselor because he felt that that guy was not very fair. I almost fell over. That is not his usual line of thought!!! I searched and found a center that had many counselors. Luck of the draw we got a good one. He basically sat there and gave us a few questions for homework each week. We went weekly for a month then every two weeks for 2 months. The counselor said we were done for now. I was surprised. My husband thought it was the best thing that ever happened to us. I really didn't think it changed my way much but he felt someone was listening to him. He also discovered that I was not the controlling person that he thought. He now says things like, "I guess I am the control freak!" He was just so immature that I needed to make the adult decisions to keep up afloat, so I wasn't nearly as much fun as I was when we got married. Now we are older and are a muched better matched pair. He started his own business and discovered the rest of the world expects a grown up. It saved our marriage. We continue to use the tips and strategies that we learned there when we get into a sticky situation and that really helps. If you can get your partner to go, it is very good.